New Weapon System for CM - Long

[MrPeng]

Development History of the MSA-PD: The Mad Smiley Anti-Personnel Device.

Inception: After ingesting nearly 3/4 of a million smilies over the last several months, I have gone right off smilies. Even the cat has had enough smiley innards. However, they are ferocious breeders and when I stopped eating them, I soon found myself knee deep in them, wondering what to do.

Then a Mad Smiley ( ) made quite a nasty comment to me about one of my children and her possible parentage being not mine, but rather of the dairy product delivering variety. "Ouch!" I thought to myself...and then the light went off over my head. Put the little bastards to work (not my children, the smilies) as weapons. There are plenty of instances of taunting in warfare... Aurthur's defeat at the castle at the hands of a few French, Kasserine Pass, Hue, and lastly Kosovo are all fine examples of the might and fury of well executed tauntings.

The Mark I MSA-PD lacked an appropriate delivery system and enough of a wallop to do much damage. Drop it on the welcome mat, ring the doorbell, run away and wait for the thing to taunt the person who answered usually just left the victim peeved rather than mortally wounded or dead.

More development was needed.

The Mark II MSA-PD consisted of Mad Smilies specifically bread for meanness. Ill treatment and starvation lead to extremely mean mad smilies which would often bite the victim very painfully, sometimes even drawing blood. Packed into a 60 mm mortar shell and launched toward thine enemy, Swarms of angry smilies would taunt and bite the opposing forces, forcing them to flee. This casued several other issues, not the least of which

was that the smilies remained where the enemy had fled, causing commotion among the victorious occupying force. Counter attacks were common when the recently defeated foe noticed our forces combating the smilies themselves.

Shorter lived smilies were needed. Breeding continued. Smilies were developed that had teeth that broke off after a single bite, making them safer to deploy. These were the Mark III smilies, still delivered in the 60 mm shell, somewhat effective, but still lacking the knockout punch. Something smaller so more bites per shell could be delivered was needed.

The Mark IV MSA-PD packed a whopping 1011 smilies per 60mm shell. The smaller bite ratio meant less actual blood drawn per bite so unless a vicitm was swarmed quickly and thoroughly, he could remain combat effective, though somewhat demoralized and bloody.

The Mark V MSA-PD brought genetic engineering to bear. The DNA of the krait, a small deadly snake, was inserted into the mad smiley DNA creating a superdeadly venomous critter. (Note at this point that the taunting effect of the MSA-PD MV was no longer factored in to its killing power). Recently deployed in Plomville, the MV MSA-PD wiped out an entire Nazi platoon by airbursting only 6 shells in some tall pines. No US casualties from "friendly mad smiley fire" were noted.

So, you see. I don't really hate all smilies after all.

Peng

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Peng sez "die a lot now."

[von Lucke]

Mr. Peng:

I believe your development of Smilies as offensive weapons is in direct violation of the UN Charter covering Crimes of War and Atrocities (subsection B / paragraph 13), and an infringement on Monsanto's copyright on geneticaly engineered Russell viper venom as applied to the alteration of facial musculature and dentition radius.

Expect a lawyer wearing a blue helmet to pull up outside your residence in a white APC any second now...

[MrPeng]

Mere technicalities on all counts, MrLucky. The UN doesn't frighten me and Monsanto can go pound sand. The DNA splicing of venom gland chromosomes is MINE! Any attornies or UN reps show up here and they end up on my barbeque...

Peng

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Peng sez "die a lot now."

[Bullethead]

The use of the Mark V MSA-PD was at first a state secret of Pengland, which made it the only Mad Smiley superpower. But eventually a liberal government came to power and to pay off its illegal campaign debts from overseas, it gave away the secret of the Mark V MSA-PD.

This led to an era of intense Mad Smiley proliferation among Third World countries and the use of the weapons system in many small border wars and revolutions. Naturally, the despots behind such conflicts had no concern for collateral damage even years later, so the genetic purity of the Mark V MSA-PD system gradually fell off. In fact, various mutant strains were found to be more tactically devastating, which led to Darwinian selection of the more persistant strains as area denial weapons. Naturally, these became one of the tools of choice for ethnic cleansing campaigns the world over.

This situation created unimaginable horrors. Various journalists and royalty on rehab periodically grabbed headlines with heart-rending stories of Third World peasant children maimed for life by persistant Mad Smileys left over from years of internicene strife. But nobody really cared until a rogue mutant Mad Smiley strain was developed that reproduced in the wild after delivery. These Mad Smileys soon began to spread to industrialized nations, resulting in a global pandemic.

