The Once and Whenever Lurker: I was Madmatt's Bastard Son

[The_Capt]

It's like the "English Patient" accept that instead of the Bleached Blonde in the Bathtub it is a Bald 40 yr old former bouncer now network admin goon. And instead of English Army idiots it is a bottle of rum.

Besides that it is pretty much the same damn thing....accept Madmatt in the bath tub, black pubic hair and all, which will make you wake up screaming so don't even go there.

For those who care, PIPPU is fine and well. He fancies himself as an "observer" of the Axis offensive on the Eastern Front and currently is enjoying a fine bowl of Belt Soup.

Between me and you I don't give the l'il Vichey prick more than a week before he becomes some OberstL's favorite "sock" if you get my meaning.

Well here we are...I finally decided it was time to put out another shpeel once I saw Seanachoo's attempt to add a little "peppa" to the forum. I love the boy like a red-headed step child but let's face it...he's no JFK!

So well into the 8 yr old Bacardi, cause it helps ease the pain, let's jump into the 6 reasons why the East Front doesn't suck.

1. The Eyes. Ok it is brown...no doubt about it..brown as my ass and as about as pretty BUT it is a lot better than the CMBO neon nightmare which still has left images on my retina and soul to this day. My T-34s still look like they have rolled off the shop floor after being polished by fine "uni-brow", husky, Russian milk maids but let's face it..we aren't here for the graphics or the milk maids. If we were, my tanks crews would look like Laura and PIPPU would be beaking off so much.

2. The Ears. I know those Russian bastards are talking to me. They are saying things like "Death to capitalist dogs" and "Power to the worker" but I can't prove it. They are the Red Horde and I know they are trying to "re-educate" me dammit but I need to buy something gray. As to the Germans..well I still think they're are saying "Ich Vave Mien Unter Hosen Im Dine Gesichkt" half the time but perhaps that is just me.

3. The Nose. Ok the sight of a KV-2 produces the same bowel loosening stench it used too. That ain't the dog gents, it is the whole new smell of burning 1s and 0s!! Hemingway tried to describe death once in "For Whom the Bell Tolls"...people repeat after me "Hemingway was a freakin wimp!!!" You want the smell of death take a wiff of my hard drive some time.

4. The Tongue. OK all of you who haven't licked your manual please step forward..LIARS!! If I could describe CMBB as a taste, it would be the following:

blood

borst(sp? Screw you commie..mutter, mutter)

vodka

beer

sausage

canned tin

French chicks with mouths like ashtrays

German chicks who shower about as much as your average Stug III

Desiel

Cordite

The steppes (a nice word for "grass")

Hitler's instep

Burning Rubber

AND

The Time of Your Life.

5. Touch of Silk. Ok, although I am all for slinky underwear and how it clings to my naked body..particularly in moon light as my pale flesh gleams in the moonlight. My heaving breasts rising up and down (boy what a reach for that descriptor) like the pulsating shocks of a T-34 charging across the frozen steppe (grass!!). CMBB feels like a cross between CMBO and Hell. All the fun and pain of the first incarnation but now in BROWN!!

6. "Helter Skelter!!". So what is this new game doing to me brain cells? Good question from the fat kid in the back! Well gents it means we can expect another two yrs of no sex and this desperate rant from a poor goon caught in the headlights of adulthood. I am lost in a photon prison, like a caged bird who longs to be free but only on the surface because freedom is a horrible master...but let's move that one to the General Forum.

Now to all those who are wondering "what happened to my sprinting infantry" well let's just say it is you who suck and CMBO was too nice to say it out loud...

[Madmatt]

Umm...I honestly don't know what to say about all that but I do hear a rusty and well used padlock coming...