nijis

To all the Poolscum awaiting turns -- unfortunately Egypt Telecom has cut off my phone service, claiming that I have failed to pay my phone bills. Given that 1) I am a solid upstanding resident alien who always tries to stay square with the state, and 2) this isn't the bill-paying time of the year, and 3) I never received an invoice, I can only assume that one of my opponents, in a vain effort to stave off the inevitable, called in a favor with an uncle in the Ministry of Communications. Could it have been Croda, contemplating the grim future of a life without armor? Or Morse, who now sees what lies in wait behind every ridge between him and the prize? Perhaps Marlow, having popped my tanks and routed my infantry, is so overcome with delight at his outrageous fortune that his judgement and tactical acumen have deserted him. Maybe OGSF has counted up all his shells and all the remaining unblasted bits of masonry and shrubbery on the map, and come up short. Or PeterNZ, having got only the barest whiff of the pain and suffering that lies ahead, has thought better of sending his troops into the valley of chastisement. No matter. I'll have some friends in the gendarmerie have a brief word with the Ministry employees, who will no doubt clear this little mystery up in a hurry with the help of some gentle persuasion. I advise whichever one is you is guilty to bone up on extradition law if he doesn't want to meet such happy denizens of our legal system as Electricity Effendi ("The pause that refreshes the memory"), the Sudanese Pinky Finger (a real beauty, made of genuine elephant hide, not like the cheap acrylic knouts you find in the bazaars these days), or other devices you may have read about in Amnesty International reports. The rest of you may savor your brief reprieve, which will come to an end when the local phone exchange reopens on Saturday. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin

Triple post. Anybody with any wise-ass comments to make is preemptorily invited to go get themselves buggered by Sekhnu the Leprous Hyena God. [This message has been edited by nijis (edited 12-15-2000).]

Double post. My apologies. [This message has been edited by nijis (edited 12-15-2000).]

I see it's no wiser to turn one's back on the Pool than on a San Quentin shower stall. All sorts of vile lies are being propagated in my absence. No loss, Mardepths? I'll admit that not all's going according to plan, but I see at least one StuG with a big hole in the front that's now good for nothing else but being a shag-pad and scat repository for the creatures of the forest, and a number of your squads appear to be a couple of onesomes short of a threesome. As for Krokus, I'd thought I'd informed you that I was not quitting, only taking a short break to watch you scuttle about a bit leaving a trail of green goo before dealing you a final, satisfying stomp. As for JDMorselimyanopponenthaveIneversuffered, well, um, I'll grant that you got a couple of lucky pot-shots from afar, but there's a whole bunch of countryside your slow, clunky monsters need to traverse before you get close to any of those pretty flags. MacStompie seems to be having good fun making big noises and motoring about the battlefield. Whenever you're ready to fight just give me a holler. I also see that some insignificant piece of web flotsam calling himself dalem has trundled in thinking it would be cute to adopt a five-letter, lower case bisyllabic handle. This will not do. You fancy yourself a grog? Send me a set-up and you'll get to inspect some big ordnance up close and personal. (Ordnance, incidentally, is not supposed to be a euphemism for anything. I don't want to hear about anybody's CM Thingie. Whichever organ you use to play the game is your own business. It's best not to cream on the keyboard, though). Most appallingly of all, I seem to have attracted the attention of PeterNZer. I assure you, sir, that this is just borrowed clothing. I advise you not to attempt to backhand me, as I have no desire to be smeared with ovine vaginal juices, and might be tempted to turn your name and number over to the RSPCA. However, although Ramadan's still going strong, I see no reason not to get the Eid slaughter started early, and will send you a mixed-force 20 to 30 turner shortly. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin

