Lawyer

BTW Germanboy, You really need to get a life (not a wife). I almost fell out of my chair when you posted your last vote one minute after I announced the polls were closing. You beat me to posting my own votes one minute before the final count because the forum overload stopped me momentarily. I didn't think ANYBODY watched these posts that closely. Unfortunately for you, you only gave yourself one vote. Had you been more generous in voting for yourself 20 times, you might have won the contest. Then again, maybe not, since I was counting the votes. Hahahaha...... ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men.... [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 11-23-2000).]

Hey Doug, Do you kill your own threads too?? Hehehe.... ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

On the subject of exe's, I have one (working on two) who are from England. I blame it on the Beatles and all that British Invasion stuff that made Americans lose their good sense. Okay, in my case, I never had any good sense to begin with. So I don't need your exe's, and I only do my own divorces, thank you very much. But I do believe there is one BIG benefit to divorcing women from across the sea. You don't run into them every week at the grocery store. Truly, it's out of sight and out of mind. Praise the Lord! Of course, the INS thinks I'm running a brides for money scam. But neither of them had any money. I can't even do that part of it right! Cheers, Jake ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

You've killed another thread, Doug. Lawyer to the rescue! ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

The specific CM questions that can be answered usually are answered within 5 or 10 posts. The opinion threads can go on forever, but they always go off-topic quickly. I remember one guy who kept trying to bring the thread back to his original question. He failed because the dynamic of these posts is like passing a secret around a big circle. But I find a lot to like and learn here. And having good chatting among the CM community is just as important as the technical stuff to me. And can be very entertaining if you bypass the flame stuff. In my experience, people like one-stop shopping, so it is difficult to corral tips and technical things to separate forums. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Ummmmm, Mr. BigMacAttack: I'm going to refer you to my colleague, Dr. Morse. Yes, to make your blood pressure rise again, lawyers are indeed Doctors of Law, and should properly be addressed as such. Also, don't you think "blight on society" is a tad too harsh? How about "blemish" or "pimple" or something a little less inclusive? Dr. Morse, there's a Mr. BigMac here who would like a piece of your ass... Could you please accommodate the gentleman? Thank you very much. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

It was a hard fought contest, followed by a very close election. Putting aside my personal pain and disappointment, however, I hereby declare that Mark IV is the Official Winner of the Lawyer's Cup. Come on up and get your Prize, Mark-O! "From Hell to Victory" (starring George Peppard, George Hamiltion, Horst Bucholz, and Capucine) will soon be winging its way to you in Fresno, California. God knows, this could be the biggest thing to happen in Fresno this year. For those of you hiding in a hole, full details on the Lawyer's Cup contest and the actual tabulation of votes by the Jury of Jackals can be found on the following threads -- http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/010566.html http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/012780.html Lawyer was the clear Popular Vote Winner in this contest. Nonetheless, I lost out to Mark IV in a close re-count of votes that was dominated by archaic election rules. To my many supporters, especially Andrew Hedges and Maj. Bosco, let me say that I value your support. We made a tremendous effort! We won the popular vote! Unfortunately, we missed the final Prize by a single vote. I care about the CM People more than myself! I will not cloud this election, no matter how unfair, by challenging the result. I congratulate Mark IV for his clever campaign, his luck in battle, and his good fortune in having "From Hell to Victory" to view whenever he needs to see a stirring war drama. Let me also recognize the others in this contest. While certainly NOT Winners, they cannot be labelled Losers either. No, not even Captain Foobar. They lusted for the Prize, they fought the good fight, and they shall live to fight again. I also announce that Mark IV has indicated his willingness to put the Lawyer's Cup up for grabs again in another Herculean match. Captain Foobar and I are automatically entered, and our new matches will be starting soon. Mannheim Tanker and I are already at it. Those of you who have followed this momentous event closely know that Captain Foobar and I have exchanged a few words from time to time. I say let bye-gones by bye-gones. As special amends to the Good Captain, I am awarding him the Rainy Winter European Vacation Prize to honor his contributions to the contest! I can honestly say it would not have been the same without his whining and moaning. Therefore, I shall be sending Captain Foobar my own personal copy of another great bad WWII war movie, entitled "Fireball Forward" or something like that. It stars Ben Gazzara and Ricardo Montalban (doing a Frenchy routine that even surpasses George Hamilton). Hey Captain, for all you do, this one's for you. Just send me the address of the shelter where you receive your mail. Well, thank you all for everything. I especially want to thank my agent, my mother, my cat, all the good folks at BTS, not forgetting....... END ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men.... [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 11-21-2000).]

