[Distributing the Peng Challenge In Europe: No Rest for the Wicked]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

snippage of the mumbo jumbo that always gets ladled up to reopen the MBT

Finally, when it gets right down to it, we don't need or want any of you. We can sell this Thread for millions to vicious arseholes like Bill Gates. In fact, we get requests from him weekly, begging us to sell the complete rights to the Peng Challenge Thread for immense sums of money, not to mention huge tracts of land.

And I still say we should have taken the money!

That is, until I found out that the money was indeed part of a package deal with the "huge tracts of land". This of course can only mean one thing. Gates is trying to unload Canada and Australia. I've suspected for years that Microsoft owns and operates both Canada and Australia. And before you laugh that notion off, ask yourself this question:

Who else could take something with so much promise and screw it up so completely?

Have an answer for that one? I thought not.

Microsoft's involvement does explain a few things, not the least of which are:

1) Why no self respecting person would live in either Canada or Australia

2) Why the world is stuck with them both

Papa

[Distributing the Peng Challenge In Europe: No Rest for the Wicked]

Originally posted by Boo_Radley:

Sure, why not? I tried to be gallant and told Joe I'd be his second in the Blood Hamster match, but he shunned me like I was an Amish boy wearing a nipple ring. So, yeah. Let's gag him.

But, Boo-Boo, you ARE a nipple ring laden Amish boy, aren't you?

Papa

[Who's For a Jolly Sing Song, and Another Go At the Peng Challenge?]

And now for some gamey updates from Panzer Armee Khann!

Scenario 1: Foothills of Froid

Axis Player: The glorious Hun infantry is commanded by none other than my humble self.

Allied Player: Joe Shaw commands not only his usual assemblage of Wall Mart Greeters, but also some French troops. Yes, the French!! The bleeding d*mn French!

And to make matters worse - Joe is winning, I'm not (oh the utter humiliation). Russian Front, here I come.

Scenario 2: Field of Trouble

Axis Player: Pantless Leader. (It should have been me, but the shameless git pulled seniority on me and demanded them.)

Allied Player: Papa Khann. Hot dogs and fireworks on the 4th of July. Oh boyo, oh boyo.

It's still early but Pantless' Hun infantry is starting to feel the weight of my HE fire and flanking infantry.

Wait, what's this? A post from Pantless Leader himself....

Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

Goodbye everyone! I am moving tomorrow and must disconnect my sacred computer from its cyber-link! God knows when the next planetary alignment will allow my many electronic devices to once again co-habitate peacefully, but I'm hoping by Saturday.

Moving. Right.

I smell a rat. This stinks of cowardice. Something smells awful. Oh wait, Joe is back from vacation.

Very well then, Pantless, go hook up your computer thingie again and send me the next turn.

Scenario 3: Claustrophobia

Axis Player: Yours truly commands the glorious forces of the fatherland's own Panzer Armee Khann.

Allied Player: R_Leete

We've just begun this little bocage laden nightmare and already he's whining about stuff that I have thats blowing up stuff he used to have.

Send me a turn, Are_Late.

Quick Battle 1: Axis Attack on American held village.

Axis Player: Panzer Armee Khann. Need I say more?

Allied Player: Boo_Rattly

In his emails for the first few turns, Boo expressed dissatisfaction with the pace of my advance. In his last email (still very early in the game), he asked if I actually had any troops in this scenario.

Apparently the poor sod has been incarcerated in Akron for eons and can no longer tolerate a single moment without electronic stimulation. Either that, or he has grown accustomed to playing against Ass Master and wonders why I don't rush blindly into the teeth of his guns.

Patience, Boo-Boo, patience. I know you like to see the pretty colors, and I tried to oblige you by blowing up your M8, but just trust me. The Huns will be along shortly.

Quick Battle 2: Meeting Engagement near a small village.

Axis Player: Panzer Armee Khann rolls confidently onto the battlefield.

Allied Player: Nobutt is using Canadians. Can you believe it? Canadians!?!

This one is just beginning to roll. Nobutt is spending most of his time thus far under the artful observation of my artillery spotters. Now if he would just stop moving every time the shells start coming down...

Oh yeah, send me a turn, you Aussie git.

Papa

[Who's For a Jolly Sing Song, and Another Go At the Peng Challenge?]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Now, Harv, the reason I know, respect, and even like Canada is simple: I'm a Minnesotan.

Does not compute. I'm a Minnesotan and I know for a fact that I look down on Canadians. Then again, I look down on everyone. But I especially look down on Canadians. And Australians. And Akronites.

