Agua Perdido

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by FClark: I just wanted to know if this has ever been seen before.<hr></blockquote> 'Zook crews are quite fearsome in HTH combat. I had one knock out a Pak38 with a rocket, then wound one of the crew and capture the rest using only its fists. Perhaps some could arrange a steel-cage test match to determine if the other types of AT crews are as good in the squared circle? Agua Perdido

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Berlichtingen: Revenge for what? <hr></blockquote> Hell, I don't know. Do I have to have a reason? Call it pre-emptive revenge. Agua Perdido

YK2 ignored me, too. That's okay, though. I still have my hate to keep me warm. No, wait a minute, that's a radiator. Dammit, where'd I leave my hate this morning? I vote, "Splunge*." Agua Perdido (*maybe-yes-but-maybe-no-and-I'm-not-being-indecisive-HI-MOM!)

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Berlichtingen: I will accept the next 10 challenges leveled by anyone against me here in the Mutha Beautiful Thread <hr></blockquote> Berli, I know that secretly, while Persephone sleeps, you flip through your collected print-outs of Gates-Slut's postings (which have been carefully laminated to preserve them against... heavy use (as in "heavy petting," for those of you for whom things must be made especially obvious [COUGH]Croda[/COUGH])), whispering softly, "Oh, if only Bill would would grant me His benediction, showering me with His Holy XP and inspired faith, like he blesses the clearly-blessed Gates-Slut," and remembering how it tears at the core of your being every day to have to enthuse about the new flat-panel iMac to your Windoze-worshipping friends, boasting of its innovative design while suppressing that almost-irrestible desire join them in surrender to the lovely Beige Box from Dell or HP or Gateway that you truly desire--sure, you have a collection of 100 black mock-turtleneck shirts, just like Steve, but when you say his name you no longer hear the beautiful music of the choir of the damned, rather it dissolves into a vision of the shapeless frumpy wool pullovers and thick coke-bottle lenses of your true deity, Bill. I will have a game with you, Villain. I will have my revenge. I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE. Agua Perdido [Edited to add an uncomplimentary throw-away reference to Croda, who is a brainless prat.] [ 01-14-2002: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]</p>

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: Very well then, Slapdragon, since you were recognized by Berli as a Knight I suppose it must be so unless ... <hr></blockquote> Joe, you idiot, did you lose the CrackerJack box that has the Articles of Unwavering and Arbitrary Cesspool Orthodoxy on it? A shmoe like Slappy only gets to be a kanigget if he meets four condition: Next). Plays and completes 5 games in the cesspool while a squire to a recognized kaaaanigit. 37). Lorak scribes it so. pi^e). There is no third thing. Since Slappy has met neither of these conditions (except the fifth one), he is obviously not a kanigit. The acclamation of a single Olde One doesn't amount to a hill of a beans in this crazy Cesspool (unless you're thinking of what issues forth after consuming said hill), especially that one from that crack-addled, pointy-haired dunderhead Berli. Plus, Slappy is a self-confessed girly-drink drunk, and we've already got both Lars and Bauhaus around to fight over that role. Agua Perdido

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Slapdragon: Sorry, Berli elevated me to a knight long long ago.<hr></blockquote> Slapdragon, you idiot. Only Lorak has say over who becomes knight and who does not. Your name ain't on his list. Agua Perdido

