More Jokes!!! READ!!! Reader discretion is advised. Course words!!!

[Guest Rommel22]

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm ok, I'm sure the

lamb appreciates that one)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(OK, like THAT makes sense... )

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their

reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece

of wood at all times. (...a brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (wonder how they enforce that one?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (now let's just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes

close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (the husband's lover, on the other hand,

may be killed in any manner desired.)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder at the

thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (...we have to presume this was a big enough problem that

they had to pass this law...)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: pro-phylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where

alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (is this a great country or what?)

Why It's Great To Be A Guy... > Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. > Your orgasms are real. Always. > Your last name stays put. > The garage is all

yours. > Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. > Wedding plans take care of themselves. > You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. >

Chocolate is just another snack. > You can be president. > You can wear a white shirt to a water park. > Foreplay is optional. > You never feel compelled to stop a

friend from getting laid. > Car mechanics tell you the truth. > You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. > The world is your urinal. > Hot wax

never comes near your pubic area. > You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. > Same work... more pay. > Wrinkles add

character. > You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. > Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. > If you retain water, it's in a

canteen. > People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. > Princess Di's death was just another obituary. > The occasional well-rendered belch is

practically expected. > New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. > Porn movies are designed with you in mind. > Not liking a person does not preclude

having great sex with them. > Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" > One mood, all the time.

Why do Australian men orgasm so fast? So they can race down the pub and tell all their mates.

What is the difference between the pub and a clitoris? Every Australian man can find the pub, even blindfolded.

What do you call an Australian woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.

Blonde Jokes...

-Why are blondes not able to swim? Because if it starts to grow wet, they spread their legs.

-Why do you need a triangular coffin to bury blondes? Because if it grows dark they spread their legs.

-Why have all blondes a shaved pussy? Did you ever see a highway on which grass is growing?

-What is the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? In case of the Titanic you know how much men were on her.

-How do you call a blonde girl who has two brain cells? Pregnant

-What does a blondy early in the morning? She gets up, dresses and walks home.

-A blonde and a brunette are jumping down a skyscraper. Who impacts first? The brunette; the blonde had to ask for the way.

Q: How do you drive a Blonde insane? A: Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order!

Why was the blonde fired from her Quality Control job at the M&M factory? She threw out all the Ws.

What's the difference between a washing machine and a blond? The washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you drop a load into it.

what is the difference between a blond and a moskito? when you slap the moskito it stops sucking...

"Cogito ergo sum", said a blonde, and disappeared.

Other Jokes...

What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey y'all... Watch this!"

Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer takes off and goes wild,it runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two cowboys go over

to the fence and one says to the other, "this is too good to pass up." He gets off his horse, unzips his pants, and screws the hell out of the heifer for at least 10

minutes. When he finally finishes he looks up at his partner and asks him if he wants some of it. His partner replies, "hell yes, that looks pretty good". He climbs down

off his horse, drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

One day I was walking down the corridor at work, when a female coworker rolled her eyeballs at me. So I picked them up and rolled them back...

Three nuns died and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter was there to ask each nun a question, which she had to answer before she could enter Heaven. St. Peter

asked the first nun, "What was the first place God created on Earth?" The first nun said, "The Garden of Eden." Trumpets sounded from high in the sky, and the

Pearly Gates swung open, and into Heaven went the first nun. St. Peter asked the second nun, "Who were the first people God created?" The second nun answered,

"Adam and Eve." Trumpets sounded, the Pearly Gates opened, and into Heaven went the second nun. Finally, St. Peter asked the third nun, "What were the first

words Eve said when she saw Adam?" The third nun replied, "That's a hard one!" Trumpets sounded, the Pearly Gates opened, and into Heaven went the third nun...

Why do women love Bayern Munich soccer players? Because they can stay on top for 90 minutes and still come second.

The profound meaning of the word ****

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the American-English Language today is the word "****". It is the one magical word which, just by its

sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "****" falls into many grammatical categories.

The word **** can be used as a verb: Transitive "John ****ed Mary" Intransitive "Mary was ****ed by John " Action verb "John ****s Mary " Passive verb "Mary

really doesn't give a ****" Adverb "Mary is ****ing interested in John" Noun "Mary is a terrific ****" Adjective "Mary is ****ing beautiful" Interjection "****! I'm late

for my date with John" Conjunction "Mary is easy, **** she's also stupid"

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "****". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to

describe many situations:

1. Greetings "How the **** are ya?" 2. Fraud "I got ****ed by the car dealer." 3. Resignation "Oh, **** it!" 4. Trouble "I guess I'm ****ed now." 5. Aggression

"**** YOU!" 6. Disgust "**** me." 7. Confusion "What the ****.......?" 8. Difficulty "I don't understand this ****ing business!" 9. Despair "****ed again..." 10.

