Agua Perdido

The "old" BBs weren't completely useless in the PTO--they did the majority of the shore bombardment. Jesse Oldendorf's TF of Pearl Harbor survivors was regarded as better at the job than Willis Lee's new "fast" BBs, which spent most of their time chasing around with the CVs. Plus, the "old" BBs blasted the heck out of a smaller Japanese force at Surigao Strait, slow or not. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

You got a purty mouth. Now squeeeeeeel! Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

I'm trying to wage a bloody battle of attrition, but you keep parcelling out your defenders at 1-to-3 odds like a bass-ackwards maneuverist (down, Bauhaus!). I think your hair is pulling too hard on what passes for your brain. The only thing you've got surrounded is the stash of crack you must be smoking when you plot your moves. And my doughty GIs only drink bourbon, you lace-cuffed fop. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

That's "not yet losing" to me. (Croda and I are slogging our way through an all-infantry, all-para ME slog-fest in snow. I HATE SNOW! I figure we'll be able to get to the VLs by about turn 10, but that hasn't stopped Croda from dropping mortars on his own troops to spur them on. Are these the 'strategies' you've been busy pondering?) stevetherat has come up with another 81mm FO after I killed his last one and dropped a house on some of his MG teams--but I don't think it'll bring back that FallGuy platoon I'm almost done butchering in the woods (just the pesky ell-tee left to gut... I'd let him live, but he has a compass). Wake up, rat--time to die! Seanachai and I are actually exchanging files at a rate that might finish our game before CM2 comes out. As the great philosopher John Whorfin/Emilio Lizardo said, "Character is what you are in de dark!" It is dark in our game. As for the most recent flurry of newbies, allow me to post my regrets at having been away from the board and unable to disdain each of you individually. Instead, I shall do so collectively (as seems appropriate): Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Britain, eh? Well, I guess I can always have In 'n' Out burgers (sit down, Bauhaus) shipped over here from California. Anyhow: The Western one was regrettable (I blame Croda for it), but I stand by the Sci-Fi as quality meta-parody. You and your icelandic sagas and your aboriginal creation myths and whatnot--your pearls could use a bit of hollow mockery in this sty. I've already sent you a setup, and soon you will be dying-a-lot. And if by some gamey miracle you actually manage to defeat me, you may describe it as an archetypal retelling in the style of VH1: Behind the Music. Now, return my feckin' setup, you paid-by-the-word hack! Heh. Good one, liege. The witless Croda and I are even now preparing to do battle in a lovely snow-covered hamlet with hordes of infantry and lots of bloody house-to-house combat sure to ensue. He's so scared he's recycled his tired "duh, you must be Dennis Miller becuz I don't git ya" thing on poor Andreas. Meanwhile, stevetherat's delusions are becoming more serious, as he persists in believing he is winning our little combat. Just because I stopped to kill some of your blouse-wearing Fallguys cowering in the woods doesn't mean I won't stroll over to the VLs and kill all the rest of your troops, too. You have barely begun to die. A lot. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Right here, your mentoringness. I am indeed an ungrateful and lazy squire (as I am about most things). [AHEM] Ms. Kitty: please note that my sponsor, Joe Shaw has a most handsomely-costumed mug shot already prepared on Lorak's site for inclusion in your promising mod. Thank you for your attention in this matter. Keep it--I'm sure you could use a bath. Very well, then, it shall be 5000 pts ME, max hills and trees, city, small map, random weather & time, and computer-selected "unrestricted" forces (I love having sides with only roadblocks and mortar teams!). Okay, I'm not really sending such a Crodastic setup--I'll forward something painfully generic tonight, just out of spite. Yes, given the size of your "equipment" displayed thusfar in our game, you'd have to warn someone for them to realize you were "shafting" them. Now where the hell's my file, you twit. Thank for your posting to the Peng Challenge Thread. We appreciate all blanket requests for games, especially when phrased politely. However, all of our operators are busy at this time. Your challenge is important to us, so please stay on the line. Tall and tan and young and lovely, The girl from Ipanema goes walkin' And when she passes, each one she passes goes, 'aaah'... Thank you for holding. All our operators are still busy. Your challenge is important to us, so please stay on the line. Ah, but I want her so badly... How can I tell her I love her? 'Cuz each time when she walks to the sea She looks straight ahead, not at me... Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [Edited to further profane Antonio Carlos Jobim] [Edited again because I forgot to pay my ASCAP fees.] [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 02-26-2001).] [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 02-26-2001).]