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Herr Oberst: European or African 88?<hr></blockquote> Grog! Take that crap into the Outre Boards, where it belongs. Besides, 88s are tropical. Mercia's temperate. Here is a morning-before-coffee UPDATE! Seanachai has learned the value of Not Being Seen. We're on turn 10 in our battle, and we've had a nary a sign of the little gnome. His little cookie factory in the hollowed-out tree is indeed well concealed. Still, my NaturTruppen are having a lovely little stroll in the woods, and his last email had a heart-warming story about a women who emotionally brutalized her children at a showing of Bambi (Sit down, Hanns! Bambi the Disney movie.) Which brings me to Lars. Our little ME is a showpiece of gamey flag-rushing, and my ill-coordinated lackwits aren't much of a match for his well-drilled UberHorde. Still, my Hellcat, racing flat-out within a millimeter of the map-edge, got a first-round hit on his Hetzer, drilling right through its fearsome front upper hull. Some might say it's just dumb luck. Rather, I say it's proof positive that I am a better person than Lars. A glowing endorsement that my very bodily waste is delicately-perfumed ambrosia, while a blind and deaf person with no sense of smell will cross the street, jump a cross-town bus and grab a flight to Newark to avoid having to walk past the dreadful apotheosis of feculence-made-animate that is poor Lars. It's better to be lucky than good. Ah, that lower-case pillock stevetherat claims that he sent out a big batch of turns last month, but that since no one seems to have received any, "something must be off with the email." Prat. He asked me to forward that he'll resend Real Soon Now. Thinks he can out-wait me, does he? Bastard. Speaking of which, I here announce of topplement of Croda. W00t! The useless wanker cowered in oblivion, took succor in other fora, and worshipped at the console of false games to avoid his inevitable spanking in our match (Hanns! I mean it! Down! You'll get Bauhaus all lathered up. Oh. Well, put a tarp down first.) As we await the joyful return of Lorak, let him scribe upon his re-appearance: Agua Perdido: Glorious win, with a bunch of points, the VLs, and many survivors. Croda: Ignominious (and smelly) defeat, with not-as-many-points-as-me, no VLs, and many fewer survivors (most of whom were panicked or worse). I think this match was supposed to prove somefink or other about paras or JasonC's book collection, but sod it if I can remember what. Which brings us back to Shaw. Where the Berli's my turn, old man? Your pace of play is beginning to resemble the pace of your troops. Find your own shtick. w00t! Agua Perdido

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: The wings stall independently and has led to much gnashing of teeth about high speed stalls in turns. Stalls, spins, flat spins {shudder}.<hr></blockquote> What the feck is this?! A, dare I say it, groggy post? About some Commie-loving game that isn't CMBB? In here? And from the Justicar! Heresy! Calumny! Blasphemy! Treason! I demand a trial! Or at least stenographers! UPDATES Joe Shaw, for his unrepentent air-grog airs, shall have no turn tonight. I was going to put jdmorse back at the bottom of my waiting list, but you've retained your position. I want you to think about you've done, young man. Remember, I'm not punishing you for your own good, I'm punishing you because you're a bad, bad person. jdmorse, after finally figuring out it was his turn, is flinging a human wave of elite parahamsters at my conscript Canuckleheads. Arty falling everywhere, dead Canadupes stacked up like cordwood, and at least 3 confirmed Axis casualties. Croda actually sent me a turn. We may finish our game by 2010. Lars is seeing if his Hetzer can pivot faster than my Hellcat can run. Did Hetzers have problems aiming to the right or to the left? I hope it was left. Other games with other folks, too (least among them, Seanachai), that I haven't gotten to. Happy hour approaches; must dash... Agua Perdido

Pillocks. I'm back, and I hope you all had terrible holidays, filled with stale fruitcakes, nasty in-laws, and hotel TV sets with no porn channels. My computers and their component parts are still scattered throughout the house, but I plan to assemble them Real Soon Now and start doing turns again. Why don't you all hold your breath until then? Agua Perdido

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lars: [ 12-19-2001: Message edited by: Lars ]<hr></blockquote> Dammit, Lars, stop talking to the cockroaches and send me a feckin' turn. (Yes, I know it's my turn.) Agua Perdido

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Berlichtingen: Two years older than before... 37<hr></blockquote> "...I'm 37." "What?" "I'm 37. I'm not old." "Well, I can't just call you, 'man'." "Listen, what I object to is you automatically treatin' me like an inferior." "Well, I am king!" "Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that? By exploiting the workers!"

