Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by John Kelly: Peng threads seem irrelevant to me. Perhaps Peng thread meta-discussion outside the Peng threads will be more relevant.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Hi, Mom!

[setting: Space. A plastic spaceship model is blue-screened against footage from Night of the Living Dead, the scene where the punker girl gets eaten.] [Cut to: Bridge of spaceship. The CAPTAIN GUY is wearing a bloody apron over his uniform and holding a Luger. ENSIGN NYE (THE SCIENCE GUY) is stuffing a twitching garbage bag into a disposal chute.] CG: It was bad enough that we had to spend a week in the Horrible Black Void of Nonexistence--we come back and the dead are walking the earth! EN(TSG): At least the formaldehyde masks the Cess, sir. CG: True enough. Give me a status report. EN(TSG): The latest batch of scumsuckingnewbies and squires are even more brainless than Croda. With the rate they post their empty-headed drivel, the zombies would never think to look here for more brains. CG: Excellent! What about our battle status? EN(TSG): Goanna managed to outrun the camel-train that delivers his TCP/IP packets, and Croda is still as absent as Panzer Leader's wit. CG: What about Leeo? EN(TSG): He had us going for a while, sir, but I think we'll be able to salvage a major defeat instead of a total. CG: Don't forget who writes your performance evaluation. EN(TSG): Er... stevetherat isn't obviously beating us yet, although he's only scouting so far. CG: Seanachai? EN(TSG): A bit early in the game, but we've taken some heavy losses and are just making contact with his MLR. CG: What about that gamey, alliterative bastard DekeFentle? EN(TSG): He seems to have bought all pillboxes and arty. It's a question of whether he runs out of concrete before we run out of smoke. CG: Doesn't Wildman owe us a rematch? EN(TSG): After the drubbing we gave him? We probably won't hear from him again. CG: Very well. EN(TSG): Incoming signal, sir! CG: Put it on screen. [Cut to: ZOMBIE DOROSH, holding REXFORD's severed head and eating his brain.] ZD: Seeend... more... grogs... [Cut to: Bridge.] CG: Stand by to launch Jason Cawley! Fire! EN(TSG): Grog away, captain! That seems to have distracted them for a moment. CG: Get us out of here! [Cut to commercial] Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace: Trying to get that elusive last word in! Mace<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Good luck with that. Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Panzer Leader: Dont you "Hi Mom!" me you Peng Bastid! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Don't get all snarky with me--Mothers' Day is coming up this weekend. Agua Perdido (Hi, Mom! Hope you like the flowers.)

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Panzer Leader: dipping my intellect into a steaming pit of cess<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Might want to stock up on the quinine, then. Which reminds, who's for a nice gin and tonic? Hi, Mom! Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by stevetherat: Aquine Perplexity and I have hardly started this monster of open canvas but, knowing that flukey best boy of the Devil himself, he will probably come out smelling of roses wearing my guts as a panty hose.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Do you know how difficult it is to chop intestines into a serviceable pair of fishnet hose? You practically have to resharpen your pinking shears every other snip. But I can save that for turn three or four--in the meantime SEND ME A FECKIN' TURN! (Unless it's actually my turn, in which case, REMIND ME TO SEND A FECKIN' TURN!) In other pre-weekend UPDATES: Seanachai is being very encouraging as he kills all my attackers. He can afford to be--he bought mines. Mines! MINES! Invective is insufficient, so I'll leave you all to contemplate his perfidy with no further descriptions. (MINES!!) I'm fumbling around in Leeo's spoiling barrage and whittling away his defenders one by one. Hopefully I'll finish before I run out of either time or attackers. DekeFentle bought pillboxes. He's probably also bought mines. MINES! I'm beginning to develop a grudging respect for Wildman. No, not for his tactical ability--I'm currently humiliating him by killing and disabling his armor with a legion of spitwad-wielding schoolgirls (down, Stuka!)--but because he plays CM at work. I think he's trying to get me fired. Gamey bastard. Goanna is MIA. Either that or the Bedu tribesman who delivers their snail-mailed Internet packets out there in Oman has taken the week off. Or maybe it's still my turn, I can't recall. In any case, PLS FIX OR DO SOMEFINK. Which brings us to Croda. YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION. YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME. Ahem. Send me a feckin' turn. Ya brainless prat. Woot. Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: I just naturally assumed that anyone who CHOSE a handle of "boy_Recon" did so for a reason.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Perhaps it's his job description. He might provide some competition for Bauhaus. Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mensch: what an election? great! I'm all for it.. [...etc...] [ 05-09-2001: Message edited by: mensch ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I can't help but wonder what the edit was. UPDATES Death! Explosions! Whining! I'm attacking in many of my games, and in some of them I'm killing the other guy somewhat. In other of my games, my opponents are playing slower than I return a DekeFentle setup, likely because they are brainless prats (COUGHCrodaCOUGH). I forget what's happening in those games, although I'm probably winning decisively. There may be snow involved. Agua Perdido [Edited to say, "Leeo, you worthless wanker, if you can stop to read the mensches, you can SEND ME A FECKIN' TURN!" I think reading his campaign speech has injured my cognition (such as it was...)] [ 05-09-2001: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]

My, such a busy weekend. Nice to see a return to the classics. Perhaps Seanachai can revisit his old post about catamites, a classic from one of the first pages of the Old Thread. I'm sure the inevitable influx of scumsuckingnewbies will bring it to mind. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Abbot: In the interest of playing another game in this despicable place I call you out Agua Perdido. As I am sure you already know, I do not posses the ability (yet) to write to you a fitting “Peng” challenge. However I do say sir that I would enjoy very much adding you to my growing list of helpless victims.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Polite, to the point, self-depracting--a worthy supplication in Polite PBEM Society. Altogether unacceptable. ("Unacceptable!") <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by chrisl: I demand that Aquaman not sent you a setup until you can at least be a little abrasive.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Too true, and chrisl's a rocket scientist, you know. I nearly gave Abbot a game just to spite him, but... <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Abbot: A repeat from the Witty challenged..<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Abbot, Abbot, Abbot. I want to play you--I do. But a fella's got to have standards on the Mutha Beautiful Thread, especially if they're arbitrary, capricious, and inconsistent. Like an irritating rash, you're persistent. But you don't actually itch enough to bother scratching. To belabor this analogy a bit further, you'll have to get considerably more like a case of hives for me to demand the hydrocortisone cream of a setup. Go and grab the thistle by the nettles, lad! Post it here to rub it in our faces until our eyes swell up so grotesquely that we can't see, and we choke on our own mucous. Be unkind. Be ungenerous. Be specific. Which reminds me: Updates The irretrievably-bent DekeFentle declared "no ubers" in our current game, then bought a bunch of veteran 88 pillboxes. I suppose he meant "no moving ubers." Leeo and I have settled back into the drudgery of ongoing attrition after our one turn of excitment. Only 15 turns to go. That unrepentent cheater Seanachai is toying with me on the most rigged map imaginable. By applying the firepower of a whole battalion, I've managed to get nearly an entire squad across the open space leading up to village containing the VLs. Then it's on to the house-to-house fighting, where I'll finally have the advantage (relative to the approach, at least). Croda (who is a brainless prat) is still MIA, however... Goanna has taken his place as bringer of bad weather. Our rematch is at night, in snow. I hate snow! I hate fighting at night! I especially hate fighting at night in snow! BUT I REALLY HATE GOANNA! I'll keep on with our game of hide-and-go-dead just so I can take a few of his spotty geckos down with me. Last (and certainly least) is Wildman. That daft git has hacked the CM code in a most peculiar way: the map is a hilly village with interesting terrain, but the VLs are way off on the side, away from any of said interesting terrain. Just like Wildman, it's a showcase of unrealized potential. Agua Perdido [ 05-07-2001: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer: I'd bet you work at EPA except you're not clever enough to be a GS-11.