Seanachai

You lot! Drag that idjit over here and help me stuff him into the Lord General MB mascot costume. That should take the brass off him.

It's all rather sad, actually. Do you know, Treeburst, I think a number of the lads were falling a bit in love with you. I imagine, tonight, that Grog Dorosh is sitting in a Calgary apartment, cheeks streaked with tears, knocking back 'Blues and whiskey with a well-tailored and surprisingly sympathetic mannequin posed realistically across the table from him... [ August 21, 2002, 01:42 AM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

Berli, if you saw Mike and Panzer Leader each teetering on the edge of widely separated cliffs, and there was only time to shove one over the edge before either regained their footing, who would you choose? [ August 21, 2002, 01:21 AM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

Makes sense to me. Does anyone know if 'kawas' is the slavic word for 'dysentery'? ... Sorry, all, but I tried plugging it into 'Bablefish' to see if there was some sort of hidden message, but what I got was 'bugger off, we're sick to death of that strident little tosser'. So, I guess we still need someone familiar with the Russian language... [ August 21, 2002, 12:51 AM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

Stuka, lad! Appalled and sickened to see you're back, where've you been? How's the wife? Still as lovely and more than you deserve as ever? Really looking forward to 'crushing' you on the Eastern Front next month!

Here's our new home. Scamper on over there and remember, this time, to take your empties with you... I Have Been to the Mountaintop and Found the Peng Challenge And Some Old Beer Cans [ August 17, 2002, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

Welcome all, and by welcome, I hope you realize I mean 'sod off you depressing life failures'. This is, of course, the Peng Challenge Thread, the Mother Beautiful Thread, the 'Cesspool'. Your parents used it to try and frighten you into better behaviour. As you rush forward, propelled by the pitiable desire to 'belong' somewhere, anywhere, let me remind you that you would be better off joining up with a carnival, or perhaps comitting some sort of minor crime and being incarcerated. We don't want you, and if we needed another load of lackwitted mouth-breathers, we'd simply start a 'I hate Slapdragon/Fionn/Dorosh/Target of Opportunity thread, and then step aside for the stampede. You'd really be happier in one of those types of threads, wouldn't you? Of course you would. Why don't you run off to the General Forum and start one now! Because the people we'd like to see posting in here, and the only ones who will be treated even remotely as though they are human, are those with some wit, with at least half a brain, and some sparkle to their posts. Those who come in and do the usual 'my genitals, my feces, the same items belonging to everyone else, or impersonations of the Royal Family on PCP' will be brutalized, and, if that doesn't work, ignored, which most of them find even more intolerable. Seriously, the number of developmentally challenged masochists we get in here would fill up a season's worth of episodes of the Jerry Springer show. Also, if you think you've come to some place where you can exercise your dull little prejudices, casual hates, and disdain for folks on the basis of race, orientation, gender, or religion, you will be gone so quick that parts of you will only catch up later, and they won't be in very good shape when you get them back. Most likely BFC will even help you off the Forum althogether. Now, the idea, charming in it's simplicity, is to come in here, offer someone a manly and witty taunt (or a womanly and witty taunt, if you prefer, and we don't much care if you're one or the other, or even just conflicted), to ONE person, seeking by your raffish insults and bon mots to get someone to give you a game. After you've been here for a while, you will even be allowed to amuse yourself, and better yet, the rest of us, by recounting stories, songs, and fanciful thoughts, as though you were Oscar Wilde himself (and we know that many, many of you are in fact closet 'Oscar Wildes'). Although there is a huge and complicated heirarchy of beings in here, most it will be beyond your tatty little grasp for some time to come. But in quick form, there are the Olde Ones, who wield immense power and are mocked and ignored by all, the Justicar, who is a combination of Herald and Enforcer, who will attempt to keep you from error, and boot you silly if you insist on being as stupid as we all know you are capable of being. And, finally, there are a whole lot of Seniour Knights, Knights, Squires, Serfs, Scum Sucking Newbies, lackeys, minions, and the occasional Jehovah's Witness wandering through. Oh, and, finally, there are the Ladies of the 'Pool, they currently being Persephone, YK2, Kitty, and Roxy. Also Lorak's wife, but I've forgotten her screenname for the moment. She hasn't been by much lately. Ah! It's C'est Bon, I believe. Your best policy with the Ladies is courteous silence, pulling the forelock, and sodding off. Step out of line with them, and you'll find that not only are we not amused, but that your time here is over. Now, if you've actually read all that, you're probably too stupid to be here, but tenacious enough to try. I'd say good luck, but I wouldn't mean it, because I'm really rooting for you to fail and be majorly humiliated in the process. So, 'good luck'! [ August 17, 2002, 09:53 PM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

Hmm, seems close enough, and Berli says if he has to read one more Thread started by Panzer Leader, his eyes will melt and run down his face. But don't worry, Panzer Leader! I'm working to find good things to say about you, and I'm sure that some day he will come around. So, everyone play nice here and I will go to open the way.

