The Peng Challenge Thread. Accept no Substitutes!

[Stuka]

Does she have a moustache like yours?

[Boo Radley]

Joe is from Bugtussle, Tennessee.......as are all Hillbillies...

I love it when some goggley-eyed Gobbernational makes broad cultural inferences from watching "The Beverly Hillbillies".

He also learned about paleoanthropology by watching "It's About time"

http://www.tvparty.com/recits.html

[dalem]

Does she have a moustache like yours?

Actually this last winter me & some of the fellas did a "beard chicken" contest. No shaving from October until the last beard was standing, mine, in late February. It was an awful Civil War General beaver and it scared everyone. Then I shaved it into Flashman "cavalry whiskers" for a week or so, then it all came off and I was clean-shaven for the first time since 1984 for a couple of weeks.

But to answer your question, yes.

Yes she does.

[Michael Emrys]

Yes she does.

Does she wax it and comb it all pretty like yours? And does she know how to clean and gap spark plugs on a motorcycle?

Michael

[Patch]

Don't go to church on Sunday

Don't get on my knees to pray

Don't memorize the books of the Bible

I got my own special way

I know Jesus loves me

Maybe just a little bit more

I fall down on my knees every Sunday

At Zerelda Lee's candy store

Well it's got to be a chocolate Jesus

Make me feel good inside

Got to be a chocolate Jesus

Keep me satisfied

Well I don't want no Abba Zabba

Don't want no Almond Joy

There ain't nothing better

Suitable for this boy

Well it's the only thing

That can pick me up

Better than a cup of gold

See only a chocolate Jesus

Can satisfy my soul

When the weather gets rough

And it's whiskey in the shade

It's best to wrap your savior

Up in cellophane

He flows like the big muddy

But that's ok

Pour him over ice cream

For a nice parfait

Well it's got to be a chocolate Jesus

Good enough for me

Got to be a chocolate Jesus

Good enough for me

Well it's got to be a chocolate Jesus

Make me feel good inside

Got to be a chocolate Jesus

Keep me satisfied

Chocolate Jesus - Tom Waits

[Boo Radley]

Actually this last winter me & some of the fellas did a "beard chicken" contest. No shaving from October until the last beard was standing, mine, in late February. It was an awful Civil War General beaver and it scared everyone. Then I shaved it into Flashman "cavalry whiskers" for a week or so, then it all came off and I was clean-shaven for the first time since 1984 for a couple of weeks.

You have a rich and wonderful life, don't you?

[Stuka]

Something you can only fantasize about eh Boo? Well, that and Judge Judy in lingerie of course...

[Yeknodathon]

... with a riding crop

[Stuka]

You and Boo can get a room.....

[Boo Radley]

You and Boo can get a room.....

Preferably overlooking your veranda, so's we can drop things on that pointy little head of yours.

[OGSF]

Wha' sort of things, Boo? Ye prevert.

[Boo Radley]

Wha' sort of things, Boo? Ye prevert.

Things that

A) Are heavy.

2) Are messy.

III) Smell very, very bad.

What do you weigh, again?

[Joe Shaw]

{snipped} And does she know how to clean and gap spark plugs on a motorcycle?

Michael

Watch it mister ... this is a family site and we don't appreciate your potty mouth.

That being said it's always good to keep up with the latest terminology ... I for one wasn't aware the kids were calling it that now ... and on a motorcycle which certainly implies some excellent balance from both parties.

Joe

[Yeknodathon]

Things that

A) Are heavy.

2) Are messy.

III) Smell very, very bad.

What do you weigh, again?

I like to ping Gnomes up to a veranda

A) Are light

2) Are bouncy

III) Smell rubbery

[Michael Emrys]

III) Smell rubbery

You have a thing for rubber, don't you? I may send you a worn set of Michelins for Christmas. Then again, I may just forget to.

Michael

[Seanachai]

But then, my sister's pretty hot.

And yet, strangely, you've never offered to introduce us...

[Seanachai]

Actually this last winter me & some of the fellas did a "beard chicken" contest. No shaving from October until the last beard was standing, mine, in late February. It was an awful Civil War General beaver and it scared everyone. Then I shaved it into Flashman "cavalry whiskers" for a week or so, then it all came off and I was clean-shaven for the first time since 1984 for a couple of weeks.

I remember late nights in February when I would grip my glass and try to focus, and pronounce: "General Dalem, I need you to remove those people from the ridge. You will put your men into line, and bid them charge. I cannot tell you sir, how important it is that those people should be swept away."

It's like his beard reached into my very being and opened a door that filled the room with the scent of whisky, cigars, black powder and blood, and filled the air with shouts, screams and curses.

