Lawyer

Morse neglects to mention that I trounced him so badly in our first game that the computer was forced to surrender his troops to save him more embarrassment. Nonetheless, jd achieved tactical victory in this match just like Dubya won the presidency -- by an insider fix to rig the results. In fact, I have photographic evidence of Morse fondling the AI to gain favors on the battlefield which defy any rational explanation. I shall send the pics to the National Inquirer. Considering that the AI is less than 3 years old, this is a very serious child abuse felony that will land jd in deep doo doo, and perhaps enable him to meet new friends named Bubba in Walla Walla. This was my first snow and night game. But it was really more like playing Quake, with jd's Hellcats doing spin moves and actually ramming my Tiger to kill it. Then there were the 10 or 20 HMG nests that I'm sure is a truly authentic historical OOB. I kept waiting for him to fire his BFG. I venture that "jd" is really some 14-year-old snot called HotHand in Quake Arena who sent in his grandad's picture for Lorak. Can you say "gamey bastard", boys and girls? If you didn't have reason enough to hate lawyers before, then you certainly can join me in hating Morse. And I, an Honest Lawyer, was victimized. So jd got the better of my sick and wounded German hospital column attempting to pass peacefully on its way to see Frieda and the kinder in der Fatherland. I would like to say they fought valiantly, except they didn't. Truth be told, lads, they were Chickentruppen who had a very bad herren day. It's not nice to disapoint SturmLawyerFuhrer, and so the survivors were all sent to humiliate themselves to a mass audience in the TV show of the same name. I shall challenge jd to a re-match in the Name of Honor. In the meantime, I urge all of you to spit bile upon his evil bones. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

You don't have a computer. You've got an outdated hippie lifestyle replacement called a Mac. I'll be you've got one of those cute Apple rainbow decals on the back of your Volvo station wagon too. Try that in DC and you'll have more Rainbow friends than a dog has fleas or Croda has crabs. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 02-05-2001).]

Peng made a quicker comeback than Jesse Jackson. I guess he feels we need some moral guidance that only he can provide. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Flail on, Snakeboy. Because I am ALWAYS offensive, I am NEVER defensive. May you sit in the narrow middle seat on your long flight to Dallas, squashed tightly between Trish, who's been meaning to go on a diet since 1972, and Roy with his hairy chest and back making a statement of Real Masculinity that he displays through the thin black net nylon ginny-T covering part of his nipples and not much more. If you're lucky, Roy will have gotten a refill of his Powerful He-Man Musk Oil that he JUST KNOWS will attract the Babe of his Dreams. Having seen your fine facial features on Lorak's site, I surmise that this could be your lucky Life Moment. Please fasten your seat belt snugly for excitement, and eat a nasty meal for all of us. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Yo, Chrislichenfernboy, you said you were in no hurry. Obviously, that was the first of your lies. What next?? I am taking time to make sure you get the perfect game setup you deserve. Tomorrow or whenever. In the meantime, write a sonnet to tell Peng how much you miss him. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Me too. Manx has the right idea and the skill to implement it. Thanks. Jake

You can't even touch an intern for $20. Good government ain't free, ya cheapskate. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Dear INSERT [Mr. Peng]: Thank you so much for taking time to express your views to me on this important issue. I will keep your thoughts in mind as I continue to represent the interests of you and all my constituents here in Washington. Without the participation of valuable citizens such as yourself, we cannot as a Nation hope to deal with the pressing matters you mention. I feel it is my duty to reply to you personally regarding your concerns. Too many Americans believe that Washington is not interested in their problems. By this note, I hope to impress upon you that we are indeed listening to what you say, taking appropriate actions to meet your concerns, and promoting the goals that we all share for ourselves and our children in this great Nation. With your help and support, I will press ahead with the important agenda you have thoughtfully set forth. But I cannot do it alone. Unfortunately, there are many in the United States and abroad who seek to undermine the values we both hold dear. I can be even more effective in protecting you and your family from assaults on our values if you are able to make a donation to the FRIENDS OF LAWYER FOUNDATION. To accommodate all levels of participation, we have posted the following list of suggested donations. We accept major credit cards and cash -- $10,000 and above -- Lawyer's Best Friend. This highest level is for those who wish to come to Lawyer's home, enjoy complimentary beverages, and play a friendly match of Combat Mission with Lawyer himself. Lawyer understands that winning is important if America is to remain competitive in the global economy, so your status as Lawyer's Best Friend assures that he will graciously assist in letting you win the match. $5,000 -- Lawyer's Pal. This level of participation guarantees that Lawyer's secretary will return your call. You also receive a framed and personally inscribed picture of Lawyer with your digital image inserted next to him in a way that looks perfectly natural. Most of Lawyer's Pals also get to play an internet match of Combat Mission with him, to the extent his busy schedule in Washington permits. $1,000 -- Lawyer's Acquaintance. This level of participation is for people who wish to receive a personal nod or a hand wave from Lawyer if he sees them on the street. An affordable option that comes with the promise of personal recognition from Lawyer himself, the Lawyer's Acquaintance level is popular with many of the people from your walk of life. $500 -- Rides the Subway with Lawyer. This level offers hope that Lawyer may ride the same train with you if his limousine breaks down. Intended for people in lower economic circumstances, you still get a chance to particpate in our mutual cause. Below $500 -- Lawyer Doesn't Know You. This is the starting level that lets you contribute something in the hope that someday your contributions will increase substantially. Again, thank you for contacting me on this matter. I certainly hope that this personal note will be the start of a long and fruitful relationship in pursuit of common goals defining us as Americans. Your Public Servant, Lawyer ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