A quick update, before I take leave of the Pool and all things CM for a short while. JDWotmorestinkinglynxes? is amused by my Guido-like proclivities, or some such. I'm not sure what he means by this, but I do wish he would send something more substantive than PzIIs to be destroyed. I want to sink my tungsten into real armor. I trust there will be some around when I get back, because I don't like it when my bitches hold out on me. Treacherous Marrockbottom, under cover of darkness, has overrun one of my outpost positions. I hope it cost him grieviously. My brave Joes will be avenged. The smoke has cleared over Crudite's positions, leaving his men butt-naked to my fire. There will be a fine slaughter. MacStompie thought to take on my armored task force with a gang of scruffy foot-sloggers. The rabble put on a spirited show, but were, predictably, crushed. So I would like to dedicate a brief ditty to the lads who fought, died, and/or buggered out under his banner: Ye, wha hae wi' Stompie bled, Ye, wham he has aft misled, Welcome to your gory bed, Or go back to your hovel Now's the day and now's the hour, See the front o' battle lour, See approach proud Nijis' power, Now to your knees and grovel Wha will be a traitor knave? Wha can fill a coward's grave? Wha sae base as be a slave? The wisest among thee Or wha for Stompie's will be done, Shall go and face the shell and gun, Peon stand, or freeman run? Flee ye wankers flee ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin

Really? People always told me it was German. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin

Happy Ramadan, you joyful commemorators of other people's exterminations. Meanwhile, we celebrate our month of Holy Gluttony in the full and righteous knowledge that every morsel we wrestle down our throat (providing it is digested before the sun comes up) will strengthen our scimitar-arm in the ongoing struggle against Zionist depravity, a quick update of which follows: MacStompie, in willful ignorance of the gunpowder revolution, equipped his men with Claymores, knuckledusters, and broken bottles. In a tactics that demonstrated a typically Celtic aggro-to-brains ratio, he hurled them to death against the cool, composed musketry of my thin green line. He's now skulking back to the highlands whinging about having been once again vanquished by wankers. Croda stands off from afar and brandishes his duck, although I sense from the whiff of smoke in the valley that he will soon be waddling forward to the attack. Marlow and the good Herr UnterpantzInspektor Morse I have yet to see enough of to humble, although I expect that the latter will soon suffer the indignity of having his forward recon elements slaughtered by Frenchmen. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin

Egypt's got a pretty big market for games, mostly of the Command and Conquer/RTS genres but I've also seen quite a few more serious simulations for sale here, everything from flight sims to TOAW. I'm not sure how well they sell. Folks at the office enjoy playing the Mac F-18 sim, and don't seem to mind they're shooting at Iraqis. In Egypt, where we've got a comparatively big middle class, I'm guessing you could expect a market of a potentially a few hundred thousand over the next few years. If anyone wants more exact figures email me and I'll contact some folks who might have them. Egypt is obsessed with its war record, but for the most part not in a critical way. It's still a military dictatorship, and the boys in charge are reluctant to allow their wisdom be questioned. The regime's willing to concede that it lost 48 and 67, but insist it's won a victory in 73 and to a lesser extent, 56. For patriotic reasons, most of the press goes along with this. I find it very difficult to talk military history with under-30s, mostly because they have no idea what happened after the first few days of the Suez Canal. Even very educated, skeptical people don't realize that Egypt took higher losses on the Suez front than the Israelis, for example. This is changing -- the Qatari satellite channel Al Jazeera and other non-Egyptian Arabic media have begun to discuss military history more critically over the past few years. Some of the commanders -- Shazly and Gamasy, for you '73 grogs -- still give interviews and are willing to say unorthodox things. On the other hand, I'd dearly love to see a good game on the 1973 war. TOAW was great but it didn't have mass appeal. At the very least, it would get it through to folks that war's not just a matter of running up a sand embankment, gunning down a few Zionists, and planting the Egyptian flag, as a shockingly high proportion of people seem to think. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin [This message has been edited by nijis (edited 11-26-2000).]

Thanks, Tommi, for all the info. I guess one shouldn't expect non-Hollywood war movies to be any more dead-on accurate than the Hollywood stuff, although with the exception of the final battle and a couple other details it sounds like they stayed pretty close to the actual events.

