AAR: 1939 Expanded Fall Weiss .. disorder vs JJ

[JerseyJohn]

AAR: Scenario 1939 JJ Expanded Fall Weiss; partially ficticous Axis and Allied Camps.

At Start:

Allies: Poland, Britain, France, Canada, Spain, Portugal and Iraq.

Axis: Germany and Sweden.

Settings: FoW ON, FrFrench ON, SovPart ON, Yug Part ON, War in Siberia OFF

All starting neutrals at Random Entry,

US & USSR set at 0%, Italy 65%.

Axis -- JerseyJohn.

Allies -- disorder.

Please Note, Numerous Historical Facts regarding Spain, Sweden and Portugal have been deliberately altered to accommodate this Scenario. Francisco Franco did not lose the Spanish Civil War, he became Dictator of Spain in March of 1939. Sweden never underwent a military coup and was never ruled by a General Kuniworth.

Ficticious alliances and paraphrasing of speeches aside, the initial entries have, as closely as possible, tied the hypothetical into the actual historical events.

--------------------

The Background, 1937 – 39.

It began one day when he was alone in his study gazing intently at large globe that had been a birthday gift from his old friend, Rudolph Hess.

He’d heard Hess and those crazy academic types discuss it many times, had even allowed Hess to type much of it into Mein Kampf while they were at Laingsburg Prison. Ah, yes, the old days when Hess had come to join him voluntarily, and he could work in peace, dictating his book, listening to recordings of Richard Wagner while that insane professor and Hess explained their Geopolitical Theories to him. All a lot of rubbish, of course, but now that he looked at the globe alone and in peace it began making sense.

Yes, very interesting the way everything, everywhere centered around Europe, and the way all of Europe centered upon Germany. He grabbed the heavy wooden stand and peered down at South America. Yes, Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay and all those other curious little places. There were plenty of Germans and Italians living there and no doubt they could all be won over to the doctrine of National Socialism. Brazilian rubber and untapped mineral wealth – Argentine oil, his mind wandered – yes, all of South America at his fingertips. And he was already helping that Spanish fellow, Franco, along with his friend and mentor, IL Duce. Win in Spain, sway South America into the camp, cut the British lifeline at Gibraltar and Malta. . ..

Conquer France and allow Britain to sue for a cooperative peace.

Yes, be magnanimous with your close seafaring cousins. They can control the far-flung lands populated by their Asian and African servants. Yes, that would keep those aggressive Japanese in check; it would keep them occupied in China. Germany had no interest in any of that, only expansion to the East. Yes, conquer Russia. Or, more accurately, re-conquer the place. Crush Poland first, then take Russia; both of them stolen by those thieves at Versailles.

Mustn’t forget the first steps, Germany’s essential interests before any of that could be done. There was Swedish ore, Norwegian and Finnish mineral wealth, Rumanian oil, all these things had to be secured before a single step could taken toward the Greater Destiny.

Austria had to be brought into the Reich, and that annoying alliance of France and Czechoslovakia had to be done away with. His finger moved south. Yes, Horthy in Hungary could be relied upon and those foolish Poles could be misled into cooperating, particularly if offered a piece of the spoils. There was Russia to consider, that breeding ground of socialist vermin. But they were outcasts, like Italy after that Ethiopian venture, and they could also be used. It was becoming clear now, the whole thing inspired, really, use the Poles against the Czechs, and the Russians against the Poles.

And then, after France and Russia were safely conquered with the vast eastern steppes properly colonized by German veterans of his first Great Crusade, there would be other things for their sons to accomplish. He saw more of it now, conquer insignificant Holland and Belgium and with that Germany has the Congo and East Indies and . . . .

-- continues --

[ June 17, 2003, 01:13 AM: Message edited by: JerseyJohn ]

[JerseyJohn]

“You once lived in Sweden, Hermann, did you not?”

“Oh yes, a very lovely country with beautiful woman and fine mountains. Very good hunting and fishing.”

“And no doubt you’ve established many lasting friendships in that land.”

“Yes, of course.”

“Friendships with important people in high places.”

“But of course, Adolf, I’ve always believed those are the best friendships, are they not?”

“Hermann, I wish you to do something for me.”

