Aces_and_8's

Excerpts from the log of Her Majesty's Trireme Terribilius Est Rex: Day 2 0900 37 05 30N 75 58 59W The Assyrian's leader, Izeem-ala-wanado-iz-cumplain-al-faoud, approached me yet again to protest the bitter cold, the fact his Assyrians had nothing heavier than a smock to wear, the quality and quantity of the food, blah, blah, blah, just making a general nuissance of himself. I explained to Iz (just tweaks him when I call him that) that there was nothing I could do about his current situation, that he was provided a copy of the binding contract bringing his Mercenaries aboard, he agreed in full to the terms as shown by the giant "x" where he made his mark at the bottom, and that this problem, created by his lack of forethought and planning, did not constitute a crisis for Her Majesty's Navy. He of course left in a huff. I shall have to keep my eye on that one. Gawd save the Queen! 1200 FIRE! We have a fire topside. What have the silly nongs gone and done now? Gawd help us, and, oh yes, save the Queen too! 1500 A Bi-reme!?! How could one riding so high one moment be cast down into this depthless pit so quickly? My crew, that's how. They were all against me from the beginning. Seems the weather deck was set ablaze. The culprits, Lucius and those damnable Assyrians, oh and my Navigator, Quintus Aurelium Imprecisorum, didnt do me any favors. In earlier entries I had indicated Lucius had an idea on how to fix our slight...erm...missing sail problem. Hearing yelps coming from below decks, I decided to investigate. There before my eyes stood Lucius and a couple of the more able bodied seaman plucking the back, chest, and forearm hair off the slav...impr...uhm...oarsmen. When asked what he was doing, Lucius explained that by making a tight weave, the seamsters could re-produce a sail just as effective, albeit a tad more disgusting, as the original. I ascented to this course of action as we were dead in the water at the time. Moving the burly bundles topside proved easy enough, but those accursed Assyrians struck again. Quintus, while pouring over the charts and finishing his sandwich (crumbs and mayo everywhere; I really must speak to him about his personal habits and what mayo will do to ones arteries), found a unique way to entertain himself. It seems he was using his compass to focus the suns rays, burning the hair on his arms. Noticing this, Iz misappropriated the compass and decided he would use it to start a fire for his men topside, with some of the hair collected by Lucius earlier. Who knew human hair burned that fast or intensely. A raging inferno soon broke out from stem to stern razing the weather deck, the first bank of oarsmen, the mast, our charts, the ballistas, the ram, everything! To add insult to injury, Iz and his boys, rather than fight the fire, stood by rubbing their hands vigorously in front of it making little "ooh" and "aah" noises. First time I have seen them smile this trip. I have ordered the ship oars into the water and to row us back to port where we will make repairs, requisition fresh stores, new ballistas, some more oarsmen and a fresh ram (one not as shaggy as the other, it went up quick once its hair caught) getting underway soon...again. I am seriously debating whether I should allow the Assyrians back aboard. Gawd Save the Queen!

