The Awful TRUTH about Smilies: What the Thought Police Don't Want You to Know.

[MrPeng]

I must take strenuous issue with that subject heading! There is absolutely nothing truthful about smilies, and the thought police certainly want you to know what it is. Therefore, as a public service, I will undertake the task of resolving the smilie controversey that isn't once and perhaps, twice, and maybe even for good. or ill.

So.

There was a time when the written word didn't require pictures to convey meaning. Those of you who may have picked up a book in which the only picture was perhaps a dust jacket photo of the author might remember this time. It existed somewhere between children's story books and your first email or BBS smilie.

If you recall correctly this time included entire words, spelled correctly, and typically some sort of punctuation which would separate the sentences into what many teachers used to call "complete thoughts." Sometimes the author would use a rhetorical device ( some early rhetorical devices ran at only 33MHz!) with funny old Latin names like "praeter itio," which I won't mention.

Sometimes authors used nice techniques called Irony, Satire and Sarcasm (an ascending tri-colon). What seems odd to us about these techniques today is that the words that the author used conveyed the meaning. Certainly there were thickies that didn't quite "get it" when Irony would smack them accross the noggin, but that's precisely because they were thick. One despairs that even the cunning and naughty MrWinky, the Cheeky Monkey, could not raise the intellect of the thick to a level of ironic awareness.

And so it is with our little friend Sarcasm. It is often proclaimed quite loudly that sarcasm is difficult to parse from the written word, and so we should make our intent plain by adding MrWinky, or perhaps even a MrRazz to make double-extra super sure that the target of the sarcastic remark is "in the know."

WARNING: the following statement is inregard to American English, which in my Ignorance is the only language I am able to speak and write. It is not in any way, shape or form meant to impugne any other language spoken here. END OF WARNING.

The English Language is rich: it has evolved over centuries, borrowing from, stealing from and swallowing wholesale entire other languages. It is a Monster of a language. We have at least two ways of naming absolutely everything, dependent upon from which root language you care to select the name. We have so many ways of saying the same thing that it seems we cannot help but stumble accross a way to convey what we mean with only the words. And yet...

OFFICIAL NOTE: the following does not fall under the above WARNING. That bit is over.

And yet, we have become so careless, so self absorbed and in such a hurry to get our two cents in; such a blasted, egomaniacal rush, that we ignore the meaning of what others write. We do not take the time to digest the written word. We do not allow ourselves the opportunity to read what the other guy has written, so busy are we in our sweat to "respond" to our nemesis, that we now require a little helper to convey the meaning for us. It seems the symbols we all agreed upon to convey our meanings are too difficult to decipher.

The ugly truth is that the helpers do not help. They diminish our capacity to communicate effectively with one another. They are frauds. The writer tosses off a smilie because he is worried the reader won't understand the written word. The reader tosses away the smilie because the writer didn't really mean it.

The writer should take the time to write what he means. The reader should take the time to understand. Smilies do nothing to enhance our discourse.

Then again...they are kinda cute, huh?

Peng wearily climbs down from his soap box.

[Guest JonS]

Kool post, dude

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Ubique

[Guest Captain Foobar]

Rather insightful, for a pod person. But I must cry foul.Fnord. The impudence. How dare you, sir. As your kind, in your slithering, odious, repugnant pod lair stand to benefit from this tranformation of the human race into jibberish-drooling buffoons. We hold you responsible for this mental decomposition, with your local news, your fox network, your top 40 music....your ebay. The height of hypocracy, I tell you.

Before you my friends is a slimy deceitful infidel. Crocodile tears shed for dying race. Peng is probably producing, as we speak, "When Pets Attack 5"

[Username]

Always a fan Pengster

Lewis

PS Steve, any chance we can put smilies in the topics also?

[Berlichtingen]

Damn well said.

[Lee]

Don't fall asleep; that's when they get you! Aaagghhh....

[Walt]

Come on! you don't expect people to get allong and communicate effectively do you?

After all, if the world worked that well we'd be anticipating the first 3D, turn based simulation of The Lincoln Douglass debates, not a simulation of a massive conflict that resulted in the deaths of around 50 million people and the raping, maiming, torture, and disenfranchisment of millions more...

Just a thought.

[Guest MrHappy]

Peng is just an old spoil sport. Pay no attention to him!

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MrHappy sez, "C'MON GET HAPPY!"

[Guest Kettle Black]

That was one of the best posts (meaning I agree with every single word) I have ever read in any forum on the net.

Kettle Black

Group Commander

Smilie Police

Albemuth

[Dschugaschwili]

Great post!

Just one thing: most rhetorical devices have Greek names.

Dschugaschwili

[CoolColJ]

<marquee> </marquee>

[This message has been edited by CoolColJ (edited 04-26-2000).]

[Guest PeterNZ]

CoolColJ, that was one of the best posts I've seeno n hte net! How do you do that???

PeterNZ

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.C O M B A T. .V I S I O N.

* Film From The Front *

http://combatvision.panzershark.com/

[Guest Ol' Blood & Guts]

Way to go MrPeng!

I agree wholeheartidly.