Well, it looks like Germanboy and Lawyer just slipped in under the wire to close out the voting for the Lawyer's Cup. Let's count up the total number of votes for the Cup. Mannheim Tanker got NONE. That's great news because he is stuck out in the woods somewhere, and doesn't even know this election is happening. How can he miss winning what he doesn't know about? Now, THAT's real democracy in action, Washington style. Captain Foobar got SLIGHTLY more than NONE because Rune cast his secondary conditional vote for the Captain. Strangely, Foobar failed to vote for himself, which indicates that in his heart he knows he is not worthy. Tough break, Captain. Germanboy did quite well (and certainly better than Foobar) by gaining 3 votes. Pretty good, considering he wasn't even in the tournament. But write-in votes are permitted in the Lawyer's democracy. Accordingly, Splinty also rings up one vote for himself. Good effort, Boys, but no cigar. Now it gets neck and neck for the Real Winner of the Lawyer's Cup. Mark IV garnered approximately 7 votes, with uncertainty hanging over the word "several" which Mr. Mark used in voting for himself. Hmmm.... Could be grounds for a re-count. Lawyer is clearly the Popular Vote Winner, with a total of 12 votes. No room to quibble here. Also, there were various mutterings, scratchings, and ballot nonsense posted by russellmz, jdmorse, Chupacabra, Montecello, and Bruno Weiss. Using my Florida re-count system, I determine that these were really meant to be votes for Lawyer, after adjusting the chads a little bit. Thus, Lawyer is now up to 17 popular votes in the poll. To avoid a contested election, however, we better have another look at the votes cast for Lawyer's closest rival, Mark IV, to make sure the Winner can take home the Cup with no stain of dishonor over how he won the Prize. Thus, we must determine the exact meaning of "several" when measuring Mark IV's vote total. More than a few? The dictionary advises that several means more than two or three, but not too large. We must also consider that Mark IV did, in fact, Beat the Lawyer in actual CM battle, earning a total victory and an insanely high score as determined by the CM AI point counter. Without judging the demonstrated inequity of the CM point count system, this entitles Mark IV to win all the electoral votes generated by the game itself under the "winner take all" system. These electoral votes are measured by counting the 6 finalists in the voting tally (including Germanboy and Spinty) and adding Charles and Steve as the creators of CM, for a total of 8 electoral votes. So then, taking Mark IV's admittedly low real popular vote total of 7, giving him the benefit of the doubt that "several" means at least 3, and adding in the 8 electoral votes, we are legally required to award Mark IV 18 votes for the Lawyer's Cup. Unfortunately, this amount just beats out Lawyer's own total of 17 votes. So Gentle Jackals, it appears we have the strange result of the clear Popular Vote Winner, The Lawyer, barely losing out to the legal count vote winner, Mark IV, by a single vote. I guess this proves again that every Jackal's votes is important, and we should all take our voting responsibilities seriously. If Lawyer were a lesser man, he might be tempted to challenge the fairness of the system that produced Mark IV as the Lawyer's Cup Winner. But hey, you guys know me better than that. I care more about the harmony and sound governance of the CM People. Thus, I shall graciously concede the election to Mark IV. It's no big deal, though. I'm fixing to take the Cup back in our next game. I shall formally announce the Cup Winner and the prizes awarded in a new thread on the forum. Special Message to Hiram Sedai-- I don't know what hold Germanboy exerts over you, but one must wonder about your motives in being such an obvious toady on his behalf by voting late for him. Methinks it is not a healthy relationship, and I do not wish to know more about it. Thank you, Gentle Jackals. Lawyer ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

THE POLLS ARE NOW OFFICIALLY CLOSED. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

