The Twice-A-Month-Lurker #7: Plato's Outhouse

[The_Capt]

Ok here we go again,

I was surfin the forum the other day and saw some of my old stuff being brought back to life. When I read them, I laughed, then cried and laughed again...I was so innocent back then.

Well now I find that being a bit more of a CM Vet, I have moved well into Historian stage of evolution (actually bought and read Achtung-Panzer!, although in my case it should have been title Achtung-Panzer?!)btw, one can reflect on the wisdoms which the game has given me. In exchange for about 1/3 of my waking hours and $83.45 Canadian. Hee-hee with the exchange rate as it stands now I got a hell of a deal.

OK, so that got me thinking about toilets. Yup the thrones upon which we lighten the load and touch the face of Creation. Having spent a lot of years in the military, I can tell you I have spent a lot of time in public toilets, some a little too public..

CFB Suffield (imagine the desert but now put rangey grass over the top of it and you have Suffield. We hated it so much we stuck the British with the damn thing...200yrs of Colonial Rule, take that!!)

"Gee Sarge I gotta go poo, where is the potty?"

"Well sir I think it is 300m that way, or that way, or..well you get the idea. Here take the Troop **** Shovel and go Talk to The Almighty."

"Uh Sarge, there is 3 ft of snow and it is -20 C (being May we should have seen that one coming) and all the troops will see me."

"Well don't worry about that sir, we'll all promise to look somewhere else and as to the cold and snow...well think of it as a big puffy cloud provided for you to crap on."

Or even better..Bosnia '94. Before UNPROFOR was a dirty word and the Yanks had mustered enough balls to get involved. Now one of the tricks to staying alive is to never get off the pavement. We even made up a little ditty..

"If the ground is hard and gray..it's A-OK"

"If it is Green and Soft..GET THE F#CK OFF YA MORON!!!"

So you can see that natures call was often carried out on roadsides..if you were lucky. As an aside when snipers had a birthday party or things just got downright unfriendly you could experience the joy of the "Ammo Can Latrine" right inside the comfort of your APC.

Now I am a shy fella, believe it or not, and if someone speaks or distrupts my concentration in anyway the act of urination is pretty much shot for awhile. So you can imagine my effort whilst trying to pee off a roadside at around 3 a.m. with the sounds of shelling in the distance and troops preparing for rock blasting behind me (A lot like the ambient noise in CM actually, the shelling but a rock blasting mod would be nice).

"OK thinking of running water.gentle sun dappled streams..focus..focus..Ahh"

"Vroom (jeep zips by) Hey sir you actually f#ck with that thing?! Har Har!!"

"Sigh.."

Ok rambling into old war storys, back to my point.

One thing I have found is that all public toilets have roughly the same graffiti.

First there is the standard hand drawn pronographic picture of varying degree of quality. Some people are quite talented actually.

Then the usual "For a good time.." "So and So sucks/rulez/does It with all sorts of fauna or flora..."

Followed by the "Some organization rocks!!" Then the "rocks" is scratched out and something slightly more negative put in it's place.

Lastly the Religious Nut has to try and pass on the word of Christ..in the toilet of course because He is everywhere. "Let no man come to the Father but by me..." followed by "Ya you and your father buddy!! Blah blah blah."

So anyway this got me to thinking...What do you suppose you would see on Plato's Outhouse door...kinda cool hey. Well maybe cool is the wrong word but I thought it might make an interesting intro into the real subject of this post.

"WHAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM CM"

First let me say that these are life lessons and great truths. So if you are desperate for tatical hints go elsewhere..you will learn nothing here.

1. Life is in balance. I know I am a tactical genius in real life and I totally suck at CM. Ahh the cosmic dance!

2. I should never take up casino gambling for a living. If indeed Luck is a force of nature, then based on my CM experience, it is something I should never count on. I played one game where a 81mm round took out my last Puma. If I go to do something the enemy will always attack at that moment. In short I turn into George Castanza(sp?) when I play this game. If it an instinct coming from me..it is wrong.

3. Sock Puppets will not help your game. Well I tried PIPPU (he is still out in the backyard keeping the dogs teeth company btw). Then I tried Fritzy who though very strong wrt doctrine, he simply lacked imagination. (I think the dog is chewing on his pointy little helmet right now.) I have now moved onto a Coporate Trainer called Toni (aren't they all). He has plastic hair, Wayne Newton teeth and spouts off "Unlease your hidden potential!" "Shatter the paradigm!" and "Gleam the Cube"(?!). I think he is going to be enjoying stunning career motivating the BBQ charcoal shortly.