[1]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> That was bafflingly weak, even for you. You could have made a crack about looking for one's daddy at 8th & I [1*], or plying one's trade as a crackwhore at the end of the Green Line [5], or even a "bent page" reference [Q]. Heck, if you're going to go on about GS levels, you could have at least made a gibe about not owning nice enough pens to ever make SES [#]. No clever plays on local knowledge, witty turns on ins-and-outs (Bauhaus!) of government service, or even insults towards Maryland. But, no--instead it's only an obsession with toilet seat covers. Go with what you know, I guess. I suppose I should be thankful we weren't treated to more of your tiresomely-delusional "I am somehow important because of my government job mopping the floor of the cafeteria in the Air & Space musuem" chest-thumping. Agua Perdido Notes (for PawBroon's benefit) [1] GS levels are government job grades. GS-11 is roughly where a fresh college grad would start, so Lawyer's taunt essentially translates as "I would think you worked for the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), but I don't think you graduated from college." A Cesspooligan being accused of working for the EPA has a certain irony, but I'm pretty sure that was unintentional on Lawyer's part. [1*] 8th & I is the address of the Marine Barracks in SE Washington, DC. The implication would be that of either promiscuous homosexuality or bastardy (not that there's anything wrong with either, as Lawyer could certainly testify) and that the Marines were a hotbed of repressed homosexuality and/or irresponsible sexual conduct. Lawyer thereby could have gotten in a dig at Berli and Gyrene, too. Of course, asking him to kill even one bird with two stones would be too difficult, much less the reverse. [5] The Green Line is a subway line whose southern half is in an area of DC that hasn't undergone gentrification, to put it diplomatically. But I'm sure Lawyer's "supervisor" has him plying his avocation on a well-lit street corner, so not to worry. [Q] A reference, of course, to the sex scandal involving Congressional pages from a while back. Ask Lawyer about his "apprenticeship" (did you know that Mace used to be a U.S. Senator before he was deported to Oz?). [#] SES is the Senior Executive Service, which are government executive job grades that start just above the highest GS grades. There is a DC stereotype of the high-level GS who aspires to become SES, and purchases accessories like expensive pens and shirts with french cuffs to "look the part." And I'm sure that Lawyer's Cross matching-pen-and-pencil set looks smashing between the mop and pail of his, er, "mobile work station." It'll probably get him responsibility for an extra "Caution, floor wet" sign in this year's performance review. [Edited to make me clever enough to be a GS-11.] [ 05-04-2001: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted (undoubtedly while quaking in fear) by Lawyer: Agua Perdido lives somewhere on the East Coast...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You poor simp... I live and work Inside the Beltway. Getting warmer lately, huh? Be seeing you, Agua Perdido [Edited to add creepy peering-through-the-a-ok-sign salute.] [ 05-04-2001: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by harpooner: [Tepid, misformatted tripe.]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Will someone please change Hamsters'/Meeks' dosage to make this manifestation be more interesting? Even Wildman posts better stuff than this, plus he formats quotes correctly. (Speaking of which, where the feck's my setup that was supposedly "on the way" last night? Get cracking, junior bird-man.) Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mark IV: See the perdidiot by the door.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> That's Sir Perdidiot now, thank you very much. Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mark IV: tri-tip... How I despise it, here, and him. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You chitterlin-chewing culinary wastrel. Denigrate tri-tip, will you, just because it's slow-roasted in a 55-gallon drum on a beach by a machinist or an agricultural laborer? Serve it in a French restaurant with some bearnaise and they'd call it Chateaubriand and hit you for $57 a plate. I've had Chateaubriand, I've had tri-tip (slow-roasted in a 55-gallon drum on a beach by a machinist who races hot-rodded Ford Pintos on the weekends), and you, sir, are no 55-gallon drum (except in terms of making a hollow "booonnngg" sound when struck on the head with a ball-peen hammer). Neither are you even a hot-rodded Ford Pinto (except for your reputed tendancy to burst into flame when rear-ended (Bauhaus! Put down that Chilton manual. No, it doesn't have a centerfold.)). I seem to have lost track of my point in all of this, except that now I'm hungry for BBQ, and all I have for breakfast is yogurt and a banana. Maybe I can improvise a hibachi out of paperclips and this stainless steel commuter mug... I can probably make charcoal out of the waste paper in the recycling bin if I cook it in the office toaster long enough... But, I digress. Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Wildman: ...small, pathetic posts on bbq.