Pleasure "I ****ing couldn't be happier." 11. Displeasure "What the **** is going on here?" 12. Lost "Where the **** are we." 13. Disbelief

"Un****ingunbelievable!!!!" 14. Retaliation "Up your ****ing ass!" 15. Denial "I didn't ****ing do it." 16. Perplexity "I know the **** all about it." 17. Apathy "Who

really gives a ****, anyhow?" 18. Suspicion "Who the **** are you?" 19. Panic "Let's get the **** out of here." 20. Directions "**** off." 21. Questioning "How the

**** did you do that?" 22. Doubtfull "****, did I do that?"

The word **** can be Discriptive Anatomical "He's a ****ing asshole." Telling time "It's five ****ing thirty." Business "How did I wind up with this ****ing job?"

Maternal "Mother****er." Political "**** Hillary!"

The word **** has been used by many notable people:

"What the **** was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these ****ing Indians come from?" General Custer

"Where the **** is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real ****ing gun." John Lennon

"Who's gonna ****ing find out?" Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to ****ing roll." Anne Boleyn

"What ****ing map?" Mark Thatcher

"Any ****ing idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein

"It does so ****ing look like her!" Picasso

"How the **** did you work that out?" Pythagoras

"You want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?" Michaelangelo

"**** a duck." Walt Disney

"Why?- Because its ****ing there!" Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose it's gonna ****ing rain?" Joan of Arc

"Scattered ****ing showers my ass." Noah

"Let the ****ing woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"

"I need this parade like a ****ing hole in my head." J. F. Kennedy

Comment: I think I hurt myself laughing. ****, I ****ing well hope you ****ing did. I ****ing did. The ****ing floor ****ed my ****ing back ****in again, when I

****ing fell the **** out of the ****ing chair. ****!

Word is that the Yugo Army is beginning a 11-day withdrawal program from Kosovo. The idea is, every day they'll massacre fewer and fewer Kosovar Albanians,

until by the 11th day, they'll have kicked the habit altogether...

My father told me this joke. He said it's true, he saw it happen. Q: Why were there so many black casualties in the Viet Nam War? A: When the sargent yelled to get

down, they got up and started dancing!

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind

their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an

explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

An Italian, a Fenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed. The Italian says - "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend I

go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy". The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished

making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in

pure ecstasy". The Aussie says - "That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin my Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe myself clean on the

curtains. She hits the ****ing roof!"

A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued

northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions. "Hey buddy, can

you tell us where we are?" The pedestrian smiled, said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and went on his way. The driver turned to his wife and said "Well, we still don't

know where we are. He doesn't even speak English."

[Bobbaro]

This is absolutely injurous to the ribs, lungs, eyes, ears, nose and throat and all body parts that come in contact with the floor!

[JeffRaider]

"Scattered ****ing showers my ass." Noah

LOL

[Guest Rommel22]

I knew you guy would love it.

I'll have more in 2 or 3 days.

[Rick614]

Rommel22

Well, I guess I will ask if no one else wants to but what does all of this have to do with Combat Mission? I will admit that the topics often stray. As far as language goes it does get a little "coarse" sometimes. I am an ex-sailor and drive a truck so I don't consider myself to be a prude but maybe all of this would be appropriate in a different forum. And that is just my personal opinion and you are certainly entitled to yours.

[Pfalz XII]

Geez, just what racial, ethnic, or gender group did you manage NOT to insult with that post?

[GriffinCheng+]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (the husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Nope, murder is outlawed Hong Kong, no matter what. Okay, these are what betrayed wives do in Hong Kong (no urban legend -- they are all real-life from the news)

1. Throws both of her kids, all less than 10 yrs old, down 10th floor and followed by own herself afterwards.

2. Hack each other to death using kitchen knives.

3. Cuts her husband's genital oragan when he is sound asleep. The investigators finds the bloody siccors but they are told that the other piece of evidence has been flushed down the toilet.

Married CM player beware! Think twice when your wives get mad on your addiction of CM!

Did I sound too serious?

Griffin after lunch.

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"+" is just the beginning. Expect to see "GriffinCheng76", "GriffinCheng(105)" or "GriffinChengA3E8" more should Forum problems occur again

[This message has been edited by GriffinCheng+ (edited 06-09-2000).]

[This message has been edited by GriffinCheng+ (edited 06-09-2000).]

[Guest Big Time Software]

Rommel, this is not "joke central". If it doesn't relate directly to CM, or WWII to some extent, do not post it. And if it is a bunch of crap like this, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT POST IT EVER! Reread the Agreement you read when signing up to post on this BBS. This one post breaks just about every rule there is.

Next time think a little harder about what you are about to post, otherwise it might be the last post you make.

Steve