Who wins the Lawyer's Cup? Vote now!

[Lawyer]

Gentle Jackals of the Jury....

You are assembled here today to decide who should be the First Winner of the Lawyer's Cup challenge. I shall tally your votes using the Florida method, so vote early and often by butterfly ballot to be sure your voice is counted as I desire it to be. I will then announce the Winner here on the CM forum, so watch this space!

The Lawyer's challenge was created to provide the necessary warfare elements of greed, lust, and actual booty which is otherwise not modelled in CM.

Oh sure, the Cesspool Sludge cast taunts and award themselves fake titles. But where, I ask, can be found the cash value and true dishonor associated with REAL warfare in such meager efforts? No, for all their collective bluster, the Cesspoolians (where bacteria is considered a higher life form) are Four Horsemen short of an Apocalypse.

Not so with the Lawyer's Cup challenge! Unbridled Greed was paramount in our contest. That critical ingredient of warfare is ably represented by the Lawyer's Cup itself -- a valuable and rare prize that is, in fact, a previously-viewed (by Lawyer himself) copy of the classic WWII film "From Hell to Victory", starring George Peppard and George Hamilton.

Full details of the Lawyer's Cup challenge and its coveted Prize can be found in the thread: "Are YOU good enough to win a bad movie?" http://www.battlefront.com/discuss/Forum1/HTML/010566.html

Now the contest is over, and YOU must determine who is the REAL Winner. Review your choices below, and cast your vote accordingly.

Five pretenders sought to humble the Lawyer and take his precious treasure by beating him at CM. Two failed in their quest at the Cunning Hands of The Law. However, three believe they prevailed merely because they achieved a higher end score than the Lawyer did.

We all know that winning is NEVER that easy. Hehehehe... And so we are assembled here today to decide the True Victor among those who claim the Prize.

Let me also point out that Lawyer played the plucky GI's in each battle, so it was always David vs. Goliath. As a Man of Honor, I have no excuses for losing... But I DO have a long list of Extenuating Circumstances to explain the unnatural result in certain games where the CM bug gave me a lower score than I deserved. I know you all feel my pain, but stop those tears, Dear Colleagues, for I shall soon be the True Champion!

Here then are the True Facts and Statements of events so you can cast an accurate vote. Remember to put aside your personal views and biases against the Contestants when you vote. **snicker, snicker**

In order of game completion date, the Contestants are --

MANNHEIM TANKER: This Contestant unwisely made fun of the Lawyer's Chinese Firedrill Defense, calling it a "ballet" when all my men started running around and dying under his gunfire. It's not nice to upset Mother Nature or the Lawyer. I was forced to punish such insolence by killing his TWO Panthers in ONE turn with a Sherman and a bazooka. Nonetheless, MT's endless hordes of Gray Zombies finally overwhelmed my valiant forces, and a surrender was arranged. Final result was a tactical victory for MT, score of 66 to 34.

Lawyer recommends you NOT vote for MT. In the first place, he never properly lusted for the Ultimate Prize, so I was able to buy him off with my discarded SimCity game. Secondly, he is off in the woods shooting Bambi right now, so you can screw him while he is unable to defend himself. I am already re-playing him and expect a total triumph next time. Let's leave this sleeping dog alone.

MARK IV: I issued a personal challenge to Mr. Mark, thinking someone with such a middling monicker would demonstrate equally middling skills and expectations. Well, he conned me into a "probe" engagement, which startled me more than the last time I got my prostate checked. Apparently, he had a two-way mirror where he could see and kill ALL my units with his never-miss guns before I could execute my clever plan of attack. He also used non-historical tactical nuclear weapons to terrorize my troops. I fear that I didn't even scrape the paint on his AFV's. What can you do when your Greyhound spooks and runs out-of-control to its death, or the Hellcat refuses to fire its main gun point-blank at the AT gun directly in front that kills it, or a German AT gun crew employs Herculean strength to swing the gun around 120 degrees to kill another Greyhound going by at full-speed. Really!!! Gentle Jackals, there is no justice in this case. Final result was total victory for Mark IV, Lawyer's surrender, and a score of 91 to 9.