Given that it was Saturday night at Dalem's, the only element that came from some imagined memory was 'the smell of black powder'. Pretty much everything else was just the normal smells and sounds of a weekend at Dalem's.

You don't get the 'smell of black powder' at Dalem's on a weekend. He's very thorough and careful about locking up the guns and ammo when the cap comes off the bottle.

'Course, you still get the smell of blood, because after a few hours of heavily imbibing himself, he's pretty good about handing round the swords, including museum quality rapier replicas. And the gladius. That damn thing has actually been given a true edge. Half the damn wounds are self-inflicted, of course. Give a number of shouting drunkards swords, and almost invariably the first thing they'll manage to stab is themselves.

We manage to stab each other just often enough to keep the evening interesting, and make sure that everyone's on their toes. You can't depend on the fact that just because the last 14 times he was given a sword, Lars just managed to rip up his own shirt, coat, pants leg, give himself minor stab wounds 3 times, cut himself mildly 6 times, destroy a stack of mail, and scare all the pets. Because the 15th time, he could puncture your lung.

And a sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you that you should have paid more attention to Lars.

[Seanachai]

Then I shaved it into Flashman "cavalry whiskers" for a week or so, then it all came off and I was clean-shaven for the first time since 1984 for a couple of weeks.

Yeah, the 'cavalry whiskers' were a fecking piece. I got to see them, and I still curse the fact that my camera wasn't in my back-pack that night. Truly hideous.

Made me feel like Lucan, Cardigan, Dalem and I should hit the bars before trying to find a knocking shop in Columbia Heights.

I just kept touching my face all night, to make sure it wasn't contagious.

[Seanachai]

The ultimate, final upshot of all this 'beard talk' is simply this: Everyone who knows Dalem, after the 'clean shave', told him: Dude. Grow back some facial hair. No one wants to see that.

[Joe Shaw]

Yeah, the 'cavalry whiskers' were a fecking piece. I got to see them, and I still curse the fact that my camera wasn't in my back-pack that night. Truly hideous.

Made me feel like Lucan, Cardigan, Dalem and I should hit the bars before trying to find a knocking shop in Columbia Heights.

I just kept touching my face all night, to make sure it wasn't contagious.

But we've met dalem haven't we just Seanachai ... and we've come away knowing deep in our gut that the whiskers just weren't quite the thing.

Not enough Flashy in the lad to pull it off ... for one thing he doesn't toady worth a damn.

Joe

[Seanachai]

But we've met dalem haven't we just Seanachai

Not enough Flashy in the lad to pull it off ... for one thing he doesn't toady worth a damn.

Joe

True, Joe. Not to mention that he's not worth a ****e as a coward. But, and I think this is significant, he's quite good in terms of roaring and carrying on. And although his behaviour when deep in his cups is often ridiculous, his sheer capacity for drunkenness is impressive.

Not like myself, of course. He's simply the D'Artagnan to my Athos. I am one of Nature's noblemen.

[dalem]

True, Joe. Not to mention that he's not worth a ****e as a coward. But, and I think this is significant, he's quite good in terms of roaring and carrying on. And although his behaviour when deep in his cups is often ridiculous, his sheer capacity for drunkenness is impressive.

Not like myself, of course. He's simply the D'Artagnan to my Athos. I am one of Nature's noblemen.

I TOLD you I was D'Artagnan. Sot.

[dalem]

Okay, time for everyone to hunt for their big boy britches.

Versificationisms? You want versificationisms? Some years ago I posted a Magnum Opus. Or I shot a penguin with a really really large handgun. I can't remember. But irreshpectowiggle, I versified. And that versification fell, like most of them do, on deaf ears, dumb mouths, and senseless typing fingers.

In short, it got rave reviews: Teenage girls fainted. Grandmothers wept. Wives reached for their little helpers and Husbands reached for their shotguns.

I've made some small edits, and I am performing yet another "first" for the Peng Challenge Thread. I am reposting something old. Slightly borrowed, and slightly Blue.

Consider it my wedding present for Seanachai's forehead and his keyboard when he passes out cold later.

Ahem.

=======================

Under Martian Law, utterances by Gnomes and other Creatures of Faerie shall serve to trigger versifications of Atomic Persiflage.

It might do you well to recall the heady days of Meat Loaf...

PBEM by the CM Light

I. PBEM

Gnome:

I remember every little turn

As if they loaded only yesterday

PBEMing in the dark

And there was not another game in sight

And I never had a foe

Playing any worser than you did

And all the Cesspoolers

They were wishing they were me that night

And now our recon screens are so close and tight

It never felt so good, it never felt so right

And we're glowing like the tracer at the end of its flight

C'mon! Watch the flank!

C'mon! Watch the flank!