I cast 10 votes for Lawyer. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

ATTENTION: THE POLLS WILL CLOSE IN ONE MINUTE ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Oooohh, I could smell that one coming from the Captain a long time before it got here. It's a real paint-peeler, too! He's mad as hell and he ain't gonna take it no more. Woooweee! Now listen up, Captain. I'm not gonna say this again. The movie shall go to its rightful owner as soon as I parse the voting the way I like it. You knew the rules going in. This ain't no party. This ain't no disco. This ain't no foolin' around. Got it?? You can challenge Mark-O all you want, but you must also Face The Lawyer in a re-match that will toast your socks and put a halt (at least temporarily) to your crotch-hugging manipulation of vital parts. This time it will be QB to the Death! No more hiding behind Sweetheart Scenarios. No, no, no.... You and Mr. Mark are both Dead Men Walking. You crossed the line by dissing The Lawyer in your desperate attempt to WIN THE PRIZE. There can be NO pardon. NO forgiveness. NO redemption. After beating you both, I expect to have the movie back by Christmas. No sweat. You know, I'm beginning to feel a lot like George Peppard, my Hero. Come to me, my dear Capucine.... ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men.... [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 11-20-2000).]

Hmmmm.... Bruno's either on to something or up to something, JD. Better send him your firm's helpful "information pack" since advertising is unprofessional. In any case, get your hand into his wallet, quick! This man is a walking goldmine. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Au contraire, Dr. Morse. The carefully cultivated Lawyer franchise is already going down the drain. I just received an unsolicited email from one "Fionn" asking if I am the lawyer he "drubbed". Ever heard of him?? However, I quickly set him straight that he must be mistaking YOU (a losing lawyer)for ME (the Lawyer Himself). I'm putting David Boies on the case before this gets out of hand. Public Notice: This thread is not officially endorsed by Lawyer. Accept no cheap substitutes. Go directly to: http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/012780.html The Lawyer has spoken. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Hey wait a minute, Morse! I just noticed you are using my monicker "Lawyer" in the title of this thread without permission, thereby diminishing the value of my franchise on the CM forum. People may mistakenly associate this pathetic attempt to win friends and followers as an authorized Lawyer product. I have a competing Lawyer's Cup thread going with very high stakes involved. Did Captain Foobar put you up to this shameful act of franchise sabotage? I demand a cut of any funds raised through this effort, and order you to cease and desist! Your only attracting the sicko element that will insult our Honored Profession. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

I'm actually a pre-operative translegal, but I do play the part of a lawyer on TV. Yes indeed, I have agreed to again mudwrestle poor (spiritually and figuratively, not financially) Morse. We have settled on dueling Beamers and Gucci's at 30 paces. Last man standing has to pay the weekly tab at Morton's. Sic semper Lexus ad nauseum ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Whoa, OGSF, where do you get the dough and the room to put all that stuff? I thought I was bad, but you are in another league. I went to Toys R Us on Saturday to check them out, having read about them here a while back. They do look good. At $30 a pop, though, I need to think where I can put them. Next to the computer? I'm really retrogressing back to being a kid when I built all the Revel models. My family is starting to wonder.... "So you're the joke of the neighborhood, who's to care if you're feeling good, take the long way home." -- Supertramp ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Oooh, tough crowd. A real bunch of nihilists. Let them eat chads...

Morse-- As it is written, so let it be done. I have missed your Charge of the Light Brigade into the direct fire of my .50's. Let us reunite for another round of Legal Mudwrestling at your expense. Foobar-- Your time is running out, I fear. While you protest the injustice, Mark IV is smoothly bribing his way to victory. Tick...tick...tick...

"Closing with the Enemy" describes smoke usage and problems to mark targets for aircraft. I think the Allies finally settled on using artillery for accuracy with a TOT to avoid warning the Germans in advance. This was combined with better radio communications between air and ground. This could be be modelled in CM, I believe. It would be interesting and add a tactical twist while being historically accurate. Right now, aircraft don't seem useful to me for the Allies because they are too abstract to the battle plan. The Allies depended on airpower instead of ubertanks for tactical advantage, and were very successful. IMHO, CM ought to model that better. Better integration of airpower would go a long way toward resolving the endless force balance arguments about the Germans being favored with the ubertanks.