And it has long been the dream of our State to secede from the American Union and, after Conquering Canada, form a new nation that will finally achieve perfection.

Did he actually just use the words "Canada" and "perfection" in the same sentence?

We, as Minnesotans, will finally be free form having to deal with the useless, whining, aggressive swine of the East Coast, the daft and drooling hicks of America's South, the bumbling lackwits of States like Ohio and Illinois, the 'aura fed' idiocy of Californians, the gibbering idiocy and back-slapping stupidity of Texans, the...Well, I think you get the picture.

All valid points.

I still don't see why we need the Candians though. Lets go someplace WARM. Well, warm in January anyway. And someplace where theres no blasted humidity in the summer! Not Australia, though. I ain't living on the same continent with Noba (send me a turn, you git), Mace, AJ and the rest of their pod.

and then Seanachai blathered on about pretty much everything else under the sun, so I snipped it

Originally posted by Persephone:

Seanachai, ya, you Minneasoteans with your snow and wood chippers think you are soooooo much better than us friendly Illinoisans...

It's Ill-Annoyances.

Originally posted by something called a Boo_Radley:

Yes! OHIO! Yes!

A friendly place where peoples of different faiths, colors, ideologies, musical tastes, depth perceptions, height, weight, hair color, modes of travel, understanding of gerunds can all come together in one harmonious blend of flesh.

One harmonious blend of flesh!?! I'm stunned by this admission, Boo-Boo.

So tell me, how many times have you reread "The Island of Dr. Moreau" just because it seemed like the author was speaking directly to you? And does the phrase "twisted chromosomal nightmare" ring a bell with you? As in your parents ringing the "dinner" bell, perhaps?

Papa

[ July 09, 2002, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: Papa Khann ]

[Who's For a Jolly Sing Song, and Another Go At the Peng Challenge?]

Originally posted by dalem:

I'm back from vacation and presented with too much MBT to catch up on, so I won't. I start here with my loathing and my general disapproval. Turns will go out by lunchtime. Or close of business today. Something like that, because I have to do laundry.

Papa Khann! - a synopsis of the MBT since I left to frolic in lands vaguely mitten-shaped, please.

My Liege returns! Welcome back, and I hope your respite affected you favorably. (Quick, Pondscum, close the barn door before he can see what a mess the giraffes have made...)

After much browsing and considerable thought, I have prepared the synopsis of the MBT you've requested, sire. The gist of it is summed up nicely in this post:

I'd name names here, but that would take too long. Suffice to say that the lot of you are a bunch of wankers and idiots. Now all of you go send me a turn.

I don't recall who said that, and I don't feel like rereading the entire MBT again to find out. I only know that it's true. Who knows, maybe I said it. Or if I didn't, I should have.

Papa

[Who's For a Jolly Sing Song, and Another Go At the Peng Challenge?]

Originally posted by Boo_Radley:

Yeah, I hear ya flapping your gums over there. Pretty tough talk for someone who is still sending individual units against me. Or did my arty do a bit more damage that you let on? Maybe I should send a bit more over your way.

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />

Originally posted by athkatla:

Maybe you should send a freaking turn!

</font>

[Who's For a Jolly Sing Song, and Another Go At the Peng Challenge?]

Originally posted by Persephone:

...Arresting notorious criminals like the Mini-Apolis Gnome...

Persephone, being a resident of the same great city as this mini-Gnome you refer to, I feel obiliged to respectfully point out that we do not inhabit Mini-Apolis. It's ManyApplesLess, thankyou very much.

Now whats with this Pox Giver Grove that you and Beergut inhabit?

Papa

[Who's For a Jolly Sing Song, and Another Go At the Peng Challenge?]

Originally posted by a thang what is called a Boo_Radley:

Point the "shooty end" of your troops????

Point the "shooty end" of your troops?!?!

That's just too, too rich. So, were you nursed on lead paint for your entire childhood or what?

No, it's "point the shooty end" of your troops.

You know, Boob, it's the end with the big pipelike thingies sticking out of it. The fact that you seem not to know which end that is explains a lot about the effectiveness of your so-called "Ring of Tires" defense.

Now quit lollygagging around here (or stalking or peeping or whatever it is you're currently trying to entertain yourself with there in Akron) and go send me a turn. Dingus.

Papa

[Who's For a Jolly Sing Song, and Another Go At the Peng Challenge?]