Chorus:

Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night

I can play PBEM by the CM light

Peng:

Ain't no doubt about it

We were doubly blessed

Cause we were barely on Turn 5

And we were barely dressed

Ain't no doubt about it

Baby got to go and shout it

Ain't no doubt about it

We were doubly blessed

Gnome:

Cause we were barely on Turn 5

And we were barely dressed

Baby doncha hear my heart

You got it drowning out the sound FX

I've been waiting so long

For you to come along and hit my mines

And I gotta let ya know

No you're never gonna regret it

So open up your eyes I got a big surprise

It'll feel all right

Well I wanna make your Sherman burn

And now our recon screens are oh so close and tight

It never felt so good, it never felt so right

And we're glowing like the tracer at the end of its flight

C'mon! Watch the flank!

C'mon! Watch the flank!

Chorus:

Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night

I can play PBEM by the CM light

PBEM by the CM light

Gnome:

You got to do what you can

And let the Tac AI do the rest

Ain't no doubt about it

We were doubly blessed

Cause we were barely on Turn 5

And we were barely--

We're gonna go for a Major Victory

We're gonna go for a Major

An tonight's the night...

Radio Broadcast:

Ok, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker

going here, Turn 5, defender Hidden well,

armor recon advancing down the road, and there it is,

a moving shot from a lead Sherman and a defending halftrack

goes up in flames. Look at him go, this tank can really shoot!

He's going straight down the road and through the AT mines and

he's not letting up at all, he's gonna try for Hull Down; an

AT gun reveals itself, here comes the shot, he's hit! No, wait,

Minor Penetration, No Damage, he's fine, this tank really makes

things happen out there.

Followup Sherman comes down the same road, the AT gun rotates to

target, and the first Sherman nails it with one shot. Holy Cow,

Routed the crew!

The first tank's TC's unbuttoned now, almost daring the defender

to try and pick him off. A Tiger I inches forward from cover to

engage the second Sherman but it ends up in the arc of the Hull

Down Sherman, the Sherman's turret rotates, the Tiger I's turret

rotates! Here's the shot, there's the turn clock winding down,

Holy Cow, I think he's gonna hit it!

II. Let Me Drink On It

Peng:

Stop right there!

I gotta know right now!

Before we go any further--!

Will you play me?

Will you play me forever?

Will you loathe me?

Will you always stalk me?

Will you post wicked things for the rest of my life?

Will you reply to my posts and will you cause me much strife?

Will you play me!?

Will you play me forever!?

Will you have my email?

Will you never delete it!?

Will you send me fast turns for rest of my life!?

Will you reply right away and not make me wait while I play on this fife!?

I gotta know right now

Before we go any further

Will you play me!!!?

Will you return turns forever!!!?

Gnome:

Let me drink on it

Baby, baby let me drink on it

Let me drink on it

And I'll give you my answer in the morning

Let me drink on it

Baby, baby let me drink on it

Let me drink on it

And I'll give you my answer in the morning

Let me drink on it

Baby, baby let me drink on it

Let me drink on it

And I'll give you my answer in the morning

Peng:

I gotta know right now!

Will you play me?

Will you play me forever?

Will you loathe me?

Will you never be sober?

Will you turn over fast like a mail-order wife?

Will you remember that we have games backed up to last the rest of my life?

I gotta know right now!

Before we go any further

Will you play me?

And will you play me forever?

Gnome:

Let me drink on it

Baby, baby let me drink on it

Let me drink on it

And I'll give you my answer in the morning

Let me drink on it!!!

Peng:

Will you play me forever?

Gnome:

Let me drink on it!!!

Peng:

Will you play me forever!!!

III. Praying for the End of Time

Gnome:

I couldn't take it any longer

Lord I was drunk

And when the feeling came upon me

Like a boot to the junk

I started swearing to my god and Traci Lords' love for spunk

That I would play you to the end of time

I swore that I would play you to the end of time!

So now I'm praying for the end of time

To hurry up and arrive

Cause if I gotta play another battle with you

I don't think that I can really survive

I'll never break my promise or forget my vow

But Berli only knows what I can do right now

I'm praying for the end of time

It's all that I can do

Praying for the end of time, so I can end my games with you!!!

Gnome:

It was CM:BO all through CM:AK

and it was so much better than it is today

Peng:

He never plays too good

He's never sober at night

And we were glowing like

A tracer at the end of its flight

Thank you, good night!!

[Seanachai]

You will, of course, rot in hell for Eternity.

Eternity is a long, long time, Dalem.

I'll see you Saturday. And there will be a reckoning.

[dalem]

Why do I get the feeling that we'll be calling Berli and yelling into the phone at 2am on Saturday?

Or was that Joe? Or Boo?

Gorramit, we're calling someone at an inappropriate time.

How come Berli never comes to visit?