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Marlon Brando, the PENG CHALLENGE and me


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Awright you puling dragknuckles. Drop your momma's apron strings and toe the line! When I was told to minister to you wankers I briefly contemplated becoming a RTS fan. But this duty has been handed to me, and I shall discharge it for the sheer simple hate of you maggots.

Now, a few of you have insinuated that there was something amiss with the previous thread. Something lacking. Well, I'm here to let you know that your squeaks of protest will stop now, as these are the Rules of the Peng Challenge Thread.

When you stumble in through the door, still bleary-eyed after your morning Cheerios, single out somebody who's equally as pathetic as you, so long as they're not of a higher standing by decree of Justicariate, and challenge them to a do-or-die, knock-down-drag-out, test by CM.

Now, when I say "challenge," I do not mean to indicate that you should ask "does anybody want a game?" or say "I'm new to CM and was looking for somebody to show me the ropes." The Rules forbid anybody, even uninitiated SSNs, accepting such a miserable excuse for a taunt. We have an Opponents Finder forum for you nancies.

SOUND OFF LIKE YOU HAVE A PAIR! Do not sound off about your pair; there are certainly other places on the web for that sort of behavior. Keep it to yourself and we'll all be friends. Do not act as though you have some inherent superiority to or hatred toward any other group, except occassionally in all good fun Canadians, Fremchies, Free Presbyterians, the Iranian Moderates, or anybody who believes we should be ashamed of our status as Poolers.

Now, this will give you a certain further responsibility toward each other: a close bond amongst us such as is felt only by those who hate others, and let it be known that they hate others. Anywhere outside the Pool you'd be investigated, persecuted, and medicated for such behavior. But here, it's not just accepted. It is DEMANDED!

Now, after all this, you may feel important. You may feel special. You may feel as though we owe you something. Well, my loverly young trollops, you are SORELY mistaken. We owe you nothing, except such respect as you EARN, through your conduct here in the Pool as well as on the fields of battle.

We have been here since days lost to memory. We'll be here so long as there is hate enough to keep us alive. We're here for the sheer hate of it all.

Now, get out there and make the Mutha Beautiful Thread PROUD!

SOD ORFF!

[ July 31, 2002, 08:17 PM: Message edited by: Doug Beman ]

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Originally posted by Doug Beman:

When you stumble in through the door.... (blah blah blah) ....challenge them to a do-or-die, knock-down-drag-out, test by CM.

Which is, of course, exactly WHY so many residents in here ARE knucledraggers, having inflicted several too many blows to the head on themselves when taking games way too seriously.

Very well Bug Demon....for the sake of ..well...nothing in particular......heaven knows there's nothing of value in here or your life....... put up or shut up - a scenario shall be in the mail forthwith.

And the only thing I can think about you and Marlon Brando is that the gene pool would be so much clearer if some of characters had gotten to your parents first.

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Geier that was truly pathetic, and I've been calling you pathetic for some time but you've never been truly pathetic until now. Oh sure you reached really pathetic but that mostly honorary.

Rules huh, well this is what comes of sending a BOY to do a MAN'S job I suppose, so here are a NEW and IMPROVED set of rules for the naysayers out there written in the style of my personal hero Herbert Kornfeld of the Accounts Receivable Department of Midstate Office Supply.

Tha CessPool Rulz

Whassup, G's. Yo, check this out: Ever since we be testifyin' about how we be tha Stone-Cold Hardcore Mack Daddies of tha Combat Mission BBS, all y'all wanna be part of the CessPool posse. Well you ain't gonna be part of the posse, you wastin' our time, you no-skeelz-havin' loosas. So you best step on off, before we beats down yo' sorry butt.

'Cause see if you wanna run with tha 'poolies, you gots to have skeelz, know what I'm sayin'? You gots to EXECUTE. Tha poolies, they be all these things, they 'bout it 'bout it, mah homey. Sheeooot, when we talkin' bout skeelz we don't mean no skeelz at CM, tha's punk. You got's to taunt, you got's to talk some smack on account o' that's all we cares 'bout. We plays CM sos we can do all that.