The shame, the shame of it all. Nonetheless, despite the score, Lawyer recommends that you NOT vote for Mark IV. I can't afford to swell his ego for our re-match game, when my artillery barrage from the first game finally arrives on GDT (Godot Delay Time) to do him in. Also, for chrissakes, he is a SALESMAN (he calls it "marketing", yeah sure), which is even LOWER on the foodchain than lawyers. AND he lives in Fresno. Nuff said.

*CAPTAIN FOOBAR* (if that's REALLY his name): What planet does the Good Captain live on? In response to Lawyer's challenge to play with historical units, Fudgebar wanted to play a scenario called "Valhalla", which pits all crack Allied units to attack equally crack German units up four sides of an enormous BLINDING WHITE mountain. Just staring at the screen dazed my eyes with a flashback of the Psychedelic 60's. When I demurred at ruining my eyesight playing such nonsense, Foobie came up with the "Singing Slut Shootout" scenario, which is just a giant turkey shoot of Allied tanks stuck out in open fields in the mud. Being a kindly sort, I indulged his fantasy by playing the stoic target while he crowed about his tactical prowess at using hidden Panthers, Stugs, and armored pillboxes to shoot down my defenseless GI's. Oh, did I mention that FooFoo treated himself to an extended absence (rehab center?) and a European vacation while keeping the Lawyer on hold to finish this travesty of a game? And he calls himself a "working man"??? Final result was a tactical victory for FooBart, score of 64 to 27. I still can't believe the AI took away my big victory flag guarded by two tanks because his lousy Jagdtpanzer was within two miles of it. Is there no justice for an Honest Lawyer?

Lawyer recommends that you NOT vote for Captain Foobar. To do so would be a blight on civilization, as well as a vote for all those nasty things that don't go down the toilet on the first flush. PLUS, Foobar REALLY wants the Prize movie. Take pleasure in denying him pleasure, just like his girlfriends and sheepfriends always do.

LAWYER: Now here is a Worthy Chap, a Friend to all, and a Noble Warrior who never quits the battlefield when he is winning. Someone you would leave your inheritance to so he won't take it all for himself after you are gone. Someone you would trust alone with your girlfriend, if she is good looking or rich. Someone just like you, or maybe even better than you... (Just joking, keep on voting).

Lawyer recommends that you vote YES to name the Lawyer the real Victor of the Lawyer's Cup. In your heart, you know he's right!

So there it all is, Gentle Jackals of the Jury. Cast your vote, together with a brief reason for your choice. And I shall be back to you soon with the final results.

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Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

[Formerly Babra]

Oh it's very sad. Very sad. Must we pick from three such patent losers? It's like election time in Canada.

However... I cannot endorse Mannheim Tanker. His nick is too masculine, too testosterone charged. Clearly he has an inflated sense of himself. It's his sort that stomp and oppress all the gentle little Babras of the world. Nix on him.

And Foobar? Can we really vote for someone who cannot spell Fubar? He is a mere gerbil among hamsters, not worthy of consideration. May his cage never be changed.

And so, by process of elimination, I must cast my ballot for short-barrelled Mark IV. Oh, how I despise him. Although he seems poised to go down in history as the first German in 200 years to lose to the French, he has clearly shown he is still better than a lawyer. I suppose God is in his heaven after all...

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I remember it perfectly: The Germans wore grey; you wore blue...

[Guest Germanboy]

Well now, dear Sir. To call this choice, I must say, beggars belief. An inmate in a camp in Siberia cut off from supplies for anything since 1945 would have more choice when paying a visit to the canteen. Oh well, but choose I must, I feel.

So let us see and ponder:

Mannheim Tanker: he's a vet. He's met his wife in Germany. He knows Mannheim. If the last is not sufficient reason to hand him anything, I would not know one except that he put this into his moronic moniker. So there, off he goes.

Capt. Foobar: well, anybody basing true skill on Singsing Shootfast clearly needs their head examined. Have never looked at it, and frankly, from what I have read here, I am glad I have not wasted a minute of my life there. May he join MT in a dark and damp place.

