Lars

Nice thread title, especially because it will kick in the dry heaves for Juardis when he reads it. Sires Shaw and MrSpkr, a ”Arty Fest ‘45” update. I have the second company of German reinforcements surrounded by a ring of artillery fire, due in about 12 seconds. A few 60mm mortars and MGs have decided to join in the fun and help pin the Krauts square in the center of the pattern. This second company should soon be fleeing off the map much like the first. Now on my side of the river, Juardis has caught one platoon in a bad spot and is shelling them. The rest of his artillery is going wide all over the place. I have three companies moving into strong positions (minus the one platoon). With this many units he’s bound to hit something sooner or later. It will probably be later. MrSpkr, please have a few strong words with your Squire concerning his wee little alcohol problem. He’s sending some pathetic collage football score along with the game file. I could give a raggedy rats rear end about schoolboys playing in the mud with a misshapen ball. At least he could have sent pics of the cheerleaders. Those I do care about. Since it will soon be Friday evening, I will now be returning to my own GREAT BIG alcohol problem. No turns for anybody tonight. P.S. Good luck Hiram, I’ll knock back a good shot for ya.

You’ll love it here dalem, we already sent out for more snow, just because we heard you were coming.

Justicar Joe, has a certain ring to it. What kind of car?

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace: No one likes a taddle-tale, but since you're a serf you're probably well used to being unliked (and scorned, and despised, etc etc etc) anyhow. Mace<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I’ve been upped to Squire, please increase your level of scorn accordingly. Thanks for your support.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: ... anyone who would blame it ON THE DOG is beneath contempt.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Quite Right, my Liege. As a great American once wrote, “Fart Proudly”. In other matters, Sire, have you noticed that two members of the Australian Government are now openly posting in the General Forum. There may be something to this conspiracy business, and it appears to be nearing its fulfillment. They are getting bolder. We need you back on the case, Sire.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Juardis: Blah, blah, blah.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You’re a better General than I thought, the old “intentionally allowing the enemy to kill your own troops” ploy. No wonder they are fleeing off of the map

Does anybody else know that old Johnny Cash tune ”Burning Ring of Fire”? Cuz Juardis soon will.

Oh lovely, MrSpkr, why don’t you just take CMplayer by the hand and plot his moves for him too. You did post a spoiler alert but we all know what that’s worth around here. idjit

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: Damn it Lars have you been hanging around Dame YK2's washline again? I've TOLD you about those filmy nothings you bring home on the pretext that they "dropped" and you were returning them and it's ... OH ... no lad, it's Braziers you see, the large wok like thingamabobs with the hot coals in them? The ones you have to keep stoking (not STROKING, stoking)? You ... you haven't been hanging around with Sir Bauhaus have you lad? He's a bad influence you know. On a different note, we need MORE AARs on the Arty Fest '45 battle. It sounds like you're pounding the snot out of Juardis, to be expected of course, you being a Senior Squire and, obviously, MY squire to boot ... no, no, lad no need to cringe like that I'm not putting the boot in, it's just an expression. But MORE AARs, we want the full descriptions. Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Hot Emma’s in the brasseries? Oh, hot embers in the braziers, my mistake. At once, Sire. I’ll just put these back on the line then, beg pardon, Dame Emma. My Liege, Juardis is sadly lacking in the (among others) file returning department. Perhaps tonight he will have comprehended the profundity of that modern marvel, e-mail, and I will have something to report. Thank you for sparing the Boot

