Hakko Ichiu

Editors Note: The above is an example of "German Humor". This is not to be confused with anything resembling "humor" (or "humour") as commonly understood. It is an oxymoron in the same class as "Scottish Cuisine" and "Italian Efficiency". Another example would be the Jackalope: Note that this model never saw combat in the European Theater of Operations. ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University

Like between 10 and 20% of the male readership of this board, I am red/green colorblind. This can make "reading" the terrain of a CM map somewhat difficult. Can anyone suggest which of the modded grasses would be best for me (and the millions of others around the world who suffer along with me with this debilitating condition which is worthy of your support. Please send donations in cash to me and I will see that they are forwarded to the deserving. Thank you). ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University

... certain indignities suffered at the hands of a particularly naughty Uncle (or possibly 2nd cousin-once-removed, it being difficult to untangle the branches of his family tree). Uncle Mikey would routinely spirit him away from the schoolyards at recess time to ...

I believe that if you read Jason's discussion of "fire" tactics, this is only half the story. If the enemy breaks or even withdraws in poor order, a commander should have sufficient forces to engage the enemy piecemeal at decisive odds thereby resulting in the desired effect: the destruction of his strength. ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University

A warm, Jello®-like substance running down...

Well, Hillary Clinton is the Queen of my heart, as I'm sure she is of yours. Especially with her sexy new look. If the Senate Chamber's rockin', don't come a knockin'. ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University [This message has been edited by Hakko Ichiu (edited 02-05-2001).]

Actually, it was Humpty Dumpty who said that. I think the Capt. has raised a good issue with regard to the use of the terms "Attrition" and "Maneuver" at the squad/tactical level depicted in CM. This has been raised in other threads, but I think Capt. has phrased it best. The two tactical poles depicted by Jason --massed direct fire against weakpoints vs. massed indirect fire against enemy concentrations -- are probably better described by just those terms he uses, i.e., "shock" and "fire". The greater issue here is, in fact, definitional. Until the participants can agree on what exactly they are discussing, they will continue to talk past and across each other, thereby generating more heat than light. {edited for clarity} ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University [This message has been edited by Hakko Ichiu (edited 02-05-2001).]

Updates from the Front: Mark IV: The Un-wed, Crack-Addicted Mother of All Battles is almost over. The gamey flag rushes are about to begin. Fish-kisser may just eke out a minor victory in this one, but only because he is a gamey barsteward with lots of Pumas and more artillery than the Boche used at Verdun. Geier: His left is in retreat, his right is collapsing, I have penetrated his center (sit down, Bauhaus), so what does this crazy, akvavit-swilling lutfisk muncher do? He attacks. Perhaps he is trying to make me laugh myself into apoplexy? Still, such perversity must be appreciated for what it is. Perhaps I shall reward him with Grog-Porn, since he keeps begging for it. (No, Bauhaus, down, down I say.) The Artisanal Cheese Wheel formerly known as Joe Shaw: Having used gamey Time-Reversing Tactics™ to change the outcome of the Turn That Was Lost in the Upgrade Process, he has managed to knock out most of my armor. I have none left now, honest. Really. I'm defenseless. Just an HQ and a bakery detail left in the town. It's a cakewalk. Come on, you know you want to. (Will someone please strap Bauhaus to a chair or something?) Germanboy: The designer (i.e., Rune of ill-fame) made a critical error which totally unbalanced this scenario in my favor: he gave Andreas armor. Oh well. Still, it's fun to hear the little sausage-eaters scream. (SOMEONE PUT A GAG IN BAUHAUS ALREADY! DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?) Lorak: Still too early to tell. I am putting my men into position in accordance with my carefully designed battleplan, while Lorak is fantasizing about Enya or somefink. I fully expect to treat him like the red-headed stepchild that he is.(Sit down ... oh, never mind.) ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University [This message has been edited by Hakko Ichiu (edited 02-05-2001).]