Originally posted by R_Leete:

If you watched carefully, you would have noted that they kept their guns pointed in the direction of the enemy. Okay, the dweeb played by a dweeb (bob newhart) didn't. But McQueen showed him the error of his ways, all without saying a word. Something you should note for future games of Croda- (who'd want this damn town anyway) -burg.

Yadda yadda yadda. Thats great, Are_Late. I see you've finally figured out which way you're supposed to point the shooty end of your troops.

Now take a pause from your incessant blathering on and go send me a turn. Git.

Papa

[Who's For a Jolly Sing Song, and Another Go At the Peng Challenge?]

Originally posted by Boo_Radley:

An unbelievable amount of pompous pontificating SNIPPED because continued exposure to the mindless pap that continues to pour like some loathful effluvium from your fingertips is enough to make me believe that there is no goodness or beauty left in the world today.

And when I mentioned that I was "going to be all over you like a cheap suit", I was thinking in more direct terms. I meant that like a "cheap suit" I would bind you in all of your naughty bits. That I would drape you like a shroud. That I would be a cause to have you mocked in public. That's all.

Listen carefully, Boo-Brain, because I want to be absolutely clear on this. I want you no where near my "naughty bits".

My dear Poppy-cock. You have a strange and annoying habit (more than one, actually. I think it's safe to assume that you are annoying habits made flesh...or lard. Whatever.) of naming inanimate objects around you. Do you live in a Peewee Herman sort of universe? Just curious.

Mr. Reubens had a decent shtick going there for awhile. However, not unlike you I suspect, Boo-Boo, he needed to learn to refrain from engaging in "private" activities in public places. Or so I hear.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go rummage around in Ralph the Refrigerator for something to eat.

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by Boo_Radley:

And in our little game, I'm going to be all over you like a cheap suit.

But you're probably used to that.

My dear Boo-Hoo, in my eyes you are indeed akin to a cheap suit. It's such an excellent similarity, in fact, that I curse myself for not thinking of it personally.

Like a cheap suit, you have the ability to make me (along with the rest of the human inhabitants of this planet... note how deftly I excluded the Australians there) feel profoundly uncomfortable.

Like a cheap suit, I think you should be handed down to the redheaded stepchild of a distant relative. Preferably one that lives in the most remote, desolate section of a wilderness far from my beloved home. Say for instance, Akron.

And lets not forget that, like a cheap suit, I fully expect that redheaded stepchild to cast you away from itself in disgust. So that years later a complete and unwitting stranger (someone like R_Leete or Pantless Leader... yes probably Pantless Leader) will find you hanging on a rack in the back wall of a Salvation Army outlet store and consider buying you. Not to wear in public, mind you, but to wear while changing the oil in their car, etc.

And so, Boo-Boo, I hearby christen our fledgling CM game the match of "Panzer Armee Khann versus Boo-Rattly's Salvation Army Wanna-Bes".

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by AussieJeff:

bit of snippage

... He's taken away his fine leg, stuck a man in at silly point, brought mid on into short backward square leg, forced long off and cover back to the fence and ordered his keeper up to the stumps with his fastest bowler "Heaver" Harv coming on to have a go. Now that doesn't look like a captain who knows anything about cricket, does it?

lots more snippage

AussieJeff, I used to tease you about those popping and clicking noises you use in lieu of speech. Now I long for the popping and clicking. At least with the popping and clicking, I didn't feel as if I should try to understand you.

Perhaps one of the other Australians can tell me if the strings of unintelligle syllables AJ is spewing actually describe the game of cricket? Or has AJ finally parted ways with the tiny bit of sanity he had?

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by Kitty:

Who the hell is boo radley? =/

Kitty

Forgive me for repeating this again, but she did ASK (bless you, Kitty).

Well, judging from his tracks, he's about six and a half feet tall. He eats raw squirrels, and all the cats he can catch. There's a long, jagged scar that runs all the way across his face. His teeth are yellow and rotten. His eyes are popped. And he drools most of the time.

And thats on one of his good days.

Papa

[ July 03, 2002, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: Papa Khann ]

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by Goanna:

Each and every one of you pathetic surrender monkeys owes me a turn.

OK, maybe not all of you, but I still hate each and every one of you anyway.

Now can one of you sweaty circle-jerking marines (uncapitalised to show proper disdainfor their ilk) please put a bullet in this crappy cricket playing SSN, Khan. He's a bloody serial posting twit.

Now if you want to talk about bonza cricket teams, you need look no further than Australia. I could go on for days . . .

Feels like you have already.

