Seanachai the Headless Peng Challenger

[stoat]

Originally posted by Boo Radley:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by stoat:

That's the falsest statement I've heard in the last 45 minutes, ya nancy.

Really? Well, here's one that leaves that laying in the dust:

You're intellegent, good looking and we all respect you very, very much!</font>

[stoat]

This just in: Gnomish man in battering ram equipped kayak collapses Minneapolis bridge, runs naked into woods. Details at 11.

[rleete]

Is this thing on? *taps microphone*

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Yup. Properly adjusted to the best of the abilities of the Auxilliary Backup Deputy Justiciar (A.V. dept.) of the Peng Challenge Thread.

Ahem. I have an announcement:

To wit, one squire of long standing in the MBT (long may she wave). Said squire has served admirably. Although a bit short on the taunting and verbal castigation of opponents (I taught to kick 'em when they're down, it's the cesspool way), he has nonetheless demonstrated ample staying power.

I do believe, from his general performance here that he shows the necessary dry wit. It warms the heart to see such callous cynicism at such a young age. Also, on that other board, he has often seen holding his ground against our very own foul-mouthed feline, Kitty as Mace can attest to (Testify, brother!). And finally, in a fine display of verbally trouncing the dimwitted (broom$slag on the outreboards) he has defended the honor of the cess. As he is the grandsquire of Seanachai, it is only fitting that he do battle with ignorant tossers on the outside.

Therefore, it is my pleasure to submit stoat for your approval as the newest Knaggit of the Cesspool. What say you?

[Michael Dorosh]

http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=52;t=002136;p=5#000105

Joe Shaw's honour has been besmirched.

Eh. Who cares, really?

[Seanachai]

Weird. A friend and I met tonight for dinner and drinks, and we were going to go up by the Seven corners neighbourhood. But then, at the last minute, she calls and says 'let's go to some place more over by you'. So we went to Cafe Barbette. Spent a ****load of money, but had a great time. It was Lugnasad, so I convinced her, in keeping with the Celtic Holiday, that we should make a 'trial handfast', whereby we would be considered married for a year and a day, and if we decided it wasn't working, we could call it off.

She drank of my wine, and took my hand, and I put a wreath of flowers upon her head, and we danced, and afterwards I told her that, according to the marriage ceremony of the Triumph Moon settles and the ancient Celts, we were now made one flesh, for a year and a day.

And then she drove me home, and went to tell her boyfriend, my buddy Andy, that we would have to get together for some discussions on how to handle our new status.

And when I got home, there was half a dozen messages from friends saying 'Please call me right away and let me know you're okay!'

Well, of course I did have a glass of port with dessert, and my health isn't what it once was, but I thought it a bit odd.

So I called my friend Jen, the mother of Small Emma, and she told me 'Thank God you're all right!'

So it turns out the 35W bridge over the Mississippi suddenly collapsed tonight. This is a MAJOR freaking bridge and roadway through Minneapolis. It is right where my friend and I were going to go for dinner and drinks. I made damn good time from work, so if I'd been going up there instead of where we met, I might well have been there around the wrong time. Certainly she would have been.

It just goes to show you.

A man who is destined to die while watching everyone else being hung is never going to die by drowning.

[Seanachai]

Oh, and Lars. I noticed there was no phone call from you, you bastard.

What is it, boy? Are you angry with me for some reason, or do you figure that if I kack you'll be allowed to keep my copy of the first season of 'Rome'?

You won't, you know. My Operatives will retrieve it from you.

And some of them...are Dalem.

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Michael Dorosh:

http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=52;t=002136;p=5#000105

Joe Shaw's honour has been besmirched.

Eh. Who cares, really?

I've drunk with Shaw, had him in my home, fed him my lamb stew, picked up the goddamn silverware the halfwit dumped all over my kitchen floor, exchanged emails that ranged from 'agonized weirdness' to 'humourous weirdness' with him, played games against the man, wondered about his mental stability and emotional health while reassuring him that if I was ever going to kill anybody, he'd only be there to hold the bone saws and cinch up the closures on the garbage bags.