Oh, and you, Mr. OhGollyEtc. I apologize for earlier having mistaken the target of my assertive armored thrust for a specific point of soft and mushy weakness. I now recognize that your entire front can be so characterized. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin

Word in from Bes, for those who are interested, and they are no doubt as Few as they are Elect. His Hung-Rather-Not-Like-A-Morsiness was finally spotted in some vile lawyer bar across the street from a mildewed courthouse in the dreadful state of Washington, where he was plying the bailiffs with drink in an attempt to persuade them to demonstrate upon him some of the finer points of bondage. Bes successfully performed his little trick, and was pleased by the squeal of outrage that emerged from the assembled prosecutrices. He is now back on my mantlepiece, bringing prosperity to my household and vigor to my loins. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin

Actually,there's a truly excellent movie about Finnish bicycle troops in the Continuation War upon whose scenes I'd really like to base some scenarios. They're all peddling along through some woods, then all of a sudden the lieutenant sniffs some Russkies in the woodpile, raises his hand, and everybody comes to a halt and deploys. In English it's translated as "Ambush." I think the Finnish version translates as the "Road to Mustapekka" or something. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin

This is way out of the scope of CM, but it might interest folks. Never mind Angola, I'm pretty sure cavalry is still being used in the Sudanese civil war. In late 1998, UN famine watchers were concerned about an armored train that was moving south to the town of Wau to resupply a government garrison. Because the tracks get washed out every rainy season and have to be rebuilt as the train moves along, the train was only moving along at a few kilometers per day. The government couldn't afford regular troops to protect the train from the rebels all this time. Instead, they enlisted "militias" from the Muslim tribes up north, who rode down on horses. Rather than pay them, the government allowed them to go on looting and slave-taking sprees in the Christian/animist villages along the way. I doubt they did much fighting from horseback, however, because I think they stayed away from wherever armed rebels were likely to be. In an added surreal twist, the whole mini-campaign was being observed by the UN from satellite. Probably not the horse bits, but at least the progress of the train. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin [This message has been edited by nijis (edited 11-22-2000).]

You will soon be approached at home, at work, or on the street by Bes. He will uncurl his 12-inch phallus, lick it with his cubit-long tongue, and out of it will spit a spunk-stained papyrus scroll which will adhere itself to your outer garments, and he will say to you, "You've been served." ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin

I caught a last parting whiff of snittiness from the esteemed Arse-Inspector Morse some time back there. Well, if you do not care to engage me in battle, so be it. I see the ambulance exhaust has not rotted away your self-preservation instinct, at least. Go back to passing out your business cards in the Rodent Extraction Ward at St. Jude's and trying to convince juries that He who made the hamster, the gerbil and the Norway rat should have attached warning labels on the dangers of their misuse. Contact me if you ever wish to have your mettle tested in an arena where the arbiter of merit cannot be swayed by any amount of shiny jewelry, firewater, and season tickets. As for you, Mr. OhGodSavemeFrommyBeastlyopponents, I am still awaiting this much-heralded assault upon my exposed flank. I expect it shall be a similar sensation to the assault of a lovesick terrier upon my leg -- unsettling, but easily enough dealt with if one has a rolled-up newspaper handy. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin [This message has been edited by nijis (edited 11-22-2000).]

Marabsolutedepths, I'm sorry my prose doesn't titillate you. But I've learned long ago that even the wellest-turned of phrases won't make every groundling in the house stomp his or her feet and hoot with delight. I'll try and arrange some entertainments that are more suited to your delicate sensibilities -- bear baiting, say, or Stone Cold Steve Austin shoving a chicken up Vince MacMahon's butt. As for the noble profession of journalism, well, it is journalists of a kind that you have to thank for your masturbatory material as you're sitting in the john dodging the overseer at whatever occupation you have that you are too ashamed to admit to on your profile. By journalists of a kind I mean nature photographers. Send me a set-up if you dare, or return to your sloppy reveries. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin [This message has been edited by nijis (edited 11-21-2000).]

Beginner's luck, Mr Ogspiffle? What you saw was an assertive armored thrust into your soft mushy bits. It don't take no Church of Scotland presbyter to know what kind of punishment you're predestined for in the near future. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin

Sod off yerself, jdmorse. Your wrists hang limper than the empty balloon of skin that your testicle sack would be, had it descended. You're just jealous that a representative of the only profession more loathed than your own has cropped up here. Incidentally, you will get the complete dossier on Croda's love life once my underpaid stringers are done conducting interviews in fields, paddocks, ponds, poultry runs, aquariums, and petri dishes in both hemispheres. I assume Croda's late duck-related thread, which I have not fully had the chance to review, constitutes a challenge. He will be receiving a set-up shortly. So will you. I will henceforth refrain from posting until I have something pleasant to report -- i.e., the cooing of the grackles as they excise the eyes of your men's rotting corpses -- unless something comes up here to which I absolutely cannot fail to respond. PS: I now have a sig, which you may feel free to ridicule. ------------------ "I can't listen to music too often... It makes me want to say kind, stupid things, and pat the heads of people... But now you have to beat them on the head, beat them without mercy." V. I. Lenin [This message has been edited by nijis (edited 11-20-2000).]