No, really there, Aussie guy, just keep churning out more of that captivating and enthralling tripe you're peddling... snore.

And when you're finished, by all means drop some more nickels into AussieJeff and Mace.

What, you Australians all get drunk together last night? Someone slip you all a few uppers in your drinks?

I haven't heard such a chorus of cricket clicking and chirping since the last time I walked into a meadow filled with the filthy little buggers. "Cricket this", "cricket that", "oh look, by golly, it's time for cricket!".

Face it, the sport is named after an insect. How important can it be?

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by something what call itself Lard:

Please take note that there was no denial of the minivan.

I believe the appropriate phrase for me at this point is "I do not immediately recall" owning a minivan.

Originally posted by Buzzsaw:

Lars please stop abusing the elders. I think that your talk about soccer Moms has encouraged Papa to renew his Viagra prescription.

snippage of mindless drivel about putting down their teen magazines long enough to conclude a single turn of CM, or some such

Since when do I need encouragement from either one of you two knuckleheads?

Furthermore, should I find the good fortune to both meet a soccer mom AND have a bottle of Viagra on hand, at least I'm old enough to stay out with her past 10 p.m. And without parental supervision.

Now what would either of you two snot nosed whelps do with a soccer mom? Or for that matter, any member of the fairer sex old enough to have a drivers license? Come to think of it, ANY female that exists outside your sordid imaginations?

Papa

[ July 03, 2002, 01:44 AM: Message edited by: Papa Khann ]

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by PondScum:

Papa Khann, if those paramedics haven't left yet I think you should sic 'em on our petite liege and master - he's clearly hallucinating again.

PS Having fun with those tin cans?

Well, the one sort of left via the window. I don't think he'll be available for some time (poor Akronite sod). I can send the other over if you like.

PS

I like tin cans. They make big "whooshie" noises when they blow up.

Originally posted by Lars:

Why don't you get back into your minivan and go chase the Soccer Moms, Papa?

Then you wouldn't have to be such an expert at the slap shot, playing the crease and high sticking in Pocket Hockey.

Bit of hostility there, Lard (between the ears, that is), bit of hostility indeed. All I was trying to do was point out the error in your statement regarding hockey. (And also to point out that you are obviously a dolt of enormous proportions. But that is another matter.) And this is how you repay me?

And hey, some of those Soccer Moms are cute.

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by Lars:

Spoken like a true crumpet stuffer.

No need to put Ice in front of Hockey. There is no other kind.

Twit.

Buzzzzzt! Wrong again, Lard (between the ears, that is). Ever heard of Field Hockey? (Or for that matter, the variant I suspect is preferred by most of you Pooler miscreants, Pocket Hockey?)

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

My dear Papa Khann (name italicized out of the remotest dollop of grudging respect for form, rather than character) allow me to elucidate you on the two rules which apply to what Dalem might refer to as his Squire-SSN.

Rule the First: Squires names may be boldened or not at the worthy addressers leisure. Italics is an option, but name-calling is frowned upon, unless warrented by extreme doltishness on the squire's part.

Check!

Rule Omnipotnce: Squires takes it wheres they can gets it, smile and say "Thank you sir, may I have another?"

No Check?!

Now then, Poop: I can! must I show you with pictures where your many faults lie? Mayhaps instead you can regain what iota of reason you may possess and allow your betters to mold you into something more worthy than the dregs and skalliwags you count as boon companions presently?

Oh very well then. Serves me right for listening to Joe.

I shall grant you the comeuppance you seem to crave so greatly. It shall be a pleasure, a trifle, an act of mercy no less (akin to shooting a wild, afflicted dog... wait, such a pitiful creature would be much more worthy than Pantless Leader, not to mention significantly more intelligent). Suffice it to say that I shall exercise my superior tactical awareness upon you.

And no, I don't want to purchase, view, or otherwise be exposed to ANY pictures someone like you, Pantless, would likely have in their possession.

The setup file will be on its way to you shortly.

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by something called a Boo_Radley:

An unbelievable amount of screamingly vapid remarks, self-justifications and neanderthalic grunts SNIPPED! Because reading this stuff is like having bees live inside my head.

But my dear Boo-Boo, at least then you would have SOMETHING inside that otherwise hollow inflatable dome of yours.

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

By George this one is turning out well! Note that he's already tumbled to the importance of a PROPER challenge. It was, of course, I who first brought this important matter to the attention of the CessPool and insisted that challenges be issued in the proper form.