Y'all ever be comin' 'round the Mutha Beautiful Thread, wantin' to be down with P-Dog and tha CessPool posse, not only do you gots to be a playa, you can't be frontin' neither, pretendin' you gots basic tauntin' skeelz when you don't. Know what I'm sayin'? It ain't just about bein' a supastar and gettin' tha mad props and tha dope posts them be making. It be about skeelz. It be about HONOR.

We gotta give stoopid mad props to the CessPool posse. Ain't nobody can buy that kinda loyalty, 'specially not them no-game loosas ova on tha outaboard. All they gots to talk 'bout is some stoopid grog stuff 'bout armor and squads and running MGs, an' everybody knows they just be desperate loosas who'll do anythin to see they name on tha board. Fo-get that!

We be doin' what we always do, defendin' our turf, lookin' out foe our krew. One thing you learn when you tha Peng Challenge Thread, you gots to attend to yo bidness, 24/7. We BE tha Stone Cold Baadness, The Original Gangstas, The Mack Daddies, The Freaky Gangbangas. And we got somethin' to say to all y'all scum sucking newbies (SSNs) out there: Keep yo' stopid smilies and motherlovin' please and thank you outa our pool, or we'll mess your sorry butt up wit' a quickness. You gots to sound off like you gots a pair, know what I'm saying? And I don't want to see y'all comin' around, talking 'BOUT your pair, neither. You gots to keep yo head outta stuff like politics and ain't no WAY you gonna be puttin' some homey down fer his origin or religion or sex or none o' them things, or y'all best sleep wit' one eye open, sucka, 'cuz then you BE on our list.

If you gonna be here, you best be up for challenging somebody or you wastin' our time AGAIN and we be knowing you ain't no playa but you jist a sorry old SSN. And if you gonna be challenging, you best 'member that you ain't nothin' but a Scum Sucking Newbie and don't be challenging some Knight or something. You be findin' another SSN to challenge, sucka, or we be going Jet Li on your sorry butt. We gots our rights sucka, and we gots a right to know where you from and what your freaking email be too or ain't no way you gonna get a game wit us so you best be putting that stuff down in your profile or we be knowing you just some punk loosa who be slumming'.

We just trying to keep it real, know what we sayin'? We wanna stop the violence before it starts. We could say nothin' and wait in the shadows like some stoopid bad ninja, and when some punk SSN come along and start acting like he all bad at CM, we could jump out and knock the sucka's teeth freakin' out. 'Cause that would be our right. We gotta protect what's ours, right?

So if you gots a brain in yo head, sucka ... you best SOD OFF wit a quickness!

[ July 31, 2002, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

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Well, this has all the warmth and cozyness of a pair of gelato filled underpants.

Good work. We approve.

Well, actually we just read Joe's post.

...sigh...

Now Joe, we've all talked about how Ozzie Jeff should never, ever, under any circumstances, do any kind of impersonation. You remember that, don't you. Now, look at me when I'm talking to you. Don't give me that face!

Now, in all fairness, if Ozzie Jeff isn't allowed to do bad impersonations, don't you think it's only fair that you don't do them either? Hmmm?

Come on now, you know what I mean. A middle aged white guy from Utah doing rap? I don't think so. It's just not funny. It's really kind of sad when you think about it.

Now, be a good Justicar and apologize to all the nice people.

Now don't you feel better? I know I do.

[ July 31, 2002, 08:57 PM: Message edited by: Boo_Radley ]

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Well. Finally the great and good Trike deigns to bestir himself. Very well sir, I supposed I can fit one more game in among these:

Mathblasta: He's ordering his infantry to run into the low spots on the map. Which will help gravity avoid a little of the work of rolling their corpses into their graves. I shall find out just how hard OGSF worked to whup him.

