Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling

[imported_Hiram Sedai]

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy old justicar. You see, the justicar had been napping after a busy day of bumping his gums. As he napped he dreamed of the time before he was the justicar. He remembered his favorite bike (it was a girl’s bike but nobody had the heart to tell Joe) and his fellow missionaries. In Joe’s dream, he was 50 years younger and still had his hair. How he loved to share the news of Brigham Young’s beliefs. Joe was quite the hit at the temple. He would create rules for them and almost got in the Doctrine and Covenants book. His nickname there was “The Adjudicator”. He had tee shirts that said “Why join? Adjudicator Says So!"

Little did Joe realize that 50 years and 30 pounds later, he’d be leading a sad existence as a Justicar.

[Farslayer]

Cricket! Cricket!!!

Cricket is a small nasty little critter.

Whether it is family Gryllinae, Gryllotalpidae, Eneopterinae, Mogoplistinae, Myrmecophilinae, Nemobiinae, Oecanthinae, Pentacentrinae, Trigonidiinae, or even the dreaded Australianae, they all deserve to be stepped upon soundly.

Soundly enough to crush their carapaces, splay their legs, and eviscerate them, thereby producing that fine cruuuunching sound that signals the end of yet another foul little insect.

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by Hiram Sedai:

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy old justicar. You see, the justicar had been napping after a busy day of bumping his gums. As he napped he dreamed of the time before he was the justicar. He remembered his favorite bike (it was a girl’s bike but nobody had the heart to tell Joe) and his fellow missionaries. In Joe’s dream, he was 50 years younger and still had his hair. How he loved to share the news of Brigham Young’s beliefs. Joe was quite the hit at the temple. He would create rules for them and almost got in the Doctrine and Covenants book. His nickname there was “The Adjudicator”. He had tee shirts that said “Why join? Adjudicator Says So!"

Little did Joe realize that 50 years and 30 pounds later, he’d be leading a sad existence as a Justicar.

Hmmmm, you know son, it sounds suspiciously like you ... know what you're talking about! I've been in Salt Lake for 30+ years and I don't know half that stuff. Are you sure YOU haven't been going door to door youself?

Or maybe, given your well known ability to collect women while on the road (or anywhere else for that matter), you've been reduced to actually reading the Book of Mormon in the drawers?

Joe

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by R_Leete:

However, now you do humiliate me, with the latest sig. Lord, even if it was written in Greek, the entire world would know it was from you, because of it's length. I wear it proudly, proclaiming to all the MBT my defiance at your neglect. My lack of faith should serve to remind you to vigilance.

Well, having let you stew for a few days, and after having re-read your submission to my will (that was a very nice compliment, by the way, regarding the fulsomeness of my posting style), I find that you are less naughty in my sight.

Also, I've noted you actually out and about, posting with your new, degrading sig line, and I find this good.

So, I stand ready to release you from this penance. I thought that, perhaps, if you accomplished some small quest I would return control of your signature to you.

But what quest to impose? First, I thought, I would have you bring me the head of a Grog. But then I had to ask myself, what the heck would I do with that? Oh, I know, most of you immediately thought: Drinking Goblet. But Grog-skull drinking goblets are so 'last season'.

And then it struck me! I apologized but informed her that it was Desdichado who'd touched her, not myself, and that he'd assumed he knew her.

But then I had a thought! What if I sent my Squire out to insult my Arch Foe, Slapdragon, and drag him back here to the MBT to receive my long overdue third (or was it fourth?) taunt, so that our on-hold game could continue?

So, Squire Leete, I charge you thusly. Sally forth (or sashay, if you're feeling sprightly), and find that horrible pseudo-Grog menace and most horrible of my detractors, and insult him, wherever you may find him, and inform him that I once again take up our game, and stand ready to taunt him soundly in the furtherance of our slanging match.

Do this lad, and when Slapdragon once again shows up to call me all sorts of foul and generally applicable names, you shall have performed your penance, and may once again call your sig line your own.

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by rune:

Once again, a trap door springs open in the Cesspool, and a lone dark figure, holding the scroll of NDA appears to the unwashed masses...

"I have permission of the entire BFC team to tell you that the only thing more boring the watching Golf, is listening or watching cricket. To put this completely over the top, is an Aussie [Oi Oi Oi] cricket match. So, if this does not cease and desist, I will have no option but to delay CMBB and point to this thread. Choose wisely..."

The lone figure turns, and opens the trap door once more. He slowly starts down the ladder, but pauses to speak before the trapdoor shuts...

"If the Gods allow...and I am waiting to hear from them...there MAY be a sneak preview tomorrow at Casa de Rune for anyone if the Chicago area. Short notice will be supplied, but I do have Pilsner, Spatan, and for any Aussies that may be nearby, Fosters...."

