The Peng challenge, a thread that will live in infamy

[Croda]

Well, as luck may have it, I went to play some games today and have the dubious problem of having lost, well all of your email addresses. I have received turns from 2 of you interested in continuing our matches. If any of the rest are interested, please send away. (Yes, I could probably look at your profiles, but not all of the files are titled with the combatants.) Anyway, if you're interested, send the most recent file you have, as I will be incinerating my current PBEM folder. If not, then well, we can all start from scratch.

On a side not, I would like to try my hand at some more map-making (no, not more Crodaberg). I made a couple before my hiatus that I hope you enjoyed, and would like to continue. Mensch, perhaps you can take a look and see if they are anything that you would care to host. Let me know.

And considering this was all too civil, please begin sodding off at the count of 5:

1..

2..

5

[Iskander]

Go ahead and carve this one in, Lorak, but once "things" settle down over the weekend, I'll have a few things to say about the structure of your little record keeping system....

no fun, no game

[OGSF]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lindan:

Once in a while I tend to post. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

*raises one bushy eyebrow and peers from under the tartan bonnet*

Ah knoo yoo, laddie. Aye, tha' Ah do. A crrreepin', snifflin', clingin' wretch gobbed oop fraim tha most putrid dank porridge ain tha 'Pool. More a remnant fart bubble than a resident here. Sae ye've popped tae tha surface at last, eh? An' noo wha'? Saims tae mae tha' noo less than a solid kickin' wi mah Doctor Martin's as an order fer ye.

Aye, ye kin ask tha sweaty bugger Warphaid wha' Ah kin doo tae ye wee sodjers an' tanks. Are ye prrrepared tae have tha ****e kicked oot o' ye an' a PBEM, Herr Jimmy??

Waill, are ye...punk???

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCDJimmy

[Lorak]

well now.... What can I add to an already slow friday night of posting?

Armornut-win

Aitkin-loss

Mrspkr-win

Iskander-loss

And a really small game update.

Elvis and I are still playing Meeks WW2 smackdown map. Goofy as hel, but interesting.

Moriarty is still buried in Berli's basement.

Goanna is learning that an idiot(me) with a gun is a very dangerous thing.

Mace....mace is just a bastard. He just sits there and my guys blow up. enough said.

Lorak the loathed

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Waill, are ye...punk???<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Shouldn't that be ... poonk? Now admittedly MY ancestors (well at least the ones we TALK about) were Irish but still I doubt that George MacDonald Fraser (THE recognized expert at written-Scottish dialog) would stoop to using Punk when he had Poonk just sitting there waiting wit it's thoomb oop it's arse ... damnit man, now you've got me doing it.

Joe

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lindan:

Once in a while I tend to post. The worms. The smell. The Croda. Not to mention all the other imbeciles assembled hear. Pause. But then.. the cure. A bottle of "4711", the worst perfum ever made in Deutschland. Except Warphead's sweat perhaps. *emptying the bottle into the pool* Aaaaaargh! Delicious! The sweetness. Peng and such recoil in fear. This scent will get you all.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Don't be daft, you day-tripper. Peng drinks perfume. For the alcohol content, mainly. At least, that's our best guess as to why he does it.

[Seanachai]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Claymore:

...Scraps of yellow paper, half empty bags of pork rinds and bottle caps emblazoned "Coors" lie strew about. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Did that...that...sodomite actually imply that anyone in the Cesspool would drink Coors?

I can accept his trashing Berli, though I like it not, but this sort of calumny cannot pass unnoticed.

I say we all go over to the Winecape 'Tourney of Stars' thread and kick his arse.

[dalem]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Croda:

I made a couple before my hiatus that I hope you enjoyed, and would like to continue. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Hi Cromag!

I really enjoyed your hiatus, and by all means continue it.

Other than that, right now all I have to say is

1) username is a poo-head extroardinnaire, and

z) tero is a weird one.