Garydroll: Thank you eversokindly for allowing me the time to maneuver so that I can see every inch of the VL areas. It means my hearty troops won't have to move about so much while shooting you out of your holes.

Crag Hardly: Good to see you're enjoying the horde of gamey bastiche Wasps you've been handed.

Shane: {grumble grumble} missing 2 shots at 300m {kicks wall} TacAI turning StuGs ass-on. I wish CMBO and CMBB were interoperable, so I could have my worthless poncing scum transferred to the East Front so Ivan can have them.

Slur UhJustUs?: Well, now that you have a couple SP guns in action your quite the tactical genius, eh? I would, however, like to know what in the feck those 2 tanks on the centre road are doing, just sitting there.

Sobbdoll: He seems intent on creating a scenario so large that my old PC chokes and sputters to a halt. If, indeed, the old warmachine throws in the towel, I shall send him the bill for repairs.

DjB

[ July 31, 2002, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: Doug Beman ]

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Well. Finally the great and good Trike deigns to bestir himself. Very well sir, I supposed I can fit one more game in among these:
Oh Doug I AM sorry but without an email address and a location in the Trike's profile I fail to see how you'll be able to play him! Btw, are you a Serf, Squire or what, it's hard to keep track these days and I wouldn't want to bold without knowing.

Joe

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Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Well. Finally the great and good Trike deigns to bestir himself. Very well sir, I supposed I can fit one more game in among these:

Oh Doug I AM sorry but without an email address and a location in the Trike's profile I fail to see how you'll be able to play him! Btw, are you a Serf, Squire or what, it's hard to keep track these days and I wouldn't want to bold without knowing.

Joe</font>

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Originally posted by Doug Beman:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Well. Finally the great and good Trike deigns to bestir himself. Very well sir, I supposed I can fit one more game in among these:

Oh Doug I AM sorry but without an email address and a location in the Trike's profile I fail to see how you'll be able to play him! Btw, are you a Serf, Squire or what, it's hard to keep track these days and I wouldn't want to bold without knowing.

Joe</font>

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Originally posted by Boo_Radley:

Well, this has all the warmth and cozyness of a pair of gelato filled underpants.

Good work. We approve.

Well, actually we just read Joe's post.

...sigh...

Now Joe, we've all talked about how Ozzie Jeff should never, ever, under any circumstances, do any kind of impersonation. You remember that, don't you. Now, look at me when I'm talking to you. Don't give me that face!

Now, in all fairness, if Ozzie Jeff isn't allowed to do bad impersonations, don't you think it's only fair that you don't do them either? Hmmm?

Come on now, you know what I mean. A middle aged white guy from Utah doing rap? I don't think so. It's just not funny. It's really kind of sad when you think about it.

Now, be a good Justicar and apologize to all the nice people.

Now don't you feel better? I know I do.

{sigh} ... where DO we get the people these days? Do they NOTHING of popular culture? Would anyone care to enlighten Boo_

Radley and explain why a middle aged white guy from Utah is EXACTLY the type you want to impersonate Herbert J. Kornfeld?

Joe

[ July 31, 2002, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

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Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

Kneel Serf Doug Beman (spelt but not bolded) ... and rid my shoe of that odious mass that seems to have attached itself to the sole of my boot ... might want to wash your hands when you're done too.

Joe

Mace, will you PLEASE clean up after your animals? The dry-cleaning and carpet-steaming bills are going to bankrupt us and, tho we don't march to the beat of the Peng Challenge Thread for money, without money our Internet connections go bye-bye.

DjB

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Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

]Oh Doug I AM sorry

That's a good start to Josyph's abject apology for imitating a human being. Of course he completely fails to follow up with anything useful...to wit......er...well to half-wit at least:

but without an email address and a location in the Trike's profile I fail to see how you'll be able to play him!