“But of course, you have only to name it, mein Fuhrer.”

“I’d like you to go on a hunting trip to Sweden and meet with some of your friends in high places. I’ll explain my idea while we walk.”

“Ah, Gretchen my dear pet, our Fuhrer wishes for me to speak with some important Swedes about bringing our two peoples closer together. A little palace uprising should do the trick, I suppose. Yes, a little crisis in the iron mines, a few acts of sabotage, some local agitation, make it look like the work of those socialist thugs. And then we organize a little assistance for our Swedish friend, the General. Yes, perhaps we’ll help him become a chancellor just like our own beloved Adolf – hey, would that be good. Yes, I believe so. Chancellor General Kuniworth. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you agree, Gretchen? Ah, there’s a good little girl. And now Poppa will feed his baby some raw meat out in the garden.”

A quick phone call to SS headquarters, a summons for Heinrich Himmler to attend a private meeting at the Bavarian Mountain retreat, and the finalization of Goering’s finishing touch; a few explosions, a few workers strikes, all the work of those miserable, always discontent socialists. Himmler would have the right man to organize all that; perhaps that former naval officer who heads the SD now, that Heydrich fellow.

And fine work it was, cave-ins, explosions, derailed trains, ambushes, political assassinations, all done with a path of socialist propaganda. No choice but to call out the army and grant special emergency power to the General in Chief. Emergency power following emergency power till finally a group of faithful officers and troops, led by their commander, took control of the Palace and Government Buildings. Time to weed out the socialist traitors destroying the country from within. Lists were compiled, show trials conducted, and firing squads kept busy.

A Dictator for Sweden with the signing of the Nordic Pact, announcing the Political and military alliance of Sweden and Germany, following close at hand.

Chancellor General Kuniworth .

[ June 16, 2003, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: JerseyJohn ]

[JerseyJohn]

But elsewhere things had not gone as well.

Alarmed at the events in Scandinavia and witnessing a similar course of events unfolding in Spain, England and France doubled then tripled military support for the wavering Republican cause. Increased aid poured in from the USSR as well, and in Washington the Roosevelt Administration, also alarmed by the Swedish debacle, began a new policy of emergency aid for the beleaguered Spanish population, butter and bread but also bullets for British and French rifles.

By the spring of 1938, the bloodbath over, his supporters killed, captured or in hiding, the so called Nationalist leader, General Francisco Franco, fled to Germany via Italy with as many followers as the Italian fleet could evacuate.

In Berlin the deposed general and the onetime corporal met for the first time. Pleased with the success of his more vital Scandinavian scheme, Hitler consoled the downcast revolutionary and assured him that the future held a place for him as the National Socialist Ruler of Iberia. Franco nodded and tried to appear grateful. There was something about the man he neither liked nor trusted, but a firing squad awaited him at home. He was in no position to refuse his new friend’s hospitality.

A day later London, Paris and Madrid radio announced the Three Power Alliance of Britain, France and Spain.

[ June 16, 2003, 06:24 AM: Message edited by: JerseyJohn ]

[JerseyJohn]

Enraged at the turn of events, Hitler turned south. It was bad enough having Spain go over to those Frenchmen, but to have that obnoxious little Czechoslovakia at his back was intolerable. The more so after Austria had joined the Reich by an overwhelming national vote.

In answer to French grumbling he sends the skilled Foreign Minister Constantin von Neurath to assure the British and French that Germany did not engineer the action, it was a popular decision by the Austrian people which Germany agreed to accept. Though no one truly believes the explanation, it is politely accepted.

The Austrian issue settled, Hitler moves swiftly past his wavering generals to take care of the Czech problem. In answer to their protests about the border fortifications, he replies, with a good deal of truth, that they had become irrelevant with the acquisition of Austria. Indeed they had, the back door into Bohemia had been opened wide for a German invasion.

As the summer wanes a demand is sent to Prague, all the territory populated by the Sudeten Germans has to be ceded immediately to the Reich. Protesting that it was neither a justified nor reasonable demand, because those Germans had never been part of Germany, and the loss of that territory would also strip the country of it’s finest fortifications, the Czechs refuse and begin mobilization.