I'm not sure whether the best bet for good shots and kills in CM is to target units yourself or let them move ahead with the AI deciding what targets to shoot. Having observed indecisive AI-controlled units failing to shoot at all, as well as confused AI units shooting at minor targets first, I have been manually targeting many of my units on the battlefield. Yet this is time-consuming and seems to rob my unit AI of the chance to see and exploit sudden targets. I see the pros and cons of each method, but am not sure what to do as a general rule. Right now, I think I do too much manual targeting for my units. What do you recommend? Thanks for any help. Jake

Excellent and well written post. I can testify to the effects JC describes from the viewpoint of receiving and giving. I first learned about 150mm rockets the hard way when they broke up my attack. One well-placed rocket simulaneously caused a bunch of infantry casualties and two abandoned HT's that were nearby. So I tried to use them myself in another game when I was the Germans. But I used them in the attack, and it was a complete waste because the US troops were dug in and many rockets flew off the map. I did use 3 FO's, but it wasn't enough. So I now hope to use them effectively next time. Thanks. Jake

A song for Germanboytoy and Babra Wa-Wa -- "You put your right hand down, "You put your left hand down, "Grab hold of Mr. Happy and you shake him up and down, "You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, "That's what it's all about." "You spread your right cheek right, "You spread your left cheek left, "Bend down for Meeks and Croda and you move your butt around, "You do the Hokey Pokey and you pump it in and out, "That's what it's all about." Mark IV: So you took some Fresno Water Dept. guys to the Taco Bell, sat outside, and fed french fries to the sparrows. I know that's a big deal for you, and I'm glad you were able to slip the expense past the bean-counters. Aren't you the same sensitive guy who feeds plastic six-pack holders to Danny the Dolphin and leaves your boogers under the conference room table? ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Oppulent Lifestyle Update: Thankoo, thankoo, thankoo zzoo mooch for all your heartfelt compliments on my looks, profession, and lifestyle. Especially the WildThang and Auntie Seana-who-cares, who lamely attempt to make their own lost lives meaningful by tossing catty (sorry Kitty) comments at the Legal King. Such Nattering Nabobs of Negativism. FYI. Today, I had lunch with a banking lobbyist at a fancy Washington restaurant, AND YOU DIDN'T. He paid the hefty tab, of course. While tasting the tender morsels of superior everything, I thought about the homeless and piss-drenched lovables here at the Pool. Sure I did. Let them eat ****e, said I, for it is the best of all they shall ever encounter in this World. And it is surely more than they deserve. Thereupon, the waiter immediately brought us a round of Inna-gadda-da-vida (circa 1966) to sip while the Pleasure Ladies soothed my soul, which was fatigued from dealing with the endless complaints of the working class deadbeats who inhabit this den of vermin. So, piss off, you tit-headed Losers. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Hair envy will get you no where, you old goat. You've never thanked me for the Best Supporting Actor role I gave you in my Legal King thread last weekend. We're talking Academy Award writing here. I screw liberals all the time. Just give me her number is she's attractive. Otherwise, stick it where the Peng don't shine. I'm investigating using my Washington contacts, and I will make sure that you never touch a dime of Social Security. You try to be nice to an old guy, and what does it get you .... BTW, where's your picture? ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men.... [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 01-30-2001).]

