Seanachai

If you're objecting to my ascension to the Papacy, then: SILENCE, UNBELIEVER! If you're simply objecting about nothing in particular, it's not as if we haven't already found you objectionable beyond belief.

Michael, are you simply lost, or are you channeling my inebriation?

Joe, you get the maidens I didn't hand over to Speedy. Try not to bore them to tears. Did you know that I'm actually taller when crucified upside down?

Oh, that thing was a hat? It was all green and herbal looking, so I decided to smoke it.</font>

Hmm...Speedy's vote... Okay, you get the jacuzzi, but without the maidens. And the champagne will not be a vintage year, but it will be French.

Shut yer pie hole and get me a beer, Cardinal Boo! Where's me bloody training mitre? Damn thing keeps falling off...

Yes, he can. And I'd rather pull my own brain out through one ear than have him start up again. Everyone back away from Stuka and do absolutely nothing that might encourage him to start up on his rather disturbing fantasy life.

Funny, you'd think you'd have more fellow feeling for them, then.

Ohmigog and magog. looks blearily around That was amazing! Are these my hands? Where did the penguins go? pulls underwear away from where it's slipped down over one eye... Am I Pope, yet?

Freaking young people today. I could have done it in a day and a half, if the ale held out. You'd think a stalwart young lad, used to the hideous infighting, double-dealing and homoeroticism of today's Scientific and Academic 'publish or die' writing imperative wouldn't even blink an eye at a simple, psychotic request for tumpty-tum pages of gibberish from Peng. I guess those days of easy going, free flowing inspiration are gone...perhaps forever.

Jesus fecking Christ on a crutch, attempting to pogo stick through a field of dog ****e, Elvis! What a horrible bloody title for the Thread.

No, you're not. You're going to be seated for eternity in a jacuzzi filled with champagne, so that even if you should bob beneath the surface, you'll still get a mouthful of the 'good stuff'. Beautiful Maidens (and by 'maidens', I mean 'nasty dirty girls who completely thrill to the very most sodden fantasies of men') will feed you sherbet, beer, and prawns. Your every most degenerate, hedonistic need will be seen to by those you find most attractive. Oh, who the hell am I kidding. You're going to burn in Hell. With a capital 'H'. Whenever you think you can't take it any more, and are on the verge of madness, Rleete will appear to you with large breasts, and forcibly kiss you 'open-mouth, with excessive tongue'. You will attempt to then 'go mad', but will suddenly find yourself distracted by a cricket match, where some inane Aussie team appears to win, causing you to jump up and down. While jumping, you will suddenly realize you're wearing the 'field hockey' uniform of a Catholic Girl's School, and that Englishmen are pointing at you and laughing. While you attempt to 'cover' yourself in a way that men don't necessarily concern themselves with, you'll realize that the scene has, inexplicably, shifted, and that you're in an Australian Tourism Board ad, in which you're being gently, but forcibly mated with by a Koala Bear. At this point, you'll wake up, and realize that you're in Hell. After that, things get a bit grim. Unless, of course, you choose to be the Top Aussie Archbishop of Whatever Freaking Down Under Hellhole of a Province you live in, and accept me as Pope. It's up to you. My ability to pull your quivering little marsupial brain right out of your body, and, Matrix-like, plug it into the most rancid of human experiences, is almost infinite. Can I count on your vote in the College of Cardinals, Macey?

Spoken like a gentleman!

Shouldn't you be less Finnish? How long do you think it'll be before the Moderators sober up and start putting the boot in?

He was a cruel man...but fair.

I shower. People who 'bathe' spend too much of their time touching themselves, the hedonists.

And, doubtless, they'll all get corner offices overlooking the Abyss...

Bah! The current Administration has already sent more souls to Heaven than you've got throwing sulfur onto the natural gas jets and waving their pitchforks in the air while shouting 'Urra!' Oh, well, except for those souls they've suddenly and arbitrarily decided should be put on a feeding tube. What the hell? The only thing I can figure is that Jeb Bush had Terri Schiavo on the lists as a 'voting Republican'.

They're not yours until I'm done with them. And after I'm done with them, Heaven will be their only refuge. I realize this might cut into your 'take' a bit, but I'm willing to concede to your care all the souls that will not embrace me as Pope. See if you get as good a deal out of the Italians, you fool.

In order to streamline 'tithing' (which will help pay for my hideous chemical excesses as Pope Seanachai I), I will set up a Papal 'PayPal' account! My God! The irony! This will allow 'sinners' to make direct, secure internet payments to my Papacy. We may even set up 'categories', such as: Buy Pope Seanachai a beer; Buy Pope Seanachai a really, really fine single malt Scotch; Buy Pope Seanachai the Very Finest Botanical Psychoactive Compounds; Win a Vacation Trip With Pope Seanachai to Hunt Poisonous Snakes with a .410, and (my personal favourite) Send Pope Seanachai to Scotland, Australia, and Finland for a Major Boozer!

Man, sometimes this whole 'bipolar disorder' thing is a hoot!

I bet the seals wish that were so...

A COMPLETE PAPAL DISPENSATION TO THE FIRST 25 SINNERS WHO EMBRACE ME AS POPE! And by 'embrace', I mean full body hugs, but no tongue.

But Michael, I'm here to save them! I will convert the Lutherans! Through the efforts of my Papacy, they will once again become concerned and obsessed with their own sins, rather than the sins of their neighbours! AND AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME PRIMO SINNING! SINS FOR ALL! WHO'S WITH ME?!!!

You, sir, are no false Pope </font>