Well, thank you all very much for saying in your longwinded ways that it is advisable to read people's profiles and past posts, and not simply assume that they are male and/or literate -- two attributes which, though not linked to each other, I believe can be shown to be statistically characteristic of CM players on the whole. As for lurking, I assure you that it is the result of being busy slandering, blackmailing, and misleading people over the past year, and not for lack of a having a pair. As for you, Croda, I know nothing about Mechanicsburg, but I'm sure you exhibit in spades whatever regional characteristic of your hamlet is most distasteful to its neighbors. And you, YK2, assuming you have condescended to sent me a set-up, I shall have to answer it in an hour or two because I am currently goofing off at work.

Well, Mr. YK2, I was asking about the general principles of the Pool. The only general principle I have is the ever-present need to toady to my betters and remind my lessers of their degraded state. I assume your otherwise cryptic tag is a reference to the year 1002, a year substantially less interesting than paint drying to anyone outside the field of venereal epidemiology, in which the mudstained masses of northern Europe, released from their millennial angst, proceeded to engage in all sorts of depravity under the assumption that their Maker was not due for at least another 1000, and that by taking said monicker you seek the same, foolish sense of immunity from Reckoning. I would be happy to demonstrate the folly of your ways, in a strictly temporal sense, if you were to send me a set-up. Or you may choose postponement.

Very well, Mr. Stuka. Frankly I have a great deal of respect for cats and rate their spit quite highly, as it is the substance which keeps them clean. Whatever I said that you took as admiration for your trousers was grossly misunderstood. Perhaps you will instruct me better in the protocols of obtaining a QB in the Cesspool, so as to serve as taunting fodder. I would run it through the search engine but I worry that if I enter "Cesspool" and "protocols" in the same field my computer will simply laugh at me. As a general principle, should I seek out the scorned, despised, only-slightly-higher-regarded-than-myself vermin to challenge, or do I wait for them to challenge me?

All right, Mr. OberDyslexicFeuhrer[sic]Bastard, I don't know what sort of fluid you pushed me into, but it's a veritable cleansing bath after having been soiled by what must necessarily, given that they are clearly what you use both to feed yourself days-old haggis and palpitate your scab-encrusted arms for a fresh vein, be termed hands. Consider yourself challenged. [This message has been edited by nijis (edited 11-19-2000).]

After much observation of the Cesspool, I would like to wade in and get my feet wet. I figure it's good to learn the strange ways and customs here, its bizarre code of taunting and ritualized warfare, so that centuries hence, long after this little abomination is annihilated by men from overseas wielding sword, Scripture, and smallpox bacilli, countless academics will have to pore over my long-winded, self-serving memoires for some idea as to what it was like. Anyone care for a QB and/or scenario?

I was enjoying these so much I had to bump it up to the top. Gregory Deych, if you're still there, could you give me a link to your lyrics for Holy War? I looked on the Belpak site but my computer, which can handle Cyrillic in quite a few instances, couldn't on this one. Thanks again for a lot of great links.

I got roughly the same result--I trashed the Germans, not quite as badly as you did, but the Axis won a total victory despite taking more losses than I did and not penetrating the town of Noville. I went back and looked at the scenario briefing, and I think it has to do with not letting them outflank you on the right and cut the road to Bastogne. I'd just assumed that the mission was simply to hold Noville at all costs. If having the road cut does indeed lose you the scenario, I'd appreciate it if operation designers could be more explicit with the victory conditions, given that there's no flags on the map. I had really enjoyed the scenario, and felt a bit let down when it came to such an abrupt conclusion, especially as it would not have been that difficult to hold the road.