5) the Outerboards hurts us, yess they does.

Montreal was fun. Don't let cabbies pick your strip joints; you end up at the Canadian equivalent of Porky's.

Turns out tomorrow.

[Goanna]

OGoonygoogooSF if your "oop fer aht" then why don't you send me the next turn in our decidely one side match, ya spotty mongrel.

[David Aitken]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Da Lem wrote:

1) username is a poo-head extroardinnaire, and

z) tero is a weird one.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

And I've been led to believe that the sun rises in the morning. Where do you get all your replacement eyes from, and more to the point, how can you read the SMG gap thread whilst suppressing the urge to round up half of the participants and use them to see just how effective SMGs really are?

[Goanna]

...only half. I'm thinking only Steve would make it out of that thread if I was standing at the door with an MP40.

BTW, Davo, what's the copyright policy on the Hamstertruppen pic? What if I wanted to get a tatoo of it?

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

MY ancestors (well at least the ones we TALK about) were Irish

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Why would any self-respecting person talk about or admit to having Irish ancestors? Perhaps you were thinking about your family "incestors". Perusing the meaningless drivel that you somehow feel compelled to post, it is obvious to all that you are Irish through and through, Joe Shaw.

Oh, that's right. You have no self-respect because you are a Texan, living in Utah, proudly proclaiming to be Irish. Three strikes. Yer OUT!!

[ 07-14-2001: Message edited by: Lawyer ]

[Mark IV]

Happy Bastille Day, you provincial scum. This should be a big day for the rabble, i.e., all of you. As PawBroon knows, this calls for drinks, though it's still a mite early here.

The SMG thread was fun when it was about guns and stuff. Username was throwing his usual snowballs at traffic, and the amazing Finns were discovered to have invented the sky. Those were good times. You may now fire at will.

Everyone I have been playing seems to have been befallen by strange RL disasters. This is excellent, actually a part of my strategy. Who would like to be next? Perhaps I'll go lean on a lamp post in Chat, for some easy TCPIP action....

[David Aitken]

I have the ultimate answer to the national modifiers debate. As we all know (except tero), national differences are manifested at the tactical and operational level. Therefore, it is up to the player to control his units according to the doctrine of the army he is playing. To make the game more realistic, this doctrine should be enforced. If the player does not employ historically accurate doctrine, military police shall be despatched to his house and he shall be arrested and taken away for 'reconditioning'.

If he was playing as the Russians, he shall be tortured, forced to sign a confession to being a tzarist saboteur, and shot. In the case of the Germans, he shall be relieved of his rank and prevented from controlling any forces in CM except penal battalions clearing minefields or burying the dead in the front line, whilst fending off tanks using bayonets and Molotov cocktails. If he was a British commander, he shall be given a good talking to and banned from the officers' mess for a week. As for an American commander, he shall be promoted to Lieutenant-General and given several divisions to play with.

[David Aitken]

After seeing Fieldmarshall's idea of offensive tactics, I was interested to see what kind of article he's written for Manx's site. I was very surprised – he has produced an excellent work of satire which I encourage you all to read here.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>You have no self-respect because you are a Texan, living in Utah, proudly proclaiming to be Irish. Three strikes. Yer OUT!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Let me see if I have this straight, we have WASHINGTON GOVERNMENT LAWYER taking ME to task over my background ...

Joe

[Lawyer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Let me see if I have this straight, we have WASHINGTON GOVERNMENT LAWYER taking ME to task over my background ...

Joe<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You may need to read it more slowly and use your fingers to keep track, but I think you are starting to get the hang of it.

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>You may need to read it more slowly and use your fingers to keep track, but I think you are starting to get the hang of it. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I'm sorry, I should have realized that my sense of incredulity wouldn't have been clear to someone who must daily make the most absurd statements with a straight face. Having to justify the ludicrous proposals you must "advocate" has obviously dulled your senses to the point where "light reading" is considered the U.S. Customs Regulations. You are Sir, I regret to say, a Lawyer ... further scorn than that I cannot express,

Joe

[Lawyer]

You should never, never insult a Washington Lawyer. I have just erased your Social Security file and told the FBI and Fox TV that Chandra Levy is hiding at your house.