That's right! Which toad was it that kept starting up threads going on and on about 'the graphic card' issue, and making it sound like BFC was dropping the ball, and therefore didn't deserve serious consideration by gamers? Was it that complete arse, Gunny Bunny? Or someone else?

Hiram me lad, All thoughts of love and strength out to you and your family. Your sister is a greater hero than most of the fools that people post about on this Board. She's killed no one to become a hero, but brought new life into the world, and remained alive herself. She's struggled as long and hard as any man who's gone through war, but there are damn few news stories trumpeting her achievements. I wish her all the best, and you, as well.

It is true, Most Fair One! In fact, Lars told me that during his recent 'brush with death' in the Far North, the one thing that brought him peace was the thought that if he died, at least the dreams of wearing a frock and singing Joe's praises would finally be over. Indeed I did, and I abase myself in my contrition for having failed to post same last night. Here's one of my favourites, that always makes me think of the Peng Challenge Thread. The Parish of Dunkeld -Silly Wizard Oh, what a parish, a terrible parish; Oh, what a parish is that o' Dunkeld. They hangit their minister, droon'd their precentor, Dang doun the steeple and fuddled the bell. The steeple was doun but the kirk was still staunin', They biggit a lum whaur the bell used to hang. A stell-pat they gat and they brewed Hielan' whisky; On Sundays they drank it and ranted and sang. O, had you but seen how graceful it lookit, To see the crammed pews sae socially joined. MacDonald the piper stood up in the poopit, He made the pipes skirl out the music divine. Wi' whiskey and beer they'd curse and they'd swear; They'd argue and fecht what ye daurna weel tell. Bout Geordie and Charlie they bothered fu' rarely Wi' whisky they're worse than the devil himsel'. When the hairt-cheerin' spirit had mounted their garret, Tae a ball on the green they a' did adjourn. The maids wi' coats kilted, they skippit and liltit, When tired they shook hands and then hame did return. If the kirks a' owre Scotland held like social meetin's Nae warnin' ye'd need from a far-tinklin' bell, For true love and friends wad draw ye thegither Far better than roarin' the horrors o' hell.

Ah, yes, but if there's anything out there that makes the sum of mine and Joe's egos seem miniscule, I want it hunted down and shot through the lungs.

Well, there's something to that, after all. Bit of a dilemma, actually. While I fully support the right of a Knight to humiliate and torment his Squire, the tradition of Blood Hamster is one that stretches back months into the dawn of our history. Ah, wait, there's a precedent! Knight's have assigned Squires 'Quests' or 'Penances', including having to have a shameful and soul crushing sig line. And I can't imagine anything more soul-crushing than bolding 'House Shaw'. I did this to R Leete, in fact. Still for the penance or quest to have validity, it has to be conditionally limited by time, such as completing the Quest, or having performed the needed penance. For Joe to impose the sig, he also has to set the conditions under which Papa Khann can regain it. [ August 16, 2002, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

Papa Smurf, Show some backbone. Don't do it.</font>

Well, it is not permitted for a, er, well, Squire, or, in this case 'Lady in Waiting' to take on a well, the same, but if you are asking if Gaylord might be raised up to Serf, then I think that is permissible. That utter sodding pillock of a former Squire of mine, who is, after all, a bona fide Knight, suggested that he be raised up as his Squire (thank the gods we nipped that in the bud), so if you would like to see him raised up to 'houseboy', which we would take as 'Serf', then I imagine that it will be done. Get Berli to sign off on it, and Peng to say 'yea or nay', now that he's ghosting through the place again, and make sure that the Justicar has no quibbles... Christ, what a load of fetid dingoes kidneys! Gaylord Fokker is officially a 'Serf' of the Peng Challenge Thread. We can always have him killed later, if he doesn't work out. [ August 16, 2002, 01:50 AM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

Good Christ. That was horrible. But it was brilliantly horrible! It's like he wrote it in English, and then ran it through Babelfish into Japanese, and then back again into English. This, Gentlemen and Ladies, gives me hope. Behold! The Power of Peng! Mohammed has slouched back from the Mountain. And I think he even pissed a bit of those Coca-cola adverts off the rock faces on his way down.

