Buzzsaw

Lurk, the keyword here is human , I dont think that applies in this case.</font>

That you send it to the right email address the first time. Is that too much to ask? Since I've been given the "honor" of playtesting your module, I'm trying to keep the turn rate up. Best if we finish it before CM3 comes out. Must say, however, that the scenario is a real snoozer so far.

MrSpkr You owe me a turn, you loon. I hope your defenders suffer from hayfever. -Buzzsaw

Save your tears for later, blubber-boy. I'll be giving you plenty to cry about.

Game Updates MrSpkr Before I had even purchased CMBB he sent me the setup for an all-random Quickbattle and thus challenged me to a fair an honorable duel. Now that we have finally gotten around to starting, he has insisted that we switch to a scenario of his own design: a fiendish setup where I must attack across large fields of wheat. MrSpkr probably has scads of SMG equipped nasties waiting for me, and has doubtless memorized everyone of my platoon commander’s names and modifiers, and I am expected to subject myself to this just for the honor of being called a playtester. Feh! I am sorely tempted to torch the whole farm, and just march my units off the back of the map. Unfortunately, I understand that units caught in a burning tile simply exit that tile, rather than being burned into crispy bits: no fun in that! Looks like I’ll have to actually kill his units with more conventional methods first, and then torch the place. So be it. One roasted lawyer coming up. Lurker Or should I call him Shirker? He is once again claiming that his Mac cannot open the files I am sending him. Strange thing is that we haven’t even gotten past the setup phase. Maybe he just finds my emails too intimidating. We seem to have a workaround for now, which involves my mailing the file 3 or 4 times and making various sacrifices to appease the pagan gods of file corruption.

Lurker, you simpleton, do you remember me? We had a lovely CMBO game going a few months back. However, right when I started pasting your advancing Frenchies with a 150mm infantry gun, you began complaining that you could not open the files I was sending. I can understand that the turns were getting hard for you to watch, but you should have done the honorable thing and surrendered. Want to have another go, CBMM this time? Might I suggest that you play the Italians this time? Your experience with the French should have prepared you to handle them. I’ll expect a little more machismo from your troops when they surrender in droves, but it will pretty much be the same. Say the word and a setup will be on the way.

Wait! How could I forget that pasting I gave Athkatla. I am actaully 1-2-1, perfectly even. It's almost like I was never here. Actaully I'm dreadfully behind on my AAR of that battle with Athkatla. I'm also dreadfully behind on RealLife work, but, hey, some things are just more important than earning money for food and shelter.

I guess I have to own up to this. I didn't manage to take a single one of the 5 objective flags. One stinking enemy HQ, paniced and reduced to one man managed to keep my main objective contested. This brings my Cesspool record to an unimpressive 0-2-1. Terence, if you haven't taken done everyone a favor and jumped off a bridge since I was last here, we are overdue so a match. I wont have CMBB for awhile, so it would have to be a CMBO classic.

Wow. Haven't read Casteneda's since college. I do remember one of the Yaqui teachings was to look for the specific place in your home where power would best flow through you. I've done this in every apartment or house I've lived in since my college days. Oddly enough, it always seems to be in the bathroom. Go figure.</font>

MrSpkrI see that I have made your list of future CMBB opponents. At first I was offended to find myself book ended by two utter pillocks (Stormbringer and Terence), but I guess you need a real challenge in between those two patsies in order to keep it interesting. In order to give you a fighting chance, I'll refrain from playing CMBB until our match. Maybe after 11 practice matches you will have figured out which is the dangerous end of a machine gun. At least you can rely on your match with Terence to provide a little boost in spirits after I have crushed you. I think I will install some special sound mods for this match. Does anyone know German or Russian for “die vile lawyer spawn”?

Not really, and that's not why everyone around you is always laughing.

An unlicensed hunter was afraid he’d be outed. His den had more trophies than could ever be counted. But the hunter named Lars, ended up behind bars, and now he is the one who is mounted.

There once was a boy named Terry whose visage was frightening and scary. In place of his nose, was a small rubber hose, and a pump to keep his head so airy.

Damn it! Always one post behind MrSpkr. How embarrassing!

