The Peng challenge, a thread that will live in infamy

[Goanna]

Nice work with the osteotome chrisl, now see if you can't apply it to the lads beginning to frequent the Tungsten Core ****head thread.

OK, for any of you that missed it(look I know you're not ignoring me over here), I have a new scenario done and ready for feedback. No, it's not one of those used to beat up SSNs. It's a good one. Maybe even a great one. Well, OK, maybe not the kind of product that comes out of He who I do not beleive in, but at least totally adequate.

Won't a couple of you speed freaks give it a try? Mace is.

[von shrad]

What in the hell has happened to the pool in my absence? You let that bumbling fool Stuka create a thread? Now of course he will be strutting around, forever claiming that his thread was best, longest, more in depth and all that other self-loving crap we come to expect.

AND I HAVE BEEN DEMOTED TO PISS BOY!!!

It's not a bad job once you get used to the over-spray ya know.

BTW.....2 of your great kniggits are falling before me now. Such a shame to put them to rest in this fashion. I hear there is going to be a new job opening for the fallen. Man your bucket Mark Whore and Sean-a-mook-woot

The piss boy cometh

von shrad

[Mark IV]

Mr. schrad (a piss-boy hardly rates a "von"): You are indeed coming. You are, in fact, charging the bleeding remnants of the most useless troops in CM (Brit glider squads) across an open, paved square, where the only cover is the VL flagpole. You are surrounded, and on at least one side by a large, angry German tank.

A pity Tennyson is dead; he would have found this inspirational.

[von shrad]

Angry Tank, as it should be. That useless piece of rolling scrap parts should just scurry away again before offering any hope to the remnants of the once proud forces I have decimated. A support tank my arse. I have seen better support from a training bra on my kid sister. And the only reason that scared rabbit who has been hiding in the bushes is still alive is because he had somehow seen my hiding squad in rubble, around the corner. Highly suspect BTS.

And what of your great push. The last time I saw people that age in uniform was when the old man at Wal-Mart kindly gave me a shopping cart to bulk purchase my Ripple. I felt so bad about mowing them down. Who can shoot someone's Gramps without a PENG of guilt. No pun intended. Well maybe a little.

As to the pitiful remnants of a Pioneer platoon that is leaving a gingerbread crumb trail of corpses to find it's way back to Mummy, all will be over soon. They have been scurrying along the map under my eye with all the grace of a elephant sneaking through the back yard. A death awaits them soon enough.

I am the Piss Boy, goo-goo-a-choob

BTW... I hope to expand my endeavors to diaper changer...and believe me, this thread could use one.

Von shrad

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Poor Joe Shaw, nabs the sole VL, pounds my troops, causes some to route, and what does he get? A draw!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> {sigh} ... damnit I TRIED, sure I took the VL but it was a View One game and I couldn't SEE the flag, before I knew it I had the damn thing and it was the only VL! Then I split my forces and holed half of them up in a useless hotel or something so that he could pound them with his HMG, RR and 81mm mortar. Luckily I only had a couple of 'schreks and a single HMG but even so the idiot puts his RR in plain sight and my troops killed it before I could stop them.

Then Mace decides to try an attrition strategy and got his lads low on ammo and morale before he tried the final (last turn/gamey) assault. Of course his guys barely got across the street from the VL before they went to ground. Several squads ran like rabbits.

At the beginning of the last turn the flag was German and at the end of the last turn the flag was German, I mean I was resigned to another damned win to futher sully my record. I have to be careful, you know, people might start thinking that I think that winning is important and we can't have THAT! And then the worst possible outcome, a bloody DRAW! BTS FIX OR DO SOMEFINK!

I need some competent (SSNs need not apply) designer to shoot me a scenario so that I can lose to Mace as GAWD intended! Perhaps a nice small to medium, attack/defend sort of thing? All submissions will be reviewed by ... well ... ME I guess, I might let Mace look at it too.

And lets not be doing a Peng where the first scenario has no troops and a billard table map and the second version has troops stranded and unable to move or participate.

Joe

[ 07-15-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

[OGSF]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I need some competent (SSNs need not apply) designer to shoot me a scenario so that I can lose to Mace as GAWD intended! Perhaps a nice small to medium, attack/defend sort of thing? All submissions will be reviewed by ... well ... ME I guess, I might let Mace look at it too.