Excerpts from the log of Her Majesty's Trireme Terribilius Est Rex: 1200: We broke the headland and are finally out in the open sea. Aaaaahhhhh! The salt air, roiling wake, the smell of...what is that smell? Its that same smell that Mace often wakes up to after a hard night of drinking and fornicating with the four legged wooly harem he keeps. Egad! What should I spy but all my Assyrian Archers all retching this mornings sustenance over the railing. Guess I shouldn't have taken em to the Waffle House after all, not to mention all that money blown...literally! No matter, I was planning to submit the receipts to the royal treasurer for reimbursement. At least they were on the leeward side. This does pose a certain problem, now every sea critter for miles around will be following in our wake and o'er the point I spy gulls beginning to circle. God knows what a mess they will make of the paint job and lets not even talk about the canvas. Lucius has extended an excellent plan...we shall man the Greek Fire pumps and ballistas. Betwixt the two, we should be able to fight off the rats with wings. The archers, methinks, will have to sit this one out. Our first battle looms, and we havent even begun the trek to warmer climes. I cant say that I dont feel a little apprehensive about the prospect of going to battle with this untried crew, but I know these fine men will acquit themselves well. Striking my most commanding pose, hands on hips, head held high, I give the order to beat to quarters. Gawd save the Queen! 1210:Well, that definitely did not go as expected. One of the crew, in haste to man his post, tripped over my navigators cloak, falling into those manning the Greek Fire firing thingy. Results were: The realization we had not placed shims to keep the nozzle from moving through a 360 degree arc, and one sail torched. Of course, this is the only sail that we have on hand. so I am at a loss as to what to do next. Lucius claims he has an idea, I shall allow him to exercise his initiative, although the stupid grin and the fact he keeps glancing below decks is a bit worrisome. Good man that Lucius. On the upside, the impressive pyrotechnic display did manage to halt the gulls in their tracks and the Assyrians have quit their griping about being cold for the moment. Silver lining to every dark cloud is what I always say. I wonder if the shims are what that gentleman from the docks was referring to....hmmmm? Oh well, no place to go but up from here. Gawd save the Queen!

Congratulations...very well deserved.

Excerpts from the log of Her Majesty's Trireme Terribilius Est Rex: Day 1 0300: They laughed at me, all of them, silly wankers. Said a Trireme doesnt have a snowballs chance in hell of making it that far much less catching up with the vermin...Meeks. Well, we'll see. The ram has been recast in iron vice bronze, had a hell of a time getting im to sit still when we poured it over him. Greek fire tanks are topped off and the Assyrian Archers are safely stowed below decks until needed. I am concerned, they seem a little under dressed for the weather we are currently experiencing. Time will tell. If they still have fingers with which to draw the strings of their bows, the better for us. If they lose them all to frostbite, frozen fingers will keep, so we may have extra stores available in case the trip takes longer than expected. My first mate, Lucius Vagus Bondus has just reported the press gan...er...recruiters have managed to fill all vacancies on the banks and we are ready to make way. The word is given. Gawd save the Queen! 0500: Underway watch is set and we let slip the quay. Wind is to our backs, a good sign considering we would run the risk of breaking the oars against the shoals. She runs a shallow draft but the oars do not. We are able to sail vice row out of port. One odd event, as we were pulling away, a stranger was yelling some drivel about forgetting something. I couldnt hear what he was saying over the damn kettle drummer. Why on earth he was drumming is beyond me. There are no oars in the water, guess he was just practicing. Good man that one, I will have to mark him out for special recognition by going above and beyond. I did query Lucius as to what the stranger said, in return I received a blank stare and a shrug. Seems his hearing is no better than mine. We are making good time at 3 kts. We should see the headland by noon. At that time we will put oars in the water and ratchet it up to LUDICROUS SPEED...excuse my excitement...be able to make 6 kts, nothing to sniff at I assure you.

Mike! , you twittering little nancy boy, quit wasting time running your sewer about shredded Waffles and send me my turn. I havent finished laughing at your two KVs that seem to be experiencing technical difficulty. :mad: :mad: :mad:

Actually we toned it down a bit...better skip back over to the MBT, dalem said something about needing to measure your height and armspan along with asking about allergic responses to certain metals...*shrugs*

...WHAM... fate sticks its craggy finger into yer disc platters. Yeknod </font>

Ladies and Gentlemen!...Presenting the first graduate of tiny_tanker's School of Lame Excuses. Obviously, the curriculum has been expanded with some very exciting additions like Creative use of adjectives and adverbs to elicit sympathetic responses from your audience 101, 102, and 201 as well as the ever popular Age to Zen: Twentysix reasons that will make them want to believe. As top grad with Sigma Cum Laude, Alpha Beta Gamma, and Lambda Lambda Lambda honors, I think three cheers for our own MrSpkr would be in order: Hip Hip _________! , Hip, Hip _________! Hip, Hip __________! Applause everyone, applause.