You're not going about it right, then. Put the prisoner in a room with Beman and Dorosh, and you'll have your info in time to make use of it in a 20 turn game. On the other hand, short of modeling the double teaming efforts of Beman's hugs and Dorosh's 'intimidation through having a mannequin attend the interrogation', I agree that Combat Mission, of any flavour, would not encompass a long enough time period for there to be any point to such a feature. Without the efforts of Beman and Dorosh, simply attempting to beat the truth out of a man would take too long.

But, but, what did I do? Why would I be subjected to this, this, to put it politely, "living H*ll on Earth"? No, there has simply GOT to be another way. A better way. A kinder, gentler way. ANY other way. Olde Ones, surly (you know, I actually misspelled "surely" there... Freudian slip or no?) you don't hate me well enough to impose such a harsh sentence. Papa a.k.a. The Anti-Squire[/QB]</font>

Stop poking at your brother Squire. Do I need to remind you that you are both members of House Bard? I shall take a moment for a completely pointless, seniour-moment sort of aside. Good Christ, Seanachai, what sort of statement have you made with your Squire choices? First Hiram. He was such a dear little lad, all self-deprecation and head-hanging, mumbling desire to belong. It was such a joy watching him begin to taunt, and take pleasure in sneering at and belittling others! But it all went wrong, of course. He never showed me any proper respect, and has spent all these years suggesting to the world that I'm effeminate and conflicted in my orientation. I don't know what went wrong, there. I mean, I spent almost no time with him, gave him no guidance, and left him in the backyard to play catch with a tennis ball against the wall of the patio, just like any good, hard-working, career oriented father would to a son. Certainly it was good enough for me and my father! Oh, that one time, I did go out and try and play catch with him. But after a few tosses he took the throw right between the eyes, and told me he didn't want to play anymore. Said he wanted to lie down. Told me he and his friend Croda were thinking of taking a vacation place together, and maybe buying a cat. I thought it was all very strange. Why would friends buy a cat together? And why are they always lending each other clothes, and bill caps? I didn't know kids that age still had sleep-overs, either. Well, it was all a lesson to me. I vowed that in the future, I would not stand as a 'father figure' to my Squires. I would maintain that aura of mentor and commander more appropriate to what was, after all, a military order. So then, I took to Squire MrSpkr. Oh, he wasn't my first choice, of course. I think Shaw had just snaffled Agua Perdido away from me, and someone else had snapped up Marlow. But because he was from Texas, and in training to be a lawyer, I was able to take MrSpkr to Squire without a lot of competition. Remembering my mistakes with Hiram, and my decision to keep our relationship that of Knight Commander to Squire, I sent him to military school. I knew that it would teach him respect, self-reliance, and that, now, I would have a Squire who would make House Bard a power within the Peng Challenge Thread. We would be a team, unbeatable, and show Shaw and his lickspittle Squires what Knights and Squires could achieve! He was, in all posts thereafter, abusive and belittling, constantly failed to support me in Cesspool punch-ups, and sneered at me unstintingly. When other Squires and Knights mocked and belittled me, when they called me 'senile', and made fun of my long-winded posts, MrSpkr got behind the abuse and pushed. He never even asked me for my blessing on his Knighthood. Simply stated he'd served his time, and moved on. Another Squire had left me downcast, wondering where the dynasty was that I thought we would build together. And then, there was...Panzer Leader. Oh, how I searched my soul over that one! How I wondered what to make of his loud and clueless posturings! What, I wondered, could be done with him? And then, seemingly, the question of Panzer Leader was solved. And with what drama! The French, Pawbroon himself, had taken the poor halfwit to Squire! What an opportunity! What joy! What more could any Squire wish for, but to have as Lord Commander and Mentor the man for whom love was, in absence of other outlets, 'self-inflicted', who desired nothing more than a visit from 'the Scot of the North', who could, in the space of 3 short paragraphs of English that even Shakespeare was not capable of, evoke for us Cyrano de Bergerac, Rimbaud, and Hunter S. Thompson? But, being Panzer Leader, this pinnacle of achievement, this moment of perfection, was brought to nothing. Pawbroon renounced him. Panzer Leader, brash, filled with foolishness and arrogance, committed the cardinal sin. He played the annoying fool regarding the Ladies of the Pool. No Frenchman will suffer an insult to a Lady of worth, and, like Cyrano himself, will remember to treat even the little madeliene selling oranges with respect and affection. What else was left? Raised up to Squirehood under The French himself, then renounced and cast down as he so justly deserved, weeping, begging for another chance, and yet still maintaining the arrogant attitude that had brought about his downfall, Panzer Leader stood with his back to the door that led to the oblivion of Coventry. But, in a room deep within Schloss Peng, an old, saddened man, who yet held out a spark of hope for the redemption of even fools, bestirred himself, and took Panzer Leader to Squire. This time, no mistakes could be made. This time, to spare the rod was to spoil the very Thread itself. Because Panzer Leader, despite the almost universal hatred of all around him, despite his horrible failure in losing the favour of The French, despite the fact that I received daily emails calling for his actual, Real World dismemberment, with offers to pay for the plane tickets to Kansas to carry out the sentence from several parties; Panzer Leader insisted on posting as though he were buying rounds for the whole Thread. The Boot was brought into play with a regularity that would have produced a letter writing campaign by Amnesty International (if it were anyone else than Mouse, of course). I used every means at my disposal to try and both bring him to heel, and to 'humanize' him in the eyes of the Thread. It was I who named him 'Mouse', to humiliate him and overcome his almost sociopathic ego, and to present him to the Thread as harmless, and even 'funny'. It was I who beat him, sometimes hourly, until he showed at least the vestiges of duty and propriety. It was I, working feverishly behind the scenes, who finally raised him up to Knighthood. And am I accorded any respect for taking this most thoroughly despised and awful of Squires, and yet garnering for him Knighthood? No. He mocks me, and not even particularly well. He willfuly insists on posting like a pillock every other day or so. He does not even acknowledge House Bard, and labours not to increase the honour of the very clan that allows him to post. Now, of course, I've got R Leete. He's a good lad. Could be the one that finally makes it all worthwhile. He's shown some promise...I like that hard, crusty bread best, especially with sesame seeds...most of them have no respect...a jolly sing-song...a jolly, jolly sing-song, that's what pulls a family together... Leaves Seniour-Moment ROIGHT, YOU LOT OF USELESS GENETIC DAMAGE! LET'S SEE SOME SODDING RIGHTEOUS POSTING FOR A CHANGE, AND NOT SO MUCH WHINGING!

