The Sanitized and Recuperated Thread of MGA's Cheesy Waffle

[_Axe_]

Barrie - Investigators are still trying to piece together the chain of events that started as a barbecue in a quiet suburban neighborhood and ended in the destruction of an entire city block.

All that was left Saturday evening was a smoking pile of ruins with blackened timbers poking skyward and jumbled masses of cracked bricks.

"We received the first 911 call at about 7:15 p.m.," said Ontario Provincial Police Constable Eric Allen. "It was definitely not the last call."

As explosion after explosion rocked the neighborhood, more and more frantic calls flooded the 911 dispatch centre.

"I've been doing this awhile and I've never seen anything close to the destruction I see here before me," Allen said.

John Franklin, who lived a couple of houses down from the one the barbecue was held at, identified the occupants as Jason and Paula Ballantyne, although police would not confirm this.

"He seemed like a nice enough guy, but he was a little strange," Franklin said of his neighbor. "All he talked about was the Combat Mission game. Sometimes I'd see him sitting in his Mazda, creeping forward slowly yelling, Hull down!! Whoo hoo!!' What the hell that means, I have no idea. I did get the sense his wife was a long-suffering soul."

Franklin said Ballantyne told him a few days ago he was excited because "The Brood" -apparently a group of his friends - were coming for a barbecue.

"When he said they all played the same 'combat simulator' I said, 'You mean you all play the same computer game?' he got very upset. He yelled, 'It's not a game maggot!' and stomped off.'

Tracking travel records from Pearson International Airport in Toronto, police believe the first to arrive at the party was a Dave Hutchens, from Indiana.

"He seemed nice," Franklin said. "He stopped at my house looking for directions. He was very polite and had brought a gift for the Ballantynes. I think it was a calculator, protractor and compass set. He said he was very fond of math. He even offered to analyze my household budget, but I declined."

Police believe the next to arrive at the house were two men from England - Russel Long and Christian Dames who,according to police, go by the aliases Soddball and Edward Windsor.

"We're working with Scotland Yard and MI5 to see if there are any concerns about the Royal Family's safety," Allen said.

While not talking with the pair, Franklin guessed they were the "two pasty looking chaps" who seemed to be arguing over which side of the road to drive on as they were getting out of their rental car.

"'You idiot,' one said. 'You almost got us killed a dozen times!'" recalled Franklin. "The other one said, 'Shut up, you nonce!' and they went inside.'"

Next on the guest list was Mike Chupp, from Sacramento, who arrived in a taxi.

"It's a good thing too" Franklin said. "He was soused pretty good. He asked me where the moose were and then laughed maniacally. He also said he'd need an extra long bath after he got home. I don't think he was too enamored with Canada."

Two men from Finland followed Chupp, said Franklin.

"I'd never seen a Finn face to face before and I don't care to ever again. They called themselves Prinz Eugen and Keke and when I was a little slow in giving them directions, they pushed my around a bit. I've heard them referred to as uber before but to me they were just uber-rude."

Following the Finns was a steady stream of people police have not been able to identify yet, however Franklin heard a handful of names and apparent aliases such as Jim Boggs, Snarker, Beckett, Crow, Robohn, Wallybob, Nippy and Shosties4th.

However, police are saying the trouble started after the arrival of a man from New Hampshire.

"This individual is of extreme interest to us," Allen said.

Police have identified him as Justin Goodale, who uses the alias MasterGoodale, Grandmaster TNT Chucker.

"Any fear I felt of the Finns was nothing compared to this guy," Franklin said. "He looked like something out of a horror film. If he had seen the sun in the last year or so, I'd be surprised. Although he wasn't that close to me, he seemed to have a greenish-black tinge to his skin. He also smelled musty, like he'd been living in a moldy basement for a long time. Red welts were all over his face and hands and, if I'm not mistaken, he also emitted a faint smell of vomit."

Once Goodale entered the home, Franklin said, all hell broke loose.

"All I could hear were strange guttural noises, like 'GARG GARG AGR G GGGGARGG AR GG RA GRAG G AR!!!!!' It was terrifying. The last thing I heard before the explosions started and I ran for it was a blood-curdling scream of 'Maaaaaaaaaaagots!!!!'"

Allen said OPP are working with the FBI in investigating Goodale's home in New Hampshire.