At this point, the UN decided to take action similar to that which had eradicated smallpox. It commissioned scientists to develop a countermeasure and then deploy it worldwide. This effort was funded primarily by Pengland, in which another liberal administration had engendered a national feeling of guilt over the first creation of Mad Smiley weapons.

The UN research eventually resulted in the Licking Smiley Vaccine (LSV, carried by ). Programs were established to vaccinate ever person on earth with a Licking Smiley, the action of which healed the oozing wounds left by the Mad Smileys. In addition, billions of Licking Smileys were released into the atmosphere worldwide to attack Mad Smileys in the wild. When a Licking Smiley met a Mad Smiley, they fused into a harmless Cool Smiley ( ).

Harmless, that is, except for the alleged long-term effects. Controversial studies indicated that the build-up of billions of Cool Smileys was gradually reducing the temperature of the earth. The doomsday prophecies of Global Cooling and another Ice Age became the liberal "Chicken Little" scenario du jour. Crackpot scientists encourage people to create greenhouse gases to counteract the Cool Smileys. Over time, the prefered method became flatulation. Beer sales skyrocketed, farting became socially acceptable, and all was well with the world.

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-Bullethead

jtweller@delphi.com

WW2 AFV Photos: people.delphi.com/jtweller/tanks/tanks.htm

[This message has been edited by Bullethead (edited 05-20-2000).]

[MrPeng]

Brilliant Bullet. Brilliant. I laughed out loud. Great followup.

Peng

(last descendant of the original Ali Ben Khan Peng the Naughty, founder of Pengland)

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Peng sez "die a lot now."

[Guest Kettle Black]

Aha!

What your little essay DOESN'T mention is that the MSA-PD project is entirely a POD sponsored project designed to take over the world. Or, if not the world, a small town in Montana preferably.

However, it won't work. None of the POD plans ever do. Plomville was NOT a succesful deployment of the Mark V, at least not for the Pod-people (that's people of vegetable origin for all you PC types). Unbeknownst to the US Pod Dept the Third Pod Reich Abteilung had developed the Untermark Antinahverteidungskablaffe, a mine-like contraption that were buried in the area close to Plomville.

The end result of the pod-test was that all Nazi pods and US pods were killed in very messy ways by the Pod-constructed weapons. Upon discovering this, the remaining soldiers (all humans) immediately called for a cease-fire and had a few beers together in the local cantina.

K-B

"Pod-people are just like other people. They just need lots of water, some sunshine and a mountain of pills to function."

[Moriarty]

So, then, if I read correctly Bullethead's treatise on the amalgamation of the Mad Smiley with the Licking Smiley equalling the Cool Smiley ... then does it logically follow that MadMatt, the erstwhile arbiter of board coolness and one of the first to put Mr. Cool into action on the board, is himself a product of Licking Smilies and Mad Smilies from the wild?

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I'm drinkin' wine, I'm eatin' cheese and catching some rays, you know. — Oddball

[This message has been edited by Moriarty (edited 05-21-2000).]

[Bullethead]

Moriarty said:

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>does it logically follow that MadMatt, the erstwhile arbiter of board coolness and one of the first to put Mr. Cool into action on the board, is himself a product of Licking Smilies and Mad Smilies from the wild?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Madmatt's story is particularly tragic. While serving as a mercenary in one of Elvistonia's incessant wars with Pengland, Madmatt happened to be at ground zero of a massive MSA-PD strike. This particular batch of Mad Smileys was of one of the early persistant, taunting types, and they developed into systemic infection.

Being no longer fit for military service, Madmatt returned home but found life difficult due to his frequent bouts of PTMSD (Post-Traumatic Mad Smiley Disorder), which caused reflexive taunting that cost him his job and family. Thereafter he lived under a bridge, coming out only to participate in Anti-Mad Smiley demonstrations.

Eventually, the severity of his disorder attacted attention. He became a posterboy for the Anti-Mad Smiley movement and his impassioned taunting before the UN General Assembly was instrumental in getting the votes needed for the global Licking Smiley program.

Having used Madmatt for their purposes, the UN promptly discarded him, and he returned to his bridge. However, with the Licking Smiley program in full swing, Madmatt at least now has access to free treatment at VA hospitals. Unfortunately, due to the severe nature of his Mad Smiley infection, the Licking Smiley treatment has not been successful. All it does is temporarily set the Mad Smileys back.

So periodically Madmatt goes down to the VA to get shot up with Licking Smileys. Then, for several days thereafter, he coughs up Cool Smileys.

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-Bullethead

jtweller@delphi.com

WW2 AFV Photos: people.delphi.com/jtweller/tanks/tanks.htm

[Guest Michael emrys]

One last bit of information to round out the account. One of the side effects of the extreme form of mad smiley infection that Madmatt suffers from is an occasional severe urinary dysfunction. That's right, it's why from time to time Madmatt gets pissed off.

