The Edinburgh Fringe one-liners

[dieseltaylor]

The top jokes were:

• 1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." [ David and Victoria Beckham have children called Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper Seven]

• 2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

• 3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

• 4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

• 5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

• 6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

• 7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

• 8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

• 9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

• 10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

[Michael Emrys]

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

That one was pretty good. The rest were mostly lame to one degree or another.

Michael

[Bigduke6]

There was a time when giants walked the earth...

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." - Groucho Marx

Take my wife ... please - Henny Youngman

I get home from a trip, I decide to have some fun. I ask a cabbie where I can find some action. He takes me to my house. I tell ya, no respect! - Rodney Dangerfield

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. - Sid Caesar

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. - Milton Berle

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

Answer: A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou.

Question: Name three things that have yeast. - Johnny Carson as the Amazing Carmac

I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells. - Richard Pryor

Water? I never touch the stuff. Fish fornicate in it you know - W.C. Fields

A hard man is good to find. - Mae West

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up. - Lenny Bruce

Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder? - Don Rickles

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? - George Carlin

Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. - Redd Foxx

They say that housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. - Lily Tomlin

You’ll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheney is drinking water. - Robin Williams

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice. - Bill Cosby

I once went outside and saw an elephant in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas I'll never understand - Groucho Marx

[Michael Emrys]

My all time favorite Rodney Dangerfield: "I can't get no respect. I go into my favorite bar and the bartender asks me, 'The usual?' and I tell him, 'No, surprise me.' So he pulls out some naked pictures of my wife."

Michael

[Spinoza]

[John Kettler]

dieseltaylor,

When I first encountered the thread title, my initial thought was maybe it was some new kind of beard. Fun thread, though!

Regards,

John Kettler