Muwahahahahahaha!!! Its good to be back. Think I missed out on 3 or 4 deaths and rebirths of the MBT. I see the Cherry Wafflers survived a near species extinction...hmmm. On the one hand, not such a bad thing. On the other, refugee problems. There is never enough space to fit them all in, and no matter the improvement over their past condition, they still gripe. Have I told you how much I hate comptrollers. If you have been, are, or are currently planning to be one of these horrible creatures formed from the leftover smegmatic mass deposited on a tree branch after a male oppossum low crawled by, there is a special corner reserved just for you, your black heart, and even blacker soul in the deepest pit of HELL!!! Tell Beelzebub I said hey, and ask for the special. On to more interesting stuff The battle with Berli continues. Think we are up to turn 30 or so. His tanks still roam free and tiny little feldgrau bodies litter the outside of my factory complex. In what I thought was a sneaky move, I took to the sewers. In an even sneakier move, the little bastards got lost (or deserted...). A pleasant surprise was the one squad that popped up about 100m away from where they were supposed to be. Twits were too busy high fiving about making it out and haven't noticed they are surrounded. I think their life expectancy will be very short. Juries still out on this one folks, but it aint looking good for the home team. Nidan1, after giving me a blistering in our last game, graciously offered a rematch a little North of Anzio. Just when it was getting interesting, comms go dead. Non, nere, nunca...not an email to be had. Send the turn you pitiful twerp...I want to watch your crews bail out of their burning tin cans, then cackle gleefully while mowing them down with some well aimed Vickers fire. By the way... INCOMING!!! Feel the fury of my response after that pitiful prep fire. Hope you got more ammo, you'll need it. Stalin's Organs or Mike of the Waffles and I continue. Files are starting to get bigger which show's some promise. His first two uber KV's are sitting in the middle of the road useless. Just goes to show, "The easy way is always mined". There is movement off to the NE but am not sure what it is. We are ready to receive his assault. He might have learned his lesson and be leading with engineers. Has anyone seen that scraping from the inside of a Mouse's rectum, tiny twinki, or is he still using the lame excuse about his comp being on the fritz? Hey Kitty...

they are working, their english teachers *edit to remove 3 spelling mistakes - and i'm dyslexic :mad: </font>

Ive got 3 more years until the first is in college and this is my theme...Stevie Nicks, not the knucckleheads BTW: I took my love, I took it down Climbed a mountain and I turned around I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills 'Till the landslide brought me down Oh, mirror in the sky What is love Can the child within my heart rise above Can I sail through the changing ocean tides Can I handle the seasons of my life Well, I've been afraid of changing 'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you get bolder Even children get older And I'm getting older too Oh, take my love, take it down Climb a mountain and turn around If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well the landslide will bring it down If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well the landslide will bring it down.

No prob. Berli seemed mad though and i wanted to get it right. Kitty </font>

So what do us Marines say when an officer comes into the room? Real answer please, no jokes Kitty </font>

So what do us Marines say when an officer comes into the room? Real answer please, no jokes Kitty </font>