We shall see what can be done, lad, when Gaylord returns to us. There is a certain...poetic justice, to making you work with the clueless and witless as some sort of return on what we all suffered through during your Squireship. A sort of 'who shall whittle the witless' latin expression sort of thingy. Again, we will consider it when Gaylord returns from the Mountain. [ August 14, 2002, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

You raise many good, and weighty points. You speak with a wisdom beyond your young years, and the fact that you're just another conservative lawyer from the State of Texas (make sure to add Tulia to the 'multi-cultural' stops you make with friends when you drive down for a visit, everyone!) But the point is moot. Unless, of course, we're going to get into that whole debate about whether we're using it as Americans use it, or the Brits, because that whole discussion was fairly tedious, even for someone who, like myself, loves language. The position of Gaylord is being dealt with. Mohammed must go to the Mountain.

Well, I have an overwhelming respect for the Old Firm. But I think that whole thing between CMPlayer and the wolves is just unwholesome.

'Tis true. And another 'bit' of history should probably, in all fairness, be made known. Panzer Leader, before being raised up to Knighthood, was my Squire. Sigh. To get him his Knighthood took political maneuvering and behind the scenes negotiating not seen since the days of the Borgias (or at least outside the 'closed door' energy council sessions conducted by VP Cheney). The concession that finally permitted the Knighthood was the understanding that Mouse would never, himself, raise up Squires and Knights. It was a harsh duty, but a fair one. And it cannot be set aside without renegotiations and approvals. But, for now, the point is in abeyance. Gaylord need not worry, just now, about his place within the Thread. Mohammed has been sent to the Mountain. [ August 14, 2002, 09:33 PM: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

One of the few things in the World, of late, that has actually brought a happy smile to the face of the ÜberGnome is the almost hilarious 'self deprecation' that Roxy is practicing here in the Peng Challenge Thread. It is almost refreshing to see someone so good-naturedly accept something they'd never, ever be subjected to in Real Life™. Possibly, of course, that's the appeal. I think 'Roxy' is enjoying even those things that most of us would consider to be the most 'negative' aspects of the way people are treating her. I think she really likes being 'Roxy'. But let us not mistake her giddy good humour on this matter with a call to excess. As I keep reminding you lot, especially you newcomers, part of the unique charm of the Cesspool (besides the sparkly effect you get as the sun sets over the vapours and people start showing up to call Panzer Leader an idiot) is the paradox presented by the fact that even this hive of villainy and drainage ditch of septic wit still maintains a rather rakish chivalry towards the Fair Ones.

Ahem. Didn't we have you neutered, to prevent just this sort of thing from occuring. In other words, weren't you specifically raised to Knighthood with the understanding that you would never have Squires of your own? I don't remember anyone giving you permission to sew them back on, lad.