Agua Perdido

No, that implies a good half-a-wit more than you've displayed thusfar. I was talking about Leeo, who at least manages to say something mildly unflattering if you poke him with a sharp stick five or six times. You would be more like "the new idjit lackwit who can't manage the simplest 'Pool protocol of singling out a particular Cesspooligan with some particularly vicious abuse to taunt him/her/they/it into a game, but instead posts bland pleasantries to the 'Pool as a whole (and not even to the 'Pool as a hole)." And don't pat yourself on the back about getting a game with that slut(s) Hamsters (unless you've got a big bottle of tetracycline). Now, cash in yer cedar chips and bugger off to the main board with the rest of the polite people. Speaking of the new halfwit: Sorry, I thought you were too busy loitering in the nether regions of the bouncy, trouncy and flouncy to actually PLAY SOME FRIGGIN' CM, ya knee-biter. You'll get nothing, and like it! Now quite yer whinin', or I'll replace the fine QB we normally serve with dark, sparkling Folger's Crodaburg. Mmmm! Good to the last retch. Agua Perdido [Edited because voluntarily typing the word "Crodaburg" caused severe convulsions.] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 03-23-2001).]

Yes, it has been a while... thanks for reminding me. [setting: Space. A plastic spaceship model floats against the www.hamsterdance.com background animation. You can almost see the wire.] [Cut to: Bridge of spaceship. The incredibly annoying "hamsterdance" background music (ie, that bizarre Roger-Miller-meets-The-Chipmunks version of "Do-Wack-A-Doo") plays at high volume. The CAPTAIN GUY is pounding on his control panel with his fist, while ENSIGN NYE (THE SCIENCE GUY) sits calmly at his station, wearing a pair of airport-runway-worker-style hearing protectors.] CG: Dammit! How do you shut this crap off! EN(TSG): Everyone seems to have left this incarnation of the Cesspool Sector, sir. CG: Then gets us the hell out of here--hey, how can you hear me with those earmuffs on? EN(TSG): I have a copy of the script. [bridge scene dissolves in cheesy Video Toaster effect.] [iris in to: Space. The plastic spaceship model now faces the other direction, and is floating over a half-crushed box of van De Kamp's chocolate donuts (you can definitely see the wire).] [Cut to: Bridge of spaceship. The CAPTAIN GUY is eating a chocolate donut while ENSIGN NYE (THE SCIENCE GUY) monitors his instruments.] CG: Stabtus ribhbutt! EN(TSG): Don't give orders with your mouth full, sir. CG (swallowing his donut): Shut up and give me a status report! EN(TSG): We have arrived in the Holland system, Captain. CG: The last known location of Cesspool sector! EN(TSG): Very expository of you, sir--incoming message from the Hollanders! [Cut to: viewscreen. An irate HOLLANDER appears, looking very much like vacation video footage of the "dutch kids" in the It's a Small World ride.] H: There's more to our system than hookers, cannabis, tulips and dikes, you know! CG: I think we might stay here a while. EN(TSG): No sign of the Cesspool here, sir. CG: Dammit! Set a course for the nearest Peng's Gamelicious Drive-Thru; I'm feeling a bit peckish. EN(TSG): Aye-aye, sir. [Wipe to: Table outside a fast food restaurant. A piece of white posterboard with "Peng's Gamalishus Drive-thru" written on it is leaning against the table. The CAPTAIN GUY and ENSIGN NYE (THE SCIENCE GUY) are eating Big Macs. You can see the McDonald's PlayLand in the background.] CG: I should have known we'd find the Cesspool sector in this gamey-tasting place. What's our battle situation? EN(TSG): We're still waiting for a setup for our rematch with stevetherat, who will undoubtedly die like the dog he is when he finally gets around to it. CG: Very good. What about Seanachai? EN(TSG): Even his turns are over-written. His gamey motorized infantry is stumbling in our direction, though we mulched one squad that stumbled a bit too close. CG: DekeFentle? EN(TSG): Hasn't been around the 'Pool or sent a turn in a while, even though the map is gamey crap. CG: Is Croda still a brainless prat? EN(TSG): Aye, sir. He even fiddled with our email to make it look like we sent him the wrong file. CG: He'll die all the same. What about that new halfwit? EN(TSG): His setup is still in committee, but we'll get it out to him Real Soon Now [EN(TSG) winks at "Real Soon Now." CAPTAIN GUY laughs. ANNOYING KID wanders into the shot.] AK: Can I have a fwench fwie? CG [shoves AK roughly]: Get the hell out of the shot! EN(TSG): Everyone wants to be a star, sir. CG [shaking head]: We only have enough tape for one take. [ANNOYING KID'S ANGRY MOM storms into the shot, grabs the CAPTAIN GUY by shirt front.] AKAM: What the hell are you doing pushing my kid? I outta wring your neck! Police! [EN(TSG) stomps on AKAM's foot. AKAM yelps, tears off front of CG's uniform and stumbles backward.] CG: Run like hell! EN(TSG): Like our game with Seanachai? CG: Shut UP! [Exeunt] [cut to commercial] Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Look at the people who stay here... Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

