The Adder Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 To our American cousins; this just in from the Palace: "Buckingham Palace 14th November 2000 NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the residents of the United States of America, In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective today at Five O'Clock Greenwich Mean Time. Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties forthwith over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Florida, which shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic Majesty, King Juan Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that difficult. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour). We are hoping to get together at least an American rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank you for your cooperation. Welcome Back." The Adder ------------------ "The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race; they have no word for fluffy" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pzvg Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 Ain't gonna happen, y'all Brits are a mite too much like yankees fer me 'sides, it don' matter if we'uns don' E-lect a new pres, we ain't had one fer years now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spook Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 Yep, that's been circulating a few days now. It even got onto the "History Channel UK" forums. One tongue-in-cheek humorous (or humoUrous?) reply to this revocation (in bold text) on that forum area was given as follows: ----------------------------- NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. It'll typically get thrown out with the rest of the tree-killing junk mail. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". Wellllll, hey, howdy-do y'all about 'dem 'dere high-falooting words. Geeeeepers, I'sa thought that "vokaboolaree" was something we'd add to our moonshine. And ain't "interspurssed" what you do to yer missus on yer wedding night? (insert accent) 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. Silly boy. You actually thought that the US government---let alone the UK government---could actually control MicroBorg? That whole antitrust case was all a smokescreen to give the illusion of "federal power." 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. You mean you all don't talk like Paul Hogan? You'd all rather presume to sound like Roger Moore or Mr. Bean? 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hey, they get thrown in as such in chick flicks. You never watched "Notting Hill"? Give me a good long list of films where Hugh Grant is the baddie. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. Oh, we might learn it. And as typical of lazy former-US citizens with poor attention spans, we'll soon forget it. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind offootball. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like big girls blouses). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. OK, vocabulary check to you in turn---what is "offootball"? And get it right, buddy, it's SOCCER, not football like you like to call it. We're just waiting for the rest of the world to catch on, as you soon will now that you've reclaimed us. Don't you think that you can ever get the former-US "Soccer Moms" to convert by name to "Football Moms". As for rugby, sure, that sounds great for us to look forward to. That gives a chance for 99.3% of former-US males to be brain-damaged by age 30, as it is by percentage now in the old UK. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****". Nuke Quebec? No way. There might be some good cut-scene material in that province to use in the next "Red Green" show. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". I think you'd rather it'd be "Decision Day", by your decision to revoke the existence of the US federal government. 'Course, I ain't complaining........ 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Tsk tsk tsk. Is that the best you can offer us? German cars like the VW Pissant? No special UK models? Hmm, it's kinda hard for me to get enthused about this UK takeover anymore. Oh, well, it don't matter, we all buy trucks & SUV's far more often in the former-USA than dumb-ass cars....... 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us bonkers for almost forty years. Please don't make the erroneous presumption that JFK was actually there to be assassinated. He's been alive & well all this time in Limerick, fundraising for the local IRA chapter. Thank you for your cooperation. American Colleagues, that was the time to prove you understand the English sense of Humour, and yes I did mean to spell that with the "u"! And thank you for your "merger" efforts. Yes, I do look forward to this new state of affairs and getting re-acquainted with British history. (Hey, at least Winston Churchill understood the proper use of a cigar, unlike a certain US President...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tango Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 ... and the funny thing is, without U.S. help there would be no kingdom to return to, everyone would speak German by now. Plus, a nation which let its soldiers wear RED (as target-marker) for centuries didn't really show too much intelligence... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Heidman Posted November 17, 2000 Share Posted November 17, 2000 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tango: ... and the funny thing is, without U.S. help there would be no kingdom to return to, everyone would speak German by now. Plus, a nation which let its soldiers wear RED (as target-marker) for centuries didn't really show too much intelligence... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> A common myth. Wearing red made perfect sense for British soldiers. In the time of muskets, camouflage was both unecessary and detrimental in combat. When generals gave orders based on formation and visual line of sight, it was very important to be able to see your troops easily. The better they are seen, the easier they are managed. When combat occurs at ranges under 100 yards, and the opponents lined up facing one another, what color you were wearing hardly made any difference. And when your chosen weapon is lucky to hit water if you fired it out of a boat, it was necessary to line up at short ranges in order to deliver decisive amounts of firepower. Whatever the colonial British might have been, stupid when it comes to warfare they were most definitely not. The "Minuteman" legend notwithstanding, the fledgling USA did not force the British from the continent until we managed to learn to fight the Brits on their own terms, and that meant a standing Colonial Army, and lining up in rows just like the Brits. All that guerilla camouflage stuff is fine for Hollywood and stories, but all it can accomplish is harassment. Jeff Heidman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Compassion Posted November 18, 2000 Share Posted November 18, 2000 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The Adder: 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Cool... Sex Pistols version, right? "Noooo Fuuuture for You!" Woohoo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maximus Posted November 18, 2000 Share Posted November 18, 2000 I wanna know about the UK auto industry... Oh yeah that's right...there isn't one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wittmann Posted November 18, 2000 Share Posted November 18, 2000 I want to know, why there's a world series in baseball and no-one other than Americans play...In England there is a similar game called rounders.....played by girls! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disaster@work Posted November 18, 2000 Share Posted November 18, 2000 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Wittmann: I want to know, why there's a world series in baseball and no-one other than Americans play...In England there is a similar game called rounders.....played by girls!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Well, we Canadians can field two teams in the World Series but they're all Dominicans and Americans. Well, Larry Walker is from Maple Ridge, B.C. ------------------ ---- To download my scenarios: go to http://www3.telus.net/pop_n_fresh/combatmiss/index.htm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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