Other Means Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/columnists/miles-kington/high-court-hangups-747313.html A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment in which a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000 coat hangers from hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in his defence he claims that – well, perhaps it would be simpler just to bring you a brief extract from the trial. We join the case at the point where Chrysler has just taken the stand. A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment in which a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000 coat hangers from hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in his defence he claims that – well, perhaps it would be simpler just to bring you a brief extract from the trial. We join the case at the point where Chrysler has just taken the stand: Counsel: What is your name? Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler. Counsel: Is that your own name? Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is? Counsel: I am just asking if it is your name. Chrysler: And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it? Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give a false name in court. Chrysler: Which court? Counsel: This court. Chrysler: What is the name of this court? Counsel: This is No 5 Court. Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court? Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is! Chrysler: Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name. Counsel: No, not really, you see because... Judge: Mr Lovelace? Counsel: Yes, m'lud? Judge: I think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try a new line of attack if I were you. Counsel: Thank you, m'lud. Chrysler: And thank you from ME, m'lud. It's nice to be appreciated. Judge: Shut up, witness. Chrysler: Willingly, m'lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you. For you, I would... Judge: Shut up, witness. Carry on, Mr Lovelace. Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler – for let us assume that that is your name – you are accused of purloining in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers. Chrysler: I am. Counsel: Can you explain how this came about? Chrysler: Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up. Counsel: Is that true? Chrysler: No. Counsel: Then why did you say it? Chrysler: To attempt to throw you off balance. Counsel: Off balance? Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a hostile barrister. Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me. You are only here to answer my questions. Chrysler: Was that a question? Counsel: No. Chrysler: Then I can't answer it. Judge: Come on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the run-around here. You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the English bar, I hope you can. Counsel: Yes, m'lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers? Chrysler: Is that a question? Counsel: Yes. Chrysler: It doesn't sound like one. It sounds like a proposition which doesn't believe in itself. You know – "Perhaps I will describe the reason I had to steal 40,000 coat hangers... Perhaps I won't... Perhaps I'll sing a little song instead..." Judge: In fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question. Where you and I would say, "Where were you on Tuesday?", they are more likely to say, "Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise whereabouts on the day after that Monday?". It isn't, strictly, a question, and it is not graceful English but you must pretend that it is a question and then answer it, otherwise we will be here for ever. Do you understand? Chrysler: Yes, m'lud. Judge: Carry on, Mr Lovelace. Counsel: Mr Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing as you must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes? Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to take nothing but hotel coat hangers. Sensation in court. More of this tomorrow, I hope Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler, am I right in saying that hotel clothes hangers do not have hooks on top but little studs that will only work on special racks? Chrysler: That is correct. Counsel: This design arose because so many hotel hangers were Chrysler: That is correct. Counsel: And they had no option but to change the design to stop them being stolen? Chrysler: That is not correct. Counsel: That is not correct? Chrysler: No. The world of hotels had not one, but two options. They could change the design of the way they were hung, yes, but they could also cheapen the hangers. They could very easily have given guests inexpensive plastic or metal hangers they would never have missed when they were stolen. But that would have lowered the tone of the hotel. Hotels, even hotels in a chain, like to have a touch of class. They like giving guests high-class solid wood hangers. It makes them feel good about themselves. It also makes them worth stealing. Counsel: And people come to you, do they, asking you to make special wardrobes so that they can use stolen clothes hangers? Chrysler: It isn't so much the fact that they are stolen that makes them attractive. You have to remember that many top businessmen spend more of their time in hotels than in their own home. They become used to hotel life. They think of hotels as home. Therefore they become used to hotel hangers and think of them as normal, and on the rare occasions when they spend some time at home they can't stand these fiddly things with hooks which you and I may think of as normal but which the business traveller thinks of as loose-fitting and badly designed. So they come to me and get me to make a hotel-style wardrobe. Counsel: Are you seriously suggesting that there are people who prefer hotel life to home life? Chrysler: Certainly. A lot of businessmen would never go home if they had the chance. So when they get home they like to recreate the hotel experience in their own house. Many of my clients have their own mini-bars in their bedrooms. They have TV sets at the end of the bed on a raised shelf, often with an adult sex channel on it. All their bathroom products come in wrappers and are thrown away each day. I have even known people in their own home put out "Do Not Disturb" notices on the door of their own bedroom. Counsel: Stolen, presumably, from some hapless hotel. Chrysler: Never call a hotel hapless. They know what they are doing. No hotel loses money willingly. They may have things taken from them, but the stuff that guests leave behind is just as valuable. Counsel: Are you serious when you say that clients of yours drink from their own minibars in their own bedrooms in their own homes? Chrysler: Certainly. And just as in a hotel, they grumble about the price and size of the bottles, and the absence of ice. Counsel: So why don't they get a proper fridge in their bedroom? Chrysler : Because then it wouldn't be like a hotel. Judge: Tell me, Mr Chrysler, do these businessmen of yours also have Gideon Bibles by their bedside at home? Chrysler: Many of them, sir. Judge: And where do you get the Gideon Bibles from? Chrysler: Alas, they, too, have to be taken from hotels. Judge: Then why are you not also up on a charge of Bible-stealing? Chrysler: Because the Bibles do not belong to the hotels. They belong to the Gideon Society. And the Gideon Society has decided not to prosecute me, but to forgive me and tell me to go and sin no more. Judge: And have you sinned no more? Chrysler: Alas, no. This case continues, though not in this column. Those who are interested in a hotel ambiance for your home should contact Arthur Chrysler's World of Hotel Decor. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Emrys Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 That's hilarious. I find it hard to imagine an American judge speaking like that, though I suppose that here and there one might. Really wonderful. I hope the guy doesn't have to do any hard time. Michael 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Kettler Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Other Means, Brilliant, stellar, and other superlatives! Really needed the laugh, too. Regards, John Kettler 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adultery Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 That's hilarious. I find it hard to imagine an American judge speaking like that, though I suppose that here and there one might. Really wonderful. I hope the guy doesn't have to do any hard time. Michael the "my lord"...suggest its in the UK....and the fact the website addy is in the UK kinda backs it up as well interesting that you would think its a funny sounding american judge rather than from overseas 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orwell Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Where'd you get the part of it not linked in the article? Is the whole transcript posted somewhere? This stuff is hiliarious. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonS Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miles_Kington Miles Beresford Kington (13 May 1941 – 30 January 2008) was a British journalist, musician (a double bass player for Instant Sunshine and other groups) and broadcaster. ... He wrote a humorous column for the British newspaper The Independent, which he joined in 1987 after six years at The Times. He also wrote a similar column for The Oldie. Regular topics for his columns included * The answers to a Christmas quiz that was never printed * Fictional court reporting * Jazz * Motorway Ballads * Proceedings of the United Deities * Spot the fictional news story * Things for which there is no word * "Albanian Proverbs" which appear profound at first glance, but are actually meaningless * Letters concerning a recently deceased celebrity's supposed love of cricket BTW, adultery, I believe Emrys well knows this is from the UK. That is the provenance of his comments - he'd like to see that kind of dialogue from judges in the US, but believes that is, alas, highly unlikely. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orwell Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Hardly surprising. I'm just curious as to whether there's more. The initial article contains only part of what was posted, so I'm guessing either he's embellished himself, or there's more. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonS Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 No, the second article is linked from the first. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Smith Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Brian O'Nolan (also known as Flann O'Brien), in the guise of Myles na gCopaleen, used to write hilarious fictional reporting for the Irish Times, of this ilk, around WW2. You can find his stuff gathered together in a book called Further Cuttings from Cruiskeen Lawn (the name of the column in the Irish Times). He did some funny courtroom stuff too if I recall - the line in Other Means' post about "sensation in court" immediately reminded me of Myles. smith smith 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Emrys Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 the "my lord"...suggest its in the UK....and the fact the website addy is in the UK kinda backs it up as well interesting that you would think its a funny sounding american judge rather than from overseas I never thought that or meant to imply it. Yes, it was clearly obvious that it was an British court and judge. I mentioned American judges in order to contrast their behavior. Got it now? Michael 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Emrys Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miles_Kington BTW, adultery, I believe Emrys well knows this is from the UK. That is the provenance of his comments - he'd like to see that kind of dialogue from judges in the US, but believes that is, alas, highly unlikely. Got it in one! Michael 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SgtMuhammed Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Emrys, though, might be having flashbacks to when the US WAS English. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Emrys Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Emrys, though, might be having flashbacks to when the US WAS English. You mean it isn't still? And here I was about to send Her Majesty an invitation to tea... Michael 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adultery Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 i was never the sharpest sandwich in the drawer 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Emrys Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 i was never the sharpest sandwich in the drawer There now, just add a slice of aged cheddar and it should all come right. At least if it doesn't also contain sardines. If it has sardines, it's beyond redemption. Michael 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Kettler Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Alec Kington will be missed! Funeral details at link. http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/iindependenti-humourist-kington-has-the-last-laugh-854329.html Michael Emrys, What about kippers? Very English you know! BTW, I once won a gross out contest in which a friend and I took turns naming disgusting food combinations. When I came up with the inspired, diabolical grouping of kipper snacks and orange juice, he turned green and retired from the battle. Regards, John Kettler 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pak_43 Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Miles Kington, his slightly better known namesake will also be sadly missed... Come *ON* John, if your going to mourn someone at least get their name right... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Other Means Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 Kippers with a fried egg and single cream is very nice. Especially with cous-cous. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Kettler Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Pak_43, Fair cop! Looks like conflation strikes again. Grr! Now, shall we talk about your spelling and punctuation in your comeuppance of me? Regards, John Kettler 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pak_43 Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Feel free to do that John, and the moment I set myself up as an expert on the subject you'll have made a point... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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