Mark IV: Finally, a man after my taste, an honourable opponent with that modicum of skill usually associated with a rear-echelon supply depot paper-pusher. He might seem like the obvious choice, but alas, not only is he in marketing, he is also morose enough to not hide the fact. Marketing?! Into the pit with him.

Which leaves Lawyer: sorry, but he's a lwayer, and therefore clearly undeserving of anything but spite, eternal pain, and a searing hot rod pushing a pineapple the wrong way up his rear end.

Since that leaves none of the nominees, I would like to nominate myself. I am clearly deserving, and my flatmate has a sufficiently debased taste to actually watch the movie if it should find its way to our postbox, which I am sure it will, if this is a fair and free vote. Otherwise I demand a recount.

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Andreas

<a href="http://www.geocities.com/greg_mudry/sturm.html">Der Kessel</a >

Home of „Die Sturmgruppe“; Scenario Design Group for Combat Mission.

[This message has been edited by Germanboy (edited 11-19-2000).]

[Mark IV]

Thanks, Babs, that was touching. Wouldn't go pronouncing a victory in our latest, just yet.

I would like to cast a vote (several, actually) for Mark IV. He had the best score, and suffered the most verbal and least tactical abuse. He has nobly and bravely offered to keep the Lawyer's Challenge alive, by offering the Prize to other challengers.

I do not expect anyone's vote to be swayed by my promotional T-shirts in a variety of attractive colors and popular sizes.

[OGSF]

I remember the initial Lawyers Cup challenge like it was two months ago. So it has come to this.

I obviously cannot vote for the Lawyer, because he allowed himself to be beaten. More to the point, he is a Lawyer.

Captain Foobar's game sounds like a weasel shooting chickens in a barrel with a large rock. I like it. He did not come out and fight like a man, but skulked about like a snivelling sniveller snivelling snivellishly. And so as the prize of my vote wafts tantalizingly close to his scrabbling paws, I wisk it away for another....

Mannheim Tanker...as Christmas approaches and the jolly season of strange rituals begins, I know that once again I will be subjected to endless renditions of syruppy music courtesy of my darling wife's Mannheim Steamroller collection. Thank you for having a name which prompts such a painful memory and angst filled anticipation. Much like the dweeb who, on a Sunday evening end of a rollicking weekend, announces to all in a whiney voice.."Work tomorrow!". May all your sores burst at the same instant of agony.

Which leaves Mark IV. Who never did a nice thing for me except mention once long ago that "he liked the hamster theme". Which is enough for me.

My vote goes to Mark IV.

If anyone's got a problem with that, I'll see you in the Cesspool.

OberGrupenStompinFeuhrer

[Guest Andrew Hedges]

Not so fast! Who is to say that we are limited to casting votes for just those people mentioned in Lawyer's post? Not me. I say we should think outside the box and cast our vote for someone else. I cast my vote for Lawyer.

Why would I do that? It's simple, really. Although their contribution has been kept secret until recently, declassified American and German documents reveal that the real reason the Allies won the war was because of the contribution of the Lawyer, American Trial.

You didn't really believe the Allies won the war because of the *Sherman*, did you?

First off, start with Lend-Lease...whose idea do you think that was. Not FDR's; he wanted to just *give* equipment to the allies. How can you bill for that? No, it was the LATs (Lawyers, American Trial)who came up with this brilliant idea, Lend-Lease. After all, everyone has heard of lending, and everyone has heard of leasing, but who's heard of lend-lease? No one had...it took American legal ingenuity to invent an entirely new type of legal exchange as the fate of the free world hangs in the balance. No doubt the fact that lawyers were busy defining precisely what lend-lease was, and wasn't, also helped the rest of the economy.

But the lawyers' real contribution came after Normandy, when they could strike at the heart of the German war machine. The Panzerschreck? Awfully dangerous with that backblast and all. It was the LATs who insisted that people who fired Panzerschrecks wear funny rubber suits and have rearview mirrors installed on the schrecks themselves (you probably thought that was some sort of blast shield). The rubber suits themselves (with the accompanying decline in mobility, stamina, and moral [how can you be "elite" if you have to wear a rubber suit on dry land] probably cut six months off the end of the war.