"We've had to call in our biochemical agents along with personnel from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta," said FBI spokesperson Jillian Franko. "At this point we have no idea what we're dealing with in that house. Whatever it is, it isn't pretty."

The investigation is continuing.

[Dave H]

Originally posted by MasterGoodale:

(snip)... I will be able to hook my pC back up and sling my angry TNT at every single slithering pod of puss on the planet TONIGHT!!! :mad:

Uhh, yeah, right. MasterGoodale, I believe every word you say, but watch out for the rest of them.

[Dave H]

Axe, this looks like a clear case of terrorism. Time to call in the US Department of Homeland Security, which won't mind ignoring details like an international border. You guys do have oil in Canada, right?

And I'll have my calculator back, thank you very much!

Bravo on a terrific post for a slow Monday morning.

[_Axe_]

Originally posted by Dave H:

Bravo on a terrific post for a slow Monday morning.

I was going to post it last night, but I realized I don't have to work today while my friends in the land of the free have no such luck today.

[mike_the_wino]

Originally posted by Axe2121:

Next on the guest list was Mike Chupp, from Sacramento, who arrived in a taxi.

I was in FECKIN CANADA?!?!? Now I know about those "evils of drinking" Dave H was prattling on about.

"It's a good thing too" Franklin said. "He was soused pretty good.

This part of the story checkes out.

"I don't think he was too enamored with Canada."

Damn tooting, can ya blame me? Thank Heaven that the blackouts prevent me from remembering this horrific affair. Although it does explain the lack funds in my bank account, the musky ordor permeating my travel bag and the slab of Canadian bacon in the fridge.

[Wallybob]

Hey! Goodale...promised...turns. Is he a non-turn-sending-maggot-breathing-pus-filled-mold-soiled-communist-tendancied-poorly-equipped-running-drip-soiled-diaper-not too-hip-stupid-git-yankee-twit-angry-nit-piece of-...stuff-said-enough-corpus-vile-pedo-phile-NON TURN-SENDING-brood-bashing-game-trashing-Mo-ron, or what.

Seriously, It's what we have come to expect. When he sends a post, I have an urge to look at the bottom of my shoe to see if I have stepped into something nasty.

Lady Remington indeed.

[Snarker]

Originally posted by Axe2121:

Barrie - Investigators are still trying to piece together the chain of events that started as a barbecue in a quiet suburban neighborhood and ended in the destruction of an entire city block...

...The investigation is continuing.

Is that a sheep in the middle of the rubble? Who invited the Aussies?

Nice AAR,Axe. Thought it was a bad dream...

[_Axe_]

It's 7:19 a.m. Tuesday morning MasterGoodale. Do you know where your turns are?

[Dave H]

I give up! MasterGoodale, please accept my surrender in our game. You can put anything you want in your sig line. Your cunning strategy of promising turns and not following through has worn me to a frazzle. I can't take it any longer.

[_Axe_]

Originally posted by Dave H:

I give up! MasterGoodale, please accept my surrender in our game. You can put anything you want in your sig line. Your cunning strategy of promising turns and not following through has worn me to a frazzle. I can't take it any longer.

Nooooooooo!!! C'mon Dave. You can make it!!

Don't give in!! :mad: :mad:

[mike_the_wino]

My triumphant conquest of Vancouver, and vanquishing of all things Canadian, begins this Saturday. I will be gone for nine(9) days. Tinkering around with the camping gear and getting ready for departure. As such turns reduced to a mastergoofball pace.

Wish me luck in the Great White North.

[Dave H]

Originally posted by mike_the_wino:

My triumphant conquest of Vancouver, and vanquishing of all things Canadian, begins this Saturday. I will be gone for nine(9) days. Tinkering around with the camping gear and getting ready for departure. As such turns reduced to a mastergoofball pace.

Wish me luck in the Great White North.

You might want to see Seanachai's tale of woe in the Peng thread about his recent return to the US from Canada. It didn't sound like an especially pleasant experience trying to get safely back south of the border. Of course, it's remotely possible the Minnesota maggot may have exaggerated slightly.

Remember, don't take any potatoes with you, and don't bring any meat back. So finish your Freedom Fries before the border northbound, and finish your Big Mac before the border southbound. Otherwise, the Mounties will be all over you and the body cavity search will commence!