You guess? You guess it was a weak attempt?! Good guess, but I'm not sure it even rated as an "attempt." Oh, please do. The directions you got (ie, "insult someone") seemed reasonably accurate, now let's see how much success you have with it. Well, lessee.... addressed to the whole thread, mentions tripe (speaking of gamey tastes, although he does nothing with it), and ends weakly (after beginning and middling weakly, too). I can't even bring myself to lambast you; your own pathetic words need no adornment (although I'm sure you're also a malodorous git who couldn't even kick Croda's butt if we gave you new combat boots and a map to his ass... hey, I can bring myself to lambast you!). Go back to the main board, sport. Don't play in the Cesspool unless you can insult someone specific and SOUND OFF LIKE YA GOTTA PAIR. Agua Perdido [Edited because my utter disbelief at this naif caused me to make a formatting error.] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 03-22-2001).]

The only reason I'm not heaping disparagement upon this incredibly limp offer (which doesn't even rise to the level of "challenge") is that your handle may be an homage to the great comic duo who graced the channel 9 Saturday Morning movies of my youth (and gave Ella Fitzgerald one of her first movie roles). Now run long before some philistine comes by who doesn't appreciate Bud & Lou or I begin to suspect you of being an ecclesiatic. In fact, the ecclesiatic in my socks is starting to get a bit saggy... Agua Perdido Heeyy Abbb-bboottt!! [*mugs wildly*] [Edited to remove stray toenail clippings.] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 03-22-2001).]

Shaddup, ya pissboy serf. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Spare me your gamey conciliatory rhetoric, you edge-hugging, jeep-reconning, file-hacking, cheating bastard! How dare you be humble in defeat. I demand satisfaction for this egregious insult--send me a setup this instant, you dastardly mongrel. And speaking of sending, make with the surrender file, already. Given your level of play, I can see where you might not know how (the computer probably surrenders for you in most games), so RTFM! Lorak, let it be written: Agua Perdido: Glorious, crushing victory due to brilliant execution of masterful attack plan, in spite of having a force of only 3 homesick Iowa farmboys armed with a single toothpick among them. (Plus some arty and armor and some other vicious, rabid Iowa farmboys bristling with firearms.) stevetherat: Humiliating, ignoble surrender, despite gamey German paras, supported by gamier 81mm FOs and MGs and ultra-gamiest uber-Marders. (Marders! What sort of crap ahistorical OOB is that?) In other news, long-absent Major Tom has also conceded my mastery of our game, as he has surrendered his pathetic Canadians, stripped of their armor and pinned in the woods well short of the VLs by my defenders. I'm not sure if this is one for the books, but he was still listed on the Cesspool Site when I last checked, so: Agua Perdido: Brilliant defensive triumph. Major Tom: Disgraceful surrender showing palpable lack of will (and wit (and possibly too much schoolwork)--no wonder we don't seem him around anymore). {My mistake--Major Tom's Cesspool membership has lapsed, the stupid git, so please disregard the above mention of his topplement by my forces.} Death is also in store for the rest of you gibbering twits I'm playing--Real Soon Now. Agua Perdido [Edited because Major Tom is a worthless toad.] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 03-21-2001).]

Well, I am sending to France, you dullard. Once they've used their down-home good looks and excess luxury goods to woo away your uber-troops' fancy-ladies, your morale will collapse and I will win without firing a shot. You can send your alt-U after I finish my setup. Agua Perdido [Edited because I haven't said anything bad about Croda (who is a complete fenderhead) in several days.] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 03-18-2001).]