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> No post on bbq can be pathetic, however small. You insult the Hierarchy of Beef (and Associated Meats)! What next? A claim that rambling about Guinness is pointless? Insisting that we should not discuss bourbon or single-malt scotch whiskey? Demanding that we post while sober?! It is high time we crossed metaphorical swords, Wildman, so I can beat you down like the mangy dog you are. I will meet you, mongrel, where you dare, when you dare, and with what you dare. And when I am done crushing you, I shall make you eat veggie-burgers. And armornut, appreciation of Santa Maria-style BBQ marks you as a man of distinction (at least in terms of meats--I have plenty of unkind things to say about your posting style if I ever get around to it). I lived on the Central Coast for many years before moving out east. It's hard to find tri-tip out here. Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by armornut: I would like the beer idea, but the brat idea bites.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You dare impugn the holy mother Bratwurst?! Heathen! Apostate! Communist! I suppose you'd rather sup on a hot dog or maybe a nice soy patty or somefink. Stand away from the Weber, you cad--it's BBQ season and I've no time for your heresy! [Places nice ribeye on the grill, where it sizzles satisfyingly.] Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer: Who is this "Wildman" guy?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I think he's the one who lured in Armornut so he'd seem eloquent by comparison. Free beer and brats in the EW threads, by the way. Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Admiral Keth: ...leaving a trail of brats and stouts from the other thread. Brats? Stouts? Anyone?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Oh, me! I'll fire up the BBQ and we'll grill 'em real nice. Love a good Imperial stout--the Guinness is a bit thin for me. Anyone bring mustard? Hi, Mom! Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by harpooner: I still have a thesaurus!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Let me get this straight: your latest "taunt" is accusing people of being from South Pacific paradises? And Saipan isn't in the South Pacific, you twit. Ask your parents for an atlas. In happier (for me) news, I am pleased to announce my utter topplement of Goanna. Thanks to a little collusion from the auto-purchaser (but taking nothing away from my splendid tactical execution and the unter-lizard's pathetic attempts to resist), I have spitted the scaly beast on a bayonet, roasted him over over a Bedu's campfire, and tossed his bones into the Gulf of Aden after feeding his gamey flesh to a camel. By the numbers: Handsome, virile fascist thugs (me) 5 casualties (1 KIA) 31 men OK Score: 97 Limp, pommie pantywaists (him) 31 casualties (10 KIA) 8 captured 2 vehicles KOed 0 men OK Score: 3 Axis Total Victory Lorak! Let it be written: Agua Perdido: Ringing triumph of arms (not at all due to luck-o-the-autopurchase in a tiny, unbalanced scenario, so put that right out of your mind) and Yet Another Brilliant Victory for well-mixed dry Manhattans (a great dessert! ask Mom for one tonight!), the proliferation of automatic electric trouser presses (to refresh the crease in one's slacks and take the wrinkles out of one's seat, that is--er... never mind: Bauhaus, have at it), excessive parenthetical asides (accept no substitute!) and (as always) the Implied Threat of Mormon Wives. Goanna: Enforced exile to Borneo, with no tasty fruit-flies on which to munch. In other UPDATES!: Leeo and I have traded TDs, and his Mark IV reigns as King of the Hill. So far, its first imperial decree has been to sit around and do nothing. Minor infantry skirmishing continues. Croda is still a brainless prat. Seanachai and I have finished our setup and embarked on the staggeringly-uneventful opening turn. Let me describe the map this cheating, code-altering fiend has somehow manipulated the game into producing: all the VLs concentrated in a dense clump of large heavy buildings, surrounded by small heavy buildings, all on the reverse slope of a ridge with no cover whatsoever on it, with wooded heights behind it, as if he needed even-more-dominating overwatch positions. As it is, I may not be able to double-time my men all the way across the enormous map to even get to this contrived setup before the clock runs out. stevetherat is back from vacation, although you certainly wouldn't be able to tell by the amount of turns he's sent since(which is none, by the way). Perceptive readers have by now realized that I've managed to finish an entire game with Goanna without returning DekeFentle's setup file. He's even started offering advice on how to organize my units. A weaker man might feel guilty at having rudely kept an opponent waiting so long for no reason. A cynical reader might perceive a certain hesisitancy or even command paralysis on my part at managing a larger force than I'm used to. I, however, figure that if I hold out another week or two, I can get him to surrender in frustration without actually playing. Contempt for all of note, and no notice for the others, Agua Perdido [Edited because it's before 10AM.] [ 05-02-2001: Message edited by: Agua Perdido ]

Hi, Mom! (And I'd put one in the third new Peng thread, too, but who the feck's the scum-sucking newbie that started that one up? It's bad enough that Lawyer did one, but at least he's consiglieri.) <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Marlow: Standing Orders, Roger's Rangers [/QB]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I can't believe you said 'roger' without admonishing Bauhaus. You don't suppose his great-great-etc-grandpa was in that outfit? Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer: You know the rules...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Hi, Mom! (I know, it's a dozen or so pages early for this, but I wanted to show solidarity with the Fantastic Things about CM thread.) Agua Perdido

Hi, Croda! Now, send me a fecking turn so I can finish killing you. Agua Perdido

Just this morning there was a bit on NPR about Roget (of thesaurus fame) and how he would cringe at the way his creation is used to molest the English language. I'm sure that when any scent of the various idjit newbies' postings (more properly: com-postings) wafts past his grave, his corpse spins faster than James Carville. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai: Ahem.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Good on ya, mate (as the aussiemandians say). Now that was a proper way to start the day. Long-winded, windy, winding.... After a few paragraphs, it made me want to put my own eyes out so I wouldn't have to keep reading it. Speedbump, welcome to the family. You'll find Joe Shaw a benevolently sadistic master, full of warm intentions and vile imprecations. Possibly the other way around. Anyhow, be a good lad and fetch me a bucket of striped paint and a left-handed smoke shifter from behind the stable. I've also been mixing up a batch of soap from an extract of castor beans, why don't you use it to clean up? Of course you don't need gloves... UPDATES! Well, hardly anything to report, since I've been slacking off on all my games and most of the opponents I've been slacking on are gibbering twits who deserve no notice from me, much less turns. At any rate... The AI seems to be continuing OpLiz on its own, as my uber-random mini-QB with Goanna gave me a SMG platoon and a StuG and him a Brit pioneer platoon and a Stuart V! Oh, the pain. At least it continued the embarassment by putting a large heavy building on my side of the map where it dominates the VL and a flimsy carboard lean-to at the end of an open field on his side of the VL. One of my men tripped on a paving stone and skinned his knee, so at least it won't be 100-0. Leeo is a prating dullard, but I might actually respond to a move today. I'm tempted to make him wait another week, but I love showdowns and my lone armor is facing off with a Hetzer and a PzIV, each on a hilltop in its own corner of the map. Probably everyone will pop smoke and nothing'll happen. Our game is just that exciting... stevetherat can look forward to actually getting his setup back from me in the next day or two. I'm making him wait extra as a birthday present. Bastard. Seanachai is next in line (he actually said he might not be able to reply to my move until yesterday. Heh. I haven't even opened his file... ehheeeheh) for a multi-company-size attack. I note he's taken the Brits; years of public school attendance has hardened their ears so that they'll be able to take his orders without dozing or pulling their own heads off in protest. Croda? He still hasn't moved. He's still losing. He's still a brainless prat. I'll probably be a kaaaaannniggit by the time he sends another turn. DekeFentle is last in line (as he must be in most things, I imagine). He gave me the attack, and the map is, predictably, another pool table. I'll set that one up Real Soon Now. Scorn for the rest of you louts, the literate ones, at least. Can't be bothered with the rest. Agua Perdido

COUGHbumpCOUGH Hmm.. my bile is a bit phelgmy today. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw: I tell you friends it was glorious.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well played, sir. We can double-team 'im once your rematch is underway. Agua Perdido

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by stevetherat: ...what greets me when I spend a serious amount of hard-earned greenbacks pressing that 'Connect' button? Disrespect and derision.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Right--instead of the warm personal validation we all expect and deserve as individuals here in the Cesspool. C'mon everyone! We need to help stevetherat actualize his person-hood. Group hug! Just let me grab my Bowie knife, first... Agua Perdido