The_Capt Posted May 25, 2001 Share Posted May 25, 2001 OK good to see that Madmatt et al earned their pay an got this ship afloat once more. Well I am back from a trip away and think that it is time again for some reflection. Yup, time for The_Capt to spout (or vomit) some more wisdom about the game we all love...Combat Mission. First you will notice I changed the title of the column, "The Bi-Monthly Lurker" was a little too close to the "Bi-Lurker; manifesto of a confused 30-something in search of..." So thanks for the e-mails but I am afraid that I am all man and though flattered, not interested. I am however a Lesbian trapped in a man's body but as the number of women who actually play this game can be counted on one hand, and still leave room to hold a smoke and change the channel, I will not hold my breath. Plus I am married and She is the light of my life, the air I breath, mother to those two pit vipers I call children, upon whom my sun rises and sets...blah, blah, blah. I fired PIPPU (for those new to the program he was my aide, a sock puppet who claimed to serve in the "Legion Estranger"), the little bastard kept surrendering everytime the Germans showed up and then demanded he be called Vichy-PIPPU and that I sleep on the floor. So I gave him to the dog..oh ya who's laughin' now! I have a new aide...Fritzy. He has a little Prussian helmet and a moustache. "My Germany includes the whole Vorld!" is his favorite saying. He's not bad but is beginning to make me nervous... Now the topic of this "once every two week" post is the Ten Commandments. No, not the ones that Moses trucked up a mountain for, so that the Big Guy could lay down the "house rules" and generally take all the fun out of life. I mean who doesn't feel the need to worship a graven image now and again or sleep with our neighbors wife? Well except me of course because, She is the cream in my coffee, my fresh ocean breeze, owner of half of my earthly belongings...blah, blah, blah. No these are "The_Capts 10 CM Commandments". "What unholy power gives you the right and authority?" you may say. Good question...you see after playing the game for 24 hours straight without food or water I was visited by the Spirit of CM. Yes, Fritzy was sleeping fitfully by my side muttering "Slodat, vhere is you flamethower?!" and "Achtung Loser!!". When suddenly the normal chatter of CM faded and I heard the clear voice of the Bn CO. He told me that I had been chosen to deliver a message. The Message. The Light that will show them the way!! So I got out a paper and a pen and here is what he said... "In no particular priority or order: #1. Be a spice upon the wind and rain which runs down their backs and into their underclothing" Which I translate to be: You can never lay down too many ground rules. Oh ya, Fionn's 72 short Purple People Eater modified for the TH CAL Sunday after dinner rule. No Volkgrenadiers, No Guns, no Landmines, no flamethowers, no trees, no building..nothing just an empty map. May the best man win. "#2. Look to the ants of the field..do they not dance?" Translation: I you get foolhardy and break #1; you can never have too much infantry. And I mean it. Beg, borrow or steal. Infantry are the stuff of life, the blood of any organization. Throw them away like rice at a wedding. You opponenet will run out of ammo eventually or just let you win cause the slaughter has made him ill. "#3. For my wind shall break like thunder accross there backs and they shall be sorely afeared." Translation: Arty rocks! Mortars when on defence and big stuff whille attacking. Even if you can't hit f@#k all, it is a hell of a lot of fun to watch. "#4. It's one a.m. for Gods Sake! Come to bed!!" Translation: Time on setup is never wasted. Get into every trench, site every AT weapon. You may still suck at it but it wears down you opponent in a TCP game...not so much in a PBEM. "#5. Verly I beseach thee to eat ruffage and love thine colon." Translation: Pass the salad and the rubber glove!!! "#6. Upon thine horses will rest the heart of thine enemies and in their eyes you will see the golfers (not sure about that) of my blood." Translation: Buy cheap armour, you get more and it blows up just as well as the expensive stuff. "#7. Upon the fields of glory lie the blood of both victor and vanquished" Translation; No matter how good it may be going, you still have time to screw it up!! "#8. Foresooth, I say! Hold thine enemy close to thy breast and squeeze." Translation: Never be afraid to try something desperate. Hide in the corners, run away and force him to chase you around the map till he runs out of gas. "#9. I was looking back on my life. And all the things done to me... I am still searching for all the answers..Still searching for the key." Translation: ? I have no freakin idea. Could be something about Int gathering...hell send something in. "#10. Yea, I say to thee that thou shall have no other gods but me." Translation: If you buy any other game after this one you head will explode. Well there you go. Feel free to pick whatever nuggets you can out of that one. I'll be back in a couple of weeks with the next one...still working on the premis but I think the title is catchy "Your Penis, Churchill and CM: A love story". Remember: Play CM until you go blind then hire a monkey to play for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RetardedKeydet Posted May 25, 2001 Share Posted May 25, 2001 lol ...... capt I wish I could rant like you do...... wait I can lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barticus Posted May 25, 2001 Share Posted May 25, 2001 Oh Captain my Captain.... Man, you SERIOUSLY have too much time on your hands. How many hours of sleep deprivation were required for this little masterpiece? Bart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soddball Posted May 25, 2001 Share Posted May 25, 2001 Number 7. It's so true. *SOB* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt.Reaper Posted May 25, 2001 Share Posted May 25, 2001 Please.......Please...keep these gems coming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Capt Posted May 25, 2001 Author Share Posted May 25, 2001 Actually it wasn't so much the loss of sleep and more the booze.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THumpre Posted May 26, 2001 Share Posted May 26, 2001 Capt, if you have enough time to write up gems like these, you surely have enough time to whup my sorry butt again Seriously, if you feel up to it send me an e-mail and let us go forth and decimate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanco Posted May 26, 2001 Share Posted May 26, 2001 Oh No!!! PIPPU GONE?? And fed to the dog?Now this REALLY dissappoints me, Capt. Not because he didn't deserve it, I'm sure he did. I know frenchies pretty good. It's just that you don't kill off a strong main character like that! Pippu had the makings of a Pokemon beater IMHO, and if you can pry him out of the dog's clutches, I would suggest having Pippu try to make a Comeback. It's not too late to have Pippu replace Pikatchu in the hearts and minds of 6-year-olds everywhere. And become filthy rich in the process! C'mon, Capt, get with the program! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pvt. Ryan Posted May 26, 2001 Share Posted May 26, 2001 I smell a set of CM trading cards in the works. :cool: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BloodyBucket Posted May 26, 2001 Share Posted May 26, 2001 I am afraid that retrieving PIPPU will not involve any prying... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imported_Wildman Posted August 3, 2001 Share Posted August 3, 2001 Last and certainly as least as possible, Vol. 4. Hopefully The_Capt will enjoy a raging drinkfest while playing CM and hear more voices. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stalin's Organ Posted August 3, 2001 Share Posted August 3, 2001 Brilliant - perhaps # 9 might be: It doesn't matter what happened in your last game, some b*****d will show up with a brand new gamey tactic in your next one and wipe the floor with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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