So you're saying it will be easy then, since both bits of information are now and have been for some time my profile.

Oh - sorry, yes that would require you to be able to read to recognise them - well never mind. It's not as if you're important or interesting or anything.

The file is sent, as promised, of course....do I look as dishonourable as a kay-nig-hit drowning in a pool of cess??

There's lots of little pixilated men and tanks and guns and ships and mines and buildings and empty space and other cool stuff, so there should be a lot of die a lot now going on very shortly.

[ July 31, 2002, 09:15 PM: Message edited by: Mike ]

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Member Status: Member

Member Number: 364

Registered: November 18, 1999

Posts: 203

Location: Godzone, Nuu Zelund

Interests: Well duh! Playing wargames...oh, and sex, and eating..........yeah, drinking too

No ... no the location is new, I checked earlier. Furthermore he's one of those awful down under types ... just as I feared and JUST the reason for the rule I might add. Finally ... no email address. SSNs these days ... think they can get away with anything.

Joe

[ July 31, 2002, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

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Snippit of an email from Boo Radley, concerning "Crodaburg":

DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!

I did not tell that Jumbo to advance! I did not tell it to move anywhere.

Stupid, stupid, stupid Crapburg scenario.

Don't you just love getting turns like this?

This game is coming down to the last surviving units on both sides. Neither of us will finish with more than a dozen men left. Vehicles were a rare comodity a long time ago. Artillery has left the town standing, but just barely. The streets are so cratered, that the men must walk single file. Which isn't a problem, as most squads only consist of a single man. Now, if one was to contemplate using crews in a mad rush, things could get mighty interesting...

And Seanachai, send a fecking turn. I know you've played it. I'm not so fussy like some old foul Joes, if you get my drift.

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Gee Mite, that's really good, uh... oops! It seems your mild case of imbecility has struck again. Though you have added a general location (perhaps the most blasted lands on the face of the earth. Or wait, isn't that where Lord of the Rings was filmed?) but see, heh heh, you forgot YOUR STUPID FECKING E-MAIL ADDRESS!!!!

Now, HOW are we supposed to hook you up with all the spam we can find (need a home loan?) without YOUR STUPID FECKING EMAIL ADDRESS??

Git.

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Hey dorks - the address was in there - ain't no-one said that it had to be visible!!

Jeez - bloody wargaming lawyers should always look up their rules FIRST not LAST!!

OK - well there you all go - I am revealed in all my glory.

I bet you're all sorry now!

Please add me to your spam lists so I can return the favour. I have several hundred Korean addresses that would love to get to know you and your credit card!

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Geire, you've posted a really nice Peng Challenge here. Well, I mean it is sadly lacking in rules, and that initial post is a bit brief. Oh, and the title, well, what the HELL does Marlon Brando (spelt but not bolded - wha?) have to do with any of this?

Well, besides that, oh and the obvious inferiority it suffers next to the previous two threads (a marvelous pair, let me tell you) Yes besides all that... oh, and the pathetic slugs who happened to post so far. Yes, besides all that, a truly excellent thread. Kudos, my man.

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Doug Beman, Shut up, Shut up, Shut up!!!

You are like a toddler trying to emulate that uncle who demands that others pull his finger yet you fill your diaper and our monitors with fecal blatherings. You can't pretend to be one of us. You don't belong. Here is a dollar, go buy a clue. There was never, ever, in your sad existence, a moment when you were welcome here. Check your calendar for the day when you will leave. When is it? We hope it is soon.

You remind me of Panzerleader. When he was still in his prepuscence, he railed against the idea of a Peng thread and then he tucked his tail between his legs and started posting with us. Almost like he was one of us. We heaped scorn upon his unworthy head and he does serve a purpose as a foot stool. But you? You serve no purpose whatsoever. We know that you enjoy your pendantic posts in the General Forum and create inane topics that have no relevance to anything of importance. We see you scampering about and suckling at the teat of the Dorosh grog. But, you bore us.

