Lawyer

A busy week for me here in Washington as my deal with the Russians for $1.6 million in walking around money came unraveled. Things looked grim for a while until I successfully shifted the blame to some poor schmuck at the FBI named Robert Hanssen. Now he's busy taking the fall while I get back to CM stuff. He'll be slingin' hash in Lewisburg for a long time while bunking with one of Iksander's missing link relatives from Bum****, KY. Justice prevails once again. My belated response to that doofus Michael Dorass question "Why is there a Peng thread? Well, Michael, using the questionable questioning method of that all-original Greek-lovin' wild guy Socrates (whose answer avoidance scam was worthy of a shrink or a lawyer), I respond as follows: Why are there mosquitos, and why do they always know where you are? Why are cockroaches the most successful species on earth? Why are there hemorrhoids, and why do they never go away? Why is Regis Philbin popular? Why does Britney Spears assault my aural senses instead of performing a satisfying sensual duet with Mr. Happy at my house? Why is that arrogant moron Chrisl permitted access to the internet? Why does jd's hair look like it was transplanted from his pubic area? Why is Croda's dirty talk babbling so titillating to pool members? For that matter, why is Joe Shaw so funny when he doesn't use dirty words? Why hasn't Meeks been banned from the CM forum and the human race? Why do the Chinese kill innocent rhinos for sex potions instead of grinding up the enormous tusks displayed by Mace? Why is Peng such a Pod when there is no money in it? Why, oh why, oh why, dear nitwit Dorash? The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind... or maybe it's blowing in the porcelain convenience down the hall. Go stick your head in and have a look, okay? Now, a brief update: Ghrisl is methodically blowing up a lovely German city because he has not the skill to match my tactics in real fighting. Unfortunately, those buildings held a convent of nuns and some priests with their private stock of boy scouts. Tsk Tsk. It's all a trap to demonstrate that rocket science is not based upon common sense or winning. Lawyer holds the flags in this one. Icky Sandmanstarted our game by demonstrating his concept of massed armor -- he put about six tanks in one foxhole so I would know where to shoot them. Now he is sacrificing the rest of his poor hillbillies one unit at a time. Put your money on Lawyer by sending it to me for safekeeping. BTW, we are accurately modelling the effects of booze in WWII decision-making as we go along in this match. Icky sucks down Bud Lite's while sending me descriptions of more exotic drinks that he reads about in Cosmopolitan magazine. All lies, of course. The Lawyer proudly imbibes 3 Monts ale from Flanders, and plots turns accordingly. KiwiPNZ doesn't say much, but then there's not much to say when his gamey defense is simply to run an HT around the map until it gets shot dead or runs out of gas. To be honest, I think he moved all his units off the map in a preemptive strike to avoid humiliation from losing to the Lawyer. Babra seems non-plussed about wearing the monicker of an aging diva. Right now, he's proud of gunning down a busload of unarmed visiting firemen who thought his Nazi's were selling lemonade at the roadside stand outside of town. Of course, my main attack and the victory flags are on the other side of town, where he thinks a Tiger Target Tank will carry the day against my land armada of AFV's. Ain't gonna happen. Well, back to screwing the public. Hugh Rodham tells me there's still some money to be made off the Clinton pardons. Why don't you all bend over and examine yourselves for rectal "tension" after a big bowl of chili? ------------------ Men were shot down for the sake of fun, Or just to hear the noise of their .44 guns... -- Marshall Tucker Band [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 02-22-2001).]

Cover up, Foobar!! For the love of God, man, have you no shame? There are children watching! ------------------ Men were shot down for the sake of fun, Or just to hear the noise of their .44 guns... -- Marshall Tucker Band

Hey Mace, you pommie wannabe tithead, I work hard to maintain my reputation as a parasite on society. Quit raising me up the ladder. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

PBEM is more fun and easier to setup by letting the AI choose the forces. That way, I don't get accused of being a gamey bastard until the second turn. Plus, I'm the type of guy who always buys ties that look the same. So I enjoy having the AI choose weapons I would never try on my own. Better play balance too. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Get back in the cesspool you stupid git. I'll deal with you later. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Gristle, aka The Little Old Lady from Pasadena Poolers, please excuse these rants of the severly ego-challenged Gristle, who is applying for another Federal grant to fund his ongoing attempts to learn how to beat me. I fear he has been inhaling his zit cream once too often. I did not previously deem it necessary to intrude upon your proboscis mining time to bore you with the details of how I was methodically taking out Gristle's tanks and troops, mostly with a single 20mm stationary flak gun that he insists upon charging again and again to his dismay and the growing body count of his bulletstoppers. (You think he would learn after a while...) But this whining sissy of a Rocket Scientist insists on sharing every one of his silly moves in This Hallowed Public Place, even though they are boring and deserve not the honor. He has become so desperate in the waning hours of his vacant existence that he apparently must hoot and holler over the most trivial of events. We are collectively embarrassed for him because he is not able to understand his personally inflicted debasement himself. The Federally-funded computers at Caltech are hot to the touch after being run all night to illegally insert an AT team beside each of my AFV's. Gristle then glorifies his illgotten rewards as "accomplishments", when in fact it is just more of the gamey behavior he has displayed throughout our match. No wonder the US rocket program is behind time and way beyond budget. To All Men Present: Be advised that Lawyer still holds all victory flags, and that said Gristle is even now applying blue facepaint to his men for once last suicidal charge against my entrenched SMG force. Now go stick your collective heads where the sun don't shine. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Typical Canuck hiding ****e. I'm managing along fighting True Evil on a 56k modem. And Babra has trouble if he can't download the world in two minutes. Let them eat Bandwidth... ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