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrSpkr: "A Long and Bloody Mile." Involves a company (-) of Canucks supported by about half-a-dozen tanks attacking what I think is a couple of weakened German companies, consisting mainly of conscript and green infantry. Map is long and narrow, with a village at one end, followed by some hedgerows and requisite wheatfields, then a small stream or river. Set in June 1944. Loads of fun, unless you are the Germans.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Or unless you are Gilligan.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> Originally posted by Gilligan (no bolding before it’s time): That sounds fair enough, Xia, so by way of getting with the program I'm posting, IN the CessPool, right now, and it's wafting in your general direction. Hear! YOUR GAMEY SQUIRE LARS has let some conscript, pimply-faced German teenager pop one of my AFVs in our match. Outrageous! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> That’s what pimply faced teenagers do, pop things. Is it my fault you don’t wash your Shermans regularly? <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> Doesn't he know that historically those faust-toting tots were only good for filling foxholes with fecal matter? Haven't you taught him this, being the guardian of tradition that you purport to be? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> That’s what they’re doing. Stuffing foxholes full of fecal matter, which would be YOU. Even green troops have enough training for that. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> If my sense of honor and duty [digging frantically through all his pockets...oh there it is] didn't prohibit take-backs, I would demand that our last turn be annulled and replayed. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You don’t have a sense of honor and duty, so quit playing in your pockets. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> At least I hope and pray Lars reads it here before seeing the movie, to make the kill go flat like a dead beer.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> *Gasp* You mention sacriligious things like flat BEER? Here? In the MBT? Is there is something wrong with you?. I hates you - lots. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> And there are some minor redeeming qualities to the movie...for example next time the outerboarders query Anyone have any success with flamethrowers on the attack??? I'll be there to tell them 'you betcha.' Hear that Lars? Two words: crispy....critters.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I didn’t think green troops would burn. BTW congrats on your unofficial elevation to Squire/Serf/Pissboy. You are eminently under-qualified for the position, whatever the position turns out to be. Now go get the piss bucket and put those troops out. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> A few turns ago, my armor got all lined up and pounded his guys for about a turn and a half. I mean it was get-the-headphones time, turn on high res smoke/explosions and enjoy. Sancho's guys are broken and running and finally, in a lull I hear a pathetic little German voice warble out of the smoke, fire and dust 'Da! Feindisher Panzer!' The realization dawned on that guy just a wee bit late 'fyask me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Much like realization dawns on PanzerLeader himself. I see he still hasn’t mastered (or even conceived of) the use of a smokescreen to cover his troops. Pity. At least he has the “RUN AWAY” part down pat. Pray continue. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> Originally posted by Torquemada Joe: LARS, oh LARS warm up the braziers lad<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> My Liege Shaw, do you still want the brassieres stroked? I’m always ready (and I mean really, really ready in this case) to serve. {edited due to the usual UBB screwups} [ 09-05-2001: Message edited by: Lars ]

Juardis, if you have time to post here making monkey noises, you have time to send a turn. Now hurry up or I’ll shell the banana plantation.

Sorry, Juardis, I did not realize you were married. If I had known I would have understood why you have nothing better to do on a Friday, or any other day for that matter. Your one unbroken squad in Arty Fest ‘45” is only a temporary situation as I have taken steps to remove them from the face of the earth. Did you notice that I have received reinforcements? Your chances of hitting something have just doubled. And did you also notice that there are American Flags popping up on your side of the river? Awfully nice of the Germans to help celebrate Labor Day. Now go pester your Kannigit and find out when you are getting reinforcements because I’m out of targets.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Geier: Lars - Win Geier - Loss <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Hmmm, a win for the excellent job I did in the setup, seems fair to me, the rest was just a matter of time anyway. Next time though Geier, I demand that we at least get to hit the “GO” button.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Juardis: [QB]And now, an update withLars. NOTHING [QB]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I’m so sorry you have nothing better to do with your undoubtably worthless life but sit by your computer on a Friday night and wait for e-mail files. So sad. You know, if you went off line, you might get a date. I, on the other hand, spend Friday nights in one of my favorite activities, Drinking and Carousing. OK, two of my favorite activities. As soon as the drain bramage pills kick in I shall process your turn and send it to you. I hope I don’t interupt your Saturday morning cartoons.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> Originally posted by Juardis: OH, and by the way, if Jabo is anywhere near as sadistic, merciless, horrifying, tactless, blah, blah, blah, as ArtyFest 1945,<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Hmm, not sure yet. Haven’t fully delved the artistic possibilities here. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> then there is no way in 4377 that I'm going...well, no way in the worl...uhmmm, well....Sure, I'll play it. You challenging me Lars or do I have to find someone else? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You could challenge poopoowiper4/2…

Ah, poopoowerfer, the subltety of the taunt is wasted on you.