You bellowed, your cronemongeringness? Slime beneath your boots, eh? You sure you're not just standing on mensch? Ah well, Cesspool muck is all alike. Send 'em on over. Updates: stevetherat and I are exchanging mortar fire and providing the National Arbor Day Foundation with plenty of grist for its next fundraiser letter, but no real contact yet. Major Tom has gone AWOL after my gamey (gamily lucky, that is) Puppchens KOed three of his tanks in one turn and my arty started falling on his infantry spearhead hidden in the trees. Seanachai evidently posts even less than I do these days and has still not responded to my several challenges with a setup. I begin to see why he is so reviled as a slow player in addition to being a long-winded blowhard (sit down, Bauhaus)with only superficial knowledge of Surrealist drama, eye-wateringly bad personal hygeine, and tactical ability that even Croda would disdain. Does my liege need help crossing the street? Yes, it's safe, now. I'm sure that truck can stop in time--the ice on the road helps cool the brakes. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Ooh, I know this one: it's the Daimler Armored Car. Thin armor, but it goes 50mph and has a 40mm gun that can penetrate a PzIV turret front. I think it's 70-80pts. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Let me get this straight: your "insult" is that I'm a negative wit-and-a-half? In case you haven't noticed, wit in the 'Pool is all about being negative (like everyone and everything else in here); you sound like an even bigger fan of mine than Joe Shaw[1]. Here, I'll put it simply: NO GAME IF YOU SAY ME NICE-NICE. ONLY GET SETUP IF YOU SAY ME BAD-BAD. And make it memorable. I've now wasted two posts on you and got not a whit of opprobrium in return[2]. Agua Perdido Notes: [1] Not that there's anything wrong with Joe Shaw being a fan if he's sponsoring me as his squire. While I recall that he has questionable views on cinema, I am willing to tug my forelock, accept SWAYR as JW's best film, and say, "yessirnosir, threebagsfullsir" and the like while spiking his port with strychnine and secretly plotting to unbar the manor door for his enemies. In other words, I promise just as much fealty as you'd expect in the Cesspool. Send the boots right over, sire, and I'll give 'em a good soaking (damn coffee goes right through me...). [2] Unless I've had another Croda-esque brainfart and miscounted, I've finally ditched my juniority. I loath all of you in this fetid place with volcanic intensity for each of the posts I've wasted here. Lorak! Put down the glue for your Spock ears and inscribe my name in the Book of Peng in the "Squires/wannabes/annoying gits who won't go away" column with good Mr. Shaw (and I mean "good" in the most disparaging sense) as my sponsor. ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Get bent, ya pansy[1]. The only thing of mine you'll ever feel is my boot in yer backside. And you won't even get that unless (say it with me, everyone) ya sound off like ya gotta pair. Even a slack-jawed halfwit like Croda (who apparently has half a wit more than you) manages to post things that he apparently intends to be at least vaguely uncomplimentary. Fer criminy's sake, am I the only newbie who bothers to insult the people I challenge? Kids today got no sense of history. Agua Perdido Notes: [1] "Pansy" is not intended as a homophobic perjorative. In this instance, the metaphorical intent is to compare Mirage2k to a flower: brainless and serving no purpose but as a place where whoring bees can be pimped. Like a flower, he is easily destroyed by weather, fungal rot, and romantic teenagers bent on dismembering him to divine the intentions of their lovers. The sexual orientation of the flower, or of Mirage2k, is not an issue. ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [Edited because, like Croda, I can't count.] [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 02-23-2001).]

Seanachai, you ignorant slut. The shark may have pointy teeth, but you wouldn't know a theatrical parallel for the Cesspool if it gutted you with the ****tr hook. "Marat/Sade" may contain the appropriate levels of erotomania, narcolepsy, meta-theatre and wacky inmates-running-the-asylum insouciance, but the Cesspool is about more than Meeks and Mensch. Where's the violence, the vituperation, the vengeance, the viciousness? I'll tell you where, you Andrew-Lloyd-Weber-loving affront to legitimate theatre: in Alfred Jarry's brilliant pre-Dada "Ubu" trilogy. His plays are practically a transcript of the Peng Thread, written 100+ years before its incarnations here. In a very real way, we're all Jarry's Kids (though some take the frothing and spastic twitching more seriously than others COUGHCrodaCOUGH). If you're too chuckleheaded to see that, then, as Pa Ubu would say, "your nut is more feathers than brain, and you've been dreaming of tripe." For your slight of Ubu, I challenge you again Seanachai. Send me a setup, dog-robber, and I'll bash you with the constitution stick and extract your brain by the heels. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