Joe

[ 07-15-2001: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

At's on at's way tae ye, Jimmy.

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by von shrad:

What in the hell has happened to the pool in my absence? You let that bumbling fool Stuka create a thread? Now of course he will be strutting around, forever claiming that his thread was best, longest, more in depth and all that other self-loving crap we come to expect.

AND I HAVE BEEN DEMOTED TO PISS BOY!!!

It's not a bad job once you get used to the over-spray ya know.

BTW.....2 of your great kniggits are falling before me now. Such a shame to put them to rest in this fashion. I hear there is going to be a new job opening for the fallen. Man your bucket Mark Whore and Sean-a-mook-woot

The piss boy cometh

von shrad<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Er, here, Shrad's only a piss-boy? That hardly seems right. I mean, given that he's playing luminaries like myself and Mark IV, we'll have to rectify that.

As my former Squire, MrSpkr, is now a Knight in his own right (and gotten quite above himself, I might add. Never drops the thankful note to his sponsor; speaks of me in the most disparaging terms; encounter him on the boulevard with his Tournament friends and the rather trollopy looking women that have gathered around him since his elevation to Knight, and he barely deigns to nod), and I have but the one Squire just now, I would be more than happy to take on Von Shrad as a Squire, don't you know.

It seems more fitting than letting him labour on under the, er, designation of 'piss-boy' which is hardly appropriate for him.

Of course, there are certain issues that need resolution regarding myself. Shaw, Lawyer, and several others have even gotten Peng sober enough to feel the need to spew and gibber regarding my status on the Thread.

But I know I shall be vindicated. Now, on to other matters. More, as they say, anon.

[ 07-15-2001: Message edited by: Seanachai ]

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>He whose name shall not be bolded finally worked up enough nerve to return I see, though the following left MUCH to be desired: Of course, there are certain issues that need resolution regarding myself.

Shaw, Lawyer, and several others have even gotten Peng sober enough to feel the need to spew and gibber regarding my status on the Thread.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Damned straight there are ISSUES me lad. I'll let the evil one, (actually I suppose that would be the Senior evil one since Mensch appears to be a protege of sorts) reiterate the terms proposed by the Father Confessor and Partial Scenario Creator ... Peng. I'll simply add that I'm all in favor of something simple and traditional, perhaps along the lines of the Spanish Inquisition, with just the right touch of ceremony and screaming.

As to my request for a scenario, I'd like to thank Panzer Leader and OGSF for their submissions but they seem to have missed the point. ANYONE can lose a rigged scenario, that takes no skill at all. Losing a well balanced and designed scenario, on the other hand, takes TALENT, SKILL and a certain level of ... PANACHE! So please, no more of these Jabo! wannabes (as if ANYTHING can match THAT), send me something that I can work with ... and lose.

Joe

[MrSpkr]

Joe Shaw: I need a scenario I can lose fairly!

MrSpkr: Check your mailbox, Joe. A neat little SL conversion is on its way.

Seanachai: My former squire doesn't appreciate me. {sniff, sniff)

MrSpkr: Seanachai, you have wounded me. I have tried to play the part of the loyal squire. After all, I did send you that delicious red apple for father's day (which Phillies Phan appears to have eaten - drat - have to get another one). I have attempted to follow the best traditions of the Muthah Beautiful Thread by weasling my way into two tournaments that I, by all rights, should not have been admitted to (it is amazing how one will rise to the occasion when that most sacred of all icons (free booze) is offered as a prize). I even attempted to display the nobility and superiority of your lineage in my exorcism quest (though, admittedly, the exorcism has been less than effective -- I blame the Peng blood on the war bonnet, myself). But I see my contributions have simply gone unacknowledged. Perhaps the trauma of visiting the Land of Eternally Frozen Brains last week has taken too great a toll on your elderly, umm, I mean, senior, umm, no, I mean mature (yes, that's it) mind.

I offer up a sacrifice. Follow me.

(turns and walks down a short corridor)

C'mon, follow me. (heads for the dungeons)

Seanachai: Where are we going?

MrSpkr: Right here. (gestures towards a door with a small, barred window)

Go ahead, take a look.

Seanachai peers through the bars. In the torchlight, he sees a shriveled husk of a man sitting along the far wall and drooling on himself.

Seanachai: What is that?