Papa Khann I'll be sending you a link to the Code Duello that specifies the proper forms for challenges and so forth. Perhaps between the two of us we can bring the CessPool around and make challenges what they were meant to be. Well Done Lad!

Joe

Did I say "impotent old geezer"? Sorry, Joe, what I actually meant to say was, "potent opponent squeezer".

It just came out funny.

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by dalem:

Well, yeah, that's what I meant, of course. And stuff.

Fear not, oh munificent one. I have understood the meaning (if not the exact wording) of each any every phrase uttered from your pristine lips. Let not the ramblings of that impotent old geezer, Joe Shaw distract from the pulchritudinous spectacle that is my Liege.

I shall sally forth in search of my prey, oh Master.

Your loyal underling,

Papa

P.S.

Master, might my predatory endeavor conclude somewhat more successfully if you were to remind yourself to unlock The Box and let me out?

P.S.S.

Shut the h*ll up, ALL of you (but not you, of course, Master). I want OUT of this d*mn Box.

[ July 02, 2002, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: Papa Khann ]

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

mass snippage of mindless drivel... oh looky looky everybody, Panzer Leader is speaking blah, blah, blah

(Note: the movie character's name is here-in boldened, not the foolish git who is currently reading this.)

Now, what this all means, PK, is that I offered you a challenge yesterday, and you FAILED TO RESPOND!!! And that, friends, is a slight worth shouting about. PK, check back a page or two, wipe the sweat from your brow, show due contrition, and step forward to meet this challenge! You sir, have been named, and found wanting.

Panzer Leader, I feel obliged to refer you to the post of the Justicar of the MBT, which predates your challenge by one full day.

I quote:

"I hereby grant the Squiredom of Papa Khann (spelt AND bolded as befits a Squire of the CessPool) to dalem."

Since you failed to observe the forms in your so called CHALLENGE (and like as not a more lame one has never been issued here) by refusing to bold my moniker, and continue to perpetrate this wrong upon me in your subsequent posts, I feel my hands are tied. Needless to say, when you have finished your remedial reading regarding the proper forms and customs associated with a CHALLENGE, I shall love nothing greater than to exercise my superior tactical awareness upon your unsuspecting Huns. And by "Huns" I refer to your pixilated (and no, I don't mean made up of pixels here, boyo) troops, not the inebriated trollops you most likely spend the lion's share of your time with.

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

body of post snipped... trust me, it won't be missed

Reports of my death have been greatly Exaggerated

Unfortunate, that.

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by Boo_Radley:

Once again the hapless hack from Minnesota derides others for using location as a source of derision...and then turns around and does it himself.

Irony, you just gotta love it!

Actually, my dear Boo-Boo, that was the first time I derided you for using location as a source of ridicule of others. On prior occasions, I had only derided you for being from Akron.

Forgive me if the post seemed a bit disjointed. Prior to that day I'd never heard anyone from Akron attempt to deride any other life form over its location. I was in a state of shock. And it was hard to type while laying on the floor with my feet elevated on the thighs of a paramedic, screaming loudly that "I must not miss this opportunity" at a second paramedic who was attempting to administer an I.V.

At first they weren't going to let me post. But after I explained to them that some wanker from Akron was trying to ridicule another living creature based on its location, the I.V. paramedic said they would gladly bend the rules for me.

Unfortunately, this little tale has a sad ending. You see, while I was composing that post, the "foot lifter" paramedic got all emotional and threw himself out of a third story window. I was almost as stunned by this act as I was by Boo attempting to poke fun at Joe because he is from Utah. I couldn't understand why anyone would do that!

That is, until the I.V. paramedic explained that the jumper was originally from Akron.

Papa

[Peng, I challenge you to Tag Team Thumb Wrestling]

Originally posted by AussieJeff:

Please keep your lackwit love fantasies to yourself, Mr Jock Monkey. Especially those involving the one-eyed, decrepit and criminally insane. Thank Berli I don't fall into either of those two categories!

AJ

It pains me to have to admit this in public. In no less a place than the CessPool. But when you are right, you are right, AJ. And for what I can only imagine is the first time in your pathetic little life, you are right. You don't fit into "either" of those categories.

I'm sure that third eye of yours (the one in the middle of your forehead, you dolt) would have the "one-eyed" putting you off. And lord knows the decrepit have been shunning your entreaties and advances for years.

That would leave only the criminally insane, by which I assume you mean Mace, Noba, and the rest of the Aussie pod or coven or hive or whatever on gods green earth it is. So now you're saying that even they are kicking you out too?

Papa