So, do I get to read the credits in a style of Clive's choosing, or what? Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

[setting: Space. A generic spaceship model floats over back-projected footage of gyrating, swimsuit-clad coeds cavorting on a beach. It still has the "MTV Spring Break" logo in the corner.] [Cut to: Bridge of spaceship. The CAPTAIN GUY is wearing an Aloha shirt over his uniform and watching the "Spring Break" footage, while ENSIGN NYE (THE SCIENCE GUY) mixes Mai-Tais.] CG: I like the new Cesspool sector. More babes in bikinis, and less Kraftwerk and men in leather pants. What's our current situation? And don't put so much orgeat in this batch. EN(TSG): Aye, sir. Major Tom's attack hasn't progressed any further and stevetherat is still a horrible, smelly, pus-faced git who uses gamey panzershreck recon and has not yet begun to die. CG: Is Croda still a brainless prat? EN(TSG): I believe so, sir. CG: What about the recent lookie-lous? EN(TSG): We're virtual paragons of mediocrity by comparison, Captain. CG: Excellent. And don't say 'paragon'-- it sounds too much like 'Aragorn.' Any reply to our challenge to Seanachai? EN(TSG): Uh, that was two threads ago, sir. CG: Right, then. Load a new batch of guantlets into the Pseudo-Science Torpedo Flinger and prepare to throw down. [The CAPTAIN GUY and ENSIGN NYE (THE SCIENCE GUY) push buttons and look serious, while a voiceover of the CAPTAIN GUY plays.] CG: Seanachai, you unrepentent pederast and inveterate cat-fancier, I challenge you. You're a stale biscuithead drenched in a gravy of cess, and the chicken-fried steak you come with is definitely off. In fact, I would walk out of any waffle house that served your gustatory equivalent--without even paying for my coffee. Your entry in the Zagat Guide would read something like: I understand you've finally managed to get the string and tin can connected to your computer, so send me a setup. [Fade to black] Agua Perdido [Edited to appease uncaring network weenies with script approval.] [Edited again to further profane the name of Juan Valdez.] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 02-22-2001).] [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 02-22-2001).]

True enough. Now, where did I leave my copy of the Music Man soundtrack? Oh, and stevetherat, for using an unpleasant tone of voice toward me in the FAQ thread and generally being a drooling moron who couldn't find his own ass with both hands, a foot, and a GPS receiver, I'm going to make you wait until I get home from work before I send you your file (which I was going to do anyway). Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

How should one use tanks in bad visibility? Right now I'm playing a canned scenario in a city at night in the snow with many AFVs. In clear weather, I like to send the infantry ahead to scout for AT teams, guns and enemy tanks, with the AFVs standing off to blast buildings or other likely enemy strongpoints. But with a LOS of 60-70m, you're well within bazooka or even PF range before you can start knocking down a building with HE. If you hold the tanks back while the PBI goes in unsupported, the unsuppressed defenders massacre your infantry from under superior cover. Any ideas, or is this one of those "grit yer teeth and take yer lumps" situations? Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Thanks for clearing up the color of my kettle, Mr. Pot. You, sir, are a mangy varlot, a rangy harlot, and I disdain your used-car lot. So, feel pain and die-a-lot! I'd try to make that scan but I have to finish plucking my eyebrows and decalcifying my fingernails (the deposits make typei8ung much har3r4der). Now, who's for a sing-sing-sing? Croda'd wile away the hours Conversing with the flowers Consulting with the bees... With the thoughts that he'd be thinkin' He could be another Lincoln If he only had a brain... Agua Perdido [Edited to further profane the name of Ray Bolger] [Edited to further profane the name of Louis Prima] ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema! [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 02-21-2001).] [This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 02-21-2001).]