When I got into WWII flight sims a couple of years ago, I wanted to use "Jake" as a handle cuz it sounded cool like Maverick or such. But it was taken by some idiot who never posted anyway. So I thought some squadron guys were called by their trade names like "Doc". I chose Lawyer. Naturally used it when I came to CM, and it really pisses off jd, which makes it even more worthwhile. BTW, I've never had any problem finding opponents or motivating them to try their best to kill me. Hehehe... ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

I need some advice on where to stay when I visit the Ardennes area this summer. I want to visit the battle sites and museums, read, walk around, drink and eat, and generally relax for one or two weeks. I will rent a car. My guidebook recommends staying in St. Vith as a base to visit the smaller towns. I've never been in that area, but I read somewhere that St. Vith is kind of blah. No charm. I have previously enjoyed visiting the Mosel River wine area, which may be similar to the Ardennes. I've only found the names of a couple of hotels in St. Vith or Malmedy on the internet. I want to stay somewhere comfortable and informal. I do not want to be around spa-seeking big money vacationers. I can afford to stay at a 2 or 3 star place. Is St. Vith the best town to stay in that area? Any other suggestions of towns or hotels that are cool? Thanks for any help. I really want to have a good week or two of history-based vacation. I need to make reservations now since I will be going in peak season. Cheers, Jake ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Check your email, if you know how Dilbert! The setup was sent to you yesterday, you nincompoop. I thought Croda loosed a whiskey fart on the forum, but it was just Ikki-san blowing his nose again. And you WILL die a lot. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

I had this problem too with two squads under command attacking an immobile Chaffee right next to it in the snow. He killed a bunch of my troops and the rest fled in disarray. I couldn't understand it, and am interested to see others having the same problem. I did think my units should have caused some damage, but not a scratch that I could see. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

This bit of uncalled for libel justifies a game update of my present Sunday stroll in the park where I am turning Chrisl into Gristle at an alarming rate. We are at the mid-point of a game where nothing works for him except his 155mm mouth. I admit that things did start poorly for Krisl as he performed a most determined assault directly upon my AP minefield, setting off the fireworks going forward, and then again going backwards as my MG stung the heels of his retreating scared GI's. But for most of this battle, I thought KrislGristle was really playing Age of Empires as he instituted a siege of my German citadel for 10+ turns, sitting at the gates and doing nothing but waiting and firing a few pot shots. Then I saw that he was in fact portraying Joshua at the gates of Jericho as his men marched around and around my fortified town hoping for the walls to collapse or somefink. In either case, it has not worked, to put it mildly. My Germs get a little target practice as his Indians whoop and holler running around the outskirts of the real objectives. He ain't even in the suburbs yet. Tell BTS to put in a graves registration unit for Gristle, so he can load up on something useful to employ in his plan of "attack". ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Must-Have-More-Magua! Yes, I will use his scenery. Please make it hi-res. I use his two-story buildings mixed with Panzertruppen's low building which are hi-res. Overall, though, the style and lighter colors of Magua look more realistic to me, as well as visually pleasing in the game environment. His half-tracks are simply incredible, and I wish he could re-do many more vehicles. Thanks to Magua for all his hard work, as well as Dragoon for carrying on the Kump tradition. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 02-10-2001).]

Total Factual History of jd Formerly Known as Morse vs. Lawyer: First Match -- Lawyer - Total Victory Morse - Total Abject Loser Second Match -- Morse - Tactical Victory Lawyer - Victory Challenged, but Cool Under Fire Nonetheless Third Match?? Morse refuses to play, preferring to live with the memory of his lucky moment, just like the chickens on TV who refuse to play Double Jeopardy. Let the Jury of Jackals consider the facts and reach their own conclusion. I'm moving on to more worthwhile pursuits. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Is your ego so weak that you must constantly rehash the only winning moment in your empty life, when a goddamn computer gave you "victory" over a keen student of CM who was simply experimenting with new tactics? Must you embarrass the pondscum residents of the Pool by your constant posturing over a computer victory that resulted from a stacked deck? Can't you let it go gracefully and move on to claim a legitimate win? My dad didn't work his butt off to create a cushy firm where I could retire by acting like a lawyer while playing CM, so I am able only to post occasionally as time from WORK permits. I cannot afford to reside here every moment of every day as you do. Now, go pet your hemorrhoids again. Unlike me, they crave your personal attention. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