Oh, have a good time mike. See you when you get back. I hope the residents of Vancouver have all had enough to drink for a while.

[mike_the_wino]

Originally posted by Dave H:

You might want to see Seanachai's tale of woe in the Peng thread about his recent return to the US from Canada. It didn't sound like an especially pleasant experience trying to get safely back south of the border. Of course, it's remotely possible the Minnesota maggot may have exaggerated slightly.[qb]

I can't be bothered to read ALL of the drivel on this forum. As to the troubles, are you sure that one of his fellow Penger's didn't tip off authorities that a man going by the alias Uber-Gnome was trying to cross the border? Does he know you are supposed to wear pants when going outside?

[qb]Remember, don't take any potatoes with you, and don't bring any meat back.

.

What is this no potatoe thing? We are going camping for 2 days north of Vancouver and were planning on bringing provisions. The Events Coordinator normally is very thorough about these matters but she may have missed this one. Have to check the Canadian Dept of Ag website.

I hope the residents of Vancouver have all had enough to drink for a while.

What with the wacky alkie-haul taxes and all I imagine this will be a "sobering" experience.

[Soddball]

*mumble*

Turns out tomorrow if I'm lucky. I suck.

Upon the weekend, I will demand Trial by Brood for the Sig of MasterGoodale. I believe I have earned his sig and will place my evidence before you all so that you can decide.

[mike_the_wino]

Crikey. Neither the Canadian Ministry of Ag nor the RCMP were any help. Axe you are both a Canadian and a journalist, start digging. What food items are verboten entering, or leaving, Canada?

Chop, chop. Time's a'wasting.

[Becket]

Originally posted by Dave H:

So finish your Freedom Fries before the border northbound, and finish your Big Mac before the border southbound.

Look at the big brain on Dave H! What does he do with his Royale with Cheese?

mike, what's the over-under that you will actually send me a setup before you go?

[_Axe_]

Originally posted by mike_the_wino:

Crikey. Neither the Canadian Ministry of Ag nor the RCMP were any help. Axe you are both a Canadian and a journalist, start digging. What food items are verboten entering, or leaving, Canada?

Chop, chop. Time's a'wasting.

You nonce. Canada Customs and Revenue Agency is where the cool kids hang out.

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. :mad: :mad:

Jas :mad: n

[_Axe_]

You do realize that half of western Canada is on fire , don't you?

You might want to check, but I'm sure campfires are banned out there right now.

Jas :mad: n

[Dave H]

Originally posted by Becket:

Look at the big brain on Dave H! What does he do with his Royale with Cheese?

Isn't that what we Amurricans call a quarter-pounder with cheese? You metric zombies are so hopeless!

Becket, I would tell him exactly what he could do with a Royale with Cheese, but I'd rather not start a discussion about any part of mike's anatomy.

Actually, I suspect the very best thing he could do with it would be throw it in the trash. Or don't buy it in the first place.

[_Axe_]

Originally posted by Dave H:

You metric zombies are so hopeless.

"Yeah, could I get a Big Mac meal?"

"What size would you like? We have cubit, gomedh and hogshead to choose from."

But then again, why make measurements using a standard base-10 system? It's sooooo complicated.

I'm advocating for Metric Time!

[Snarker]

Oh, yeah. Base ten system is fine for those of us with ten fingers. The down fall - it wouldn't be long until the PC crowd in the US denounce the metric system as unfair to the "phalanges challenged" handicapped. :mad:

Oops! I said "handicapped". Gotta run, a mob is shouting and pounding on my door...

[_Axe_]

Are you advocating on behalf of the mentally challenged community Snarker?

:mad: :mad: :mad:

[ August 05, 2003, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: Axe2121 ]

[Snarker]

ARRRRGHHH!!!!! They've got pitch forks and torches! They've broken a window and the torches are flying in!!!!

Thank God Goodale hasn't emailed any TNT in ages or I'd be a goner.

[Snarker]

Originally posted by Axe2121:

Are you advocating on behalf of the mentally challenged community Snarker?

:mad: :mad: :mad:

No, you no-owning "Gray's Anatomy" twonk. Those with less than 10 fingers. How would all the Arkansas folk missing fingers fair in a metric world with less than the optimal number to utilize as a cracker abacus?

[_Axe_]

I do believe they're called multi-pronged farming implements and portable combustion units.