You get what you deserve.

[OGSF]

Berli, Ah didnae think Ah've had reason tae address ye darectly afore noo - but as "Nan Beach" wun o' your abominations??

Cos af'n at as, Ah demand satasfaction fraim tha gamey, sand-baggin' bastarrrd (as ain "complete an' utter")wha' created at - whichud bae yoo, Jimmy.

Wha nae just start mae oot wi' a company o' dead sodjers, instaid o' thas ridiculous process o' havin' Mensch gun thaim doon afore they hit tha beach ain two turns?

Ah'll sae yoo Jimmy. Saind mae a setup, fer at's debt o' despair ye need tae settle. Wha aboot wun o' Croda's, double bleend.

Af'n Ah didnae mention tha' Ah hate ye, consider at mentioned.

Bastaarrrd.

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCDJimmy

[mensch]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OGSF:

Wha nae just start mae oot wi' a company o' dead sodjers, instaid o' thas ridiculous process o' havin' Mensch gun thaim doon afore they hit tha beach ain two turns?

Bastaarrrd.

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCDJimmy<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

ha me lad!! the canucks have landed on the juno beach, your Queen's Own Rifles are washing ashore now, me barrels are red hot from shooting and my FO's have you pinned. I just hope the damn scenario designer made it right and your Fort Garry Horse DD Tanks show up late!! and your AVRE's get a bad case of the windholes from my AT guns.

all my thanks to M.Dorish for giving me less guys to defend a HUGE beach with...

[OGSF]

Ah balieve Ah ha' wrongfully accused Berli o' bein' responsible fer tha piece o' ****e scenario called "Nan Beach". At's nae evil - at's just inept.

Ah cud sah tha "s" worrrd, bu' Ah widnae.

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCDJimmy

[chrisl]

Since it's not a work day, apparently none of you other slugs are posting and the thread has dropped to the last line of page one. Normally, I would just watch it drop, since you all irritate me immensely in your own particular ways, but this time I decided to save the stupid thread with a little bit of grog stuff.

All the alleged pioneer grogs were arguing about the date of chainsaw invention, so I went out and looked it up. Amazing what a search will tell you, especially if you don't have to use the UBB one on a board with a quarter million posts. The first appearance of the chainsaw was as an osteotome:

first chainsaw

That's right, it was invented by a doctor around 1830 for chopping bits off people, so next time the saw bucks and cuts your head off, remember that's its original application. This also puts the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the final battle scene from Motel Hell into a completely new light. Who knew that they were really medical documentaries?

Now here's a bit more on the development of the chainsaw:

chainsaw history

It turns out, and this is where it gets very groggy. Close your eyes if you can't bear it. It turns out that Stihl (you know, they still make all sorts of saws) was a German guy who gets credit for the first portable, gasoline powered chainsaw in the mid to late 1920s. (The original medical version appears to have been handcranked-- imagine getting a craniotomy with that thing).

(edited for punctuation groggyness?)

[ 07-15-2001: Message edited by: chrisl ]

[Mace]

Well,

Poor Joe Shaw, nabs the sole VL, pounds my troops, causes some to route, and what does he get?

A draw!!!

If I wasn't drunk, which I am, I'd celebrate by embibing copious amounts of alcohol!!!

LORAK

please note:

Joe Shaw: Draw

Mace: Draw

Mace

[Claymore]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Seanachai:

Did that...that...sodomite actually imply that anyone in the Cesspool would drink Coors?

I can accept his trashing Berli, though I like it not, but this sort of calumny cannot pass unnoticed.