------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Chrisl, you nitwit. There are two Washington Lawyer rules you need to remember, if you can count that high -- 1. Take care of Important People first (ie. people who give you money). 2. Chrisl is NOT important. So either send mucho moola pronto to expedite the process, or spend some quality time with Mr. Zipper Pal to see why he keeps spurning your advances. BTW, I see from your profile that you are a "phisyphist". Does that mean you are the recipient for those fist tricks that are so popular at California leather bars? I shall attempt to complete your file tonight unless there's something more interesting on the airport information channel. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

That's my Power Picture, jd. All Washington lawyers have one to impress the folks back home. You don't have to vote for me, but could you please send me a large financial contribution in case I decide to run? Notice the abundant white.. errr... SILVER, yes, silver stuff on top of my head. That's called HAIR. Just thought you'd like to remember. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Great art takes time, dear PNZ. Some of us actually have a house, a kid, a life, etc. All these require care and feeding. Plus, I ran out of beer before my genius took hold. I know you demand a setup where you can have an entire force of heavy mortars and use their crews as your assault troops. And I'm sure you will appreciate that dealing with the Nitwits in the Pool takes way too much time. As the sign in church says, "Perhaps Today..." Mace: QED on all points. I'd be there in a minute if I knew where it was. Throw a shrimp on the barbie for me, will ya? ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Goanna, you ignoramus. Of course I must separate out the worker bees in speaking about the US because we actually have some here to separate, though most of them come from Mexico and Korea. Unlike OZ, where EVERYONE is on the tit from cradle to grave, and there are no workers at all. Being polite as I always am, I didn't mention that you get a gub'ment allowance to eat, screw, procreate, fart, drink, and die. Plus, you worship the Queen of England and Chucker to boot. You live in a COLONY of ENGLAND! And yes, when you spew posterior droppings like that, you certainly must identify it as a taunt, ineffective as it is, because nobody would recognize it as such otherwise. My witty repartee escapes you because it doesn't start with an "F" and end with "K", nor is it expressed with a vertical finger raising your nose droppings as a gift to Heaven. Let's just chalk this rant by you up to another Pommie wannabe taking a lifelong walkabout in the desert hoping to stumble into Paul Hogan, who you believe is a star simply because you have nothing else to stare at. Oh, I forgot. You do have the aging remnants of Men at Work (ironic), the EasyBeats, and of course the very talented Olivia Newton John. Fer Chrissakes, even the Bee Gees left. BTW, if you want some ethnic diversity in your non-life, go wait tables for the Japanese tourists and pray they learn how to tip. "Do you come from the land downunder, where women glow and men chunder..." As Root Boy Slim would say, "Boogie till You Puke" ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men.... [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 01-27-2001).]

The Lawyer is no longer accepting applications for annihilation. I have graciously agreed to play PeterNZ, Chrisl, and Babra at my discount pro bono rate of $250 per hour. Any additional games must be billed at my normal rate of $400 per hour, plus $10,000 retainer up front. A lawyer's gotta make a living, ya know. I am referring overflow clients to my assistant, jd morse. He has a fine education from somewhere. He helped prove that OJ Simpson was innocent, so that OJ could continue his personal quest to find the real killer. Lately, jd has performed much pro bono work for Hillary, and has a nude picture of her hanging on his wall next the the Monica Lewinsky-autographed cigar that jd sniffs as he toils in his cubicle. In closing, let me thank my agent, my publicist, my business manager, my hair stylist, my valet (jd), and all the other wonderful people who helped me get to where I am today accepting your warm heartfelt admiration. I especially want to thank PeterNZ, a real lamb-lover, for kicking off the bidding. He is so good, he could almost be an Aussie. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

PawBroon: I've reserved a jar with your name on it at the Smithsonian Institution where they will put your brain when you are through with it. From what I read on the forum, you stopped using it long ago. Perhaps some day medical science will be able to diagnose what caused such incoherrent and sick thoughts. Babra: I'm an equal opportunity killer. If only the worthy got legal attention, there would be no lawyers. Wouldn't that be awful? jd: The old, tired corporate counsel for the Pool strike back mindlessly and bitterly as he sees his default title threatened by new and enlightened legal participation. You are wrong, as usual, that I work for the gub'ment. But I have done so before in non-civil service capacities, and I may again to investigate useless Social Security legal work that props up your oppulent lifestyle. It is always amusing when tit-suckers like you complain about government when your mouth is so firmly affixed to the handiwork of Congress and the rules issued by Federal agencies. They pay you just as surely as if you had your actual hand in the Treasury, which you do by constructive definition. (Look that up in WestLaw, and bill it to SSA.) Also, don't forget that many Cesspoolers are sucking on the gub'ment tit one way or another in order to finance their playing time. Don't mess around with that. PeterNZ and Chrisl: I feel your pain, and will deal with your need to be thrashed this weekend. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men.... [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 01-27-2001).]

