The Commissar Posted February 2, 2001 Share Posted February 2, 2001 Originally posted by Mark IV: ...spilling his ice-cream all over the magazine. No being one to waste ice-cream, Bauhaus began to lick the pages to get the rest of it off. That when Chupacabra walked in with an accordion. "Hey everyone! Want to hear my new song? It's called... ..."The Peng Thread Polka"! And he began to play along, singing as he went: The Cesspool is a stinky old place, Not much, but I call it home, And when the grogs make me feel disgrace... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shandorf Posted February 2, 2001 Share Posted February 2, 2001 ...Suddenly Chup's cat-like mewling is cut short by the loud report of a steyr-aug on full auto. From the muzzle flashes the shadow of Chup's corpse performs some macabe dance against the curtains. Pieces of accordian bits fly intermingled with flesh and blood about his body as it slowly slumps to the floor in final silence. "Damn, I got blood and accordian bits all of my magazine! Now BTS will never believe me about the running HMGs," Bauhaus bemoans, as smoke wafts from the hot barrel of his steyr-aug. In a sudden rage sparked by the loss of his "HMG Times" magazine Bauhaus raises his steyr-aug and empties the cerramic magazine of it's remaining rounds into the lifeless husk of Chup. "Take that you feckin' Yankies fan," Bauhaus screams in rage, as the receiver snaps pack into the locked position signalling that the remaining round was spent. Feeling somewhat satisfied, as only Bauhaus could, he loads another magazine into the steyr-aug just as... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted February 2, 2001 Share Posted February 2, 2001 Originally posted by Shandorf: he loads another magazine into the steyr-aug just as... ...a Russian Spetnaz special forces unit drops in for tea and a fine old... [This message has been edited by Mace (edited 02-01-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiram Sedai Posted February 2, 2001 Share Posted February 2, 2001 Originally posted by Mace: ...a Russian Spetnaz special forces unit drops in for tea and a fine old... ...time was had by all. "Sit down, Komerad Bauhaus" they insisted. We have a mission for you. Fetch us a grumpy old man. Be sure to pick the most incontintant and flatulant one you can find. Bauhaus went to stand up as a chorus of voices echoed "Sit down, Bauhaus" He grumbled as he went through his roledex looking for Peng. "He used to be grumpy and we know that he wears Depends brand Diapers", Bauhaus thought to himself in a stage whisper sort of way. Perhaps I should spend the rest of my day licking... ------------------ Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. - Blaise Pascal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hakko Ichiu Posted February 2, 2001 Share Posted February 2, 2001 ... stamps so I can send out 50 copies of this chain letter. It's an ancient Tibetan good luck charm, and if I mail it to all my friends, it says that I'll receive ... [This message has been edited by Hakko Ichiu (edited 02-02-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jshandorf Posted February 2, 2001 Share Posted February 2, 2001 ...a free lifetime supply of sheep! Damn! I'll be the envy of the pool! They'll line up for miles to see my sheep! I bet Mace will want to borrow a few though. Poor buggers, but that's what sheep are for...err, atleast that's what he says." Bauhaus then turned to the Russian Spetnaz special forces unit and said, "Tell ya what guys, you help get these chain letters out and I will give you Peng." "A Peng? Vat dis this Peng you speak of?" asked the Spetnaz platoon leader. "He's not a thing," said Bauhaus. "He's this crotchety old bastard that smells funy and hurls his feces at kids walking by his house. He's just what you are looking for!" "Ah! You are too kind, Kamrade. Ve vill gladly help you vith this chain letter in exchange for this Peng." "That's great!" Exclaimed Bauhaus. "Now just grab those... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Aitken Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 ...envelopes and stamps and get licking!" Unfortunately for bauhaus something was lost in the translations, and the Spetsnaz troopers thought he was asking for sexual favours. Ten minutes later, bauhaus pondered the unusual turn of events, as he hung upside down from a nearby tree. cut to slide show image of tree The Larch. The Russians, intending to castrate him, had discovered that this was unnecessary and, taking pity on him, had simply left him to die of horrific brain damage as the blood swelled his brain, formed clots and would ultimately cause his grey matter to explode through his eyes and ears. Oblivious to his impending doom, bauhaus... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jd Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 says...Roight, whose for a little sing song then? Suddenly, as if bidden from the depths of hell, a shadowy apparition appears and says..... [This message has been edited by jd (edited 02-02-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Commissar Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 ..."Luke, I am your father!" proclaimed the figure. "You got the wrong fantasy world, pal." replied Bauhaus nonchallantly, "This is the one where a bunch of goons gather round and make up stories where I die alot. Want to join me on this here tree?" "I'll...pass", replied the figure, slowly backing away and shifting his eyes left and right. "Say, what's that over there!" the figure yelled, pointing at something behind our hanging protagonist. Bauhaus, being the curious type, spun his hanging body to look at what the figure was pointing at. Finding nothing, he turned back around, but the figure was gone. "Damn, I thought I learned better back in the 1st grade" muttered Bauhaus angrily, "Maybe my brain is finally starting to leak?" Then Bauhaus realized that this was technically impossible, due to the simple fact that... ------------------ "...Every position, every meter of Soviet soil must be defended to the last drop of blood..." - Segment from Order 227 "Not a step back" [This message has been edited by The Commissar (edited 02-02-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 ... if only he had a brain, he could join his friends the tin-man, the lion and Dorothy and go to... [This message has been edited by Mace (edited 02-02-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hakko Ichiu Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 Originally posted by Mace: ... if only he had a brain, he could join his friends the tin-man, the lion and Dorothy and go to... ... The Wizard, which was a "café" across from the Amsterdam offices of Leather Tiger Press, noted publishers of such famous Grog-Porn™ titles as ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Aitken Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 ... Vigorous Flanking On The Steppes and Rear Penetrations In The Bocage. Bauhaus's head was swelling dangerously when an SdKfz 234/2 Puma, buttoned and thus suffering from limited LOS, crashed into the branch from which he was hanging and knocked him into the air. Performing a triple-sumersault double-flip head-spin, he inadvertantly landed on NipponBoy, who had been roaming the countryside looking for forces of evil to combat, in a perfect karate killer move which sent the latter flying through the window of a nearby building which mg had just placed in the scenario editor on top of his field gun, utilising a loophole in the game to place artillery pieces indoors. Bouncing off the gun, NipponBoy landed on the desk of Heinrich von Haufenstaufen, a largely unknown Prussian aristocrat who, as a valued member of Hitler's government, was charged with orchestrating... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Commissar Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 ...the penguin halocaust. Thanks to brutal Nazi regeme, any strange sexual preferences were looked down upon. Seeing as how penguins enjoyed participation in most of those strange sexual preferences, they were to be stalked down and beaten over the head with large tire-irons, "until the Fatherland would be rid of those no good perverted scum!" This of course, as every grog knows, led to New Guina's entrance into the war, which tipped the scales heavily in favour of the Allies. One particular hero of that glorious country was named... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiram Sedai Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 Originally posted by The Commissar: ...the penguin halocaust. Thanks to brutal Nazi regeme, any strange sexual preferences were looked down upon. Seeing as how penguins enjoyed participation in most of those strange sexual preferences, they were to be stalked down and beaten over the head with large tire-irons, "until the Fatherland would be rid of those no good perverted scum!" This of course, as every grog knows, led to New Guina's entrance into the war, which tipped the scales heavily in favour of the Allies. One particular hero of that glorious country was named... ...John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. His name is... ------------------ Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. - Blaise Pascal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Commissar Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 Originally posted by Hiram Sedai: ...John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. His name is... ..., when spelled backwards while in a dark room, standing in a bucket of none-CM wargame CD's, painting 666 in urine on the floor (preferably urine not belonging to you), with a print our of every incarnation of the Peng thread in your hands, will open the fiery gates of hell and will summon none other than... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 Originally posted by The Commissar: will open the fiery gates of hell and will summon none other than... ...Satan, who fancied himself as a bit of a fine CM player and always presented himself when a possible session was forthcoming. "Anyone up for a game", Satan said. "Setup will be..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Commissar Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 "...the following: You get a platoon of conscript infantry, and I get 10 Elite HMG's that can run! Mua...Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" An opponent had to be chosen. One came forward to meet the challange. He stepped over Germanboy - who was curled up in the fetal position, peeing himself and muttering over and over again "but their too heavy to run!" - and walked up the the Hot Seat computer they would use for this fateful battle. The name of this brave, yet some say insane uber-gamer was... [This message has been edited by The Commissar (edited 02-03-2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark IV Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 ...Johnny, and it might be a sin, "But I'll take your bet - your gonna regret 'cause i'm the best that's ever been!" he said, adding, "Well, you're pretty good ol' son, "But set right in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done!" ...and he took a platoon of Easy-Eights and... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Commissar Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 Originally posted by Mark IV: ...Johnny, and it might be a sin, "But I'll take your bet - your gonna regret 'cause i'm the best that's ever been!" he said, adding, "Well, you're pretty good ol' son, "But set right in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done!" ...and he took a platoon of Easy-Eights and... ...ol' Satan was dismayed. Our boy Johny's one tough date! So the battle soon begun, oh how bad the turrets sung, titans clashed, machine guns roared, our boy Johny was on top of the world. Satan's down to a single crew, while our Johny's got a few - a few tanks and grunts-a-plenty, what an army he has - dandy! But ol' Satan had an ace up his sleave, Johny was in for a hell of a peeve! Calling up his divine powers, Satan summoned up... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 Originally posted by The Commissar: Calling up his divine powers, Satan summoned up... ...Fionn, the most... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Commissar Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 ...evil demon Satan had in his arsenal, who also happened to share his name with a famous CMBO player. And so the posters flogged the Commissar, for he disrupted the flow of the thread by wishing not to have Fionn e-mailing him about calling him (insert curse here). And oh what they calleth the Commissar, the most humiliating of curses, which was... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speedy Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 ......fiddlesticks, the curse that....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mace Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 Originally posted by Speedy: ......fiddlesticks, the curse that....... ....keeps on keeping on! "No wait, that's the slogan for a brand of paint", cried Speedy. Just then, Rolf Harris interjected with a blow to the back of Speedy's head, using his famed wobble board. With Speedy prone on the ground and concussed, Rolf then preceeded to beat The Commissioner for failing in his duties and upsetting the rythm of this thread. "Tie me kangaroo down sport...I'm Jake the Peg, with the extra leg", Rolf exclaimed, as he wipped out his third leg which in reality was.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speedy Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 ....a mace ??? oh dear..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiram Sedai Posted February 4, 2001 Share Posted February 4, 2001 Originally posted by Speedy: ....a mace ??? oh dear..... ...me. We simply cannot have all of this frivolity about. "Where are the historians and grogs?" Nipponese boy asked the public at large. Shall I recite something off the top of my head? I could dance like MC Hammer and play some... ------------------ Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. - Blaise Pascal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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