Germany, in response, activated it's reserves and Czechoslovakia called upon it's silent French Allies to mobilize as well. In response the French called upon their British and Spanish Allies and newspapers the world over described it as the events of August 1914 happening again in September of 1938.

But another Great War was not to be, at least not for the moment.

Unprepared for a major conflict, Hitler’s Axis Ally hurriedly arranges a negotiation conference. Hitler, at first determined to have his border war, reconsiders and consents, allowing Mussolini to arrange the details.

The Diplomat’s would meet at Munich. There would be representatives from Germany, Britain, France and Italy, but the Czech’s were not invited!

The lines drawn and altered on the maps of Central Europe, discussions concluded, agreements made, British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, who had flown for the first time in his already long life, returned to London and displayed his copy of the Munich Pact. A microphone was set in front of him and the event was duly recorded for the newsreels.

“When I was a young boy, whenever I found myself facing a seemingly unsolvable problem, I would close my eyes and whisper those immortal words, ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try-try-try again.’ And that is exactly what we have done. From the verge of tumultuous war we have wrested Peace in Our Time.”

It lasts till the first signs of spring, 1939. A new list of demands was heaped upon what was left of betrayed Czechoslovakia. Her president, a badgered guest at Hitler’s Berchtesgaden, was forced to agree to in full. By day’s end German Tanks and troop carriers entered Prague amid a late snowfall.

Announcing the absorption of the remaining territory of Moravia, Bohemia and Slovakia along with further partition of the nation with Poland and Hungary, Hitler takes the opportunity to publicly answer a telegram from the American President.

“Please state whether the nation of Germany has any designs on the following nations: Belgium, Holland, Denmark, Norway, Finland, France, Hungary, Poland, Romania, Bulgaria, Yugoslavia, Greece, Turkey, Spain, Portugal –“ swaying from left to right, turning it into a seemingly absurd sing-song to the wild applause and laughter of the gathered Party Faithful. Drowned out by laughter, he stops and shakes his head incredulously at the message causing a further heightening of the mass amusement.

Alarmed at last, Britain and France begin preparing for war.

Within months demands are made of Poland, the corridor created by Versailles along with the ‘free city’ of Danzig must be given over immediately to the Reich. British and French diplomats travel to Warsaw, arranging a hurried alliance, but neglect to seek Soviet support.

Ever the outsider, Stalin accepts Hitler’s offer for a meeting to discuss mutual cooperation in the partitioning Poland and subsequent sorting out of the minor Eastern countries.

Tired of von Neurath’s moderate views, Hitler sends the avid National Socialist, Joachim von Ribbentrop, to negotiate with the Soviets,

As the summer draws to a close the formerly bitter enemies agree with incredible speed to a Treaty they both find mutually beneficial. Officially it is announced as a Ten Year Non-Aggression Pact, an announcement nobody takes very seriously.

The Poland Agreement.

=================================================

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To Be Continued

– The War Begins in September 1939 --

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[ June 17, 2003, 04:02 AM: Message edited by: JerseyJohn ]

[Hueristic]

ROTFLMFAO!!!

You really should expand this into a novellte! Reminds me alot of Dr. Stranglove.

Seriously i think their would be a market for this in a fuller form. Keep it up i love it when u go insane and get creative.

[Codename Condor]

hmmm, i bet 5 bucks for AI. Expert level i hope!!

[JerseyJohn]

Hueristic

Many Thanks, it's good to be appreciated

-- Zero hour for Poland is set for later tonight, as soon as the Old Ball and Chain dozes off and I get a little peace and quiet to start dropping bombs in.

Codename

Of course Expert but set at +0 -- can't see any point in fighting all veteran units; I have all the Spanish set at +1 exp due to their Civil War experience.

$5.00 virtual bet accepted!

The virtual bet is off, my erstwhile colleague and friend, disorder, has taken up the Allied Challenge!

Release the Hounds!

[ June 17, 2003, 01:43 AM: Message edited by: JerseyJohn ]

[JerseyJohn]

September 1, 1939.

Word is received in Berlin that the lifelong warmonger, instigator and imperialist, Winston Churchill, has just returned from an extensive mission to various neutral nations. In less than a month the intrepid alcoholic drank at Belgium, Holland, Denmark, Norway, Portugal, Iraq, Yugoslavia, Greece and Italy, all in a last minute attempt to gain support for his country’s unjust cause.