Because, I for one have read over those silly little smiles and gotten into an argument because the author did not convey the meaning of his thoughts with the typed word. His message, later as I found out, WAS scarcasm, but I did not see the smiles for the very same reason you gave.

I for one, try to convey the meaning as best I can in the words instead of relying on the smiles to help me. For those that are "thick" as you describe, they don't get it again as you describe. My posts may come out offensive at times, but I usually say what I mean and feel. And I'm not the best Politicaly Correct son of a bitch either, but PC is for the foolish. Political Correctedness is for people who don't wanna deal with the problems at hand.

It's like calling a Garbage Man a Sanitary Engineer, BULL****, he's a Garbage Man!

[MrPeng]

Dschugaschwili;

Thanks for the correction on the source of rhetorical devices. I only remember a bit of Latin and Cicero from high school. He probably borrowed all of his tools from the Greeks. If I remember what my magister said, the Romans loved to borrow from Greek culture.

Thanks all for the support. Re-reading my original post makes me think I should go to bed earlier and drink less. In the cold light of day I can think of several reasons why smilies might have a place in the world. Not that I will sprinkle them so liberally throughout my posts as some are wont to do, but perhaps I may kill and eat fewer of them.

Peng

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Peng sez "die a lot now."

[Moriarty]

MrPeng, MrHappy—whatever freakin' name you are going by now in your thinly disguised appearances on this board—I truly was touched, deeply, by the insightful, thoughtful, bsful (how did that get in there) missive with which you opened this thread.

Truly I was.

Ergo, I, here and now, declare publicly—or pubicly for the typing impaired—that I no longer will use smilies in my posts. Granted, they'll take longer to type because I might actually have to think before I write, but what the hell, let's take the American/English language out for a spin.

Where the frick is my thesaurus?

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I'm drinkin' wine, I'm eatin' cheese and catching some rays, you know. — Oddball

[This message has been edited by Moriarty (edited 04-27-2000).]

[Moriarty]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrPeng:

Re-reading my original post makes me think I should go to bed earlier and drink less. In the cold light of day I can think of several reasons why smilies might have a place in the world.

Peng

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Regarding sentence No. 1: Are you whacked, or what?

Regarding sentence No. 2: Stick to your guns, man.

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I'm drinkin' wine, I'm eatin' cheese and catching some rays, you know. — Oddball

[This message has been edited by Moriarty (edited 04-27-2000).]

[Simon Fox]

Unfortunately the unesteemed MrPing (yes that's the sound of his single neuron firing) is suffering from a severe case of smily envy (that's the correct English spelling of the singular by the way for all you misbegotten philistines intent on mangling a perfectly adequate language with your 'phonetic' spelling, first used by Shakespeare "Alas, poor smily..." (Hamlet); "From this day to the ending of the world, But we in it shall be remembered; We few, we happy few, we band of smilies" (Henry V-the first appearance in English literature of Mr Happy); "How far that little smily throws his beams!

So shines a good deed in a naughty world." (The Merchant of Venice); "Out, damned smily! out, I say!" (Macbeth); even so, I digress).

Even with a veritable smorgasboard of said smily delicacies to choose from can MrPing find one to match the tone and content of his posts....no....alas no suitable smily exists which matches the mouth of MrMad replete with foaming drool, the bulging eyes of MrRolleyes not rolling but fixated and bloodshot, with the vacuous cranium of MrPing. So we have MrPing's dilemma: bereft of a suitable smily to express his intent he is reduced to an all to inadequate medium; the written word.

So, we are left to wonder what possible nutrition can MrPing derive from a few phosphor molecules served in a sauce of photons, but we are hardly suprised.

As for the sycophantic mutterings of the all to shallow rabble: the merest presence of some of them is a source of exquisite irony.

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"Heaven sent and hell bent

Over the mountain tops we go

Just like all the other GI Joes

EE-AY-EE-AY adios!"

[This message has been edited by Simon Fox but not so as to save anyones fragile ego (edited 04-27-2000).]

[This message has been edited by Simon Fox (edited 04-27-2000).]

[MrPeng]

Simon;

I am going to buy a case of beer on my way home and start drinking it in the car. Then when I get home I am going to continue drinking it, and cram as many smilies down my pod gullet as I can before I vomit. (Pods thrive on phosphorus and photons.) Around 2 am edt I am going to begin to write my response to you. In the cold light of day and sober I find I am too agreeable. Swimming in alcohol in the wee hours full of smily meat is when my muse cracks me accross the skull. I have no ego. I am a Pod. (no Moriarity NOT PUD...Pod.)

And speaking of Moriarity, You LOVE smilies. Don't let my hatred of them, (uncooked) turn you away from them. And please, don't try to think, you might injure yourself. Also, regarding your response to statement one. See above in this post. I plan on drinking heavily and staying up late. or early. whatever. It'll be fun.

Lastly, Do not confuse me with MrHappy. He is some frigging weenie who likes to use smilies and likes to bust my balls about EVERYTHING. If I ever see the bastard I am going to kick him until he is dead. The Illustrious SS_PL had his head up his arse, as usual, when he claimed that I am MrHappy.