MrSpkr: I'll explain - - -

(to be continued)

[ 07-16-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[OGSF]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

As to my request for a scenario, I'd like to thank Panzer Leader and OGSF for their submissions but they seem to have missed the point. ANYONE can lose a rigged scenario, that takes no skill at all. Losing a well balanced and designed scenario, on the other hand, takes TALENT, SKILL and a certain level of ... PANACHE!

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Och noo, Ah wid almost guarantee tha' af'n ye play tha scenario as tha Germans agin tha AI, ye'll nearly lose. Af'n ye play at as tha Brits agin tha AI, ye'll nearly lose. Gi' at a quick berl an' ye'll see wha' Ah mean. Tha's genius an tha' there file, laddie.

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCDJimy

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Claymore:

The weary traveler continues his trek upwards through the fetid halls of this madhouse. Occasionally he stops for a long pull on a flask now but half full of 15-year-old Laphroaig...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Roight, then!

How droll. While I am gratified that 'Claymore' has made some actual, er...

'literary' efforts to belong to our little community, and while his personifications of me as, well, in his terms 'a dwarf', are rather more accurate than not, yet I despair over his choice of personifications.

How like a fellow of his rather limited sense of 'security' in his own person to project his inner turmoil by making his 'enemies' cross-dressing, sexually indeterminate figures of fun, and portraying himself as swilling expensive whiskeys, while striding purposely forward; a powerful, masterful figure batting enemies aside with one meaty forepaw. Playing out, as it were, both his own distorted self image, while attempting to belittle others by casting them as the figures of the desires that haunt his own, twisted nightmares.

How sad. Two steps around behind his posturing will reveal him to be an angry, frustrated little man, a self-admitted 'physicist' living in, of all the ghastly places, Pasadena, California.

I would pity him, truly I would, if he wasn't a USELESS, PISS-SODDEN, PILE O' ****E; FANCYING HIMSELF TO BE A CLEVER LAD, MOCKING HIS BETTERS, AND DRUNK ON CHEAP RYE MUCK THAT HE'D LIKE TO PORTRAY AS FINEST SINGLE MALT SCOTCH, DAMN HIS LYING EYES, WHILE WALTZING AROUND IN THE CESSPOOL, A PLACE THAT HE'S NOT FIT TO GRACE AS AN F'ING THROW RUG, PORTRAYING HIMSELF AS SOME SORT OF RPG HERO FIGURE, WHILE MOCKING...SHUDDER...ACTUALLY MOCKING THE GODDESS BY POSTING USELESS ****E, AND LINKS TO CHEMICALLY CHALLENGED LUNATICS THAT I HAPPEN TO KNOW HE'S ACTUALLY SENT EMAIL TO, ASKING THEM FOR A 'TAROT' READING REGARDING HIS CHANCES IN THE WINECAPE 'TOURNAMENT OF STARS', AND ALSO ASKING IF THE SCOTS WITCH WAS AVAILABLE FOR HIS NEXT WEEKEND AWAY FROM THE WIFE FOR A BIT OF 'SLAP AND TICKLE'!

CLAYMORE, YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAN! YOU LACKWITTED SACK OF PUS, YOU DOOR TO DOOR BIBLE SALESMAN, YOU PUBERTY REVISITING REFUGEE FROM PUBERTY!

Ahem. I call into question even your most basic attributes by which we would define you as a man. You haven't been here long enough, laddy, nor entertainingly enough, nor powerfully enough to disrespect one of the Old Ones; especially on the heels of having thrashed one of the Old Ones.

I've no bloody doubt that you'll take refuge in the 'Oh, woes me, I'm such a very important chap, playing ever so many important games in the Winecape Invitational Tournament'. Well, lad, formerly we figured it for the 'Invitational Tournament of the Stars', given that the sponsors were not only offering significant prizes involving whiskey and wine, but that they'd invited 3, count them 3, members of the Eternal Peng Challenge Thread; but with the inclusion of you, we figure it for day release therapy for those criminals who can only be allowed around very young people by the constant application of medication and therapy.

And, lad, if you'd come against me (hell and damn, Bauhaus, I know not...I meant it the way I meant it, but he's probably making of it something even worse than you could come up with) as one gentleman to another, then I'd welcome you in.

But you chose the the low road, as it were, and dismissed me as the least of the Old Ones. You went for the sure laugh and the Shriner's road to humour.

Send me a setup, you pustule. You might slay the Berll, and you might mock the Seanachai, but you shall never hae Our Freedom! You greet, useless, dog-fornicating pillock.

[Seanachai]

Bah! Everything tastes of Jameson's.

Lorak, please let it be made apparent:

Berli: Loss

Seanachai: Win

It was a QB generated map, myself, as the stalwart Brits, attacking (and I've learned my lesson with Berli, and I included both a Churchill VIII, and two Cromwell VIIs).

I gained a Major Allied victory. I slowly and methodically rolled Berli up like a rather nicely done, if evil, oriental rug.

Now, allow me to shuffle off and contemplate what a bunch of lack-witted little horrors you are.

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

I need some competent (SSNs need not apply) designer to shoot me a scenario so that I can lose to Mace as GAWD intended! Perhaps a nice small to medium, attack/defend sort of thing? All submissions will be reviewed by ... well ... ME I guess, I might let Mace look at it too.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Sir Joe,

I believe I have just the thing! The Scaly one with the Blue tongue sent me a scenario for review and comment.

Now I realise that he barely rates as competant, barely rates as human and that being cold blooded, barely rates on infra-red, but perhaps we can run this scenario through and see what transpires.

Besides, we get our names mentioned in the text, we will be immortalized as Peng intended!

Mace

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

perhaps along the lines of the Spanish Inquisition<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

NO BODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!

Right, Quote classic line from Monty Python: that's Macey's life-goal no 231 done! *ticks*

Mace

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Mace wailed:

The nasty Peng infestation has now been dealt with, and normal signature services resumed.

Thankewe for your patience.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Roight, I heard a shot of penicillin clears that right up. Serves you right for hanging around in those kind of bars.

[David Aitken]

I am Dunnee, the one-man armoured division.

All those crews who abandoned their tanks to avoid getting blown to smithereens were just a bunch of cowards. I've never actually fought in a tank, but if I did, I know that I would never give up until the enemy put an AP round through my thick skull (assuming they could achieve a glacis penetration, which is unlikely).

Ricochet, internal flaking? Flaking? I don't care if the loader has dandruff. Non-lethal penetration? Quick, pass me my SMG and we can mount it in the new hole. Co-driver dead? Good, he's served his purpose, to absorb impacts and prevent further damage to the tank. Loader, AP round, quick!

Loader?

Where is everyone, and what's this pink foam everywhere? And where are my legs? Damn Jerries, it's time for some payback!

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I know that I would never give up until the enemy put an AP round through my thick skull (assuming they could achieve a glacis penetration, which is unlikely). <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You are referring, I assume, to the slope of the glacis which is substantial from my research and HEY I DID RESEARCH OKAY SO IT WAS WRONG BUT IT WAS RESEARCHED SO THERE CAUSE I READ IT. You do have to give young Failed Marshall credit for cojones I guess, I wouldn't have written an article about the Volksturm for THIS crowd unless I WAS a Volksturm. I guess that we have to have another incarnation of Benny Marneri (whatever) every six months or so just to keep us young.

Mace I don't know, I have my doubts about ANYTHING from Peng these days but shoot along a setup and I'll see if it looks playable UNLIKE THE PIECE OF TRASH HE FOISTED OFF ON BERLI AND I.

He whose name may not be bolded has offered to take a serf to squire ... hmmmm ... he already HAS a squire AND his name is not to be bolded SO if someone else would like to take this poor wretch under their wing in place of he whose name may not be bolded I think that would be ... a GOOD thing.

Joe

[Iskander]

[semiserious]

Jake: my goddam email is down but I can still get the www. If we're on for our game, reply here; email is useless.

Timecheck: 1716 Eastern.

[/semiserious]

And are we needing someone to take on this Snort-a-ki' person? He seems to have some promise; a tad wordy, though. And, most importantly, he makes disparaging comment about rye whiskey; very bad form, indeed!

I shall crawl into the nearest afforementioned rye bottle and ponder this for a tick or two....

[ 07-15-2001: Message edited by: Iskander ]

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Iskander:

[semiserious]

Jake: my goddam email is down but I can still get the www. If we're on for our game, reply here; email is useless.

Timecheck: 1716 Eastern.

