mike8g Posted February 26, 2001 Share Posted February 26, 2001 Here's one regarding a well-known fellow on this board (name changed, of course): A GUNNERS FATE Somewhere in France, a conversation between a Firefly crew. Tank commander (TC): he gunr, fyer at tzat hause ovr their. enimi truups r init. Gunner(G): What ? Tank commander (TC): Fyer at tzat hause ovr their.Fyer! Fyer! Fyer! G: Okay sarge. -whooom- TC: Yu hitt. Fery vell. G: What ? -whooom- TC: Ogod, luk ther. An enimi pun-zer-cheque in ze top flor! kill him! G: What ? -whooom- TC: He iz aimink et uz. kill him! G: What ? TC: Kill him! Fyer! Fyer! Fyer! G: Sarge, I'm already shelling that house. I'll continue.. -whooom- .. incoming Panzerschreck round... -KABOOM- G: AAARGHH! Wounded! TC: We ar hitt. Leaf tze tank. It vill explote. G: What ? TC: Leaf tze tank. It vill explote. G: Okay Sarge, understood. My orders are to stay here and cover your retreat. Good luck, Sarge Rob/2 *) TC: I will gif ordrs to ozers to help yu aut. Tzey shell com too yu suun. .. TC climbing out of wreck .. G: Yep, as soon as they understand you. *) Name changed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fubar628 Posted February 26, 2001 Share Posted February 26, 2001 Here's one regarding a not so well-known fellow on this board (name not changed, of course): mike8g goes out for a walk and sees an old man limping along the street on crutches. (The old man has one leg missing). mike8g runs up to him and kicks out the crutches causing the old man to fall in pain. mikeg8 laughs as he thinks this is really funny. Then mike8g sees someone a woman in a wheelchair and runs up to her and pushes her into the street where she gets hit by a car. mike8g rolls on the ground as he thinks that this is also hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Oz Posted February 26, 2001 Share Posted February 26, 2001 After France once again lashed out at US foreign policy by condemning the recent air strikes on Iraq, Secretary of State Colin Powell issued a public apology to the families of the tens of thousands of soldiers that gave their lives, and to all Americans, for rescuing France during WWI and WWII. The contrite former General pleaded with the American people to accept the apology and move on from this misguided, charitable act. "It’s time that we take a hard look at ourselves and ask ‘what were we thinking?’" said Powell. Eighty-two year old former Marine Sergeant Larry Barnes, who served in France, applauded the apology. "It’s about time. We knew something was wrong back then. We saved this one French family who had 14 Nazi officers shacked up in their chateau… we came plowing in there and shot everyone of those Krauts. Then some elderly French Lady comes over to us with a bottle of wine and out of nowhere starts yelling at us for ruining her shrubs. I lost 12 men and a leg in that skirmish." Until recently it was generally accepted that Eisenhower’s decision to invade Nazi occupied Europe through France was absolutely correct. However with continued French condemnation, experts now feel Allied Forces should have landed at the beaches of Holland, and invaded Germany through Belgium, completely bypassing France. The victorious Allied forces could then have written a loophole into the German Peace Treaty allowing the Nazis to continue to occupy France while relinquishing all other holdings. According to scholars, the United States would have still won the war but more importantly achieved the greater objective, keeping the French from "mouthing-off for the rest of the century." However, some historians argue that a victory in WWII couldn’t have been assured without the images of euphoric American GI’s merrily marching down the Champs-Elysées. "I’m not sure that scenes of mildly pleased allied troops briskly walking through The Hague would have made the same impact. Support for the war back home might have ebbed, and made defeat a real possibility," said Brian Strong, WWII Studies professor at West Point. France which was "deeply offended" by the statement has requested the return of the Statue of Liberty, the Louisiana Purchase, and anything with the name Lafayette on it. ------------------ "Bother", said Pooh, as he shoved in a fresh magazine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike8g Posted February 27, 2001 Share Posted February 27, 2001 fubar628, got me on that point. But this is not a joke about someone with a spelling problem but someone insisting on not using any kind of help (spellchecker). Look here: http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/014332.html I should have mentioned that before. Okay, point taken. Out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted February 27, 2001 Share Posted February 27, 2001 Originally posted by Kanonier Reichmann: Who the hell is Seyss-Inquart. Originally posted by *Captain Foobar*: Thanks for telling us about it Juju, that was great...... Arthur Seyss-inquart was the Reichscommisar for occupied Holland during WWII. Apparantly when he was assigned to the job he phoned his wife and told her: "Trude, The Fuehrer wants me to plant tulips!" Anyway, Foob, that's not the joke. The joke was that Seyss-Inquart walked with a limp, and everytime he got home he would say to his wife: "Dag vrouwke." And she would reply : "Dag manke." Get it? No? Okay then. 'Dag' means hello or hi. 'Vrouwke' translates to something like 'little woman,' while 'manke' means either 'little man' (it's more a play on words, we don't use it) or as a reference to someone who walks with a limp. Actually it's not that funny after all. It made the dutch laugh back then, though. ------------------ Officer: Old man, vhere ist your Spinnink Vheel?! Old man: My... my what? Officer: Your Vheel! your Vheel! Vhere ist your Vheel?! Old man: Oh, I am sorry, I do not eat meat, I am a vegetarian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest birdgunner Posted February 27, 2001 Share Posted February 27, 2001 Do you know what the German High Command biggest fear was during the WWII? That the Allied Command would give the Canadian soldier each a Bottle of Whiskey, a 48 hr Pass and declare Berlin out of bounds. The war would have been over in a day! ------------------ So many Battles and so little Time... Sleep!!! Who needs Sleep! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cameron Posted February 28, 2001 Share Posted February 28, 2001 Couple of Marine jokes for you: This guy sits down next to 3 men at a bar and turns to the one nearest to him and says: "Hey, wanna hear a good jarhead joke?" The first man turns to him and says "Buddy, I'm 5'11" 185 pounds and I have 3 black belts and I'm a Marine. My friend here is 6'2", 225 pounds and was a tri-state wrestling champion and all american football player, and he's a Marine. My other friend here is 6'5" 310 pounds and can bench 3 times his own body weight and he's a Marine. Now you still wanna tell a jarhead joke buddy?" the man replies "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it 3 times." ___________________ and a scottish joke: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Cuz sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. Why do Scotsmen have sex with sheep on the edge of a cliff. So they push back harder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Commissar Posted February 28, 2001 Share Posted February 28, 2001 Originally posted by Cameron: ___________________ and a scottish joke: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Cuz sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. Why do Scotsmen have sex with sheep on the edge of a cliff. So they push back harder. Good advice! You taking notes there, Mace? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gunnergoz Posted February 28, 2001 Share Posted February 28, 2001 Scene: Korea, 1951 Two US Marines and two British Royal Marines share a foxhole in territory deep in Chinese Communist lines. With enemies all around, bullets are flying and the four men must crouch at the bottom of the foxhole for safety. There, crowded together, the four begin a vigorous and highly contested game of one-upmanship, bragging about how the US Marines are better, no the Royal Marines are tops, etc. Finally tiring of the game, one US Marine forgets where he is for a moment and sticks his head up to look around. Just then, a Chinese bullet at the end of it's trajectory bounces on the ground, pops into the Marine's mouth, knocking him silly on the foxhole floor. Fearing the worst the other 3 men look on incredulously as the groggy US Marine shakes his head and spits out 3 bloody teeth and a bullet. "Coor, Blimey, 'e caught the bleedin' bullet with 'is teeth!" says one awed Royal Marine to his mate. The other US Marine makes a mocking face and says, "You a__hole, if you'd rolled with that like they taught us in Boot Camp, you'd have never lost the f__'n teeth!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wisbech_lad Posted February 28, 2001 Share Posted February 28, 2001 An Australian (Qantas steward in the original joke) and a New Zealander are taking a country walk together. They come across a sheep, with its head trapped in a wire fence. The ewe is bleating piteously and wriggling its rump. Overcome by lust, the kiwi "services" the poor sheep. The Aussie looks on, gobsmacked. After the kiwi has finished, he realises what he has done. He is overcome by embarassment "Oh, gee, I'm really sorry, what was I thinking of? Should have let you go first. Terrible manners mate, but please, your turn now" With a grin on his face the Aussie strips off, gets on his hands and knees, and sticks his head through the fence... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forever Babra Posted February 28, 2001 Share Posted February 28, 2001 The young officer, fresh from Sandhurst, arrived at his new posting, deep in the Sudan. As the RSM guided him around the fort, the officer asked in his stiff Etonian: "I say, RSM, this is all pukka, but, errmmm, what do the men do when they're feeling, ummm, a bit randy, eh?" "Well, sir," says the RSM, "There's no women around the fort, but we do have a mule out behind the orderly room." The lieutenant exclamed, quite appalled, "Good grief! That may be all very well for you enlisted types, but it just won't do for an officer and a gentleman, no indeed!" and stalked off. Well, the days passed, and the weeks, and the months after that, and the young officer could take it no more. "RSM!" He cried out one day. "Sir!" says the RSM, snapping to. "Where did you say that mule was kept, RSM?" The old sergeant major smiled and winked, "Why, it's out behind the orderly room, sir, and nobody's using it just now." Not half an hour later, the RSM turned the corner behind the orderly room and caught the young officer, kit half off, mounted on a stool, in flagro delecto with the mule. "SIR!!!" cried the RSM aghast. The red-faced officer hurriedly pulled up his trousers. "We must all share in the hardships, eh, Sergeant-Major? What's good enough for the men is good enough for me, eh?" "Yes, sir," says the RSM, "But generally the men ride the mule to town, sir." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeJ Posted February 28, 2001 Share Posted February 28, 2001 thought i'd contribute this one a friend of mine mailed me when i told her i was joining up, she says it's called The Tough Marine At the end of the night a Marine leaves a bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not as tough as a Marine, are you Batman?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Dorosh Posted February 28, 2001 Share Posted February 28, 2001 Originally posted by birdgunner: Do you know what the German High Command biggest fear was during the WWII? That the Allied Command would give the Canadian soldier each a Bottle of Whiskey, a 48 hr Pass and declare Berlin out of bounds. The war would have been over in a day! Don't forget the motorcycle. Lord Haw Haw used to bellow about what rotten drivers Canadians were - because it was true; Brookwood Cemetery in England became known as Despatch Riders' Heaven because of all the dead Canadian motorcyclists there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanonier Reichmann Posted March 1, 2001 Share Posted March 1, 2001 Originally posted by Juju: Arthur Seyss-inquart was the Reichscommisar for occupied Holland during WWII. Apparantly when he was assigned to the job he phoned his wife and told her: "Trude, The Fuehrer wants me to plant tulips!" Anyway, Foob, that's not the joke. The joke was that Seyss-Inquart walked with a limp, and everytime he got home he would say to his wife: "Dag vrouwke." And she would reply : "Dag manke." Get it? No? Okay then. 'Dag' means hello or hi. 'Vrouwke' translates to something like 'little woman,' while 'manke' means either 'little man' (it's more a play on words, we don't use it) or as a reference to someone who walks with a limp. Actually it's not that funny after all. It made the dutch laugh back then, though. Jeez... you had me rolling on the floor with that one Juje... is it a European continent thing or something? Regards Jim R. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts