The Laying of the King Before the Altar: The Peng Challenge Sinks Gracefully Backward

[Seanachai]

Alright, then. Time for the next installment of "Crowning the King of the Peng Challenge".

Observe a certain dignity. Post well. Don't be an f'ing daft idjit.

The Shirt and the Coat: Also the same day of the coronation where the prince shall be crowned in the royal hall. But first he shall be bathed and after the bath there shall be ordained a new shirt and a coat of silk opened to the breast and between the shoulders, also to the middle of the armes. Above the coat he hall be clothed with other noble vestments. And he shall wear hose without shoes?

Lovely, bloody lovely. When Berli set me on the path of

‘Crowning the Madman’ I never knew it would involve me asking someone to bathe Meeks, dress the worthless sod in disco togs open to the waist, and that the useless bastard would come prancing before me barefoot. Malakovski! Front and center! It’s time to…er…’bathe’ the new King. I’d ask R Leete to do it, but you can’t imagine the horrors awaiting the poor bugger regarding the ‘annointing’.

My advice is to use a garden hose and the longest handled scrub brush known to man.

How the hell do the English put up with this ****e?! I mean, seriously!

The Solemn Procession: Also there shall be a solemn procession ordained by the abbot and the convent [of monks] of Westminster in solemn [copis?] going from the Church of Westminster unto the King’s see. In the great hall in which the prince shall be sit abiding the procession. Archbishops and Prelates shall be in the procession. And then shall the prince descend and follow the procession to the church and he shall go upon new red clothe laid under his feet on the ground from the forsaid see to the pulpit in the forsaid church. There shall be song in the receiving of kings and of queens.

Okay, this lot’s a bit more straightforward. Only the Archbishop, of course, is a lunatic Outlaw living in the Greenwood and playing at rebellion. And we don’t have any Prelates, but we do have a few putative ‘Primates’. So, Boo, you’re up. Stroll about the grounds with ‘His Majesty’ to be, and occasionally make an ‘ook’ noise.

Okay, we need a song ‘in the receiving of kings and queens’.

How ‘bout:

Have you seen him on the corner

and his lip would reach the pavement

he's been hiding from his razor

is he not an awful sight

in love he was the purest

now he's frightenin' our tourists

if he'd gone and asked his father, oh I'm sure he'd set him right

Refrain: Sayin', take her in your arms

and tell her that you love her

take her in your arms

and hold that woman tight

won't you take her in your arms

and tell her that you love her

if you're goin' to love a woman

then be sure and do it right

Now he met her, at a disco

in a dive in San Francisco

and it all might have been different

had he seen her in daylight

she was painted, she was scented

but she drover yer man demented

if he'd gone and asked his father, I'm sure he'd set him right

Refrain

here's a pub with fun and laughter

the landlord buyin' betty

there's a session in the corner

and the crack is grand tonight

but yer man who lost his woman

he's still at home lamentin'

if he'd gone and asked his father, oh I'm sure he'd set him right

Refrain

Now depressions not a million laughs

but suicide's too dangerous

don't go leapin' out of buildings

in the middle of the night

it's not the fall, but landin'

that'll alter social standin'

so go first and ask your father, and I'm sure he'll set you right

Refrain

Here's a health to all true lovers

their sisters and their brothers

and their uncles and their grannies

for this thing is black and white

if you're keen to start romancin'

with its leaping and its dancing

then go first and ask your father, and I'm sure he'll set you right

The Crosse. Also the cross, the scepter and the king’s rod, which being things of royalty, shall be borne in the procession of the Abbot. The Prior and the eldest monks of Westminster they shall take these things to the great lords who will bear them before then prince from the palace to the church.

Hokay! No problems, then! Who wants to go Walkabout with Meeks’ rod, then? Anyone? Mind you, it’s a thing of royalty!

The Barons of the Cinque Ports: Also the Barons of the Cinque Ports shall bear the four spears painted with silver bells and overgilt with silver cloths, banners, of the same cloth worn upon the heads of the king and queen in the procession. And they too shall go from the king’s hall to the pulpit in Westminster.

Right, then. I’m probably one of the last stupid bastards alive outside of the innumerable bastards still living in England who knows what the ‘Cinque Ports’ are. Or rather, were.

For our purposes, We call upon the Officiates of the Peng Challenge Thread to proceed in a colour-coordinated way with spears down the avenue. Try not to jab each other in a way that will cause too much disruption of the Ceremony.

I call now upon Bauhaus, the Official Saint of the Peng Challenge; JD Morse, Official Lawyer of the Peng Challenge; Simon Fox, Official Grog of the Peng Challenge; Slapdragon, Official Counter-Grog of the Peng Challenge; Goanna, Eldest Australian; Lawyer, who’s Official Title is Gone Quite Out of Mind:

Form up ranks, and accompany our King on this, his Coronation Journey!

The Abbot of Westminster: The Abbot of Westminster or one of his monks in his stead shall always be ready by the king’s side and by the queens’ to inform them and to tell them what is to come.