Yeah, but I could just send a screenshot of whatever setup I'm claiming to use, then switch the settings to whatever I want to before making the setup. Err... that is, one could do such a thing. In theory. I think. Not that I would. Roger that, sir (as in "I understand," Bauhaus, not... er... something else). It's easier to kill 'em, instead. Speaking of which: stevetherat is dying like a gallant gentleman, braving fighting as best as he can under determined infantry assualt, pummeling from direct-fire HE, and a withering artillery barrage. He's holding out like a real trooper, with hardly a word of complaint and even nice things to say about my devastatingly-superior tactics. Does the 'Pool need further proof that he is a GAMEY CHEATING BASTARD!? SAVE YOUR GOOD WILL FOR THE DEVIL, YOU TURD! YOU DESERVE NO MERCY, AND BY PENG'S GALL-BLADDER (IF PODS HAVE GALL-BLADDERS) YOU SHALL HAVE NONE! I've already got my bailed tank crew carving your men's bones into decorative flutes which will be smashed with hammers after the battle, and the supply train is moving up the sausage machine. Croda and I are battling in the snow. I blew up a building with my Mortars of Culinary Vengeance. He's shooting me, I'm shooting him. I still hate snow. Not as much as I hate Croda, but it's getting close. Seanachai is a gamey maneuverist who is advancing his men just as quickly as mine are running away. I can still get to the map-edge first, you wank. DekeFentle is almost as much of a gamey, cheating bastard as stevetherat. He somehow hacked into the moderate-trees-moderate-hills setup file I made and edited the map so that all the trees were packed around the VLs, and there was a large, coverless pool table between them and my setup zone. I have knocked down a farmhouse and am running my men around in circles as a counter-tactic. Leeo and I have arranged a fair setup, but I'm sure he's going to send me gamey crap. I'm allied, so I plan on getting an M334A2 steamroller (the diesel-powered export-only version) to crush him flat, plus an M764A3E8-HVSS backhoe to bury him. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Now *this* got a chortle out me. Let no newbie be so new he can't find some newer newbie to berate. And the wheel of abuse turns and turns... Ya got heart, kid, and I look forward to ripping it out of your chest via your left nostril with a plumber's snake and a pair of dirty vise-grips. (No, Bauhaus, not vice-grips... put that down.) Send me a setup. 1000 or less, other parameters to you. This was mildy amusing the first 287 times you used it. Never do it again. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Get bent, you de-feathered shuttlecock[1]. You have to leave the geometry of naughty bits aside to construct a good taunt. There's no value added in thinly-rehashed "thingy" jousting[2]. Now put up something with venom and originality or go home. Agua Perdido Notes: [1] No, this is not something requiring admonition of Bauhaus, but rather a casting of Leeo as a useless gutta-percha nub, insufficient even for smacking around in a dainty game like badminton. [2] Almost certainly something that requires admonition of Bauhaus, although we leave it as an exercise to the reader. ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

You seem to be off your meds. By my understanding of things (which seems less enthusiastic than yours on this particular matter), one cannot display one's "nether regions" while lying prostrate. I believe one must be recumbent to do so. Take your lithium, lad--moderating the manic extremes may improve your cognition. Now, you'll have to improve if you want a spot on my schedule. The broccoli-and-cheese-sauce one was better than this (even though it was obviously a store-bought frozen side-dish, and not made fresh). Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

We were talking tempura, you dirt-palated KFC-aficionado, not fondue. If you can't keep your methods of immersion-cooking straight, then you have no chance in the deadly a la carte menu of the Cesspool. The Red Chef can not save you here, lad. Mind you, the "I'll show you who's your FryDaddy" at the end of your otherwise-flavorless post shows that you are not entirely without promise, however utterly unrealized it must be. I will consider a game if you can come up with a more consistent taunt (or if I can use it as a means to further disparage Croda). Your Zagat Ratings: F-7, D-4, S-5 Agua Perdido [Edited to remind Croda that if he has enough energy to rant about how he's doing in games where I'm not blasting the snot out of him with my Mortars of Culinary Vengeance, he can fecking well send me a fecking turn!] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 03-16-2001).]

My, such a busy evening in the Peng Challenge Thread... Yes, well, thanks for the affirmation and the opprobrium. As Seanachai pointed out, the knight/squire relationship sullies both parties and the 'Pool as hole (more of a stinking pit really, but we'll use 'hole' as a term of art), as aptly demonstrated here. You expect me to quail at the thought of a match with Foobar? Even if he manages the laughably improbably task of defeating me, you might expect a lock of my hair by the 4th millenium, with additional installments to follow at regular intervals. To keep up with his pace of play, I'll have to downgrade my CPU to an adding machine and switch my ISP to a smoke-signal connection. Well, you did manage to follow 'Pool protocol enough to single someone out and say something not-nice about him (even if it was yourself). However, your taunts are soggy pieces of overcooked broccoli coated in Shake 'n' Bake that are trying to pass as the delicately-battered tempura of True Taunting. Try to get your taunts more al dente, and consider buying a FryDaddy. Agua Perdido [Edited to remove spilled soy sauce.] [Further edited because I seem to be channeling Croda with my typing.] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 03-16-2001).] [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 03-16-2001).]