I see that everyone has seen the site before. I hope I'm not in for a copyright infringement case from MrSpkr.

Dalem Real people can really suck. Maybe you should just become a shut-in and play Combat Mission all day. Everyone has probably seen this before, but I'll include this link to a bad neighbor story anyway: The Redneck Neighbor . Game Updates I had two and half very enjoyable turns against Lars. (Is there anything better than pounding infantry with direct fire HE?) Unfortunately, my smokescreen has lifted, revealing a nasty German kitty. It has destroyed one of my tanks, and sent two others running for cover. I have yet to get anywhere near an objective, but I might have one or two more surprises up my sleeve.... Lurker and I have traded about 25 or 30 emails, but only 4 or 5 functional turn files. I think he is trying to open my Zip files with the little Orphan Annie decoder ring. Lurk it might be time to get a real computer. You are going to want it for CMBB anyway. I am gone next week, so I will wait until the following week to start games with Marlow and Terrence. I haven't even properly taunted Terrence yet -- I may have to [shudder] read some of his old posts to be properly inspired.

Hmmm. Even the parts I left in are pretty much nonsense. Three active games and an impending vacation will keep me from starting our battle for two or three weeks. That's OK, because the task of teaching you to taunt is going to take far longer than my tactics demonstration. I am feeling even less inspired than usual, so I am going to direct you to George Orwell's thoughts on Politics and the English Language . You can object to a few of his points, but there is a lot of good advice. His warning about stale metaphors is particularly apropos, and should be heeded with special attention to Cesspool history. This pretty much rules out all scatological references – we have been beating that dead horse for quite some time. Orwell points out a circular cause-effect relationship between writing and thinking. This is very encouraging, because, if true, it means we might overcome your mollusk-level intelligence. More later, if I feel like it.

Marlow, my soon to be brother, I shall send you a setup. Let me know if you have any preferences for parameters. Perhaps you can even tell me the secret handshake. I have begun to suspect that it is not really a handshake, but a *boot*.

Croda, I can see how your might take my original post as brown-nosing. I actually took the time to notice you, and likened you to a piece of aged crap. That’s more attention and praise than you normally get. I guess I should have just stepped around you like everyone else, or just quietly wiped you off my shoes. I don’t care which of your stoolies I crush. I am sure neither Boo nor Lurker would present much of a challenge. I must, however, insist, that we play with the parameters you originally suggested. I have already gone through the trials of Crodaburg with Lars, and a second go would be double jeopardy. Why don’t you get your House of Croda jesters in order, and then tell me who should get the setup.

Peng, Croda, Marlow, and Simon all posting! Has someone been stirring the Cesspool? You know, these turds don't really get better with age. True, each one is still, individually, better than the combined lot of all the recent entries in the Pool, but it is still safest to let them rest at the bottom of the Pool. They make a nice foundation for the rest of us to stand on. Maybe I am being paranoid here. Maybe the only agitator working being the scenes is the Great Fred himself, who has seen fit to inspire these lost souls to return to us. Thanks be to Fred!

A difficult choice you give me, sire. Carry a puke bucket for that famous piece of Cesspool coprolite, Peng, or lower myself to play a game with Terrence? Peng seems harmless enough these days, but I suspect that he would either reject me outright as a personal puke-boy, or insist that I perform my duties with a thimble instead of the standard issue zinc pail. Terrence. Hmmm. I remember reading some of his posts, and then quickly deciding to ignore him. I am certainly not going to go back and re-read them – they were painful enough the first time. Hasn’t he been flirting with Coventry? Well, I suppose I can try and provoke him into a match. This will have the unfortunate side effect of more terrible Terry posts appearing in the MBT, but you can’t really blame me for that. (Well, I guess you can). As for teaching him to taunt, I’m am just a lowly serf, my Lord, not a miracle worker, but I will see what I can do.

Lars, just so there is no confusion like last time: I am waiting on a turn from you, you knucklehead. Last time you failed to promptly reply, you were punished with a lashing windstorm, and perilous seas. Don’t tempt the fates again.