German sympathizers near to the British Throne report that Churchill’s mission, while an overall failure, has -- through bribes and corrupt deals -- succeeded in luring both Iraq and Portugal to the Allies camp.

Meanwhile, Britain and it’s puppet nation of Canada have announced their intention of declaring war on Germany if it does not withdraw from what they shamelessly refer to as Polish Territory by Midnight, September 3rd.

The deadline passes and Germany finds itself at war not only with it’s encroaching neighbor, but also with a Bandit’s Gang of Imperialists seeking to once again bully the German People, no doubt with spies and traitors, the way the did two decades earlier.

But this time it won't work. Through the brilliant diplomacy of it's Fuhrer, Germany has completely avoided the two front war trap while acquiring a realiable ally to the North.

Chancellor Kuniworth announces on 4th September that Sweden will fight alongside it’s courageous ally. He is immediately proclaimed the heir to Gustavus Adolphus and Charles XII by the Reich’s press and media.

Germany’s other Ally, Italy, responds with somewhat less martial enthusiasm. Mussolini states that his country has entered a state of non-belligerence, which is not to be confused for neutrality. Word is leaked that George VI has dispatched Churchill on another special mission to Rome.

As the opening stages of the Polish Campaign develop Hitler includes Italy on the agenda. The question is posed for consideration as three possible Italian stances, neutrality, the country defects to the Allies, the country joins the Axis. Generaloberst Gerd von Rundstedt is the only one to replay.

“Well, Fuhrer, if Italy remains neutral we shall need one mountain division to cover the Alpine passes. If she joins Britain we’ll need two mountain divisions to seal them off. If, heaven forbid, she throws in with us, I should say we’d be required to send at least twelve divisions to defend the place.” The high-spirited laughter of his colleagues ends the discussion with Hitler twitching in quiet aggravation.

THE POLISH CAMPAIGN OF 1939

Major Operations Commence 0001 3 September 1939

-- Luftflotte II (31,13) attacks the Pomorze Army (37,12) and fights Polish interceptors.

-- 4th Army (36,12) > (38,12) attacking the Pomorze Army from the North East, taking casualties while inflicting heavy losses.

-- 8th Army (37,14) > (37,13) crossing Oder and attacking the Pomorze Army from the South, taking no noticeable losses while reducing the Polish strength by 33%.

-- II Corps (34,13 Berlin) > (37,11) attacking the Pomorze Army from the North, receiving and inflicting light casualties.

-- 3rd Army (39,11 East Prussia) > (38,13) attacking the tough Pomorze Army from the South East, DESTROYING UNIT with no noticeable losses to itself.

-- Luftflotte IV (35,16 south of Prague) bombs Warsaw.

-- Luftflotte I (34,12 north of Berlin) bombs Warsaw.

-- 1st Panzer Group (37,15) cuts through the Polish Southern Front and attacks the Warsaw Corps (40,15 Warsaw) from the South, inflicting heavy casualties with neglibible losses to itself.

-- 2nd Panzer Group (36,13) cuts through the Polish Northern Front and attacks the Warsaw Corps (40,15 Warsaw) from the NW, DESTROYING UNIT with no major losses of it's own.

-- VII Corps (40,11 Konigsberg) occupies Warsaw and attacks the PAF, reducing it.

-- 1st Nord Corps Mobilized in Konigsberg.

-- 10th Army (37,16) > (37,15) attacks the Lodz Army from the South West, taking 1/11 loss while inflicting heavy casualties (5/10).

-- 14th Army (38,17 Carpathians) > (38,16) attacking Lodz Army from the South, receiving no losses while reducing it a further 60% to 20% it’s original strength.

-- VIII Corps (38, 15) > (38, 17 Carpathians) attacking the Krakow Corps from the South East, receiving no losses and reducing it by 20%.

-- HQ Bock (35, 11) Army Group North, > (37, 12)

Fieldmarshal Fedor von Bock

-- HQ Rundstedt (36,16) Army Group South, > (36, 15 Sudetes)

Fieldmarshal Gerd von Rundstedt

-- HQ List organizes the Siegfried Line as Army Group West.

