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An imponderable conspiracy


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Perhaps JK can help out with this.

Why, whether I am in Sydney, Auckland, Kuala Lumpur or wherever, does hotel conference room coffee always taste the same?

It always has that slightly 'wrong' taste to it. Just a bit too thin and just not like coffee you find in any other venue.

For lack of a better scpaegoat, I would like to blame the Danes.

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Finally someone exhibits the intestinal fortitude to ask the question on everyone's lips.

Forget trivia like "Will I lose my job?" or "Is global warming real?" or "Is there a God?" or even "What idiot picked Keanu Reeves to star in the remake of 'The Day the Earth Stood Still'?" Now we're addressing the burning question of the age.

Luckily I hate coffee so it doesn't matter. Keep up the good work you Danes!

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It's the liberal "tree huggers" fault. The coffee itself is ok, it's the cups that all the hotel chains are using now. They're "environmentally friendly" so that the planet Earth, which withstands hurricanes, tornadoes, fires, earthquakes, tidal waves and more won't be destroyed by us throwing paper cups out the window (yes, stolen from a George Carlin bit).

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Well my boy, I came across a possible answer last night.

The Americans.

A good friend of mine, Brit born and raised, resident here a good many years, had the opportunity to travel to the US earlier this year to participate in a very pleasant couple of months or so on the road, travelling all over that fine, beautiful country full of friendly folk. And wherever he went the coffee was not merely crap, it was dishwater. Thin, tasteless, bland, nigh-on undrinkable brown water. I know he likes a good espresso from a real coffee machine, and that was the major agony of his holiday. No good coffee. Nowhere. Not anywhere. Not for thousands of miles.

And so, taking us back to your topic at hand... international coffee standards are slowly drifting towards an unfortunate average of all the coffee drinkers out there in international traveller-land. And with a population of 300 or so million folk, and a representative proportion of them out there in the airports and hotels and conference rooms of this world saying "eeeuuuwww, I actually tasted something then", our beloved American friends are directly responsible for the decline of coffee quality world wide.

Compared with minor sideshows such as credit crises and financial collapses, our American friends really do have something to apologise for this time. I can live with greed, incompetent financial management and economic ideology gone wild, but I simply cannot abide an international conspiracy to reduce coffee to brown water.

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Perhaps you're right. They were also the nation that gave us Starbucks and clamoured around like it was proper coffee and that drenching it in pistachio sauce was somehow valid.

Anyway, I have heard similar criticisms from fellow Australians who have travelled in the good old USA. They also got coffee withdrawal.

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Finally someone exhibits the intestinal fortitude to ask the question on everyone's lips.

Forget trivia like "Will I lose my job?" or "Is global warming real?" or "Is there a God?" or even "What idiot picked Keanu Reeves to star in the remake of 'The Day the Earth Stood Still'?" Now we're addressing the burning question of the age.

Luckily I hate coffee so it doesn't matter. Keep up the good work you Danes!

You coffee illuminati don't fool me for a minute. This is just an exercise in misdirection, to try to cover up the REAL conspiracy, which is what has prevented travellers in America getting a decent cup of tea ever since 1773. The conspirators even tried to pass the blame on to Native Americans, dammit.

All the best,

John.

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Perhaps JK can help out with this.

Why, whether I am in Sydney, Auckland, Kuala Lumpur or wherever, does hotel conference room coffee always taste the same?

It always has that slightly 'wrong' taste to it. Just a bit too thin and just not like coffee you find in any other venue.

For lack of a better scpaegoat, I would like to blame the Danes.

Put bourbon in it, and it won't bother you so much.

Repeat as necessary.

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Don't blame the Danes, blame the Chinese. In their quest to speedily kill everyone - yes, EVERYONE (even themselves) - the Chinese sell only the "best" melamine-coated, lead-lined, coffee brewers/canisters that $10 can buy. Hotels and the like can't pass up such a great deal and it's the unsuspecting, coffee-drinking masses who pay the price.

*sips a Timmy's large double-double*

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I work within 300m of at least six boutique coffee roasteries (and three boutique bakeries). Life is good.

The astonishing thing, though, is that I also work within 500m of three Starbucks. With an overwhelming abundance of great coffee, some folks still think that S-B's bland, impersonal coffee and cafes somehow have something to offer.

And every time I go to a conference, presentation, etc ... thin, weak, tasteless pap masquerading as coffee. This conspiracy is as evil as it is global in it's nature. Fecking Danes.

I usually drink the tea now, in hotels and conferences. There's usually an interestesting selection of different flavours, and I can make it as strong as I like. Stop the madness, so "NO!" to bad coffee.

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The Japanese have the tea ceremony, the proper reverence to the beverage being displayed with the ancient rites of preparation (and a nubile, personable tea lady doesn't hurt any). Perhaps someone from this forum could choreograph and stage the world premiere of the Coffee Ceremony and raise the stakes a little, ejucate the peepul sort of fing.

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This is just an exercise in misdirection, to try to cover up the REAL conspiracy, which is what has prevented travellers in America getting a decent cup of tea ever since 1773.

I reserve the right to take exception to that. So far, every cup of tea I've had that was made by an Englishman has been a dreadful, undrinkable brew that I would feel reluctant even to toss on the potted palm in the corner. (After all, what has it ever done to me?) Maybe when it came to brewing tea, these particular individuals were simply thick-headed idjits who could barely make out which end one should grasp the teaspoon by, so I don't want to generalize to all British tea drinkers...yet. But believe me, your reputation is seriously in doubt at this point.

Michael

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Perhaps someone from this forum could choreograph and stage the world premiere of the Coffee Ceremony and raise the stakes a little, ejucate the peepul sort of fing.

Having attended more than a few Ethiopian coffee cermonies I can tell you it's a good brew! Particularly when the beans are prepared from scratch (ie. green) right there in front of you.

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I reserve the right to take exception to that. So far, every cup of tea I've had that was made by an Englishman has been a dreadful, undrinkable brew that I would feel reluctant even to toss on the potted palm in the corner. (After all, what has it ever done to me?) Maybe when it came to brewing tea, these particular individuals were simply thick-headed idjits who could barely make out which end one should grasp the teaspoon by, so I don't want to generalize to all British tea drinkers...yet. But believe me, your reputation is seriously in doubt at this point.

What tea was the man using?

Were you in a hard water area?

Was the teapot a brown betty, or something else?

Did he put milk in it?

Had he ever been in the Army?

Was he from Yorkshire?

Any of these factors may have been decisive.

All the best,

John.

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Another vital factor.

If all the previous questions check out OK, then there is only one possible answer; the man was a Communist.

Communists can never make a proper cup of tea.

They believe that proper tea is theft.

All the best,

John.

No way a Commie can make tea. As General Ripper (Dr Strangelove for the reference impaired :))noted 'On no account will a commie drink water. Vodka. That's what they drink." or something to that effect. No doubt the reason for the poor tasting coffee or tea has to do with the commie conspiracy of introducing flouridation to everything we eat and drink. That all started sometime in 1948 :)

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Affentitten sez

Having attended more than a few Ethiopian coffee cermonies I can tell you it's a good brew! Particularly when the beans are prepared from scratch (ie. green) right there in front of you.

Thanks Aff - I maintain that Australia makes a pretty good coffee. so do the Brits. The best tea I've had o'seas was in Bordeaux. The Ethiopian Coffee Set - now I know what christmas present to buy with the money from Santa Rudd.

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