Care for a game of "Jabo!, Juardis?

I just sent it, you pillock!

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Stalin's Organ: Ha ha ha - it would have been better if you had actually fired a shot with them too!! Half a battery of mortars with a company HQ to spot for them and Lardo uses exactly 0 rounds!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> If you had given me a target I could have done something with them. Unfortunately, you killed everything off by marching them in front of a machinegun nest and two tanks before I could get them lined up. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I reckon the gamey bastiche knew he wasn't any good and had his excuses planned out in advance!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well of course I did. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>He fails to mention that we were also drawn in the Tanks Bogged stakes: 1 each A/C's KO'd stakes: 3 each<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> What part of draw didn't you understand? <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>But he was well ahead in the Gamey last turn flag rush stakes: 1 of crews, AT teams and shot-up SMG squads to none![/QB]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Because I had something left to charge with and you didn't. And poopoowiper4/2, my machine says sent, but I shall wing it off your addled pate one more time.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CMplayer: Who, or should I say, what the feck are you, oh 'Marlow'? Is that a contraction of 'Marshmallow'? Or are you a relative of your namesake, Marlowe: Steamboat Willie of the Congo? Or are you just something inrupted by dyspepsia into my afternoon nap?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> SSN's are so cute before their eyes open.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> Originally spewed by Gilligan: I don't have time for you cheap gamey bastiches now that a REAL TOURNEMENT, with REAL CMPLAYERS is coming up! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Which would make you a what… fake CD Player? CD Duplicator? Record player? Eight track?

And now for some Game Updates: Geier: Has gone missing. The turn is in your other mailbox, Geier, really. Juardis: ”Arty Fest ‘45” is underway. Not much to report after the first turn. Except that even with a TRP Juardis can make rockets land on his side of the river. Buzzbuzzbuzz: Still is down the hill stepping on landmines and shooting broken pillbox crews. Someday he will realize the victory flags are on top of the hill in “Crodaburg”. Stinky Winky: Is up on top of the hill, I hates him. But, this is a good thing, as we can now push him off. Gilligan: Has walked into the first of many ambushes. He has advanced about 80 feet in ”A Long and Bloody Mile”. Only 5200 feet to go, Gilligan! As regards to the photo, Gilligan, it certianly isn’t beer foam. No right thinking Dane would let alcohol go to waste like that. As MrSpkr said, it could be soap, which is why you didn’t recognize it. Poopoowiper4/2: Sent one more turn in ”Jabo!” after a month long hiatus. The carnage must have been to much for his fragile ego as he hasn’t been heard from since. And it’s artful carnage too, certianly more artfull than "Crodaburg". And finally, Lorak, oh Lorak! Please scribe thusly in the Tome of Shame. Lars – A feckin, stinkin, humiliating DRAW! Stalin’s Organ – A grateful, satisfying, relieved, DRAW! In my defense I must point out that this was a night battle, visibilty was 96 meters, and the damn computer gave me three 81mm mortars and a feckin mortar halftrack. Of course, mine survived the battle, but I wish I had had them all shot like Stinky managed to do with his six mortar teams, I would feel better. In other news, I just heard on the radio that all school children in France must now carry “bully” insurance. It’s only a matter of time before German exchange students drive premiums through the roof.

A mortar carrier...at night...with 96 meter visibility.

They can fire blind on a TRP if they haven't moved from their setup location.