4. Booze and CM don't mix. Just like driving, one tends to say "Ahh what the hell.." way too often.

5. Sex and CM don't mix. There isn't enough nudity in the game to get one interested and just try screaming out "Enemy Armour Ahead" whilst in the throws of passion. Stay safe and yell out your sister in-laws name instead.

6. The forum is essentially a 3rd Grade Playground. Oh ya we have the geeks and jocks. Bullies and bullied. Judging by some grammer and spelling (easy now they took the spell checker away) some foreign students. "I am liking to say this is game for which I find to be very much fun." School yard rules gentlemen...pick on the weak, backstab the strong and always hurl the dog crap at the girl you love. It is no wonder that BTS is cranky, not unlike a never-to-be-married, face like a lemon bottom, dried up 3rd grade school Marm who has to try and keep a couple thousand snotty little brats happy..RIGHT NOW!!!

7. Life is a One Way Trip. Once you hit GO my friend there is no turning back.

8. Patience, for there are Assh#les everywhere.

9. Forgivness.

10. Newbies are the other "white meat"

11. All German tanks are a lot like an angry Italian Grandmother..short, fat, ugly and always ready to smack you upside the head for the littlest thing.

12. The Allied Forces on the Western Front were gamey SOBs!!

13. Life like CM is like running thru a dark forest with a flashlight..backwards. "Ouch!! Oh ya that was a birch tree I hit."

14. The CM Forum Admin staff were long tall, well curved and savage Waffen SS female prisone guards in another life. "Zat is not allowed!! Smack!! Thank you m'am may I have another."

15. Steve and Charles don't actually exist they are a front for a multi-national corporation bent on world domination, which has finally decided to spread into the highly lucrative hardcore wargaming market. I knew it all along.

16. Like CM, life is never fair and often can be downright cruel but it is a hell of a ride!!

Well I think that is enough. If anybody has anything else please feel free to sound off.

Until next time, remember..

Play CM until you go blind then hire a monkey to play for you.

[jd]

Tell it like it is Brother....can I get an A-men!

[Iskander]

TEST-AH-FY!

*woot*

[Leeo]

Hallelujah!

[Holman]

On Plato's outhouse wall:

"The particular Sherman that you just lost to a hidden 'schreck team is not the Real Sherman. Rather, it is only an imperfect reflection of the Sherman that exists in the world of Forms, which is at this moment neither Knocked Out nor Abandoned, but perfectly safe and secure atop the victory flag that you, in this lower world, have foolishly rushed without sufficient infantry support..."

"A perfect Republic would be governed by philosopher-kings, whose relative status would be determined by ladder tournaments bound by the most stringent and historically-accurate rules of unit purchase and deployment. There is no room for Gamey Bast*rds in our utopia..."

"Go ahead, waste your artillery on the tree-line... *hic!* There's nothing there, I tell ya!... *burp*..."

[Ales Dvorak]

West side story?

[Lorak]

LOL Capt.

Thanks for the laugh. Although it only confirms to those I work with, that I am crazy.

Lorak

[Juardis]

I fail to see the point of this thread.

Now, that means that there is no point or I cannot see. So let us hypothesize that there is a point, I just cannot see it. Which means all bathroom walls look alike and I know not what you're talking about. Yet there are bathrooms, of that I am sure, so there must be walls unless your crapping on some white puffy clouds and you feel a cold breeze blowing across your bottom. And if there are walls, surely someone will write on them. But I cannot see because there is a point here. So if no one sees the writing on the wall, was it written to begin with? There is certainly enough evidence that I cannot see because my tanks never hit anything and I never see what hits me.

Therefore, there is a point in this thread and I'm pretty sure it's not on the bathroom walls because then I would not get the point because I cannot see the point.

Perhaps I can hear the point? Listening (hand cupped to ear)....nope, I hear the guy in the next cube talking baby talk to his 2 yr old. Perhaps that is the point? We are all children? And 2 year olds soil their diapees all the time. So we're all children running around with soiled diapees? Surely there's a better point here?

The point is out there, I have proven that already. The key is finding it. Wait, that's it! That's the point. You cannot kill what you cannot see! Plato HAS SPOKEN and I have heard him (since I cannot see him). I see the point now. Uh oh, if I can see, then going back to the original supposition, there is no point here.