[/semiserious]

[ 07-15-2001: Message edited by: Iskander ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I just saw it, and will email you for tomorrow night at 7pm (Monday). I thought you were having another "lost weekend". Hehe...

Jake

[ 07-15-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[Mace]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Mace I don't know, I have my doubts about ANYTHING from Peng these days but shoot along a setup and I'll see if it looks playable UNLIKE THE PIECE OF TRASH HE FOISTED OFF ON BERLI AND I.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You'll be happy to know then that I was in fact referring to Goanna.

Hey, how many cold blooded, blue tongue cesspoolers do we have here anyhow?

Mace

[Stalin's Organ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mace:

Hey, how many cold blooded, blue tongue cesspoolers do we have here anyhow?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Is there any other sort?

I mean you get the occasional soft-brained jibbering idiot, and once in a while there's the lesser preening loon. Oh, and I do believe there was once a sighting of a fekless bloated gutter-snipe, but that's never been confirmed.

But really there's not such a great variety of cold-blooded dunnyzens here.

[Moriarty]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goanna:

OK, for any of you that missed it(look I know you're not ignoring me over here), I have a new scenario done and ready for feedback. No, it's not one of those used to beat up SSNs. It's a good one. Maybe even a great one. Well, OK, maybe not the kind of product that comes out of He who I do not beleive in, but at least totally adequate.

Won't a couple of you speed freaks give it a try? Mace is.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Ah, quit yer blathering ya sun-baked hatband and send that scenario thingy post haste. Me an' Oh But I Just Stomped The Guts Out Of Moriarty ABCD have a rematch to attend to.

[OGSF]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Moriarty:

Ah, quit yer blathering ya sun-baked hatband and send that scenario thingy post haste. Me an' Oh But I Just Stomped The Guts Out Of Moriarty ABCD have a rematch to attend to.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Och aye, an' a wee splatterin' o' hais hapless pixels at was too. Basically Ah got tae tha vilage afore he daid, an' just shot tha crap oot o' anythan' thah moved. At's noo tha winnin' Ah enjoy, at's tha losin' Ah loathe. Speakin' o' loathin....

Lorak ye aingrown toenail, record tha followin' willye?

OGSF WIN - Total, 84 - 16

Moriarty LOST at lak a wee bairn wi' too much red cordial ain haim.

Aye laddies, look an' wonder!

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCDJimmy

[Stalin's Organ]

Y'know I just eralised where I've encountered Sir ABCD before - any Goon Show afficionadoes here?

In "Wings over Dagenham" the regulars aer busy singing "ying tie ying tie ying tie piddly-aye-po", and at the end comes the mystery guest with the line:

"Och, tunk gard yard funish'd ....ahd fargutten t' werds!"

[von shrad]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> Originally posted by Seanachai

It seems more fitting than letting him labour on under the, er, designation of 'piss-boy' which is hardly appropriate for him. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

While I am certainly content slugging around buckets of yesterdays bargain whiskey by saturated rope handles, I do look forward to a day without a Hepatitis-B shot and happily (if I did indeed have feelings) accept my meager post of squire.

You have my, um-hum, promise that I will not stick a dagger through your shoulder blades when I am done with you, if only to then feed you to the wolves. And I would never even consider selling you out to the highest bidder, or watch you squirm if I did, which I most certainly would not. I will not pour gasoline on you and your petty, little possessions and watch them burn with clenched teeth. Nor would I throw rocks at you as you gasped for air in the under-current or hit you upside the head with a pool cue while on a picnic.....

You get my point. You see I am perfectly harmless and couldn't even think up an evil deed such as covering you with honey and tying you to a stake in the middle of the desert as the vultures circled, all the while squirting freshly boiled red pepper juice in your eyes.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR> Originally posted by Joe Shaw

He whose name may not be bolded has offered to take a serf to squire ... hmmmm ... he already HAS a squire AND his name is not to be bolded SO if someone else would like to take this poor wretch under their wing in place of he whose name may not be bolded I think that would be ... a GOOD thing. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

How can you halt such a earthly process. Here this fine, young piss-boy is given a hand up by our gracious Seanachai and you choose to stop his charity. Would I wish you harm? Such as barefoot hiking through........

I would gladly have my attorneys work it out with you Joe but, they are more accustomed to getting people out of felony rap's. The glove obviously did not fit.

the piss-boy

[ 07-15-2001: Message edited by: von shrad ]