Ta ta for now.

Peng

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Peng sez "die a lot now."

[Moriarty]

Oh, my, has the multi-personality Peng arisen?

Nah, MrHappy is just a thinly veiled permutation of the same podly MrPang-Peng-Ping-Pong-Pung we all know and love. (There, all the true vowels are represented.)

As for thinking, fear not my dear besotted MrWhatevernameyouaregoingbytoday, I don't do much of that. It hurts and always leads to trouble.

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I'm drinkin' wine, I'm eatin' cheese and catching some rays, you know. — Oddball

[This message has been edited by Moriarty (edited 04-27-2000).]

[This message has been edited by Moriarty (edited 04-27-2000).]

[This message has been edited by Moriarty (edited 04-27-2000).]

[lucero1148]

Mr Peng, Simon Fox and Moriarity,

This is one of the funniedt posts I've seen and there's been quite a few over the months I've been reading. Me thinks you all are intellectuals of sorts. I didn't know they were allowed in this BB.

Patrick

[MrPeng]

Lucero, if that is your real name, what is so funny? Do you find the collapse of the English language from a plague of cyber-cutsey things to be humorous? Mr Fox dredges up trite examples of smilies in great literature to try to obfuscate their real threat to humanity. Just because they are mentioned by Shakespear doesn't make them right. Just because Mark Twain used the word "nigger" in Huck Finn doesn't mean we should continue to use such an offesive word. Nor should we use smilies just because they make a brief appearance in Henry V.

Peng

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Peng sez "die a lot now."

[Guest PeterNZ]

Mr Peng

does a diet of smilies keep you regular?

frankly, i'd be concerned about constipation and excessive flatulance from such an existence.

I can just imagine how it might be for you.. perched over the toilet.. a greeasy plate, the remains of a smilie dinner, at your feet. Your pants down and your face distorted, red, as you try and pass the hugest smilie stool to ever see the light of day and the dampness of the bowl. I can imagine the groaning coming from clenched teeth.. and the squeezing as your fists clamped up from the concentration and the foul stench seemingly oozing from each pore as colon muscles fight against the reluctant excretia. I could see this battle lasting for hours.. attacks, counterattacks, ripostes and thrusts, the eventual victor triumphing in his, or its, good fortune.

I'd recommend suplimenting your food intake to aid regularity and avoid this frightful nightmare! (actually.. I think i've just given myself nightmares conjouring up that image!)

PeterNZ

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.C O M B A T. .V I S I O N.

* Film From The Front *

http://combatvision.panzershark.com/

[This message has been edited by PeterNZ (edited 04-28-2000).]

[MrPeng]

PeterNZ

so YOU are the bastard that planted the toilet cam!

Peng

[Moriarty]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by PeterNZ:

Mr Peng

does a diet of smilies keep you regular?

frankly, i'd be concerned about constipation and excessive flatulance from such an existence.

I can just imagine how it might be for you.. perched over the toilet.. a greeasy plate, the remains of a smilie dinner, at your feet. Your pants down and your face distorted, red, as you try and pass the hugest smilie stool to ever see the light of day and the dampness of the bowl. I can imagine the groaning coming from clenched teeth.. and the squeezing as your fists clamped up from the concentration and the foul stench seemingly oozing from each pore as colon muscles fight against the reluctant excretia. I could see this battle lasting for hours.. attacks, counterattacks, ripostes and thrusts, the eventual victor triumphing in his, or its, good fortune.

I'd recommend suplimenting your food intake to aid regularity and avoid this frightful nightmare! (actually.. I think i've just given myself nightmares conjouring up that image!)

PeterNZ

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Great stuff, Peter. Vivid.

Of course, if MrPenglyPodgorny were in a public restroom, loo, crapper, i.e., e.g., etc., et al, then your pottie cam would have recorded the eight-fingered salute—where all you see is a closed stall door with eight fingers on the bottom edge for a better grip as your aforementioned account of his intestinal machinations pushes that mass of digested and semi-digested (a la corn) smilies out. Of course, accompanying all of this would be "the scream," that horrible, primordial ripper— the sound of ultimate suffering—and the "hoo, boy" when it's all over.

But, then, not being completely up on Pod lore, one must wonder if they are subject to such things.

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I'm drinkin' wine, I'm eatin' cheese and catching some rays, you know. — Oddball

[lucero1148]

The English langauage is pretty dynamic and keeps on changing as do they all. Passing a smiley here or there is another example of how our language is evolving over the internet. Aside from graphical statements we also have to suffer through all the shortcuts like llRC; ROFL; IMHO; IMO ETC. ETC. Is it good for the language despite the bastardization? Well that's a mute question and we can look at the French and their attempts to keeping their language pure by not allowing "bleu jeans" and such in their vocabulary. In other words you can try and stop people from using smiley's, but in most cases laws that aren't enforced get ignored by the general public. Besides the French bureaucrats in the Ministry of Art and Culture spend too much time wanking in public places to actually know what they are doing.

BTW are they selling videos of your toilet cam?

all best

Patrick