Yet another for the Kitten Where they at [8X] [Chorus] If you wanna go and take a ride wit me We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!) If you wanna go and get high wit me Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!) [Verse 1] In the club on the late night, feelin right Lookin tryin to spot somethin real nice Lookin for a little shorty hot and horny so that I can take home (I can take home) She can be 18 (18) wit an attitude or 19 kinda snotty actin real rude Boo, as long as you a thicky thicky thick girl you know that it's on (Know that it's on) I peep something comin towards me up the dance floor Sexy and real slow (hey) Sayin she was peepin and I dig the last video So when Nelly, can we go; how could I tell her no? Her measurements were 36-25-34 Yellin I like the way you brush your hair And I like those stylish clothes you wear I like the way the light hit the ice and glare And I can see you boo from way over there [Chorus] [Verse 2] Face and body front and back, don't know how to act Without no vouchers or boozers she's bringin nuttin back You should feel the impact, shop on plastic when the sky's the limit and them haters can't get past that Watch me as I gas that, 4.6 Range Watch the candy paint change, everytime I switch lanes It feel strange now Makin a livin off my brain, instead of 'caine now I got the title from my momma put the whip in my own name now Damn **** done changed now Runnin credit checks with no shame now I feel the fame now (come on), I can't complain now (no more) **** I'm the mayne now, in and out my own town I'm gettin pages out of New Jersey, from Courtney B. Tellin me about a party up in NYC Can I make it? Damn right, I be on the next flight Payin cash; first class - sittin next to Vanna White [Chorus 2X] [Verse 3] Check, check -- yo, I know somethin you don't know And I got somethin to tell ya You won't believe how many people, straight doubted the flow Most said that I was a failure But now the same mother****ers askin me fo' dough And I'm yellin, "I can't help ya" "But Nelly can we get tickets to the next show?" Hell no (what's witchu?!) you for real?! [City Spud] Hey yo, now that I'm a fly guy, and I fly high Niggaz wanna know why, why I fly by But yo it's all good, Range Rover all wood Do me like you should - **** me good, suck me good We be no stud niggaz, wishin you was niggaz Poppin like we drug dealers, sippin Crissy, bubb' mackin Honey in the club, me in the Benz Icy grip, tellin me to leave wit you and your friends So if shorty wanna... knock, we knockin to this And if shorty wanna... rock, we rockin to this And if shorty wanna... pop, we poppin the Crist' Shorty wanna see the ice, then I ice the wrist City talk, Nelly listen; Nelly talk, city listen When I **** fly bitches; when I walk pay attention See the ice and the glist'; niggaz starin or they diss Honies lookin all they wish - come on boo, gimme kiss [Chorus 2X] Hey, must be the money! [4X]

ACES, YOU MAGGOT, SQUARE THOSE NAILS AWAY! TEN HUT???!!!!! WHAT? WE IN THE F'CKIN' ARMY NOW???!!! </font>

She has other... assets </font>

Adds to Afrika Corps yellow White flashes and feld grau that will surely enable her to ambush any who challenge Kitten

BTW Kitty , while whistling or singing this tuen, make sure you are driving a spike through the back of my neck...

Your ignorance is dazzling. Since I was a music major in college I claim superiority in knowledge over you when it comes to questions of a musical nature . . . but wait just a damn minizzle . . . me KNIGHT . . . YOU SQUIRE . . . ME = ALWAYS RIGHT. YOU = DISGUSTING PIECE OF PRE-PUBESCENT PENGIAN POO. So BACK OFF, SQUIRE AND SHINE MY BOOTS! >=E Kitty </font>

Oh, it was like watching an car accident...you know you shouldn't watch but you do anyhow. Mace </font>

Oh, you're in BIG trouble now. Mace </font>

YOU . . . #$@%#%@$ $#$#%^#^$^$$@#@!@!#@# !!! WHY I OUGHTTA . . . @#@#@#%@!$!!!!!! *dalem and Mace hold me back* BLASPHEMER!!!!!!!! THERE WILL NEVER EVER be a band as good as Roth Van Halen!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! By the way, the proper quote is: "The only people who put iced tea in Jack Daniel's bottles is the Clash, baby!!" US Festival 1983 Pose that! >=( Kitty </font>

OK you twits, group and song? Something's wrong cuz my mind is fading Everywhere I look there's a deadend waiting Temperatures dropping at the rotten oasis Stealing kisses from the leperous faces Heads are hanging from the garbage man trees Mouthwash, jukebox, Gasoline Cyrstals are pointing at a poor mans pockets Smiling eyes ripping out of it's sockets Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Love machines on the sympathy crutches Discount orgies on the dropout buses Hitching a ride with the bleeding noses Coming to town with the breif case blues Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Something's wrong cuz my mind is fading Ghetto-blasting disintegrating Rock'n'roll know what I'm saying And everywhere I look there's a devil waiting Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Got a Devil's Haircut in my mind Devil's haircut in my mind Devil's haircut in my mind Devil's haircut in my mind

More Scotch!..MORE SCOTCH!!!...Kitty, what happened to our...erm...whatever you call him, Berli ?