But LATs made their real contribution when it came to German armor. Did you ever wonder why Germans named their big tanks after cats instead of generals? It's not (just) because tankers wouldn't want to drive a vehicle known as the "Moltke," the "Bluecher," the "Rundstedt," much less the "Hindenburg." The real reason is that American trial lawyers forced Germans to install catalytic converters on their tanks to so that they wouldn't pollute as much. The "cat"alytic converter is why big German tanks are named after cats. And it's also why they're so slow; without the catalytic converter, the tanks would have been two or three times as fast. It is for this reason alone that the law firm of Feifel & Feifel won the Distinguished Litigation Cross from a grateful nation.

And those guns...Well, first of all, German guns were just too dangerous. A shell from tnose guns could fly for miles and still hurt someone at the other end. We can't have that. That's why LATs forced the Germans to install "muzzle brakes" on their guns...to slow down the round and make it less dangerous. Now German propaganda tried to explain that the muzzle brake did something else; according to them it "reduced the muzzle blast" from the weapon. Well, that's true as far as it went, but it did so by drastically reducing the muzzle velocity. Even the most fanatical Nazi saw through this piece of flimsy propaganda -- if a high "muzzle velocity" means an increased chance of penetration, then adding a "muzzle brake" will obviously reduce the chance of penetration in the same way that applying a car's "brake" reduces its "velocity."

Now you might think that the lawyers would have also harmed the American war effort, since that would be easier and just as lucrative, but the main reason that didn't happen (aside from the "Firefly" and "wet-stowage" litigation) is because American vehicles were designed with lawyers in mind. Look at the Sherman -- it's not too fast, the gun is not too accurate, and the shell doesn't fly that far. And even if the shell manages to travel a long way, it's not very likely to hurt anyone at the other end. As every CM player knows, you have to try *really hard* to hurt someone with a Sherman.

So my vote is for Lawyer

[Lawyer]

Damned excellent and insightful analysis, Hedges. I like the cut of your jib. Reminds me of my favorite quote from Churchill --

"One must gratefully acknowledge that the real reason the Allied Forces prevailed against the Nazi war machine was the incredible efforts expended by the army of American trial lawyers in Washington, DC who brought suit against Hitler and his cronies in Federal Court, asking for control of Volkwagen as damages."

Finally, credit where credit is due.

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Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

[Guest *Captain Foobar*]

OK, I need to chime in here.

Rumors of my turkey shoot have been GREATLY exaggerated. Both of the lovable buffoons who have taken Lawyer's word for it openly admit that they have never even seen the map. Anyone who takes the time to actually look at Singling Shootout will realise that it is a very tough scenario for either side, for different reasons.

Fact 1- I started with 2 Panthers and a Green Stug

Fact 2- Lawyer had at least 16 Shermans by the time it was all over.

Fact 3- Immobilised tanks? At the end, he had one immobilised, and I had one too. It effected us both equally.

Fact 4- I killed 13 Shermans by the time it was over, for the loss of my 2 Panthers, and a Stug.

Fact 5- Lawyer was always in the match, but just a step behind. His movement-to-contact got him smacked down, but at the end we had equal quantity of tanks left.

Fact 6- MarkIV and I need to duel for the movie. Lawyer originally said that would be the case.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer:

Prize No. 1 -- "From Hell to Victory" video, where a group of "closely-knit friends" are torn apart by WW2. Truly epic in scope, covering the entire war from 1939 Paris to 1945 allied victory. Like all quality videos, it starts with a warning to adjust your VCR tracking if the picture doesn't work (it does work). This treasure has an approximate cash value of $2.99 plus tax at Best Buy, but it is surely more valuable to true war movie fans. If there is more than one player to beat me, they shall duel for this prize<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I rest my case. Mark IV did very well, but I count 78 chads on the ground, and we need to settle this "fairly"

[Guest *Captain Foobar*]

Oh, and you can't vote for Lawyer, he is not a contestant, he is the game show host....