IIRC, the AI's propensity to have AFVs target crews was drastically reduced in one of the later patches. So, the PSW just buttoned up when it took fire from the crew -- pretty sensible, if you ask me -- rather than spend a lot of time targeting it, and therefore leaving itself vulnerable to getting targeted by s.t. else. Of course, once it was buttoned, it was in a much worse position to react to the 'zook. Seems to fall into the immense distribution of possible events called "stuff happens." Then again, maybe it's another example of BTS's hard-coded pro-allied bias. I have evidence of a vast bourgeois internationalist conspiracy. The truth is out there. The phone company killed Kennedy. ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University

... Chupacabra. Unfortunately, the undergarments in question were in flagrant violation of the Hague Convention on Chemical Warfare, and the resultant...

... and play some tunes from my world famous Udo Lindenberg collection ...

Must avoid cheap joke, must resis... How about a nice, thick kosher salami instead? ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University

... The Wizard, which was a "café" across from the Amsterdam offices of Leather Tiger Press, noted publishers of such famous Grog-Porn™ titles as ...

Since Stuka is off to the pub for his wedding within the hour (surely, "church"? - ed.), I offer these words in the hope that he will maintain his sense of priorities: The Betrothed "You must choose between me and your cigar." -- BREACH OF PROMISE CASE, CIRCA 1885. Open the old cigar-box, get me a Cuba stout, For things are running crossways, and Maggie and I are out. We quarrelled about Havanas -- we fought o'er a good cheroot, And I knew she is exacting, and she says I am a brute. Open the old cigar-box -- let me consider a space; In the soft blue veil of the vapour musing on Maggie's face. Maggie is pretty to look at -- Maggie's a loving lass, But the prettiest cheeks must wrinkle, the truest of loves must pass. There's peace in a Larranaga, there's calm in a Henry Clay; But the best cigar in an hour is finished and thrown away -- Thrown away for another as perfect and ripe and brown -- But I could not throw away Maggie for fear o' the talk o' the town! Maggie, my wife at fifty -- grey and dour and old -- With never another Maggie to purchase for love or gold! And the light of Days that have Been the dark of the Days that Are, And Love's torch stinking and stale, like the butt of a dead cigar -- The butt of a dead cigar you are bound to keep in your pocket -- With never a new one to light tho' it's charred and black to the socket! Open the old cigar-box -- let me consider a while. Here is a mild Manila -- there is a wifely smile. Which is the better portion -- bondage bought with a ring, Or a harem of dusky beauties, fifty tied in a string? Counsellors cunning and silent -- comforters true and tried, And never a one of the fifty to sneer at a rival bride? Thought in the early morning, solace in time of woes, Peace in the hush of the twilight, balm ere my eyelids close, This will the fifty give me, asking nought in return, With only a Suttee's passion -- to do their duty and burn. This will the fifty give me. When they are spent and dead, Five times other fifties shall be my servants instead. The furrows of far-off Java, the isles of the Spanish Main, When they hear my harem is empty will send me my brides again. I will take no heed to their raiment, nor food for their mouths withal, So long as the gulls are nesting, so long as the showers fall. I will scent 'em with best vanilla, with tea will I temper their hides, And the Moor and the Mormon shall envy who read of the tale of my brides. For Maggie has written a letter to give me my choice between The wee little whimpering Love and the great god Nick o' Teen. And I have been servant of Love for barely a twelvemonth clear, But I have been Priest of Cabanas a matter of seven year; And the gloom of my bachelor days is flecked with the cheery light Of stums that I burned to Friendship and Pleasure and Work and Fight. And I turn my eyes to the future that Maggie and I must prove, But the only light on the marshes is the Will-o'-the-Wisp of Love. Will it see me safe through my journey or leave me bogged in the mire? Since a puff of tobacco can cloud it, shall I follow the fitful fire? Open the old cigar-box -- let me consider anew -- Old friends, and who is Maggie that I should abandon you? A million surplus Maggies are willing to bear the yoke; And a woman is only a woman, but a good Cigar is a Smoke. Light me another Cuba -- I hold to my first-sworn vows. If Maggie will have no rival, I'll have no Maggie for Spouse! - Rudyard Kipling ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University

As of three years ago, there was a very good Peruvian restaurant in London, south of the River across from Tower Hill, IIRC. You could try looking it up. Montana's in Chelsea probably does a chile relleno, if you feel like draining your wallet. Although, frankly, your not pretty enought to get in the door. Then there's always Café Pacifico. It's not great, but it's probably no worse than On the Border over by the highway. ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University

What, you have a problem with ketchup, lemon juice and chopped up turnip? ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University