Morse... MORSE... Thank God, Man, where have you been?? Hanging out collecting "titles" on the Cesspool? Getting nothing, that is NOTHING, in return??? I have encountered dismal days since you first recognized me as a Made Man. These other punks don't realize that I am the Good Lawyer, not like you, the Bad Lawyer. It's like the Wizard of Oz, for goodness sakes. Don't these cretins understand that lawyers are not all the same?? Well, you do, Morse Man. You know that it is you who makes widows poorer and ambulances faster. Then, there is me, who toils for little moola in the capital of Gore-Bush. Oh God, Man, where is the humanity of it all?? So, yes, I shall be sending you a little present, knowing that I shall smite the Mac-Zen-User in you once and for all. Perhaps there is a God, after all. Perhaps Today.... ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Foobar, Foobar, Foobar... Do you not yet understand that possession is 100% of the law? Especially in this case. Your sad, sad justification of the inherent advantages YOU nearly squandered in "Singing Nun Shoo-Shoo" reeks of revised history for personal gain. Yes, the Movie will be awarded. But to say that Lawyer, the source of All Goodness in this episode, is not a candidate is to mislead the voters. Once I trounce you and Mark IV in a re-match, the Movie will be mine once again anyway. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men.... [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 11-19-2000).]

Damned excellent and insightful analysis, Hedges. I like the cut of your jib. Reminds me of my favorite quote from Churchill -- "One must gratefully acknowledge that the real reason the Allied Forces prevailed against the Nazi war machine was the incredible efforts expended by the army of American trial lawyers in Washington, DC who brought suit against Hitler and his cronies in Federal Court, asking for control of Volkwagen as damages." Finally, credit where credit is due. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

