Thoughts

[dieseltaylor]

I found these thoughts: I hope you like them.

planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows

up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[ebitt]

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Mr. Lector has some great recipes.

[JonS]

That's Dr. Lecter.

[REVS]

But were they your thoughts?

[dieseltaylor]

I thought the word "found" was a clue ......... : )

I should add that in the UK we only have one Monopolies Commission

and some more ones I have discovered:

We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows Vista.

Welcome what you can’t avoid.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.

When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.

When in doubt, poke it with a stick.

When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.

When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?

When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.

Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Worry is a misuse of the imagination.

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

: )

[YankeeDog]

Very nice, but I think it would be polite to give the author his due; A lot of those are Steven Wright quotes.

[Michael Emrys]

And one at least originated with Yogi Berra.

Michael

[dieseltaylor]

As the sites I got them from did not give any credits it would be difficult. However it does raise the point that a public figure using the lines does not prove he was the originator of the phrase simply he was the one that some people attribute the line to whom.

Given the heavy use of script writers by comedians I would bet good money that most of these quips cannot be attributed to single famous people. Rather like all those Spoonerisms and Goldwynisms that were never really recorded as coming from their "authors" lips.

I do normally like to give credit where possible but with one liners I find it harder to do as there is no distinctive style that ties it to a person and therefore most of the time I think it is giving credit to someone for repeating someone elses smarts.

Oscar Wilde to Whistler - I wish I had said that

Whistler - You will Oscar you will.

Curiously in th UK CHurchill and Wilde seem to have said most of the funny things .....