Ah, there's no place like the Peng Thread. At the start of every work week, I return from a cess-free weekend to check the goings-on. "Maybe this week someone will have posted something witty," I think to myself. And with the holiday weekend here in the States, I figured for sure that 3 days' worth of effluvia should have at least one chortle-worthy effort. Alas, no. One might as well hope that Croda had a brain, Berli had a heart, Seanachai had courage, or that Chupacabra would stop wearing red sequined pumps in the 'Pool. The closest thing to a joke I found was stevetherat's ludicrous assertion that he was winning our game. Yes, as the defender, you are still camped on the VLs in turn 2. My soon-to-be-killing-you forces are just having a nice nap before wiping you out, since I'm sure they could handle it in their sleep. You will die-a-lot, Real Soon Now. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Yes, you'd better say yer prayers, git; you'll be dead soon enough. At least, you would if you'd quit wankin' and send me a feckin' turn! As for my game with Major Tom: last turn I sicked my pair of Pup-Chiens on his Canucklehead armor. One toyed with a Sherm III, playfully biting off the head of the TC before ripping out its guts through the front upper hull. It chewed off the arm of one of the bailed crew before knocking out a Firefly. The other tore the throat out of another Sherm III with its first shot and then went back to sleep. Meanwhile, that defenseless bird-watcher he killed on turn 1 seems to have some friends... Those are mighty big eggs tree-bursting over your guys in the woods, aren't they? He hasn't even hit my MLR, and already he's dying-a-lot. Seanachai: welcome back, twit. I was tired of being the dullest person in the 'Pool. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Forgive me for interrupting the joust of our knights of the Algonquin Kard Table, jd and Lawyer, but in the "Whither Canada?" spirit of the new 'Pool, allow me this kontribution to Cesskultur: Wenn ist das Nünstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Some of the tungsten confusion in military small arms ammo may come from initiatives to make "green" (ie, environmentally-friendly) ammo. Such ammo would not contain nasty things like lead, and I think tungsten and steel are some of the proposed replacements. I recall hearing about this on some Discovery Channel program that interviewed a Swiss small arms expert who was trying to perfect green, non-tumbling rifle ammo. I also recall hearing about "green ammo" initiatives in the US, although I don't know if any have been implemented or seriously considered. As a slightly related anecdote: in California, a state law requires shops to post signs warning consumers about products that contain dangerous chemicals. I once saw a sign in a sporting goods shop over the ammo display which read, "These products contain lead, a substance known by the State of California to cause birth defects or other reproductive harm." Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Yes, I'm going to eat you for lunch like the half-sandwich you claim to be, then expel your remains on the battlefield to join the blood of your slaughtered troops in fertilizing the soil. "Hurt" hardly begins to describe the scale of stomping you're in for, you blouse-wearing show-tune afficianado. Die-a-lot, real soon. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

I had a bout of stomach flu yesterday. I need hardly belabor the obvious parallels between the 'Pool and a nasty intestinal virus. However, while hunched desparately over the porcelain throne, the noisome swirls of my own sick reminded me of Berlichtengen's hair. I am sure he was in some way responsible (and he probably also paid the airfare for that Ebola carrier who touched down in Canada the other day--beware playing host-country to the 'Pool!). stevetherat: You lookin' for some hurt, you rodent-self-naming, lower-case-personal-reference-using stater-of-the-obvious? Put your shaved lab-mice and rubber tubing aside and come get some! Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Kee-ripes! I take off for the weekend to give my nephew his first go at booze and porn*, and the Pool goes ape-[excrement]! Of course, after the typical day or two of tumult, it's bizness as usual (that business being rather like managing my nephew's dirty nappies, which must be similar to being Seanachai's squire). Pointless game update: Major Tom, gamey [son of unwed parents] that he is, sent me a setup with the flags I am to defend in the bottom of a barren punchbowl, where the moderate tree coverage must apply only to the map edges. So far, his canuckleheads have managed to destroy a barn with tanks and plow some fields with mortars. I'm not sure if he's planning an attack, or a rural redevelopment program. Nice to see Peng back in form. I like pods (especially stir-fried with egg, shrimp, rice noodles and red chili paste). Agua Perdido *He handled the gin just fine, but only drooled on the copy of "[Offensive slang word for a primary female sexual characteristic] [Perjorative term for women]!" that I bought him. I think it was because he was trying to teethe on the glossy paper, not because he was looking at the pictures. ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

I loath you with an all-consuming passion that makes me quiver with rage. Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

Keee-ripes, that's almost as mediocre as some of the crap I post. And as a taunter of limited ability, that's about a cruel a taunt as I can make. Dammit! And I was all set to unfavorably compare the Clash to Heaven 17 and Wall of Voodoo... Agua Perdido ------------------ Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!