With that, the trap door clangs shut...and the sound of a lock begin...well...err....locked

Rune

SOS was/is/and shall ever be creamed chip beef on toast

Rune, it has come to my attention that you are A FLAMING IDIOT! AND you're a Beta Tester and that's even worse. We'll be lucky if CMBB comes out without Bugs Bunny popping out of shell holes saying "What's Up Doc?" what with YOUR involvement in the project.

That being said ... {sniff} ... I miss our little chats on Roger Wilco, "You pathetic batch of losers make me sick!" and who can forget "Isn't there some rock you can crawl under so you can die?"

Good times ... good times.

Joe

[Buzzsaw]

Originally posted by Papa Khann:

The sad prattle of a mindless old codger...

Now what would either of you two snot nosed whelps do with a soccer mom? Or for that matter, any member of the fairer sex old enough to have a drivers license? Come to think of it, ANY female that exists outside your sordid imaginations?

Papa

Lars has already confessed to leering at members of the fairer sex as he swills beer on his beloved lake. On rare occasions he has been known to brush the potato chips from chest, stand up, and make obscene gestures with his fishing pole. Still, I imagine that he fares better than you do. I hear you have had a dry spell since Minneapolis area nursing homes required doors to be locked during "nap time".

[Edited for poor typing skills]

[ July 03, 2002, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: Buzzsaw ]

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

dallas cowboys (not capitalized because, well, they're the Dallas Cowboys after all)

Now, normally, I wouldn't get involved in these sport related chats...

However, It is necessary to point out for our foreign friends that in American Football (not to be confused with real football) there are only two teams worth cheering for...

Da Bears & anyone playing dallas

Joe... you will never wipe away the 44-0 stain

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by Buzzsaw:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Papa Khann:

The sad prattle of a mindless old codger...

Now what would either of you two snot nosed whelps do with a soccer mom? Or for that matter, any member of the fairer sex old enough to have a drivers license? Come to think of it, ANY female that exists outside your sordid imaginations?

Papa

Lars has already confessed to leering at members of the fairer sex as he swills beer on his beloved lake. On rare occasions he has been know to brush the poato chips from chest, stand up, and make obscene gestures with his fishing pole. Still, I imagine that he fares better than you do. I hear you have had a dry spell since Minneapolis area nursing homes required doors to be locked during "nap time".</font>

[imported_Hiram Sedai]

It has come to my attention that the Bard has decided to take a poke at me in the General Forum.

For this affrontery, I demand a game. I will be Polish and he will be light in the shorts. I will be the attacker and he will be gay as the day is long. I will start my opening bid at 800 points, random weather, and regular troops, while he will be sitting on this front porch in a sun dress and sporting a parasol.

The only poetry I will accept will be from Dante.

Here is the requisite taunting:

Seanachai, your dastardly deeds have not gone unnoticed. Your sycophantic attitude towards your Grog deity won’t help you. Offer up sacrifices and create poems for him, it just won’t help. I will slap you around like your ex-boyfriend did whenever you got mouthy. A setup is forthcoming upon your verbal acceptance of this challenge.

Know that if you do not accept this challenge, then you are cowardly and should be made to do manly things like bowling. If by some small chance, you do accept this challenge, then you will still be a bit fruity, but okay (if you like that sort of thing)

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

dallas cowboys (not capitalized because, well, they're the Dallas Cowboys after all)

Now, normally, I wouldn't get involved in these sport related chats...

However, It is necessary to point out for our foreign friends that in American Football (not to be confused with real football) there are only two teams worth cheering for...

Da Bears & anyone playing dallas

Joe... you will never wipe away the 44-0 stain</font>

[Seanachai]

Originally posted by Hiram Sedai:

It has come to my attention that the Bard has decided to take a poke at me in the General Forum.

You caught that one quickly, young Hiram. I was slightly misinformed about yourself and Croda. Originally I'd been told you were living together, but have since discovered that you merely take a vacation place together twice a year. This doesn't alter the nature of your state of denial. I can only offer you my assurance that there is nothing wrong with what you two feel for each other, nor the way you express it.

Originally posted by Hiram Sedai:

For this affrontery, I demand a game. I will be Polish and he will be light in the shorts. I will be the attacker and he will be gay as the day is long. I will start my opening bid at 800 points, random weather, and regular troops, while he will be sitting on this front porch in a sun dress and sporting a parasol.

The only poetry I will accept will be from Dante.

Sorry, lad, but you can't afford Dante. You'll have to make do with my own versifying. And I accept your offer of a game, but counter propose 1000 points. Your other conditions were acceptable. Your attempts at insulting me, however, said more about the issuer than their target. It is difficult, sometimes, to decide whether you are projecting your fears or your desires on me.

Originally posted by Hiram Sedai:

Here is the requisite taunting:

Seanachai, your dastardly deeds have not gone unnoticed. Your sycophantic attitude towards your Grog deity won't help you. Offer up sacrifices and create poems for him, it just won't help.