Rune, my wayward liege, it is good to see that you have returned. I was worried that you had once again invited the soiled masses to your home, and were being held captive by ingrates demanding that post June 1943 Fallschirmjäger units include toenail clippers in their TO&E. Even now, I cannot be sure that your captors are not forcing you to post to the MBT so that I will not become suspicious. Was there some sort of secret signal you were supposed to tell me? Actually there seems to be a lot that I don’t know about House Rune. Secret handshake, house colors, sworn enemies, etc…. As for my missions, I believe that I was supposed to provide an AAR, an essay on Swedes, and a piccy to Patch. For the AAR, I have been publishing an account of my victory over Athkatla in installments. It has been taking some time because the game was about as interesting as watching the Denver Broncos play against a local Pee-Wee team, so I need to dress it up a bit. I could have just said that Athkatla’s men ran around the map like a bunch of mindless lemmings until I mowed down enough of them to force a surrender, but that seemed like a cop out. Imagine trying to write a novel where half of the characters are mute, drooling halfwits and you will understand why this is taking some time. I am also playing Lars, but, seeing as how I am the one scurrying around like a rodent, I am not to anxious to give an update. I have never met any Swedes, and pray that I never do, so you are going to have to excuse me from that quest. I will also not send a picture to Patch. You know, the aborigines believe that when your picture is taken, your soul is captured. Taking my picture and then sending it to Berli’s bride just seems like a really bad idea.

The Battle of Dummkopfenburg Turn 4 The two heavy tanks approaching the Sledworks were a major threat. While the factories provided great cover from small arms and light mortar fire, the 95mm guns of the Cromwells could quickly crumble the walls, entombing Oberfeldwebel Tobias Buzzsaw’s men inside. One of Buzzsaw’s halftracks was dispatched to bring a panzershreck to the Sledworks. If one of those tanks ventured too close, Buzzsaw would make sure that it got a nasty surprise. Additionally, the veteran hetzer was maneuvering for a shot on the enemy tank on the left, and a smoke barrage was ordered to keep the enemy tank on the right from shelling German positions from a distance. It all seemed so simple: identify the threats and neutralize them. The enemy Cromwells, with their murderous high explosives punch, might have unnerved a lesser man, but Buzzsaw had immediately recognized the threat and had now initiated a chain of events that would ultimately remove that threat. Why was this task so easy for Tobias, yet so difficult for so many others? What magical combination of heredity and training had produced his perfect military mind? And, did Buzzsaw, because he possessed this preternatural clarity of thought, have special obligations to society? All questions to ponder after the battle. All of Buzzsaw’s energies were curretnly focused on using his god-given gift to crush his enemy. To be continued...

The Battle of Dummkopfenburg Turn 3 The silence was broken by the familiar whistle of mortar shells. The shells plunged into the thicket of pine trees ahead, and, while they probably weren’t inflicting heavy casualties, they effectively sealed off the enemy’s main approach into town, buying valuable time as Tobias Buzzsaw sought to strengthen his position inside the Dummkopfenburg Sledworks. An enemy tank appeared to the right. It was charging madly towards the Sledworks, firing several wild shots at one of Buzzsaw’s halftracks before disappearing behind a rise. Two other tanks, a Cromwell VII and a Stuart, by the sound of their main guns, appeared near the center of the village, and began shelling some of the positions that the Germans had secured around the village perimeter. The massive 95mm main gun of the Cromwell was taking a toll on the unfortified positions, and Buzzsaw immediately radioed Company HQ to move their tank destroyer into position. The veteran crew of the Hetzer, began maneuvering for a clear shot on the Cromwell. Buzzsaw had noticed something strange about all three enemy tanks. Their olive colored paint was partially obscured by a black mesh. So the mystery of the fishnet stockings was solved! It was a convenient webbing that could hold branches and leaves for extra camouflage. Oddly, there was no foliage affixed to theses tank – only the black stockings. Perhaps there had not been enough time? Or perhaps …. No, not even Athkatla could be that depraved. The symphony of combat had opened just as Oberfeldwebel Buzzsaw orchestrated it – with the crash of mortar fire and the screams of his stricken enemies. But Buzzsaw knew who the true maestro of the day would be. The dark robed figure with the scythe for a baton would finish today’s concert. There was one question that burned in Buzzsaw’s mind: Would Death include Tobias’ own dirge in today’s arrangement? To be continued…