Welly, welly, welly, what's it going to be then, eh? Pengy, our starry droogie, has gotten his neezhnies all twisty-like and his yarbles caught in the confusion. And now that charming devotchka, Kitty, has told him to stick a bolshy, spiked shlaga up his sharries. No wonder he wants to run off on his oddy knocky, eh? But Pengy thinks things are baddiwad in the Pooly wooly. Thinks the shaika s gone a malenky bit soft and let in too many new chellovecks who crark a lot of gloopy shoom. And maybe so, says I. Not a lot of horrorshow taunting, none of us being truly, excellently sarky while sticking in the nozh, or doing the creative with old Ludovico or Billy, just a lot of bolny creeching about dunging and doing the old in-out-in-out with lamby-wambies. And I know Seanachai govoretts a lot of yarbles. Maybe so. But Bog, where was Pengy while all this was happening, eh? Peeting his warm moloko all on his oddy knocky 'cause he's too poogly to do the ultraviolence in the 'Pool, says I. Makes we want to give him a bolshy tolchok in the zoobies. Makes me bolny, it does. Pengy needs to get his sharries back in the 'Pool and show us he's got the yarbles for it, says I. He owes us a bolshy appy polly loggy, if you asks me. That's my lomtick on the matter. What's it going to be then, eh? ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University

... stamps so I can send out 50 copies of this chain letter. It's an ancient Tibetan good luck charm, and if I mail it to all my friends, it says that I'll receive ... [This message has been edited by Hakko Ichiu (edited 02-02-2001).]

But don't modern tanks come with Corinthian leather upholstery and a beer-cooler in the driver's side armrest? Not to mention the in-flight movies. ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University

Did someone say something? No, I thought not. In other news: The Aardvark Formerly Known as Joe Shaw managed strategically to lose the turn where I turned his Panther into a funeral pyre. When the turn was re-run, he managed to kill two of my Sherman 76s for no loss and is now in a position to put a hurting on my brave GIs. Something must be done. I think I shall write to my Congressman. Lorak is about to fall victim to my brillian attrition and maneuver air-land battle fire and movement defense in depth new economy PepsiMax™ battle plan and stands no chance whatsoever. Germanboy seems to be suffering a case of Autobahn withdrawal. Or perhaps he's taking the idea of being the Hun a bit too literally. Anyway, death to him and all his nasty little Hamstertruppen. Mark IV: Oh the humanity! Oh, the pathos! Oh, I'm so glad this one is about to rumble to a conclusion. Geier appears still to be de-Meeksing his harddrive. Or perhaps he has yet to emerge from the world of hurt that I introduced him to in the last turn. And I'm still waiting to see if Elvis's cats really are fatter than mine. Jeeves was 16 lbs. as of his last visit to the vet, and only 60% of that is flab. ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University [This message has been edited by Hakko Ichiu (edited 02-01-2001).]

... open it to the centerfold. "Honestly," said the sniper, as he removed his mask and revealed himself to be none other than Bauhaus, "I only read it for the articles, like...

Steve & Charles, Contact your lawyer: I'll bet if you wander over to the 'Pool, you'll be able to get jd to represent you for his usual contingency fee.

... seemed nearly in sight, when the Duke let out a high-pitched, feline mew...

... a roiling vat of hydrochloric acid. But even more shocking was what emerged from the steaming liquid, a ...

So, which part of Canaduh are we actually talking aboot here? Is it the far easterly bits full of people who are just like New Englanders but stupid? Is it the island where the potatoes come from? Is it that chunk that's right above Buffalo and is full of up-tight people who think they're just like New York because Donny Osmond shows up and performs three nights of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat every other year? Or maybe the bit where there's all the French people, 'nuff said. Could it be the empty bits populated only by lonesome cowpokes and isolated communities of National Socialists? Then again, it could be the western bits full of pot-growing treehuggers. But I have my own theory. The only place the 'Pool could have washed up in would be the empty bits that no one in their right mind would ever want to visit. Damn it's cold, and nothing to drink but Moosehead. Pass me the whale blubber and don't hold back on that seal fat, eh. ------------------ Ethan ----------- "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." -- Dr. Kathleen Dixon, Director of Women's Studies, Bowling Green State University [This message has been edited by Hakko Ichiu (edited 01-30-2001).]