-- HQ Leeb is upgraded from Swedish Mission to Army Group Scandinavia.

-- Kriegsmarine, U-boat packs disrupt Atlantic shipping, Baltic Fleet on Alert.

-- Poland Summary: Poznan and Modlin Corps both intact; Lodz Army 20% effective, Krakow Corps 80% and PAF 20%.

Effective 0001 hrs 17 September 1939, the Nation of Poland Surrenders Unconditionally to the German Reich.

Victory Parade in Warsaw

[ June 17, 2003, 09:42 AM: Message edited by: JerseyJohn ]

[Hueristic]

?Well, Fuhrer, if Italy remains neutral we shall need one mountain division to cover the Alpine passes. If she joins Britain we?ll need two mountain divisions to seal them off. If, heaven forbid, she throws in with us, I should say we?d be required to send at least twelve divisions to defend the place.?

LOL, No matter how many times i hear this i still crack up out loud.

[JerseyJohn]

One of my favorites as well, couldn't resist using it here despite all the other times I've posted it.

I picture Leo G. Carroll playing von Rundstedt, as he did in The Desert Fox, saying it in his dry, sophisticated manner.

[ June 17, 2003, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: JerseyJohn ]

[Jim Boggs]

Originally posted by JerseyJohn:

Hmmm....Now where have I seen that picture before?

Hey JJ:

Nice AAR, keep it up. Are you and disorder gonna alternate postings?

[JerseyJohn]

Jim

Thanks, glad you're enjoying this thing, I've been considering it for a few months now.

I hesitated to use that photo but it actually is the parade through Warsaw! As can be seen in the background there are more security troops than onlookers.

Yes, disorder and myself will be alternating entries. I'm looking forward to his photos and commentary for the Allies; he's found some great pictures, mainly from the Axis PoV, for the Tournament Thread. We've also been playing PBEM and he comes out with some masterful comments, I'm glad they'll be posted instead of in e-mails where I'm the only one who gets to enjoy them.

[disorder]

ok, i've been roped-- no strike that-- ASKED NICELY to replace the AI in this AAR. asked to replace a few lines of c+ in a program, to give the game a real feel....IT WILL BE MY PLEASURE!!

(JJ knows im joking here)

first impressions of the scenario(before my move) spaniards hanging out of the rafters. more spanish than we thought possible. they fairly SQUIRT toward italy. both navies are similar to normal, but beefed up, and kreigsmarine start out better "hidden' in the fiords! iraq is nice. allied sphere of influence in med.

so poland falls. many poles begin work on an underground to aid all freedom fighters everywhere!

hitlers death angel (himmler) in retaliation begins a SERIOUS attempt at sending out false info to all europe. having erected a 200k watt transmitter outside of berlin last year, he steps up the disinformation for his neighbors, and his jamming of radio frequencies all over eastern europe. often, all that one can hear on any radio is the so-called FOX channel.

a carrot and a stick is being used by both france and the spanish(at the request of uk) to cajole the italians into seeing the allied point of view. french and british warships cruise along the italian shore as a "reminder" of what a wrong decision might bring to the italian people.

not much for battle action currently going on. the seas are combed for axis subs and any german warship foolish enough to want a fight.

capital and supplies are low in the uk, and the tightest war rationing possible is enlisted. guns before butter. churchill gives the loyal an impassioned plea....

iraq has agreed to support the uk to it's fullest in any action. in exchange for this, it's own elected government free from the uk rule is promised 5 years after an allied victory. its defacto leader young mr. laden is delighted!

we are also delighted to have the canadian aid in our effort. those boys can fight!

we are preparing for a treachorous onslought!

[ June 17, 2003, 05:57 PM: Message edited by: disorder ]

[JerseyJohn]

“Wilhelm SigHeilly here with another installment of the SigHeilly Factor here on Voxx News, where you’ll hear nothing but the straight, unbiased truth from Radio Berlin.

“Here in the no-spin zone it seems odd to me that so many of our foreign critics, who obviously don’t know anything about our station, accuse us of being biased. They're just displaying their ignorance for the whole world to see. But hey, what else can one expect from untermenschen?