Okay, Leete, fella! You’re the only sodding Abbot we currently have, so form up by ‘His Majesty’s" side, and walk along, telling the daft bastard what new horror he will encounter next.

The Archbishops shall ask the Will of the People: When the prince has rested himself in his chair or other throne ordained in the aforesaid pulpit, the Archbishop of Canterbury at the four costs of the pulpit, with a high voice, shall inquire the will of the people touching on the king’s coronation. While this is done he king shall stand in his throne, facing the corners to which the Archbishop speaks. After the question, an anthem will be sung: Ffirmenteur manus tua.

Shaw! Where the hell is Shaw?! I don’t care if he is a Rebel Lord gone into the Greenwood in defiance of ‘King Meeks’, he’s also the only Archbishop we have!

Alright, then, you bastards, everyone sing the new anthem–er, "I’ve Been a Wild Rover".

The Offering of the King: When the anthem has been sung and ended the king shall come down from the pulpit unto the high altar between the bishops who shall lead him. On this altar he shall offer a cloth of gold fulfilling the precept that says "look that ye appear neither void nor empty in the presence and sight of the lord God. "

Roight, then! Apparently our Own King Meeks must now appear to be constipated. Let’s all wish him luck!

The Laying of the King Before the Altar: When the king has offered he shall lay down flat on the pavement before the altar upon cushions and cloths of silk and gold, thus arrayed until the Archbishop or some other who shall crown him has said the orison over him. Deus fidelium. Then shall be made a sermon to the people.

So here we are. Now we need the Archbishop, or whoever shall crown him to say the orison over him.

So what’s next? Where’s the goddamn Archbishop?!

[Michael Dorosh]

Seanachai, what does a G-D Yooper like you know about a Monarchy??

[dalem]

Wow, Seanachai, you really have the "hit the buttons on the keyboard many, many, many times" thing down pat, don'tcha?

[Michael Dorosh]

Originally posted by dalem:

Wow, Seanachai, you really have the "hit the buttons on the keyboard many, many, many times" thing down pat, don'tcha?

Yeah, somebody tell him JasonC is back if we want that sorta thing.

[Noba]

Any body see the Grue?

There's an organ grinder with a monkey..(looks a lot like Boo ), he's got a plate and is taking up a collection in the knave...

I've organised the stenographers. They are getting down... sorry; getting everything down, err; recorded.

Noba.

[Mace]

Is Grog Dorosh on guest list?

Can Grue stomp?

Grue

[ January 26, 2003, 02:01 AM: Message edited by: Mace ]

[AUSSIEJEFF]

Originally posted by Mace:

Is Grog Dorosh on guest list?

Can Grue stomp?

Grue

Gee. You are just so ...... GRUEsome sometimes, MR GRUE.

Say, do you have a GRUEcut on your scone?

And I bet your fave-o-rite meal is GRUEl?

Oh, go on! Tell me it's just not GRUE!!

>{haw, haw, haw .... snicker....}

Sir Aussiejeff

Flamin' House Of Berli

[AUSSIEJEFF]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

..{SNIP fiddle-de-poop...}The Laying of the King Before the Altar {SNIP - fiddle-de-de..}

I shall avert mine eyes as the <STRIKE>King</STRIKE> Emperor with NO CLOTHES gets laid in front of the altar by you sycopants.

Let me know when the sordid deed is done and the limp body dragged away so I can lay my wreath at the spot.

Sir Aussiejeff

Moral Crusader of The 'Pool

[ January 26, 2003, 04:21 AM: Message edited by: AussieJeff ]

[AUSSIEJEFF]

Originally posted by Noba:

Any body see the Grue?

There's an organ grinder with a monkey..(looks a lot like Boo ), he's got a plate and is taking up a collection in the knave...

I've organised the stenographers. They are getting down... sorry; getting everything down, err; recorded.

Noba.

Yes, but are they getting it all down PAT?

AJ

[PITH] {Post Impressive Title Here}

[Stalin's Organ]

There's gonna be a sacrifice??

Goody - will we get to see that the King has a heart - prefereably still beating as it is torn from his bloody and butchered chest??

[Stalin's Organ]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

[QB] The Laying of the King Before the Altar

Oh how disappointing - it's just another porn movie!

[CMplayer]

Originally posted by Leutnant Hortlund:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by CMplayer:

But more amused would I be to see you tied up in a burlap sack and flung from a flatbed onto the freeway.

Annelie, (My ex-girlfriend) is that you? </font>

[Noba]

Originally posted by CMplayer:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Leutnant Hortlund:

</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by CMplayer:

But more amused would I be to see you tied up in a burlap sack and flung from a flatbed onto the freeway.

Annelie, (My ex-girlfriend) is that you? </font>

[Croda]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Alright, then. Time for the next installment of "Crowning the King of the Peng Challenge".

Observe a certain dignity. Post well. Don't be an f'ing daft idjit.

<snip>

So what’s next? Where’s the goddamn Archbishop?!

Whoever said that Acid went out of style?

[Abbott]

fiddle-de-poop...

Words of wisdom there I tell you!