Attention pillocks! Having recently embarked on aggressive acquisition of long-term, tax-advantaged debt (sorry, Berli, but now the bank gets first dibs on my soul) in exchange for the privelage of hanging drywall, stripping paint, and having my wife tell me for the 37th goddamn time in a row not to stack that box of books on top of that box of lamps, and why do I have so damned many wargames anyway, isn't it time I threw some of them away so we don't have to move them all and besides you never play any of them except that computer game with those crazy sewer-people from the Internet, and you don't even play that anymore you just open the turns and mutter about making the bastards wait if you can't make them pay and what do you think about Green Tea for the living room and Baltic Mist for the kitchen and I'm thinking how about some feckin' Islay Malt for my liver, and WHERE THE HELL IS THAT CONTRACTOR HE SAID HE'D BE HERE AN HOUR AGO, I find that my frequency of responding to turns has dropped--even for me. However, I still find time to hate each and every one of you as the deeply-bent, irredeemably-flawed, thoroughly nasty inDUHviduals you all are (each in your own not-particularly-special way). (Except for the SSNs, of course, whom I hate in a vague, perfunctory way as the undifferentiated pile of Agent-Orange-soaked compost and used styrofoam fast food containers they most resemble). With that in mind, here are some UPDATES! I hate that jdmorse. Rants and rants about my rate of turns, then disappears for two feckin' months, just as I've finally got him where I want him. Bastard. He ever returns that file, and I'll have him waiting until the next millenium. Speaking of bastards, stevetherat has also pulled a Whodini (I mean really, who listens to Whodini anymore?). The bastard was even making progress with his Guards Armored Division against my troop of Girl Scouten, although a quite a few of his lads seem to have bad bellyaches from too many Thin Mints. Continuing on the bastard theme, Seanachai seems to have pulled a Hamsters and bought a defending force consisting of two 81mm FOs and 130 TRPs. I would expect as much from an over-literate garden gnome. He's out there somewhere, and when I find him, I'll spit him on the ****tr hook and debrain him by the heels. Again. Speaking of heels, Joe Shaw's Kampfgruppe Kanada is plowing its way through the bocage at the pace of a rock--a rock screwed to the pavement with great iron bolts and then covered with concrete for good measure. It's a race against the clock, and the clock is winning (since my pathetic collection of ear-and-stomach-bridage-rejects (if only I had troops of so high a quality!) certainly can't do anything to stop him). Speaking of rejects, that leaves Lars. He's a gamey, flag-rushing bastard and whatever invisibility cheat he used to keep my tank from nailing his StuH last turn is only made worse by the fact that he purchased a Hetzer. Bastard. Agua Perdido

Once had a 'zook dashing for some unoccupied (I thought) woods, which turned out to be hiding a 50mm AT gun. The gun couldn't pivot fast enough to track the team (which was within 20m or so when the gun opened fire), and the zook's final waypoint was IN the gun's foxhole. It engaged the crew in hand-to-hand combat and inflicted a casualty (yes, by hand-to-hand combat--I guess luggin' them heavy rockets around is good exercise!). The next turn, the 'zook fired a rocket from 2m away and KOed the gun, then captured the surviving crew. Never hand another AT team get prisoners... Agua Perdido

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Iron Chef Sakai: i haven't figure out the shift key<hr></blockquote> I'm reminded of Gyrene's thoughtful reply to the tin cook on one of the tech support threads. Not terribly subtle, but probably more effort than the little pillock is worth. Agua Perdido [Edited to waste more effort than it was worth.] [ 12-17-2001: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]</p>

33. However, the actor who plays me on television looks much younger.

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Croda: I have couple and am looking for guinea pigs. Croda out<hr></blockquote> Hrm. Well, you might want to ask Mace about that, although I don't know if his purview extends to rodents. In the meantime, SEND ME A FECKIN' TURN so I can finish stomping your worthless fallschirmgits. I still have the game saved somewhere and I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! I haven't forgotten what you did to my ottoman, you twisted, naugahyde-fetishizing, thoroughly unwholesome end-table-fondler. In the name of Ray and Charles Eames, I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! (Bauhaus, put down that Blu Dot catalog! Yes, the 2D/3D series is sort of "pop-up," but that's not what--oh, alright, but wash those movers' pads when you're done.) Agua Perdido

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Croda: W00t!<hr></blockquote> Send me a feckin' turn, you brainless prat.

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: Do we disparage Agua Perdido BECAUSE of the paucity of his posts?<hr></blockquote> No, you doddering old git, we disparage me because of the paucity of my turns, in both the frequency of their arrival and the skill contained therein. Do you have any idea how much effort it takes for me to not play CM as much as I don't? Obviously not, as someone who returns moves on occasion, and is clearly guilty of plotting the activities of the pixelated warriors within. What of our game, eh? In our most recent flailing with Berli's little tragi-comedy, your squads of crack Canuckleheads dash from cover to cover, looking to achieve local fire superiority over my pack of trembling Cub Scouts, as the Shermans of Doom creep up to provide DF HE after the infantry has cleared the lanes. You even use smoke, you gamey bastard. And what have I done? I hold on to each turn for at least two weeks before ordering my troops to run around in circles, going, "nik-nik-nik-nik-nik." The paucity of my posting here is a brilliant stealth taunt that displays the depths of my loathing for you for all to see. Was your sponsorship of me as a squire misguided? Am I just a fly-by-night Cesspool punter? Feeling the little nigglings of doubt as to your true ability as Drain Commissioner when I slack off like some of the lesser agglomerations of absent floaty bits [COUGHCrodaCOUGH]? Was the whole thing a waste, leaving you only a Lear-esque torment of filial ingratitude? I hope so. Now, send me my feckin' turn so I can get busy not returning it. That goes for you, too, jdmorse, AND you, stevethe-horrible-smelly-little-rat-faced-git. Agua Perdido [Edited to go, "nik-nik-nik-nik-nik," which is what you have to do if you want to get anything done in this country...] [ 12-11-2001: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]</p>