When I 'hate' Joe Shaw, I hate the man, himself. I hate him with a purity and an understanding that is never going to be realized by a lot of tetchy arseholes on the Outerboards. Most of whom aren't fit to pour the piss out Shaw's boots, and who could only benefit by drinking the piss out of mine.

That said, I wish that the busy round of being fecked by the Universe would allow me to journey to Utah so that I might spend a week or two suddenly popping up in unexpected places and whacking Joe with a baseball bat.

Not hard enough to break bones, you know. Just hard enough so that he'd know he'd been kissed.

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Michael Dorosh:

http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=52;t=002136;p=5#000105

Joe Shaw's honour has been besmirched.

Eh. Who cares, really?

I've drunk with Shaw, had him in my home, fed him my lamb stew, picked up the goddamn silverware the halfwit dumped all over my kitchen floor, exchanged emails that ranged from 'agonized weirdness' to 'humourous weirdness' with him, played games against the man, wondered about his mental stability and emotional health while reassuring him that if I was ever going to kill anybody, he'd only be there to hold the bone saws and cinch up the closures on the garbage bags.

When I 'hate' Joe Shaw, I hate the man, himself. I hate him with a purity and an understanding that is never going to be realized by a lot of tetchy arseholes on the Outerboards. Most of whom aren't fit to pour the piss out Shaw's boots, and aren't who could only benefit by drinking the piss out of mine.

That said, I wish that the busy round of being fecked by the Universe would allow me to journey to Utah so that I might spend a week or two suddenly popping up in unexpected places and whacking Joe with a baseball bat.

Not hard enough to break bones, you know. Just hard enough so that he'd know he'd been kissed. </font>

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by rleete:

Is this thing on? *taps microphone*

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Yup. Properly adjusted to the best of the abilities of the Auxilliary Backup Deputy Justiciar (A.V. dept.) of the Peng Challenge Thread.

Ahem. I have an announcement:

To wit, one squire of long standing in the MBT (long may she wave). Said squire has served admirably. Although a bit short on the taunting and verbal castigation of opponents (I taught to kick 'em when they're down, it's the cesspool way), he has nonetheless demonstrated ample staying power.

I do believe, from his general performance here that he shows the necessary dry wit. It warms the heart to see such callous cynicism at such a young age. Also, on that other board, he has often seen holding his ground against our very own foul-mouthed feline, Kitty as Mace can attest to (Testify, brother!). And finally, in a fine display of verbally trouncing the dimwitted (broom$slag on the outreboards) he has defended the honor of the cess. As he is the grandsquire of Seanachai, it is only fitting that he do battle with ignorant tossers on the outside.

Therefore, it is my pleasure to submit stoat for your approval as the newest Knaggit of the Cesspool. What say you?

Thank you for calling the Offices of the Justicariate of the Peng Challenge Thread. If you're hearing this message over your telephone as opposed to the voices in your head, it means that you've reached us outside of our normal business hours.

What ARE those hours you ask? Wouldn't you just like to KNOW!

Please leave your message at the sound of the beep and if Boo Radley has remembered to take his medication it may, perhaps, be retrieved and acted upon ... or not.

BEEEEeeeepppp

Joe

[Seanachai]

Just so people know, the loss of life, so far as we know right now, still seems to be unusually small. But this is a major road, and a major commuting route, through the Twin Cities. There are frantic phone calls being made all over town, tonight, to make sure friends and family are all right.

For anyone who lives in the Twin Cities, anyone they know could have been on that bridge. In town, they actually asked people to refrain from using their cell phones so as to not interfere with Emergency Response and police and fire units.

The only reason, frankly, that the death toll seems to be as low as it is, is that because the bridge was being worked on traffic was slow; a lot of traffic that would have otherwise been on the bridge was elsewhere.

Otherwise the death toll might well be in the dozens, or more, rather than the 6 that were 'known' when I got home...

[Seanachai]

Dalem:

Good tea. Nice Thread.

[Michael Dorosh]

That's quite the bullet to dodge. Are you going to forgo buying lottery tickets this month? Or will this prompt you to double up?

[dalem]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Dalem:

Good tea. Nice Thread.

Yeah. Holy crazzapy. The majorist bridge in town looks like a giant stick of gum laid scross the water in pieces.

Still kickin', Seanachai, still kickin'.