“Alright – can you believe the audacity of those foreign journalists who say Germany started this ridiculous war? I mean, like, when did we ever do anything that didn’t indicate we’ve wanted anything but peace? Tell me something, isn’t Munich in Germany, and didn’t Germany go out of it's way to get everyone together in Munich last year for a peace conference? I mean, I was there so don’t come out and tell me Germany wants anything but a good time without any wars anywhere. Yes, I was there and what a bunch of great parties this reporter attended -- but that's not the issue, okay?

"Anyway, getting back to this Polish business. It’s been documented that the crazed Poles sent their deranged commandos across the border to blow up this very radio station. That's right, the one I'm sitting in right now. And you want to know something else -- they planned to blow it up while your reporter was transmitting – yes, wanted to kill good old SigHeilly himself, don’t ask me why!

“I tell you there were a bunch of Poles massed along our borders ready to cross over and grab defenseless Berlin. Whe -- it’s a lucky thing Germany happened to have 1,500,000 troops in the vicinity with a couple of tank groups and a few Luftflottes for support, or we'd have been goners.

“Anyway, this reporter sure sleeps easier at night knowing the Polish Aggressor has been dealt with.

“As for the War, I hope our generals aren’t deceived by this period of quiet because you can be sure those devious Frenchmen and their crazed British lackeys are up to something. Yes sir, up to something even as I speak. You may be speaking too but I doubt if anyone can hear you over my booming voice. But hey, that’s why I’m a star, right?

“Speaking of Stars, don’t forget to call in your vote for Germany’s Greatest Rising Star. Is it Guderian or Hoth for their panzer attacks on Warsaw, or maybe Goering for his fun loving Stuka attacks. Perhaps your voting for von Bock or von Rundstedt for commanding the whole thing. Anyway, you vote and you decide. After all, it’s a free country – within sensible limits!

“I intended to interview a few guests tonight, you know, kind of have them present some idiotic dissenting opinions, but they've all committed suicide in Gestapo safe houses. Well, it's hard to discuss anything with people who insist on beating themselves to death.

"And here's my closing thought. We should all just lean back and love the New Order and be happy in the Wonderful World of Tomorrow that National Socialism is already building Today!

"That’s it for tonight’s edition of the No-Spin Zone. Till next time, this is Wil SigHeilly for the Voxx News Network saying, Good Night and Good Hunting to all you submariners. Sig Heil!”

[ June 18, 2003, 03:13 AM: Message edited by: JerseyJohn ]

[Kuniworth]

Chancellor General Kuniworth salutes the great JerseyJohn and wish him all the best in the justified crusade against various european scum.

[ June 17, 2003, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: Kuniworth ]

[JerseyJohn]

Thank You Chancellor, You are Truly the Rightful Heir of the Great Gustavus Adolphus!

[disorder]

intelligence says general johan travolta has apparently been promoted and taken the lead of the western army groups for the nazis. rumored to have spent his youth in the u.s., and taken back elements of our culture (from hollywood/new jersey), back with him to his prussian roots.

we will expect him to be an adequate leader but unable to conform fully to the command position given him. a round peg in a square hole, so to speak.

apparently the atlantic ocean sweep has produced nothing for wolfpacks.reports have been issued noting that a NEW HIGH-TECH silencing mechanism for the nazis may be to blame. we continue our patroling.

italy has shown it's disgust with all actions involving becoming an ally. we have one last hope. prime minister salomar ketch, (actually a distant relative of chancellor kuniworth), will arrive in palermo next month to try and avert last minute issues involving spain/france and the uk.

we have high hopes for comrade salomar ketch and his mission of mercy.

england is ever-vigilant!

[ June 17, 2003, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: disorder ]

[Hueristic]

This threads the ****! I'm linking it from General forum.

Suicidal beatings in "Gestapo" Safe houses LMAO

[JerseyJohn]

Mr. H.

Glad you're enjoying it -- now that we're linked to the General Forum it means this Thread is reaching the very fringes of Civilization!

[Hueristic]

That picture of Comrade Salimar Ketch is Priceless! You picked a good sparring partner

[JerseyJohn]

--Hueristic

Agreed, he's got a unique talent for this sort of weirdness. The only way I can even hope to keep up with him is by skipping all my anti-hallucinogenit medication. It's a bit hard on the missus, but it's the price one pays to achieve the truly weird.