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sarge Saunders: Question is why is my global morale going down? Started the game at 96% and now is down to 83%. I have not taken all VLs yet (there are 2 large and 2 small).<hr></blockquote> If you don't have any casualties (the main cause of lowered morale), do you have any split squads? That lowers global morale (since half-squads are more jittery than full squads). Agua Perdido

That reminds me, I have to call the trash-haulers... if only I had me a passle of wives to take the old carpet to the dump... Agua Perdido

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by jd: Excite.com is R.I.P. and so is my old email, the new onefor those of you whose destruction is to continue it's now jdmorse@attbi.com Carry on now<hr></blockquote> Send me a feckin' turn, you sandbagging old hag. <blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Original posted by Joe Shaw: It was, I believe, my former squire Agua Perdido who added the caveat to the above: " ... and half a goddamned brain."<hr></blockquote> Now, much as I would love to take credit for someone else's hard work and/or inspiration and/or plagiarism, I will. That was my idea. Seanachai never mentioned anything like that phrase before I started using it as a .sig (unattributed, of course, because I thought it up!). That prating, pointy-hat-wearing old punter had nothing to do with it. As I recall, he was off with his Keebler brethren committing unspeakable acts against E.L. Fudge (held prisoner in a hollow tree lo these many years to keep him quiet about the Truth that They don't want you to know... the cookies are just a smear campaign (especially when they've been sitting in the sun on the back seat of the car too long on the way home from 7-Eleven)). I suppose this explains why the game he set up is so heavily forested, and why my ecotruppen keep finding empty drums of vanillin... Your vile defense of artifical flavors and preservatives shall be your undoing, you tool of the corporate oppressor! Stock up on your Red-Die-A-Lot #5, Seanachai, it's Elf Kebabs for dinner tonight. Agua Perdido

I tell you, I'm fighting some real gamey bastards right now. Feckers bought termites AND powder-post beetles in the same scenario! I think they've even got the Ausf. H beetles with the HVSS thorax articulation and tungsten mandibles, which never made it past the prototype stage before the 101st Terminex Division airdropped on the Wolf's Lair and made a field-expendient fumigation tent with their parachutes. BTS, FIX IT OR DO SOMEFINK! Of course, the average wood-destroying pest (gamey bastard though he be) creates far more societal benefit than your average Cesspooler, and is both a better dinner companion (mmm... crunchy!) and a better CM player. At least the cockroaches seem to have subsided for now. Speaking of insects, time for UPDATES! Pick your damned jaws up off the ground. (And consider getting a new orthodontist.) I do play CM from time to time. Why, I bet I've played nearly a turn in all my games in the last month. jdmorse and stevetherat are game-delaying bastards. Where the feck are my turns? Copying my sitzkreig tactics, eh? Hoping I'll forget my plans? Well, it won't work--I never make any. I vaguely recall that the lawyertruppen are 'sploding real good, but shooting my hapless Canadians (apologies for the redundancy, there) even better. Speaking of Canadians, I'm enjoying a nice nature walk in my attack on Seanachai. So far, my legion of boy scouts have identified different kinds of berries and moss and several kinds of exploding squirrels. There are rumors of renegade forest rangers, but we won't let that interrupt the merit badges. Remember: "Leaves of 3 ain't good TP." Speaking of embarassing itches, Lars and I are rushing for the flags as fast as gamily possible. I hate MEs (but not as much as I hate Lars, the worthless pillock). Speaking of worthless pillocks, Joe Shaw is stumbling through the bocage with his gamey uber-woodsmen, evidently determined to starve my defenders into submission rather than attack. Gad, another 27 turns of this torture... Speaking of torture, Agua Perdido

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by AussieJeff: drivel<hr></blockquote> Hi, Matt.

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terence: The Greyhound has a machine gun. Try that.<hr></blockquote> Yeah, but it has a cannon main-gun armarment. That dog will hunt.

Let's not forget this Churchillian classic: Old Minister Lady Liberal Nazi Spy: You stink! Churchill: Hi, Mom!