Michael

[This message has been edited by Michael emrys (edited 05-21-2000).]

[Guest PeterNZ]

The untold stories of Protocols Additional to the Geneva Conventions, in particular III, "Use of Smilies in Warfare" makes for interesting reading.

After the major smilie epidemics had been defeated it was decided that the use of Smilies had to be seriously controlled. Unfortunately, the major powers in the UN had no such interest in the control or monitoring of smilies as weapons of war. The US maintained it's "first use" policy, and China and Rusia their respective "only in retaliation" policies. However, in a bold move led by Sweden and other smaller states such as New Zealand, Canada, Ireland and so on, a conference on the use of smilies was conducted. The first conference "Smilie Control and Monitoring Conference I", (hereby refered to as SCMC 1), was a huge success, with the major powers totally outflanked by the smaller states of the world. Unanimously, the smaller states declared that they would not maintain any inventories of vicious attack smilies, (although a few lodged reservations on a total ban of harnessing the power of peaceful non-combative smilies). In a major move, both Brazil and Argentina declared that they would no longer develop their own Type IV smilies and infact would their smilie storage facilities up for mutual inspection and eventuall destruction of all but the new Strain 2 Placid Smilies, (from now on refered to as S2PS).

The major powers, sensing they were not longer in charge of the ball game, decided to join back in again and the US offered to host and pay for SCMC 2. It was planned that SCMC 2 would lay down the body of the new Geneva Conventions as well add some specific resolutions to more than a dozen UN documents, treaties and agreements. The Russians, seeing no point in frustrating the US and future loans made a solid appearance, and China's hand was forced after its high moral stance against the US's First Use of Smilies policy.

Although debate was heavy and fast, eventually the International Smilie Agency, (hereby refered to as the ISA), was formed. the ISA was tasked to monitor the development of Smilies as weapons across the world, to develop a monitoring and reporting program and to assit with smilie desctuction.

On top of this, the ISA would play a leading role in further SCMC conferences. Of crucial import was the need to monitor the stockpiling of S2PS smilies and ensuring they were not allowed or made to crossbread with the deadly Mark IV's.

Although the ISA has had a patchy history to date, it has in general, completed its tasks with skill. SCMC 3 and 4 have been succesful and the monitored destruction of Argentina's and Brazil's Type IV attack smilies went without a hitch.

The development of the regulatory measures in the UN makes fascinating reading, I encourage everyone to follow this one up!

PeterNZ

(bugger, one escaped)

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.C O M B A T. .V I S I O N.

* Film From The Front *

http://combatvision.panzershark.com/

[Guest MrHappy]

I'm glad you are all having such a good time at the expense of my kith and kin It appears as if the only one on this forum with any sense of Decency is von Lucke. I and my fellow smilies are sickened, appalled and (if we had any) UP IN ARMS over the use of our cousins, the mad smilies, in this barbaric way by Peng and his minions.

Now there is only a small clan of biologically pure mad smilies. the name Mad smiley is a misnomer since prior to being modified and artificially selected for meanness they were typically merely ill tempered, and not the vicious venemous creatures they have become. A more apt name for the prealtered variety is "Cranky Smiley" (the very young could also be described as "fussy").

My bretheren and I are prepared to march on the UN this July 11th, to protest the treatment of our cousins, and to demand reparations for the trillions of mutilated, disappeared and killed smilies.

We need your donations too. Please fill plain brown bags with unmarked $10s and $20s (US) and leave them at the Hickory Run service Plaza on the NE Extension of the PA Turnpike, in the Men's, third stall along. no loitering.

We appreciate your Help

MrHappy and Family

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MrHappy sez, "C'MON GET HAPPY!"

[This message has been edited by MrHappy (edited 05-21-2000).]

[SS_PanzerLeader]

After the latest barrage from the Pengian Armored Smilie BAttalion it has become increasingly clear that the infamous Peng has gone quite insane. With this is in mind I think there should be a new graphical ammendement to the forum to depict Pengs manaical state and control his wanton similie desecration. Therefore I suggest the following smilies images be added to represent his perverse experimentations into smilie genetics:

1. The Manaical Smilie

2. The schizophrenic smilie

3. The Thorosine smilie

#1 would serve to acccentuate his psychotic postings and endeavours

#2 would remind us of the MrPENG/MrHAPPY Syndrome for which he is currently being treated

#3 would represent any statement by peng, that is out of character and somewhat normal

Sally Struthers will be accepting large donations for the feed the smilie foundation in an attempt to aid the refugees of "normal" smilies that escaped the Pengian smilie massacre

Hopefully she will have some $ left after buying dinner