ATTENTION CESSPOOL PONDSCUM -- I stoop to appear in this Den of Depravity for the sole purpose of seeking Jackals to vote on who should win the Lawyer's Cup. While you were all here rubbing yourselves in private places to feel better, True Combat occurred in pursuit of the Lawyer's Cup challenge. Now a winner must be chosen by a Florida vote on the Jury of Jackals. What better place to find suitable Jackals for the Jury than here? Some occasional denizens of this Hemorrhoidal Haven are in fact contestants for the Cup. This is your chance to get even with a cheap shot for all those injustices running rampant in your mind. Cast your vote with your reasons (if you are capable or reasoning) at the following: http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/012780.html Your Pal, Lawyer ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Gentle Jackals of the Jury.... You are assembled here today to decide who should be the First Winner of the Lawyer's Cup challenge. I shall tally your votes using the Florida method, so vote early and often by butterfly ballot to be sure your voice is counted as I desire it to be. I will then announce the Winner here on the CM forum, so watch this space! The Lawyer's challenge was created to provide the necessary warfare elements of greed, lust, and actual booty which is otherwise not modelled in CM. Oh sure, the Cesspool Sludge cast taunts and award themselves fake titles. But where, I ask, can be found the cash value and true dishonor associated with REAL warfare in such meager efforts? No, for all their collective bluster, the Cesspoolians (where bacteria is considered a higher life form) are Four Horsemen short of an Apocalypse. Not so with the Lawyer's Cup challenge! Unbridled Greed was paramount in our contest. That critical ingredient of warfare is ably represented by the Lawyer's Cup itself -- a valuable and rare prize that is, in fact, a previously-viewed (by Lawyer himself) copy of the classic WWII film "From Hell to Victory", starring George Peppard and George Hamilton. Full details of the Lawyer's Cup challenge and its coveted Prize can be found in the thread: "Are YOU good enough to win a bad movie?" http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/010566.html Now the contest is over, and YOU must determine who is the REAL Winner. Review your choices below, and cast your vote accordingly. Five pretenders sought to humble the Lawyer and take his precious treasure by beating him at CM. Two failed in their quest at the Cunning Hands of The Law. However, three believe they prevailed merely because they achieved a higher end score than the Lawyer did. We all know that winning is NEVER that easy. Hehehehe... And so we are assembled here today to decide the True Victor among those who claim the Prize. Let me also point out that Lawyer played the plucky GI's in each battle, so it was always David vs. Goliath. As a Man of Honor, I have no excuses for losing... But I DO have a long list of Extenuating Circumstances to explain the unnatural result in certain games where the CM bug gave me a lower score than I deserved. I know you all feel my pain, but stop those tears, Dear Colleagues, for I shall soon be the True Champion! Here then are the True Facts and Statements of events so you can cast an accurate vote. Remember to put aside your personal views and biases against the Contestants when you vote. **snicker, snicker** In order of game completion date, the Contestants are -- MANNHEIM TANKER: This Contestant unwisely made fun of the Lawyer's Chinese Firedrill Defense, calling it a "ballet" when all my men started running around and dying under his gunfire. It's not nice to upset Mother Nature or the Lawyer. I was forced to punish such insolence by killing his TWO Panthers in ONE turn with a Sherman and a bazooka. Nonetheless, MT's endless hordes of Gray Zombies finally overwhelmed my valiant forces, and a surrender was arranged. Final result was a tactical victory for MT, score of 66 to 34. Lawyer recommends you NOT vote for MT. In the first place, he never properly lusted for the Ultimate Prize, so I was able to buy him off with my discarded SimCity game. Secondly, he is off in the woods shooting Bambi right now, so you can screw him while he is unable to defend himself. I am already re-playing him and expect a total triumph next time. Let's leave this sleeping dog alone. MARK IV: I issued a personal challenge to Mr. Mark, thinking someone with such a middling monicker would demonstrate equally middling skills and expectations. Well, he conned me into a "probe" engagement, which startled me more than the last time I got my prostate checked. Apparently, he had a two-way mirror where he could see and kill ALL my units with his never-miss guns before I could execute my clever plan of attack. He also used non-historical tactical nuclear weapons to terrorize my troops. I fear that I didn't even scrape the paint on his AFV's. What can you do when your Greyhound spooks and runs out-of-control to its death, or the Hellcat refuses to fire its main gun point-blank at the AT gun directly in front that kills it, or a German AT gun crew employs Herculean strength to swing the gun around 120 degrees to kill another Greyhound going by at full-speed. Really!!! Gentle Jackals, there is no justice in this case. Final result was total victory for Mark IV, Lawyer's surrender, and a score of 91 to 9. The shame, the shame of it all. Nonetheless, despite the score, Lawyer recommends that you NOT vote for Mark IV. I can't afford to swell his ego for our re-match game, when my artillery barrage from the first game finally arrives on GDT (Godot Delay Time) to do him in. Also, for chrissakes, he is a SALESMAN (he calls it "marketing", yeah sure), which is even LOWER on the foodchain than lawyers. AND he lives in Fresno. Nuff said. *CAPTAIN FOOBAR* (if that's REALLY his name): What planet does the Good Captain live on? In response to Lawyer's challenge to play with historical units, Fudgebar wanted to play a scenario called "Valhalla", which pits all crack Allied units to attack equally crack German units up four sides of an enormous BLINDING WHITE mountain. Just staring at the screen dazed my eyes with a flashback of the Psychedelic 60's. When I demurred at ruining my eyesight playing such nonsense, Foobie came up with the "Singing Slut Shootout" scenario, which is just a giant turkey shoot of Allied tanks stuck out in open fields in the mud. Being a kindly sort, I indulged his fantasy by playing the stoic target while he crowed about his tactical prowess at using hidden Panthers, Stugs, and armored pillboxes to shoot down my defenseless GI's. Oh, did I mention that FooFoo treated himself to an extended absence (rehab center?) and a European vacation while keeping the Lawyer on hold to finish this travesty of a game? And he calls himself a "working man"??? Final result was a tactical victory for FooBart, score of 64 to 27. I still can't believe the AI took away my big victory flag guarded by two tanks because his lousy Jagdtpanzer was within two miles of it. Is there no justice for an Honest Lawyer? Lawyer recommends that you NOT vote for Captain Foobar. To do so would be a blight on civilization, as well as a vote for all those nasty things that don't go down the toilet on the first flush. PLUS, Foobar REALLY wants the Prize movie. Take pleasure in denying him pleasure, just like his girlfriends and sheepfriends always do. LAWYER: Now here is a Worthy Chap, a Friend to all, and a Noble Warrior who never quits the battlefield when he is winning. Someone you would leave your inheritance to so he won't take it all for himself after you are gone. Someone you would trust alone with your girlfriend, if she is good looking or rich. Someone just like you, or maybe even better than you... (Just joking, keep on voting). Lawyer recommends that you vote YES to name the Lawyer the real Victor of the Lawyer's Cup. In your heart, you know he's right! So there it all is, Gentle Jackals of the Jury. Cast your vote, together with a brief reason for your choice. And I shall be back to you soon with the final results. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....