I realized as I poured some Drano down the bathroom sink this morning that I had just erased the DNA for your entire family. I would apologize, but I was safeguarding the human gene pool by eradicating any threats from the proto-humanoid missing links that reside in whatever godforsaken holler you inhabit. Perhaps if you and Miss Piggy mate again this evening, as is your weekly ritual, you can sire a new line of bacterial slime. Of course, Miss Piggy may insist that you take your biennial bath a tad early so she can stand the stench. Then again, you may not have enough strengh left to satisfy a porker. On the way to work (do you know what the word means?), I spotted a disgusting hocker on the street that I assumed was expectorated by a syphilitic vagrant. But I realized it was just the leftovers from your last visit to Washington, when an over-excited Mr. Happy broke lose from your trousers and puked his life fluids upon the sidewalk, where neither sleet, nor snow, nor galeforce storm can wash away the stain. So I guess you think that I should be happy as a priest at Boy's Town about receiving your insipid challenge. In fact, you and your challenge have all the charm of a barrel of toe-pickin's. Still, to keep your spawn from infecting society at large, I shall smite you with the Mighty Sword of the Legal King, aka The Jake Snake (see the post to jd above). As your proposed parameters for the match stated above are mere psycho-babble to the literate, I shall send whatever I please when it pleases me, and you shall be grateful to be acknowledged at all. So it is written, so let it be. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 02-09-2001).]

In addition to great length and reach, The Snake has a long memory, as you shall learn. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Nein, Rotary Club Jester. The infamous Jake Snake is in fact a powerful and very useful predator that makes sure the balance of Nature will be preserved. It has incredibly long reach that penetrates victims around the world with impugnity. Like all true hunters, The Snake strikes quickly, conquers its targets through great size and overwhelming strength, and then retreats silently to its lair to wait for the next prey. Although it suffered a bit of frostbite during our snow battle, it is again functioning at peak capacity in games with select Pool members who need a good snakin'. More details to follow as events progress... ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter [This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 02-09-2001).]

Lawyer ist Rechtsanwalt? Nein. Lawyer ist der Sensenmann und der Todbringer. Ja! Das ist gut. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Do you need to tell mines to hide, or are they automatically hidden to the opponent?

Just finished a QB where my Sturmgrppe troops spotted AT mines on a road in the snow and night. I then drove around them. So Croda may be on to something.

WOW! Germany! Western province of Turkey. Sunday shopping. Nazi's without swastikas. Laughing carefree people. 50 weeks of mandatory vacation. Heart attack food. Red army faction babes. A land where invade is not a sexual term. We got it all here! I'll just set up my office to process the necessary papers to make sure everyone is in accord with German laws. Thank God, we finally found a country with more invasive (oops, that naughty word again) laws than the US. mensch, your papers are not in order. My Stasi spies saw what you said on the Kanada thread. You have 48 hours to leave the country. Icky Sandy Poo from Gutbucket, KY, go read my dismissal of your non-self on the last thread. I'm too lazy to repeat it. jd, I got here first. Tough ****e. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

I'm surprised you could scrape enough boogers off your frontal slope forehead to see well enough to type such pale crapola. You're just lucky God created gravity so your brackish drool doesn't drown you by flowing up your snout. First, let's get it straight that nobody, I mean NOBODY, is better armed and trained in urban warfare than the homeboys in DC. Your redneck pals may own some mega-caliber weapons, but they don't practice on actual human targets nearly as much as the DC crowd. We got the body count to prove it. Being in the midst of a powerful Bud dream when I replied to your piss-ass taunt last night, I forgot that you are indeed lower than a worm's fecal matter. The only way you can find your way home is by sniffing the shiny trail that follows you wherever you go. You are not a fit morsel for The Legal King. So go tie yourself to a tree and play out that scene from Deliverance again. Put your butt hull down upon the admiring face of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel, and don't bother me again with your preposterous pap. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Okay, Ike-Tyke, you've gone too far. Newt is now suing me for absconding with his $4 million book deal by misidentification. I've always wanted to play a CM match with a mule-sniffin' F-250 drivin' piece of puke Dilbert from (GASP!) KENTUCKY?? Where so-called men like YOU are horny and animals are afraid... Well, your sig says you want to drink as much as I do, but I don't think you're Man Enough to piss with the Lawyer. So I propose an Alcohol Face-Off to the Finish! No move is made on the field of battle unless the opponents are ****-Faced (Not sorry, jd, all similarities are intended). So shall we do battle? Or will you be sleepin' with the "missus" tired old Derby loser out in the barn tonight? Hey, I heard there's a Big City named Lexington where they have girls and plumbing and everything.... WOW! You Port-a-Potty Sniffing Piece of ****e. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter

Thus Spake Zaramethusla. LORAK: Enter a default judgment major victory in my name vs. jd wimp on the board. His failure to answer a legal summons means summary judgement in favor of the plaintiff. That would be ME. Res ipsa loquitur. ------------------ Some days the sun just don't shine up a dog's behind. -- Catfish Hunter