[Seanachai]

Well, well. My very good friend, Small Emma, turned 4 yesterday.

We had lunch. Her Mom drove out to my workplace (fecking Eden Prairie, which, after Woodbury, is the place most likely in Minnesota to harbour the local Hellmouth), and we went to a family restaurant nearby. So now I will tell you the Tale of Small Emma Who Is Four (But Only When She Goes to Bed).

I have now known Small Emma for Four Years. That is a significant period for me, and a lifetime to her. At this juncture, it is time for us all to reflect.

At the end of Four Years, I have become the 'voice' for a soft toy dog, a knock-off Barbie, and innumerable inanimate objects that my small, animist friend has decided should be part of our round of play.

I have fought pirates, monsters, Medusa, spiders, snakes, sharks, broken robots, ladybugs and squirrels. I have tried to throw leaves back up onto the trees because they needed to 'go home'. I have removed something on the order of four dozen insects from all sorts of places because 'they should not be there', all without actually killing the damn things. At least not while anyone was looking. A certain number of ants, spiders and other inconvenient bugs aren't ever going to be joyfully welcomed home, because no one was watching when I 'sent them home to be with their family and friends'.

I have learned to be the perfect, parfait minion. I have learned to tread that treacherous line between being the large, thuggish henchman of an imperious child, while supporting her Mom on 'issues of importance'. I have agonized over issues of ethics and morality in situations where my normal instinct would have been to put my underwear on my head and laugh at people who wondered why my pants were down around my ankles.

I have learned that anything I say is heard. And while that normally would gratify me, it is damn hard to leap straight up into the air and disappear when a small, sweet voice is repeating over and over 'Jesus Christ, Mommy, how are you going to get all that stuff in there?' or 'Holy crap, isn't there any more rum?'

I have had to deal with Henchman's Blame. Such as when, her father having told her that she can't play outside, she tells him 'Daddy, you're a Loser!', and then tells her Dad, when questioned sternly about it: 'that's what Grandma Steve says'.

As God is my witness, I never in my entire life have called her Dad a loser. I have, quite possibly, called any number of other people 'losers' while she was, well, near by, but how was I to know that she would be able to put the insult into operation under other circumstances?

Children make you realize how stupid you are.

She is only four. But when we had lunch the other day, and I told her 'Emma, today you are four!' she said 'Yes, I am. But not until I go to bed.'

Because, you see, she knew that her mother had told her she was born at 11 PM. And so, she wouldn't actually be four until after she'd gone to bed that night.

Frankly, most of you lot still aren't capable of that level of reasoning.

And she is becoming more wild. When we left the family restaurant, after lunch, she wanted to run across the parking lot to the car. But she knew that she had to hold someone's hand when she was out where cars were. And my goddamn heart is in my throat, when she runs where there are cars. But she took my hand, and shouted, 'Come, my bird!'

And we ran across the parking lot, me looking frantically for cars in all directions, running bent over like a big freaking goof, holding her hand, going 'Yes, my princess! Caw, caw!'

The other day, she didn't want to eat any more dinner. And her Mom told her, 'Emma, you have to eat all your pasta'.

And she stuck out her chin, and rounded on her Mom, and gave her 'the combative look of you're not the boss of me'.

I have known her Mom for something like 12 years, now. Even dead drunk, I would NOT give her Mom that look. I'm a quiet, gentle, peaceful man. I do NOT leap from a tree onto the back of a tigress and shout 'yee-haa!'

And her Mom tells her: Emma! Don't you give me that look! Are you giving me that look?! You stop giving your mother that look right now!

(Imagine, if you can, a Sergeant Major shouting 'Are you eye-balling me, recruit!')

And Emma, who learned the damn look from her Mom, realizes that she's about to get into trouble. But she doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know how to 'stop giving someone that look', because she doesn't know what 'that look' is. She's doing it, but, as God is her witness, she doesn't know how to 'stop' it.

Enter Henchman Grandma Steve, who is sitting beside her, with indrawn breath, who can only think to whisper 'Emma, smile, honey!' The only way to dispense with the look that you're doing instinctively is to replace it with something you know how to do, up front.