[Leeo]

I think His Grace, Archbishop of Cabbages, OGSF, is still celebrating his Anniversary. Somethings just can't be interrupted.

<small>{Edited because, well, YOU try typing with cabbage leaves.}</small>

[ January 26, 2003, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: Leeo ]

[Joe Shaw]

Seanachai, still in the grip of the delusion that someone, anyone, actually cares, spake thusly: The Archbishops shall ask the Will of the People: ... {snipped ... mind you I DO like the rules and so forth, perhaps Seanachai is coming around at last} ...

I HAVE asked the will of the people Seanachai and over and over it's been made abdundantly clear that they don't WANT a freaking King ... and in any case they dont' want Meeks (nb).

Look lad, you're a likely sort and while a bit prone to the wind that is long (if you get my drift) you're not at all stupid like some Olde Ones whose name I won't mention but which begins with a big B.

The goal, the purpose of bringing Meeks (nb) from the outerboard to be King was, we can presume, to put the fire in the belly of the CessPool, to improve the quality of the posts and, most importantly, to prove that Berli can do whatever stupid, wilful thing he wants and no one will care.

Hasn't happened ... may never happen, it's a failed experiment lad.

Shaw! Where the hell is Shaw?! I don’t care if he is a Rebel Lord gone into the Greenwood in defiance of ‘King Meeks’, he’s also the only Archbishop we have!

I've not accepted the post of Archbishop and you can't really make an archbishop out of the whole cloth can you. There's the ritual of purification by trial of virgin for example, in which the evil spirits of the flesh are flogged from the body by a series of winsome wenches bearing floss whips and wearing hardly anything to speak of. And that's just ONE of the rituals.

Alright, then, you bastards, everyone sing the new anthem–er, "I’ve Been a Wild Rover".

As to your anthems may I suggest just ONE word used in the example you show ... REFRAIN!

The Offering of the King: ...{snipped} ...

NOW we're talking, glad to see you've come to your senses. Now ... just how should we go about Offing him then?

Roight, then! Apparently our Own King Meeks must now appear to be constipated. Let’s all wish him luck!

He's made US all constipated, why should he be different?

The Laying of the King Before the Altar: ... {snipped} ...

Yes, yes, yes, after we've Offed him by all means let's place the bleeding, knife rent corpse before the altar. Then we can go back to the CessPool as it was meant to be.

The Outlaw Justicar Strikes Again!

Justicar, Justicar, Flying to Des Moines,

Justicar, Justicar, Earning daily coin.

Leaving on Monday, Home again Tuesday,*

Justicar, Justicar, Justicar.

I STAND FOR THE CESSPOOL

Joe

* My travel agent wrote this one, sorry.

[ January 26, 2003, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: Joe Shaw ]

[Guest PondScum]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

<font size=-1>I call now upon Goanna</font>

Last heard of in Siberia last November. Frankly I'm not expecting him to thaw out until mud-season in May.

[Panzer Leader]

With this thread (and specifically that wretched title, taken straight out of my buttocks it seems) the cesspool had reached a new arcane level of hideosity.

Yech.

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

Hokay! No problems, then! Who wants to go Walkabout with Meeks? rod, then? Anyone? Mind you, it?s a thing of royalty!

A job for Bauhaus if I ever saw one

[Hortlund]

Originally posted by CMplayer:

Yes, Hortlund gubben, It's me. And believe me I'm soooo glad to be free of you and that infernal strap-on you always made me wear.

Oh yeah? Well I faked every last one "honey"...It wasnt easy, but I did it.

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Joe Shaw:

most importantly, to prove that Berli can do whatever stupid, wilful thing he wants and no one will care.

You were going well until that last bit... I've never been worried about whether or not anyone cares

[Berlichtingen]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

So here we are. Now we need the Archbishop, or whoever shall crown him to say the orison over him.

So what?s next? Where?s the goddamn Archbishop?!

OGSF is the Archbishop (try to keep up with current events Seanachai). Nice thing about him, is even if he objects, no one will understand a word he says... 'cept Emma, and she's on our side

[rleete]

Originally posted by Seanachai:

I call now upon...Lawyer, who’s Official Title is Gone Quite Out of Mind...

His official title is Consigliori of the Cesspool. Having another "senior moment", eh? It's no wonder so many of the old crew have gone missing; probably can't even remember how to logon.

further blathered by Seanachai:

Okay, Leete, fella! You’re the only sodding Abbot we currently have, so form up by "His Majesty’s" side, and walk along, telling the daft bastard what new horror he will encounter next.

What's this? Do I get hazardous pay for such duty? I might catch a wayward arrow. Not to mention that his stench would linger for weeks afterwards. On the other hand, a well timed distraction could lead to a fatal mistep. Hmmm...

[Croda]

Meeks? A King? And of the Cesspool nonetheless?

We've got enough problems with a Justagrog.

What this town needs is an Emperor, and I hereby nominate and second myself.

I appreciate you all attending my coronation and would have it known that all those opposing me shall be exiled to that Elba-esque island known as the CMBO forum.

Meeks...what a tosser.