Guest Babra Posted February 29, 2000 Share Posted February 29, 2000 The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO) 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. Burns down local villages for giving comfort to snakes. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. Picks up trail of C-Rat detritus and follows it home. 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life. 15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder, and will be released for distribution when form T-735/14A has been completed in triplicate and duly submitted.) 16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date due to missing T-735/14A. 17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also too cold, was clear with overcast, excededingly dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's. 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy. 25. Field psychiatrist: -- Assume the snake is dead.... How does that make you feel, son? ------------------ Floreat Jerboa ! [This message has been edited by Babra (edited 02-28-2000).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisPick Posted February 29, 2000 Share Posted February 29, 2000 ROTFLMAO! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindan Posted March 1, 2000 Share Posted March 1, 2000 Babra: You get the 'Lindan's Award For Best Post Of The Week'!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trooper Posted March 1, 2000 Share Posted March 1, 2000 Whoa.. it's been added to since last I saw it. Here's a few more from about a year ago on my website... - Leg: Runs screaming away from the snake. - Paratrooper: Kills the snake. - Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty....Ouch! Hey, That's not a kitty cat." - Infantry (alt): Ugh! Me See Snake. Me Like Snake. Ouch! Me No Like Snake. - Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes. - Procurement: Orders feasibility and cost study for Mobile Counter-Snake Attack and Deterrence System, tentatively coded the XMCSADS 1-A-2 (the 1-A-1 model was just the idea). Develops prototype with full-tracked mobility, 15-inch-equivalent Chobham armor, and a servo-controlled, laser-guided 11-foot titanium pole (nobody would go near it with a 10-foot pole), with a Y-shaped prong at the end and a teflon-coated, steel cable retractible noose. In field test, prototype causes so much ground vibration that every snake within 100 miles scurries underground, causing the XMCSADS to run out of fuel and be towed back to base before it can even test the capture systems. Developer assures Pentagon that the unit can work if it is upgraded to support nuclear power plant so it won't have to stop to refuel. When word of this leaks out, anti-nuclear activists join herpatologists in picketing manufacture and testing sites. Fifteen years later, Congress is still debating whether to cancel the $300-billion project when a cross-eyed private on midnight watch at Fort Spittoon, Alabama discovers that snakes can easily be killed with a flashlight and a 9mm pistol. The private mentions this to his platoon sergeant, who passes the idea up the chain of command; the private is given a "medical discharge," and the XMCSADS project continues until the private appears on 60 MINUTES, at which point the Pentagon concedes that "while snakes pose a grave danger to the national security, we have been hoodwinked with the XMCSADS project and we intend to pursue legal action against those responsible." I kinda think that last one is rather accurate actually.. Take care all... Manic Moran Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fionn Posted March 1, 2000 Share Posted March 1, 2000 Sergeant York. I can just see the planning discussions. High ranking pencil pusher "Hmm, the ZSU-23-4 works very well. Let's make our equivalent but let's do it quickly.. Let's see, we have old tank chassis, 40mm cannon and some non-optimised radars. Inter-system compatibility is negligible. Sounds like a great system, let's waste a few hundred million building some and then waste a few years trying to cover up that it is godawful. " *sigh* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest rune Posted March 1, 2000 Share Posted March 1, 2000 Fionn, Want to see something truly sad, look up the development of the Bradley. Was originally a cheap way to carry a squad of infantry. By the time it was over, it was almost a Sgt. York. Thank God the isrealis made changes that were forced upon the US. The movie about it [a comedy] had a lot of facts correct. Rune Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fionn Posted March 1, 2000 Share Posted March 1, 2000 Rune, Roger that. On the other hand I always thought the US should just have started out saying they were gonna try to make a copy of the BMP2 and just be honest about it instead of making some sort of skyscraper-tall abortion of an APC sneakily. I've always had a soft spot for IFVs and thought the BMP1 was one of the largest advances in warfare this century. Of course, a great weapon can be crippled by poor doctrine (driving buttoned up through a city *sigh* ). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trooper Posted March 1, 2000 Share Posted March 1, 2000 I'm not 100% sure about the Israeli involvement in the Bradley production. I thought that was a bit of artistic license in the movie 'Pentagon Wars' (Which was a lot of fun actually) Last I checked, the Israelis never bought Bradleys. Manic Moran Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest R Cunningham Posted March 1, 2000 Share Posted March 1, 2000 SGT York almost worked. It was a two-part plan. One part was to see if something could be built from off the shelf components and it was also a cover for some nefarious spending in the Reagan Administration. It could have worked, but buying Gepards from the start would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest rune Posted March 1, 2000 Share Posted March 1, 2000 Trooper, you are correct, the Isrealis found problem with the bradley, and did not buy. they did make suggestions however. The only countries that have the M2A3 are the USA and Saudi Arabia. As I said, the movie got some facts right. rune Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Posted March 1, 2000 Share Posted March 1, 2000 I've been looking for that snake thing ever since I saw part of it ------------------ The names Ash, Housewares Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin Posted March 1, 2000 Share Posted March 1, 2000 I could have sworn this has been posted before. ------------------ Visit my webpage! http://cm4mac.tripod.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spider Posted March 14, 2000 Share Posted March 14, 2000 Kewl post, Forget gepards me want massed formations of OTO-Melara Otomatics!!!!! looks like the vulcan will be around a bit longer... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gen. Sosaboski Posted March 14, 2000 Share Posted March 14, 2000 ROFLMAO! What about an A-10 pilot versus snake? ------------------ Sosabowski, 1st Pol. Abn. Yes, I know my name is spelled wrong as a member! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G Ned Anderson Posted March 15, 2000 Share Posted March 15, 2000 <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by spider: Kewl post, Forget gepards me want massed formations of OTO-Melara Otomatics!!!!! looks like the vulcan will be around a bit longer...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Is this that Italian doohickey with the godawful overside 76mm AA turret on it? Does anyone actually use that thing?? G Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffRaider Posted March 15, 2000 Share Posted March 15, 2000 A-10: Targets snake, lines up 30mm cannon, prepares to fire but is ordered to RTB. A-10 project cancelled by Jane's High Command. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gen. Sosaboski Posted March 15, 2000 Share Posted March 15, 2000 LOL! Great job Jeff! ------------------ Sosabowski, 1st Pol. Abn. Yes, I know my name is spelled wrong as a member! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trooper Posted March 15, 2000 Share Posted March 15, 2000 Re the OTOMatic. No, nobody uses it. Lovely idea though, I'd hate to be the poor beggars on the receiving end. Two 3" high explosive rounds every second? Ouch.. NTM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spider Posted March 15, 2000 Share Posted March 15, 2000 thats the one, one of the many failed private ventures, its supposed to be ;lllllleeeeettthhhallllll against choppers, it blows em away before they can get into missile range, i does like em well with chips and a sesame seed bun! ------------------ This is my rifle, this is my gun. This ones for killing, this ones a tasty alternative to turkey at christmas..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howitzer Posted March 16, 2000 Share Posted March 16, 2000 Babra: I laughed like crazy at work reading your post! Thanks for getting me fired! Steve C. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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