I'm hoping to get PBS interested in this version of history. In textbook form it would be a lot easier getting kids in school to study these otherwise dry events -- so what if it didn't exactly happen this way! Most of the facts are covered up any way. For all we know this is the way it actually did happen. :confused:

[ June 18, 2003, 03:14 AM: Message edited by: JerseyJohn ]

[JerseyJohn]

"Ah, they think that part-American, part-Italian Dancer Travolta is actually in charge of something! That is rich indeed. They don't realize I'll do anything to aggravate those stuffy Prussian Aristocrats, which is precisely why I made that mutt a general! And this Comrade Salamander they've sent to Italy, he looks like a real winner. Poor Benitto, he's probably already got a few like that one. Acht, and as usual a brilliant article by Wilhelm SigHeilly on our peaceful intentions. And he believes it! -- Now it's off to the ceremony promoting Travolta from private to general."

"Like I dig this Hitler guy, he's sort of Nutsy! My greatest creation since Jazz."

"It's a disgrace, Mein Fuhrer, the man is dancing -- and what kind of uniform is that?"

"You're too stuffy, Keitel, the troops love him."

"Mein Fuhrer, please, let me have him shot -- I'll do it quietly."

"Give him time, Himmler, you'll come to like the man. Perhaps he can even teach your storm troopers how to dance and loosen up a bit and be more likable."

"In the Navy he'd be washing dishes."

"In the Army he was washing dishes! I certainly didn't make him a general!"

"If he were in the Luftwaffe I'd transfer him to -- to Sweden! Honestly, Adolf --"

"Hermann, really, you must admit he has a fine sense of rythym and an eye for the opposite sex."

"I can say the same thing about my horse!"

(Sung to the Tune of "Grease is the Word!")

"We Fight This War in Such a Great Big Way,

Killing enemies Ever-ry Day,

and get such ****-ty pay.

We fight the Froggies from the crack of Dawn,

Though the SitzKrieg makes us yawn,

We do it en-ee-way,

Fuhrer's the Word --

He's got the Look,

He wrote a Book,

He's got charis-ma --

We go on shooting for our Dear Adolf,

We Scream, Heil Hiter--

We just blow their heads off.

Us Germans shoot and fight and join the fray,

We kill them every way,

And then we roll in the hay,

Fuhrer's the word.

He's got that look,

Like Captain Hook,

The man's no schnook,

Fuhrer's the word --

We kill and slaughter through the bloody day,

Frenchmen just targets of clay,

And we like it that way,

Fuhrers the word --

We drop the bombs,

We shoot the shells,

We crack their skulls,

Fuhrer's the Word.

Chamberlain's a turd. ..."

Meanwhile, in Rome . . ..

"I warn you for the last time, Sala-meander or whatever you're called, keep bothering me and I'm a'gonna deck you right here and now! At least Churchill brought his own supply of booze for me to share. You, you crazy bastard, all you bring is talk of little men from outer space!"

Back in Berlin . . ..

"Wow, an interview with Rolling Skull Magazine! I can dig it.

"Yeah, getting promoted to general was a big surprise but it shows the skeptics what a great place Nazi Germany really is. Hell, you want the Land of Opportunity, it's over here, not on Wallstreet, not in Hollywood, but right here!

"As for meeting the High Brass, I don't know what happened, everyone seemed to vanish after the ceremony. But hey, there's a war going on and I understand.

"-- Do I think they're jealous of my success? You bet your ass they are and they ought to be, I mean, that old fart Keitel probably had to get promoted from Captain to Corporal to Colonel to Sergeant to Major -- I get these ranks a little mixed up. And now here I am his boss or something, I mean, like general's higher than fieldmarshall or something, right?

"-- Keitel's my boss? You sure? -- Hey, guess I shouldn't've said he was an old fart, huh? So, okay, I guess fieldmarshal is higher than general but I'm still higher than a sergeant, right? I mean, jeez, I'd hate to go back to washing those pots and stuff, like, man that's the one part of this war that's really sucked so far! That, and also crawling through the mud and stuff. General's higher than a leutenant and midshipman and stuff like that, right?