The Legal King suddenly appears on the horizon. It is Saturday morning. A light haze hangs over the Cesspool, the Serengeti Plain of CM, where fat and lazy victims await their fate as this vicious predator approaches. The herd is nervous this morning, stomping about in their own droppings and going nose-to-tail in circles, finding delight in the anal oders they emit. They know that, before the day is out, one of them must be chosen to die a horrible death in order to temporarily satisfy the insatiable hunger of the Legal King. Which one shall it be? There are many species from around the world in the Pool to choose from, but all of them appear to be related to the chicken family. They go **cluck, cluck, cluck** and stick their peckers in the dirt over and over again in the hope that somehow their lives will be spared on this day. Surely, it is the Law of Nature that the fittest shall survive, but who can stand up to LK? The Legal King looks over this vast expanse of wasteland. While in the process of devouring poor jd's half-eaten and still bleating carcass, this magnificent carnivore carefully eyes the herd for his Next Victim. The chickens are truly afraid. What kind of evil beast is this that enthusiastically attacks and kills one of his own kind? If jd is fallen prey, what hope is there for the others? Seanachai, the old goat who oversees all happenings in the Pool, understands that Nature must take its course. The weak must fall to the strong in order that the herd will continue in its mass torpor, bleating and passing gas, while chewing cuds and staring stupified at each other. This is the way it has always been, they say. Seanachai knows that change has come to the Pool. "Come," he says to the Legal King. "It is time for you to ascend to your throne." "Would you like some foreign food? Germanboy makes for an easy feast, but the flesh can be poisonous. If you prefer French, Pawbroon goes down quickly with a nice red wine, but I'm told his remains stick in your teeth." "No," replies the Legal King, "this is Super Bowl weekend and I need some American red meat to satiate my hunger." Ignoring the unsettling fact that he himself is being sized-up as a meal by LK, Seanachai stammers, "Then issue your Call of the Wild." "WHO GOT GAME??" roars the Legal King. Annoyed and surprised that his area weapon personal attacks on Pool members have not yet produced a challenge, the Legal King asks the wise old goat, "Don't these dorks have any pride at all?" Seanachai nods his head sagely at LK's keen observation, and replies, "No, Legal King, they hang out here in the safety of numbers to avoid playing anyone who might present a real threat to their fragile egos. They are not soldiers, they are an online Brownie troop. You dropped a turd in their punchbowl, but they continue to drink the fetid liquid anyway in the hope that you will depart peacefully and let them live." Seanachai continues, "You are too cool and good-looking for them. They know they are not worthy." "Then I will dig deeper and tell them," says LK, "You eat the yellow snow... AND YOU STORE THE LEFTOVERS IN YOUR HOME FREEZER FOR LATER!" Seanachai gasps at the Evil he beholds! Never have epithets reached such a level as this. What has the Cesspool done to deserve this fate? "Tell them also," says the Legal King, "THAT THEY FRENCH-KISS THEIR GRANDMOTHERS AND ENJOY IT!!" Seanachai warily turns to the Cesspool members, and says, "Who here will be the sacrificial lamb for the Legal King this weekend, so that the rest of us may live another day in our foul-smelling stupor?" Who indeed wonders the Legal King. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men.... [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 01-27-2001).]

You're really beefing up the site, Manx. Great work! Your doing what I want, which means you get more Lawyer visits and no extra billing. LOL! Cheers, Jake ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Moriarty: Lower than a Lawyer?? Only Mark IV as a "marketing" man falls into that category, unless we have some car salesmen here. Joe Shaw: Lawyers are evil and counter-productive to society, but whatever "mortgage" thing you're involved with is the biggest evil of all. As the Byrds sang in "Pretty Boy Floyd": "Some men will rob you with a six-gun and some with a fountain pen". Plus, I couldn't even get a real beer in Salt Lake City. Ain't comin' back. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Moriarty: Lower than a Lawyer?? Only Mark IV as a "marketing" man falls into that category, unless we have some car salesmen here. Joe Shaw: Lawyers are evil and counter-productive to society, but whatever "mortgage" thing you're involved with is the biggest evil of all. As the Byrds sang in "Pretty Boy Floyd": "Some men will rob you with a six-gun and some with a fountain pen". Plus, I couldn't even get a real beer in Salt Lake City. Ain't comin' back. ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

Lorak: You re-wrote my statement, which is okay. "My family comes from NC. I know all about six-pack love and Southern girls who listen to lies. Sadly I couldn't even get that right and was forced to satisfy myself with tipping cows, from behind, with my hands tied behind my back." My main concern is that I didn't know you were watching what I did with the cows. Whistle next time, will ya? ------------------ Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....