You keep making these odd 'grog' remarks. What are you on about?

I will slap you around like your ex-boyfriend did whenever you got mouthy...

Sigh...projecting again.

A setup is forthcoming upon your verbal acceptance of this challenge.

Know that if you do not accept this challenge, then you are cowardly and should be made to do manly things like bowling. If by some small chance, you do accept this challenge, then you will still be a bit fruity, but okay (if you like that sort of thing).

Hiram, fruit is an important dietary element. Your post, for example, convinces me that you suffer greatly from a lack of regularity. Eating more fruit would help you with that.

Now, I accept your little challenge. And, while bowling may be the State sport of New Jersey, here in Minnesota we prefer fishing, boating, camping, and other outdoorsy type sports that bring us in touch with nature; clearly something to be avoided in New Jersey.

I await your setup.

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

FIVE TIME WORLD CHAMPION

Isn't that a meaningless statement for a game played only in the US of A?

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

FIVE TIME WORLD CHAMPION

Isn't that a meaningless statement for a game played only in the US of A?</font>

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

...all other sports are nothing more than ways to fill the time until American Football is in season again.

Joe

(Rictus of anguish on face...sweating bullets from the strain...know I will hate myself long after this has been forgotten by the rest of the thread...)

I am in total agreement with Joe.

[athkatla]

Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

FIVE TIME WORLD CHAMPION

Isn't that a meaningless statement for a game played only in the US of A?</font>

[Panzer Leader]

Originally posted by athkatla:

bleh.

You're still here? I thought you got pulled with the rest of the weeds.

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by athkatla:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

FIVE TIME WORLD CHAMPION

Isn't that a meaningless statement for a game played only in the US of A?</font>

[Panzer Leader]

Joe, that was piss-poor quote-management. I would like to propose a new edict (right up your alley!) that if one opts to quote another, than it is required by the Quotor to edit out all those "quoted by.." and basically all irrelevant material.

In the case of quoting Shoe Jaw (that one really tickled me) it is best to delete ENTIRE quote if quote cannot be avoided in first place.

[athkatla]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by athkatla:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

FIVE TIME WORLD CHAMPION

Isn't that a meaningless statement for a game played only in the US of A?</font>

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by athkatla:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by athkatla:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Berlichtingen:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

FIVE TIME WORLD CHAMPION

Isn't that a meaningless statement for a game played only in the US of A?</font>

[Boo Radley]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

... the obligatory offerring we make to all SSNs, to wit SOD OFFFF!. Perhaps, in the interests of a kinder, gentler Cess (remember the days, eh lads) I should point out that while we SAY Sod Off to all SSNs that we don't always MEAN it ...

Joe

Maybe it has something to do with the difference of language. Wasn't it Shaw(No, not our Shaw, the other one. The important, witty one.)

who once said something to the effect that our language was the main difference between the Brit-gits (and all their ilk) and us 'Mericuns?

Maybe across the pond, the phrase "Sod Off" means something bad. Perhaps it doesn't mean, "Hi! How ya doin'? Care for some pie? I'd like you to meet my sister!", as it does here in the States.

Sure, it's a long shot, but it is possible.

[Lurkur]

The following has been written to fulfill my liege's demands for a silly tale to amuse him. Any resemblance to characters living or dead is purely coincidental.

Mormon Justice

The long black sedan drove through the shimmering heat waves of the Utah

desert. Along the edge of the Great Salt Lake, a dark block of towering basalt rose out of a hill. The sedan sped toward the structure, and

disappeared into the tunnel-like entrance of the building. Across the facade of the building the words "OFFICE OF THE JUSTICAR." glow in the yellow light of that forsaken land.

The car is met by an attendant, who smartly opens the door as soon as it stops. Out steps a grey-haired Man of great dignity, dressed in a charcoal-grey Bill Blass suit. He strides over to the elevator, gathering a retinue of assistants and assorted staff persons behind him. He barked out their names one at a time, and each in turn, succinctly address the issues of the day that they are concerned with. The man answers immediately and concisely, and that staffer speeds away to accomplish the task set before him or her. The scene is repeated until the Man stands alone before the elevator.

The elevator lifts the man to his suit of offices, soaring 400 feet above the burning rock and sand that stretches to the horizon. The elevator doors open and his shoes echo throughout the marble colonnade that leads to a pair of large, 15-feet tall bronze doors. On either side of the doors is an expansive mahogany desk, and at each desk is a young woman. Both smile as the man approaches the doors. He points a tiny remote at the doors, and they open silently. "Good morning Justicar Shaw." The twin blondes chime.

"Yes, good morning. Mary Kate, this 500-page report has three errors in it. Find them and correct them. That's a lovely skirt you're wearing Ashley."