So, to save me the trouble of burying my foot in your hindquarters, let me state, once and for all, that you should do the right thing and make yourself scarce.

The only thing that has truly saved you from my ire and that is that I see our sacred thread has been created by the Old Firm. I now know that everything is alright now and that balance has been acheived.

Doug you are a speck of dust compared to the Peng thread and should know your place. Begone!!

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Oh Glory Day! I am a foot-stool in Hiram's warped Toolean world. I'll have you know, that I never railed against the Mutha Beautiful, I simply noted how it was full of a bunch of Peng Bastids is all. That was back when you were still a (chortle) Phillies Phan. I think it was about the same time you had your "falling out" with Croda.

See, folks, Hiram wants us to feel all weepy and sad for him, like it was Croda who hurt him, when it was really the other way around. Hiram Sedai, you are a ragamuffin, a rapscallion, and a rake! You broke Croda's heart, sent him away (prolly to Coventry - the wretch), and changed your name to that gay Phan ****e, all in an effort to hurt Croda more.

We've seen the pictures! You and Croda palying ball, riding bikes together, driving off that cliff. And in every one of them you are smiiiilin' like a school boy, but our poor Croda, though he has a weak smile on his lips, the suffering in his eyes is deep.

I mean, look at youself, Hiram. You're a PHilanderer, a PHakir, a PHornicator, and a PHarce. You buy that weak bile you spew down at the five-n-dime.

PHace it, Hiram, you left Croda he didn't leave you. And I am sick and tired of your puling "poor me, left at the altar" attitude.

And another thing, Crodaburg?? We all know that was your and his secret hang-out! We can still see the sled marks where you played in the winter, and the swimmin' hole out by the tall pines.

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This is a damned DISGRACE!!

Cutting orf Her Bleeding Pants thread at the knees before even 289 posts had been achieved! What next? Peng threads that are tossed out after 13 posts? Or 9, or 5?

If I were you, Mouse That Roared I'd go sit in that stinking, black corner over yonder and ponder. Obviously some around here take you for granted.

Now, to more important matters:

Originally posted by Boo_Radley:

I don't have any excuses for losing so miserably to the Fantastic Forces of Floss in the utterly brilliant "Attack Laghouat<SUP>tm</SUP>" scenario designed by that CM wizard Sir Aussiejeff. So I'll just repost a lame copout from my last debacle against his unbeatable tactical genius

Gee, Boo-ballyhoo. Tanks! You sure do have a wonderful way with words. Just to show that there are no hard feelings, here is the hardcore evidence of Boo's recent ANGUISH...

11989583.jpg I can't for the life of me figure out why he didn't just charge straight into town ...... it was so lightly defended.

11989578.jpg And the winner by 30 furlongs is .....

If you like, Boo, I'll send you a copy of my latest best-seller over here in Oz. It's called "The Art Of Losing Disgracefully - An Expose Of The Worst Gamey Cesspool Opponents". You do happen to cop quite a few dis-honorable mentions! I guess there is still hope though. In your case, maybe not much.

Sir Flamin' AJ

PSST: Gorgeous DFDR pic supplied primarily to dis-affect a particularly cowardly common Garden Elf who dares not ever again challenge Sir AJ on the field of byte battle for fear of the inevitable time that he will be BEATEN TO A PULP. Of course, need it be said that the same goes for that Francophiliac Mr Spruiker? I didn't think so..

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Originally posted by Hiram Sedai:

You remind me of Panzerleader. When he was still in his <FONT COLOR = WHITE>prepuscence</FONT COLOR = WHITE>, he railed against the idea of a Peng thread and then he tucked his tail between his legs and started posting with us.

Shirley you mean "prepu<FONT COLOR = WHITE>tre<FONT COLOR = BLACK>scence?"

Curious......

Sir AJ

Keeping The Bastaarrrds Honest

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