[Guest rune]

HMMMM Decision 2000

Mannheim Tanker...had it been Frankfurt Tanker, he would have gotten my vote. Since, however, it is not, he loses out...

Captain Foobar...Foobie has to tolerate me in the CMHQ chat, a plus in his favor, but he really wants that movie. No taste what so ever, another point in his favor. A possibility

Mark IV, used the hamster wave tactic on my porcupines. He actually managed to beat me, and admited the score was skewed becuase of my surrender...waste not troops that can fight another day. Besides, he said the magic word...Promotional Tee Shirts. [Ahem] A possibility.

Lawyer..geez, did I say more? Anytime someone can take anything from a lawyer.. i consider it payback for humanity

So, showing that bribes work, I vote for Mark IV.

Rune

[Guest rune]

Also, in true Chicago fashion...I vote early and often, so I also vote for Capt. Foobar.

Just in case Mark IV doesn't come thru with the tee shirts.

Rune

[Lawyer]

Foobar, Foobar, Foobar...

Do you not yet understand that possession is 100% of the law? Especially in this case.

Your sad, sad justification of the inherent advantages YOU nearly squandered in "Singing Nun Shoo-Shoo" reeks of revised history for personal gain.

Yes, the Movie will be awarded. But to say that Lawyer, the source of All Goodness in this episode, is not a candidate is to mislead the voters. Once I trounce you and Mark IV in a re-match, the Movie will be mine once again anyway.

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Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

[This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 11-19-2000).]

[Guest *Captain Foobar*]

OK,

You have two choices:

Believe a bitter Lawyer, who has been smacked down hard.

Believe an honest, working class CM player, who is much like yourself. Greedy as all hell, and chomping at the bit to take what is rightly mine.

[russellmz]

lawyer o captain foobar

o mark iv o

errr...which hole do i punch?

------------------

"They had their chance- they have not lead!" - GW Bush

"They had mechanical pencils- they have not...lead?" - Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

[OGSF]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by *Captain Foobar*:

You have two choices:

Believe a bitter Lawyer, who has been smacked down hard.

Believe an honest, working class CM player, who is much like yourself. Greedy as all hell, and chomping at the bit to take what is rightly mine.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That's only one choice. There are two things there to choose from. If there were only one thing, then there would not be a choice.

Not that it matters, I just always wanted to say "That's only one choice". :^)

OGSF

[russellmz]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OGSF:

That's only one choice. There are two things there to choose from. If there were only one thing, then there would not be a choice.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

to save people time:

choice (chois)

n.

The act of choosing; selection.

The power, right, or liberty to choose; option.

One that is chosen.

A number or variety from which to choose: a wide choice of styles and colors.

The best or most preferable part.

Care in choosing.

An alternative.

------------------

"They had their chance- they have not lead!" - GW Bush

"They had mechanical pencils- they have not...lead?" - Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

[Mark IV]

You have 3 choices:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Believe a bitter Lawyer, who has been smacked down hard.

Believe an honest, working class CM player, who is much like yourself. Greedy as all hell, and chomping at the bit to take what is rightly mine.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Believe someone who is willing to send you a promotional Tee-shirt (which promotion is at the sole discretion of Mark IV, Inc.). Plus had a better score. And is above carping about the outcome of elections, but cannot be held responsible for the remarks of zealous individuals on his staff, who are motivated by a desire to see justice done, but may or may not necessarily speak for Mark IV, Inc. (Offer not open to employees of Mark IV, Inc., nor its subsidiaries.)

The choice is yours.

Since rune voted twice, once the wrong way, he will be sent one of Germanboy's tee-shirts, unlaundered, with a small fee for shipping and handling (with sanitized tongs). The blood-stains will come out with lemon juice.

Sadly, we are forced to issue a Form 1099 along with this gratuity, but I know the shirt will remain a priceless memento for years to come, and a welcome addition to any hearth or home.

We appreciate your support.

[Chupacabra]

Do you have baby tees? I have a belly button! Giggle!

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Grand Poobah of the fresh fire of Heh.