And with that he steps into his Sanctum Sanctorum and shuts the doors.

Ashley smiles triumphantly at Mary Kate, while Mary Kate mouths the word "pitch" at her rival.

The Man walks to the other side of his imposing ebony desk. The words "Joe Shaw" are fashioned in gilt letters across the front. On the work surface are the days intelligence report and pictures of his five wives neatly arranged in a semi-circle. Mr. Shaw sits in his leather executive chair and begins to read the reports. A rumbling noise erupts from his stomach and grows in intensity. Shaw's form, already slightly misshapen, bloats grotesquely for a few moments, and then begins to collapse like a tent that suddenly lost its support. The rumbling noise grows louder still, and out from underneath the desk rolls a weasel, trading blows with a skunk, while a large duck tries to break them up. Also spilling out of the suit are several gas bags stuffed in to take up space.

"Knock it off you two! We're too close to pay dirt to blow it now."

"The skunk is going to ruin it for us! He keeps on insisting on a ridiculous code of decorum that would confuse the Byzantines, for crying out loud. People are gonna get suspicious!"

"That!? Procedure and decorum mean that I'm civilized! A lone paladin standing against the forces of chaos arrayed ..."

"Oh stuff it!" the duck and weasel snarl in unison.

The skunk counters, "If anything is going to wreck it for us it's the weasel's insistence on playing Jabo with every SSN who rises above the common scum."

From the other side of the doors the sound of girls yelling is heard.

The weasel leers with glinty eyes at the mere mention of the word Jabos. "Heh heh heh, I'll play that set-up any day, even with Australians!"

The duck's right eye twitches horribly, "Don't say that word around me!"

"What? 'Australian?' You got something against Australians?

"Stop it!" You know they're after me.

"Mind if we call you Bruce? Maybe we should plan a vacation to Auuustraaaal..."

"Damn you, you're working for them aren't you?!! I'll kill you now!!" The twitchy duck thunders and hurls himself onto the weasel.

The two go at it for a minute or so, kicking and biting until the skunk decides to stop things. He kicks the weasel in the groin and then the duck, shouting, "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

The weasel doubles over and makes no noise, even though his mouth is moving. The duck is strangely unaffected.

"You forget skunk. I'm a duck. I have no external genitalia. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (*glack!)" And his laughter is choked short by two pairs of hands clutching and squeezing his throat.

"I'm the brains of this outfit. Lose me and it all goes to pot!" the duck rasps.

The fight is stopped by a heavy thud against the doors of the office and the sound of two girls screaming.

The duck speaks, stretching his neck. "Now look. We have to maintain a certain amount of chaos in the 'pool. We need to be needed, or else people are gonna realize that the *is* no Joe Shaw, just a pompous skunk, and cunning weasel, a paranoid duck and some gas bags wearing a suit, and living large. I hate you both as much as you hate me, but for a little while longer we have to work AS A TEAM! Got it?!"

The others nodded.

"Good, now let's whip this uncess-like behavior thingy up to a fever pitch. I remember someone saying, "The size of the lie is a definite factor in causing it to be believed ... the primitive simplicity of their minds renders them a more easy prey to a big lie than a small one." Now get back in the suit!"

The deflated form of Shaw twitches, and becomes disturbingly fluid as the critters find their places. The Man runs his hands over his form to smooth out the puffs and flaps and walks to the door.

In the corridor Mary Kate and Ashley have each other by the hair and are trying to bash each other's head into the impressive mahogany desk.

"You may be the smart one but I'll always be the pretty one!"

"You idiot! We're identical twins!"

Shaw steps around the girls and walks into the elevator.

"Be back soon girls, there's justice to be done..."

Lurker

Squire to Boo_Radley

[Boo Radley]

Attend me my Squire Lurker.

Even for an artist, I find your story...disturbing. And not in a good way, either. Have you been sniffing the Design Markers again, lad?

Perhaps I've been working you a bit hard. Tell you what, take the rest of the week off Take your shoes off. Set a spell. Ya'll come back now, Hear?

[Lurkur]

We haven't used markers in over 10 years. It's a struggle to find real pencils in the studio anymore. Blame it on the heat baking my brain into a soufflé.

Off to clean the stables now.

[Joe Shaw]

Originally posted by Boo_Radley:

Attend me my Squire Lurker.

Even for an artist, I find your story...disturbing. And not in a good way, either. Have you been sniffing the Design Markers again, lad?

Perhaps I've been working you a bit hard. Tell you what, take the rest of the week off Take your shoes off. Set a spell. Ya'll come back now, Hear?

Squires these days, eh Boo_Radley? Oh it had promise, the beginning was a good start (as they sometimes are) but the middle was kind of in-between if you follow and the end was, well, frankly I was just glad it was over.

Now if the two girls had been ripping clothing ...

Joe