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Guest JonS

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... I like it smile.gif


The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces actions upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves the area.

Airborne: Lands on and squashes the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine MEU: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of


Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. Pops smoke for helicopter extract.

Pathfinder: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply: Posts: "NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder."

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 HIND helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100km east of snake due to weather (Too hot...also, too cold, was clear but too overcast, too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

AH-64 pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

UH-60 pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

B-52 pilot: Puts ARC-LIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two square miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence: "Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. "

JAG: Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

Signals: Tries to communicate with snake...fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that snake did not have the correct freq., or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signals Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the (2) smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the (2) smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for, but only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.



[This message has been edited by JonS (edited 02-15-2000).]

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Guest Ol' Blood & Guts

I think we've all gone "LOOPY" while waiting for this stinkin' game.

But that is hilarious!

Especially the one about the Navy SEALs. I have a previous bad experience with an ex-Navy SEAL. M@#$$#@ F@#@# thought he was some sort of a genius when he didn't know what the HELL was going on. He couldn't realize that he was on a civilian job. Trouble was that he was put in charge as his college major, Geologist, over several veteran core drillers who had many years experience while he was new to the trade. Started "barking" orders when we all knew his orders were "off-beat" with the plan. Needless to say, sparks flew at times.

Oh, dont get me wrong, we tried to do the job in "his" allotted time. But one thing with core drilling, you NEVER know what you'll run into. I think his "orders" drove several people off the job.


"I want you to remember that...no bastard ever won a war...by dying for his country...He won it...by making the other poor dumb bastard...die for his country."--George S. Patton

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