[Monticello]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer:

Gentle Jackals of the Jury....

You are assembled here today to decide who should be the First Winner of the Lawyer's Cup challenge. <stuff snipped>

Review your choices below, and cast your vote accordingly. <more stuff snipped>

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Er... where are the movies? Actually, I want to see the battle plan and movies before I vote.

[jdmorse]

Jake

I win you pusilliamous legal hasbeen. True you won before but applying your logic of above, only another lawyer who stayed out of the fray can win. After all never vote for someone who wnats the job.

Your skills are weak old man, send me a set up if you dare , punk

Regards

JD, esq.

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The Lawyer's credo: Covering the earth like a plague of locusts - Mace

[Mark IV]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Monticello:

Er... where are the movies? Actually, I want to see the battle plan and movies before I vote.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Not sure when the polls close on this puppy (?), my tender little Undecided Constituent.

But who cares f-all about battle plans when results are what matters? You wanna guy who's gonna fight for ya, or a guy who's gonna win for ya? Righty-O, you look like an XXL to me... work out a little, do ya?

Monticello, I'm gonna level with you. I need this movie. My kid goes in for electrolysis tomorrow morning, and the last thing she said, as they wheeled her off on that gurney, was "Daddy, can I watch 'From Hell to Victory' when I get better?"

All I could choke out was "Sure thing, baby"... but all I could think, was that her life was hanging by a hair.

I know this doesn't matter to you. You've heard the same old tired song in every gin mill on a dozen continents bigger than this one. But maybe just this once, a miracle could happen... maybe, the truth could make a difference... and just maybe, a little girl's dreams could come true.

Won't you please help?

And if you act NOW... receive "Highlights of the Lawyer's Challenge", in smash-mouth video or DVD, for only $9.95!!! See the turret-wrenching, gun-buckling action close up, and host the CM party your friends and neighbors have been waiting for!!! Real CM video like you've never seen it before!!!! Vote NOW!!!

[Lawyer]

Morse... MORSE...

Thank God, Man, where have you been?? Hanging out collecting "titles" on the Cesspool? Getting nothing, that is NOTHING, in return???

I have encountered dismal days since you first recognized me as a Made Man. These other punks don't realize that I am the Good Lawyer, not like you, the Bad Lawyer. It's like the Wizard of Oz, for goodness sakes. Don't these cretins understand that lawyers are not all the same??

Well, you do, Morse Man. You know that it is you who makes widows poorer and ambulances faster. Then, there is me, who toils for little moola in the capital of Gore-Bush. Oh God, Man, where is the humanity of it all??

So, yes, I shall be sending you a little present, knowing that I shall smite the Mac-Zen-User in you once and for all.

Perhaps there is a God, after all. Perhaps Today....

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Only the Lawyer knows what Evil lurks in the minds of men....

[Guest Andrew Hedges]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lawyer:

Well, you do, Morse Man. You know that it is you who makes widows poorer and ambulances faster.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Hmmm...perhaps CM2 should model the Krankenwagenjaeger.

[jdmorse]

Jake, jake, jake....

True I am evil, that is the nature of thngs and I can glory in the righteous defense of taking money from those that don't deserve it, just as I shall relieve you of your honor and battle aucumen.

After our initial meeting I had to retire for a perod of meditation and spiritual communion, to reflect on the mistakes I made, to draw substance from the earth to be renewed. And like the mark of the beast you shall go amongest them and convince them that you are the good lawyer. And you will point to me and say, Look there, avoid that one, follow me, and they shall, poor deluded fools.

I await your pleasure with antici......pation that the earth will tremeble when Esquires collide....

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The Lawyer's credo: Covering the earth like a plague of locusts - Mace

[This message has been edited by jdmorse (edited 11-20-2000).]

[Lawyer]

Morse--

As it is written, so let it be done. I have missed your Charge of the Light Brigade into the direct fire of my .50's. Let us reunite for another round of Legal Mudwrestling at your expense.

Foobar--

Your time is running out, I fear. While you protest the injustice, Mark IV is smoothly bribing his way to victory.

Tick...tick...tick...