I say we all go over to the Winecape 'Tourney of Stars' thread and kick his arse.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

The weary traveler continues his trek upwards through the fetid halls of this madhouse. Occasionally he stops for a long pull on a flask now but half full of 15-year-old Laphroaig. The hard punch of its thick peaty spirits proves a stong elixir against these dank and miserable caverns. As we stand here observing this stout warrior we dimly hear the sound of bells in the far reaches of the tombs above us. He immediately stoppers the flask, secures it to his belt, dawns his rubber gloves and only then shines the torch upwards towards the direction of the bells. He is not afraid of this place or its denizens but a little caution and preparation against these whelps of darkness is always of worth.

The bells we first heard alone can now be heard accompanied by a frenetic falsetto voice but the words are nie indistinguishable. It appears to be doggerel of some type, a frantic bleat of some collection of phrases, ending and beginning nowhere. A figure appears, small and runted, misshapenly twisted and standing perhaps a total of 4 feet tall. It dances towards him continuing it mad sing-song.

Frog and toad and newt and bat

I'm a witch and that's a fact

I'd love to sleep all day in my bunk

If I could only find some burly hunk

It appears dressed in a short stained and tattered black robe revealing a pair of black-haired bowlegged limbs that terminate in what must be size 16 feet. The figure sports white hair which sticks up crazily about its head like a crown of thorns. The face is heavily made up with harsh splotches of rouge lathed on the cheeks and brilliant red lipstick scrawled half-hazardly across thick brutish lips. Garish purple mascara has been applied to the crone's eyelashes creating an effect reminiscent of a forest in winter. We are left with the impression that this dwarven person can only in fact be male but has dawned these garbs for some reason only known to it.

"Hiya sonny" the crone shrills, "I haven't seen you around here before, ooohhh say…you're a big one"

"Back Madame…I mean Sir…I mean…keep your distance, whatever you are"

"Keep my distance eh? I'm a witch sonny! You better be nice to me or I'll turn you into a newt!"

This exchange gives our companion precious time to recover his bearings and to recall the wise advice given him by others before he started on his journey down into the bowels of this Bedlam. "Pay them no attention" they said, "after all…they're all a just bunch of gits and panty-waists. Although they're drunk, filthy and possibly infectious gits and panty-waists."

He draws himself up and says "Push off. I've got no time or inclination to converse with those who's minds have been twisted by this foul and unwholesome abode"

"I'm a witch" the dwarf continues, attempting to bar the way of our hero. "I got a wart and everything!" It then produces a disheveled dust mop from some harness attached to its back and lays wildly about itself in a frenzied swirl, creating not an inconsiderable dust cloud in the process.

"cough…hack…cough…I'm a witch! I'm a witch! …cough…hack…see I even got myself a website and everything!"

It tears apart its black robes to revel a T-shirt, topped with a dingy blue push-up bra stuffed with old grey athletic socks. We can see however that the T-shirt is in fact emblazoned with the letters

"Lady Seanachai - Witch - http://home.talkcity.com/DharmaDr/ladyseanachai"

Our companion thinking it best to ignore the overstuffed bra quickly disarms the figure of its dustmop which now only infuriates the gender bent sorceress even more.

"Ar' give it back! That's my broom! Give it back or you'll be sorry!" The now frothing buffoon has now dropped all pretensions of feminine voice and our ears are lashed with a guttural Irish brogue.

Planting the dust mop firmly in the center of the now frantic figure, our hero pushes him inexorably back against the wall. The length of mop handle giving some measure of protective distance from the spittle and goo explosively ejected from the goon's mouth. He rears back with one massive club-like fist and stepping forward smashes the fist directly downwards on the buffoon's head. It is over instantly, the figure drops as if pole axed and lies splayed on the filth-encrusted floor.

"Damn…I'm not even half way out of this place. I hope there aren't more of these creatures lying about. A fellow could catch something if he wasn't careful."

He drops the dust mop at the feet of the comatose cross dressing spell caster, shakes his head and after another quick taste from his flask continues upwards.