It's pretty damn cute, from the side-lines, to watch a wee bonny tyke glare angrily at her Mom, who is returning her pugnacious look with interest, and think 'Wow! stubborn person stands face to face with stubborn person, and one shock of recognition runs the whole circle round!'

But I need her to stop eye-balling her Mom, or neither one of us is going to get a lemon popsicle...

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Michael Dorosh:

That's quite the bullet to dodge. Are you going to forgo buying lottery tickets this month? Or will this prompt you to double up?

I will do what any man would do, who has suddenly been confronted with the fact that simple coincidence has spared him.

I'm going to go play 'Barbies' tomorrow night. My Barbie will have a lot of cynical, ironical things to say. At some point, one of her legs will fall off. Everyone will look askance while I work 'under the glittery dress' to make things aright.

Actually, I rather enjoy that part. Reminds me of when I was a young man. Well, not the 'leg falling off' bit. More the 'fumbling around under the glittery dress' part.

But, as Denny Crane knows, there's nothing like a one-legged woman...

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by dalem:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Seanachai:

Dalem:

Good tea. Nice Thread.

Yeah. Holy crazzapy. The majorist bridge in town looks like a giant stick of gum laid scross the water in pieces.

Still kickin', Seanachai, still kickin'. </font>

[Seanachai]

Who's for a jolly singsong, then, eh?

When your mother sends back all your invitations

And your father to your sister he explains

That you're tired of yourself and all of your creations

Won't you come see me, Queen Jane?

Won't you come see me, Queen Jane?

Now when all of the flower ladies want back what they have lent you

And the smell of their roses does not remain

And all of your children start to resent you

Won't you come see me, Queen Jane?

Won't you come see me, Queen Jane?

Now when all the clowns that you have commissioned

Have died in battle or in vain

And you're sick of all this repetition

Won't you come see me, Queen Jane?

Won't you come see me, Queen Jane?

When all of your advisers heave their plastic

At your feet to convince you of your pain

Trying to prove that your conclusions should be more drastic

Won't you come see me, Queen Jane?

Won't you come see me, Queen Jane?

Now when all the bandits that you turned your other cheek to

All lay down their bandanas and complain

And you want somebody you don't have to speak to

Won't you come see me, Queen Jane?

Won't you come see me, Queen Jane?

Queen Jane Approximately

-Bob Dylan

[Seanachai]

Dalem. Canada. August 23-26. Tell your Evil Masters that you will be gone. Looks like my 'handfast maiden' and her boyfriend will be going up. Talk to the dog-sitters.

Dogs fecked the Pope, no fault of mine...I think I'm losing a button on my trousers...you wouldn't want my trousers to fall down, would you? Bang! goes another kanga on the bonnet of the van...It's Sharky's Day!

[Seanachai]

There were four references at the end of that last post. I'll make the first person who can identify them all to me in an email a Senior Knight of the Peng Challenge Thread.

[dalem]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Children make you realize how stupid you are.

To be fair, a grasshopper with a mouthful of beetle dung would make you realize how stupid you are.

A four-year-old is just overkill.

[dalem]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

More the 'fumbling around under the glittery dress' part.

Just do what Old Joe has learnt - always check for the Adam's Apple.

[dalem]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

There were four references at the end of that last post. I'll make the first person who can identify them all to me in an email a Senior Knight of the Peng Challenge Thread.

I only got two. One is loud in bed and the other caught the language virus. I can only assume the other two are gay porn related and as such will have to wait for Papa Khann's input.

[Stuka]

I figured it was all gay porn?!?

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

That said, I wish that the busy round of being fecked by the Universe would allow me to journey to Utah so that I might spend a week or two suddenly popping up in unexpected places and whacking Joe with a baseball bat.

Not hard enough to break bones, you know. Just hard enough so that he'd know he'd been kissed.

I've found that plastic wiffle ball bats are wonderful for this purpose. They won't break bones and rarely ever break the skin, but you can REALLY wind up and let fly with them and they leave great big welts.

It's something I picked up at a Thuggish Henchman seminar.

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

There were four references at the end of that last post. I'll make the first person who can identify them all to me in an email a Senior Knight of the Peng Challenge Thread.

Which Peng and I will veto immediately