"-- No, they never did teach me how to shoot one of those things but it can't be much different from dancing, right?

"I bumped into Goering on the way in and asked him who I had to see about getting one of those fancy ruby and gem laden batons like he's got. He said Dumkopff or something -- anyone know where I can find this Dumkoff guy? Or the other one, let's see, I think he also said, SheistKopff. Anyone know where I can find either of those guys to make me one of those things? Maybe I just get it in the mail or something, huh?

"I'm trying to get my old choreogropher, Irving Feldstein, to come join me but he doesn't want to leave New Jersey. I don't know, he doesn't think he'd be happy here. I told him how great the place is and how I'm finally a success, but he just won't leave America. Hey, go figure!

"I mean, like, it's all so incredible. Think of it, a week ago I was a nobody being booted out of basic because I couldn't remember how to stand at attention, then I get sent to a kitchen and next thing I know I'm promoted from a private zero-class to general. What a cool place for us ordinary working stiffs!"

And, on a cold November Night, Admiral Doenitz receives a mysterious visitor who also seeks an interview.

"Darling, I love strong men like yourself, especially when they wear the uniform of an Admiral in the Kriegsmarine! You're so daring and brilliant and used to having your own way. And so am I, and right now I want an admiral.

"And such an important one at that! Those Battleship Admirals like that outdated Raeder, what does he count for compared to you, why, nothing at all! I would never even say hello to that one!

"His puny 32,000 sister ships, Scharnhorst and Gneisnau only pack 11" guns, like those toys, those 11,000 ton armored cruisers, I'll bet you pack something much bigger. And those 45,000 ton sister ships of his, Bismarck and Tirpitz, even they are only recently off the slipways and when finished will only have 15" guns, not even matching the 16" weapons of Britain's Rodney and Nelson.

"But you, you're armed with a torpedoe!

"And those little aircraft carriers of his, The Peter Strasser and Graf Zeppelin, they can only carry forty-two planes each and have been sitting in the water, barely launched, for three years now. But you, you've got three full strength U-boat packs roaming the seas somewhere, sinking ships and causing mayhem while those foolish English and French look in all the wrong places -- they're no match for a genius like yourself!

"Oh --, it must be so wonderful to know of such things. I'm only a simple farm girl and understand nothing of such manly matters, all I know how to do is, well, you'll find out.

"But if I did comprehend such things as naval tactics, I'd bet, based upon their range and cruising speed as calculated from their last locatations that they're approaching -- oh, but this is all too complicated for me, why, I can barely handle a row boat and they're so hard on ones back when one is a simple girl with a friend. Not like that big comfortable looking leather couch you've got over here.

"Anyway, I'll bet those U-boats are right where they'll do the most harm and those stupid English and French will never find them!

"I'll bet they're at -- no, let's play a game, the simple farm maiden and the Worldly Admiral. I'll try in my simpleminded way to guess the locations of WP-1-2 and -3, and if I'm wrong you get to laugh your handsome head off and call me a dumb blonde and show me on that large map exactly where they are so it will be painfully obvious that I'm only your stupid sex slave.

"Oh, Carl, it's so hot in here, or is it only my passion wanting to be unleashed upon you?

"The U-boats, they're not in the Baltic, right? So then, but, oh, that was stupid of me, I just wasted my guess, didn't I? Oh, and now I must pay by being dragged naked over to that big, big wall map so you can mock me and point out how very stupid I am pointing to their positions on the map and also the exact coordinates of their supply ship rendevous and when they meet them. Of course I won't comprehend any of it, but at least I'll learn my lesson and will know better next time, no use trying to outwit such a big, smart naval man, like yourself!"

[ June 18, 2003, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: JerseyJohn ]

[disorder]

Jerseyjohn said--

"Hermann, really, you must admit he has a fine sense of rythym and an eye for the opposite sex."

"I can say the same thing about my horse!"

[JerseyJohn]

Glad you enjoyed it oh most Noble Adversary.

[Moon]

Guys, this thread is overloaded. In order to prevent the UBB software from crashing, I'm locking it up. Feel free to start a new thread (without pictures) if you like.

Martin