Damn! I thought I had unlocked the mystery of the quotient but instead my original statement needs amending to "I see (I've proven that already) no point (yep, proven that too) in this thread."

Where's PIPPU when you need him?

[ParaBellum]

Do you see the light?!

Yes!

Thank you, Sir!

[The_Capt]

Whoa there Juardis!!

You might sprain something if you keep going like that.

Your first instinct was correct..there is no point ot the thread.

That is what makes it fun, awash in this sea of grogism. It is a commentary on the human condition thu the eyes of CM. No point at all.

[Juardis]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The_Capt:

Whoa there Juardis!!

You might sprain something if you keep going like that.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

NOW you warn me! It's too late though, my brain exploded shortly after I realized that I did find the point AND I could see, thus violating the Juardis modified Heisenbergs uncertainty principle.

What's the Heisenberg uncertainty principle? In laymens terms it's "You cannot know the exact position of an object at any particular point in time." Juardis modifies this as saying, "you cannot know with certainty any 2 points made in one thread on this forum". So, by failing to see the point, or being able to see that no point was made is perfectly acceptable since I fail in one sense or the other (to see or, there is no point). But *to see* *a point* or *fail to see* *no point* is like, well, knowing 2 things (or not knowing 2 things) at the exact same moment in time in a thread in which, as admitted to by the author, contains no point.

So my brain exploded.

...and all smilies died inglorious with it.

[Spook]

Outhouse philosophy. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Of course, putting up "cesspool" threads with no point at all may get the Peng denizens coiled up for a turf battle.

To add to your outhouse wisdom: "If you're going to be flatuent, then keep the outhouse ventilated. Or stop smoking."

[imported_Wildman]

Hey wait a minute!

Did I see those remarks on a poster in the mall?

All I learned from life, I learned from CM.

Yes, I'm sure that I did!

[Bobbaro]

Say here now, Cesspool? The Outhouse stands above that clearly. And being supererior in all respects deserves the respect of superior minds. Let those floating below bumping up againt the flotsamized jetsome linger there at their level. The Outhouse gang is not only superior spatially, they are also superior philosophical and in all other ways. After all Plato wrote here, and munificently provided as sitting philosopher in residence bits and pieces for the edifacation of those below.

[Spook]

What'd be nice is if someone could work up an "outhouse" graphics mod for CM....

[Spook]

This came from Babra on another topic. Definitely "outhouse philosophy," though.

----------------

**** HAPPENS - in various world religions

TAOISM: **** happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "**** happens".

ZEN: (What is the sound of **** happening?)

JESUITISM: If **** happens and when nobody is watching, is it really ****?

ISLAM: **** happens if it is the will of Allah.

COMMUNISM. Equal **** happens to all people.

CATHOLICISM: **** happens because you are bad.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: **** happens because of your toilet training.

SCIENTOLOGY: **** happens if you're on our **** list.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad **** happens, and good **** happens.

UNITARIANISM: Maybe **** happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.

RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this **** happen to someone else.

JUDAISM: Why does **** always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

MYSTICISM: What weird ****!

AGNOSTICISM: What is this ****?

ATHEISM: I don't believe this ****!

NIHILISM: Who needs this ****?

AZTEC: Cut out this ****!

QUAKER: Let's not fight over this ****.

FORTEANISM: No ****??

12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the ****.

VOODOO: Hey, that **** looks just like you!

NEWAGE: Visualize **** not happening.

DEISM: **** just happens.

EXISTENTIALISM: **** doesn't happen; **** is.

SECULAR HUMANISM: **** evolves.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: **** is in your mind.

BUDDHISM: **** happens, but pay no mind.

SHINTOISM: **** is everywhere.

HINDUISM: This **** has happened before.

WICCA: Mix this **** together and make it happen!

HASIDISM: **** never happens the same way twice.

THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the **** that happens.

DIANETICS: Your mother gave you **** before your were born.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No **** on Saturdays.

JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No **** happens until Armageddon.

MOONIES: Only happy **** really happens.

HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.

BAHA'I: It's all the same ****.

STOICISM: This **** is good for me.

OBJECTIVISM: Our **** is good for you.

EST: If my **** bothers you, that's your fault.

REAGANISM: Don't move; the **** will trickle down.

FASCISM: **** makes the trains run on time.

CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the **** away.

EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-****.

DISCORDIANISM: Some funny **** happened to me today.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this ****.