Mooncalf? Mooncalf?! Mooncalf. Mooooooncalf. Mooncaaaalllfff. Hrm. [shrugs] Bring it on, evilboy (or evilboy's lackey, as the case may be). I get junk mail that's more formidable than you. (Damn paper cuts... ooooh, Val-Pak coupons!) Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION. (Personally, I find it hard not to be patronizing when speaking to a simp like Croda.) SOMEBODY SET US UP THE BOMB! Today's updates involve: arty, arty, and arty. (I've even got Artie Shaw's version of "Frenesi" going through my head while I write.) Seanachai has cleverly fallen into my trap by stopping to slay my fleeing defenders while I dump a wheel-barrow full of mortar fire on his head. Croda and I continue to flounder in the snow, but I'm in the nice, warm buildings and he's out playing in the fields of fire-for-effect. I quite considerately set one of his buildings aflame to help avert the looming energy crisis (provides warmth, plus it's one less building to heat). I think he's responding with his own mortar fire, but I can't tell what his target is--it's certainly nothing of mine. Maybe he's snuck some troops around to my flanks and they require his signature Crodastic leadership barrage. I'm searching for stevetherat's remaining defenders using recon-by-fire. I think they're in some woods by the VL, but I won't know for sure until I blast one of their corpses high enough so I can see it over the trees. I'll bring a strainer to recover the bodies for burial. As for DekeFentle, I've been shamefully slow in finishing my deployment. The file doesn't hold my interest because there's no arty falling yet. I suppose the sooner I get it done, the sooner I can start shelling him. Hey, now that's motivational! I'll send it tonight. Agua Perdido [Edited to include better treeburst graphics] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 03-14-2001).]

Much as it pains me to agree with stevetherat, he is right, you know. (Speaking of which, where the feck's my file? I sent you the last turn hours ago. Even Seanachai responded more quickly--this time.) And I'm not just saying that because I'm contractually required to do so as Joe Shaw's squire. Speaking of which, the spring rains are coming, liege. I've had some piano movers help me build a new awning for your patio out of an old concert grand. Just stand right there on the "X"--that's the spot. Now tug on that rope to adjust the angle... Agua Perdido [Edited to adjust a stuck pulley.] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 03-13-2001).]

Fer criminy's sake... Look, sparky, this is the PENG CHALLENGE thread (in spite of Geier bollocksing up the title), not the DEKEFENTLE, PLEASE MEET NAJA IN THE MENS ROOM OF THE REST STOP ON HWY 40 thread. Sod your puppy-dog adulation, you punter. Post up with some bilious vitriol (or even vitriolic bile) of your own or bugger off. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

[sniff] That I should precipitate such ill feeling between two Cesspool members... [wipes tear of joy from cheek] I'm a bit overcome... Here, I've baked a bundt cake for you both (of course, Joe Shaw, my generous, benevolent, etc sponsor, shall have the first piece). Never mind the bitter almond smell. That's just the... er... unsweetened marzipan... really, it's quite alright. Eat up, you'll need your strength. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Well, you did manage to say something that I presume you meant to be insulting while also demanding a game (saying "I fling da gauntlet" on its own isn't enough). I'm tempted to further demand that you employ literary allusions, offbeat metaphors, or at least a menschian fit of inspired gibberish ("inspired" being the key word--all of your gibberish has been pretty pedestrian to this point). But I won't. In fact, Croda mailed me last night to pimp his pet scenario for a match between us (not unlike he--no, it's too easy). I will grant you a game, specifically so I can not play Crodaburg with you. Expect a setup tomorrow or Sunday. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Whatsisname has to challenge me properly, first. Even in the unlikely event he were able to come up with enough witty vituperatives for me to notice, I sure wouldn't pick a deranged abortion of a scenario like Crodaburg. (Unless you've fixed it so my side would be exclusively pillboxes, mines and jabos in true Hamsters fashion.) Besides, if you want a proper Battle o' the Network Squires, it'll have to be on a night/fog map full of conscript volkssturm and green frenchies, starring Jaye P. Morgan. The old ways are best. GONG! Agua Perdido [Edited to add an uncomplementary reference to Croda.] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 03-08-2001).]

Dammit, I leave the Peng Thread unattended for a few pages/religious schisms and it all goes to crap. Or stays there. Whatever. Updates: I let stevetherat kill one of my tankettes to flush out his paper-armored Marders. One exploded quite nicely when the tankette's big brother peeked out. I 'zook-slapped the other one and butchered the crew to serve as an example to the rest of his cowering defenders. Now I can bring up my reserves and put the real hurt on. Croda is shelling random patches of woods (although I think he's stopped shelling himself) and shooting up churches. I think he took being labeled an anti-Pope personally. Did I mention that I hate fighting in snow? BTS, pls fix or do somefink. Seanachai has made contact with my stout defenders on our micro-map, and will soon get a taste of dee-fense, American style. I can't quite make out his units in the gloom, but I'm sure they're gamey crap. He may already be cheating. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Are you sure that killing yourself isn't an option? Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Damned fruit flies. We need to spray the 'Pool with Malathion™ again. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Yawn. How nice. Bugger off, now. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!