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Peng in Paradise


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Originally posted by Mark IV:

The setup to Geier has been met with silence, probably shock and terror-inspired.

Yeah yeah. I'll have you know that the Firms old kampfwagen (ausf 360 Mk V) ran over some mines during a tactical retreat yesterday and so I've slept in a ditch without access to my icebox.

Rest assured that your particular demise will be dealt with in a matter of hours.

(edited because I didn't feel like being nice to anyone)

------------------

Johan

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy"

Tom Waits

[This message has been edited by Geier (edited 02-22-2001).]

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Guest Germanboy

Since I can not be bothered enough to reformat the tripe that was posted by the tweep named below, please find my comments in bold within the quote of his initial outburst (no pun intended).

Originally posted by Treeburst155:

Some truths about Pengers:

A Penger is someone who can't beat Fionn Kelly in CM because they let him boondoggle them into an unfair game. They allow this because they don't understand the game.

Indeed, except for that the only thing unfair is that Fionn is better than I am, because he has read the 1936 Soviet Field regulations (which I have not done), and understood them (which I would not, even if I read them). Gamey, I say.

A Penger will only play CM with fellow Pengers because they don't want to instantly hit alt-u which would be unavoidable when playing the general CM public.

Who? The Penger, the fellow Penger, or the general CM public - see, one of the side-benefits of a semi-decent education is that you are usually able to construct something resembling a coherent sentence that is understood by your audience. Something that may benefit you. I heard adult evening schools are subsidised, maybe you want to look into that.

A Penger spends more time posting than playing because he can write much better than he can play.

Hit the nail on the head - yet it is tautological in the extreme.

A Penger tends to suffer from excess intelligence, over-education, and complete frustration because these things are not enough to enable him to beat the rest of us in CM.

While I would agree with the first half of the sentence, I take umbrage at the second. How would you know that I am upset at being unable to beat anybody, even if this was the case?

A Penger's greatest fear is that a bargain beer drinkin', high school dropout, blue collar, red neck, good ole boy like me might beat him if given the chance.

Hmm, I would rewrite that as: A Penger's greatest fear is that a bargain beer drinkin', high school dropout, blue collar, red neck, good ole boy like me might want to exchange emails with him.

I offer as proof of the above the fact that no Penger will email me to initiate negotiation of terms for a CM battle. They will flame, make fun, or ignore this post; but they will not play.

That does not really amount to proof, now does it? I could think of other explanations, e.g. that you are a pompous twit revelling in the fact that he is the neglected offspring of trailer trash, trying to make up for his overwhelming feeling of insecurity and his subconscious knowledge that he is in effect much dumber than the rock he just kicked by defining himself through playing CMBO. But that may just be slightly benevolent as an interpretation.

I suspect a strong case of childhood neglect and recommend counselling and alerting social services. The individual named Treeburst should also be restricted to small-scale purchases of fertiliser and Diesel.

------------------

Andreas

Der Kessel

Home of „Die Sturmgruppe“; Scenario Design Group for Combat Mission.

[This message has been edited by Germanboy (edited 02-22-2001).]

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oooOOOgah, oooOOOgah, oooOOOgah, ATTENTION, ATTENTION the CessPool:

There Gov'nor, got their attention I did for you sir. Well done lad, well done, now go play with ... well, just go play.

Now for my GAME UPDATES:

Mace for once, has told the truth and my lads are in dire straights, no error. Still, I'll fight it out till the last and, perhaps, make him pay. He has, however, neglected to mention that his Stugs are just about the last EFFECTIVE units he has left ... it's been a bit of a bloodbath.

Hakko Ichiu has embarked on a quest for the Golden Flail Tank or something. Too bad, our Snit in the Snow was turning my way despite some recent successes for his lads.

Peter N Zer continues to complain about the speed of my advance, but we have at last made contact and now the beatings shall commence in earnest. He has, I regret to inform the pool, resorted to the use of minefields in his defense {tsk tsk} but such GAMEY tactics will avail him not for I shall prevail because GOD is on ... well no, best not claim that I guess.

Goanna is, I suppose, still somewhere out there but I haven't seen a turn in a camel's age.

jd has taken to berating me for not having won the scenario already. He does not, it appears, realize that true ARTISTRY takes time. Oh sure, any old GermanBoy can toss out a victory in record time, but where's the flair in that? Our game will end ... when it ends, though the result will be the same as I claim the rightful victory ... or claim that I have have been cheated, it's all one to me.

Joe

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I heartily admit you are a swine, Joe. But you are OUR swine. (Goanna)

[This message has been edited by Joe Shaw (edited 02-22-2001).]

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Originally posted by Mace:

I already did! I'm now about to instruct you to pay attention to my previous posts!

*AHEM*

Pay attention to my previous posts

Sheesh!!!

Mace

Now if YOU would get your head out of that sheep's... oh, never mind.

As I scrolled the thread, I must have missed the profound, er, profoundly lacking text you wrote.

Um... Er...

I am thunderstruck. What a strange feeling (SIT DOWN BAUHAUS! It's not THAT kind of feeling...). A realization... an epiphany.

Mace, there is nothing lower than you.

You who carries an umbrella to keep the ants from pissing on him.

You, who cannot wait for the intestines of the animal to be made into a prophylactic. No, you must make use of them while they are still warm...

You, who the life forms in the Early Archaean period gaze upon with their proto-sentience and feel pity...

There is no insult that I can hurl at you to demean you further. You truly are a pitiful being. But I have no pity. Not for you, nor anyone else.

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To the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee...

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Originally posted by CardboardAFV:

PawBroon has managed to trade AFVs in the Nacht und Nebel with me, his first aggressive act since the resumption of this frog-roast.

Are you one of those nutcase revisionists?

First there is the one who believes Fionn Kelly actually existed and here you are, dubbing a Panther/GreyHound exchange a trade off!!

I can understand you are in such a stunned state of bewilderement that you would want to grasp any straw in that particular PBEM we're engaged in, but come on!!

Since you're a marketing man and thus a slayer of the Truth I am partaking in your pain...

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You are not Obsessive-CMpulsive, you are Allied-Retentive.

Mark IV

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Originally posted by OGSF:

Bastarrrds.

Iskanderpandapants thanks he's beat mah cos Ah surrendered tae has shattered survivors. We'll see wha' tha AAR has tae say aboot tha'.

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFeuhrerBastardABCD

I was going to spare you the shame of dragging your not-so good name though the Cess on how one so illustrious as you could lose to a gate crasher like me... but since you brought it up...

I'll post a real AAR with all those groggy numbers I don't get on that white screen later. For now, let's just review:

I had to attack uphill, towards trees and buildings, in a light fog, towards your massive defensive position. For this Herculean task I selected some Boy Scouts as infantry and some Paki NY taxi drivers for my armor. As you might expect, the tanks were dead in the first minnit... with blue caps and yellow scarves scattered over the field like Mace's Full-of-Spunk! sheep around the Outback shortly thereafter. What pitiful remains there were crawled up the last of the hill to the church to surrender and pray for release from this cruel, heartless world... only to be met by a kraut with an Inverness accent waving a white flag.

Man, that was weird.

I hope jd caves in like that, too!

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"I send you a kaffis of mustard seed, that you may taste and acknowledge the bitterness of my victory."

"Legal advice is very often divorced from reality in my humble opinion" - BTS

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Originally posted by Treeburst155:

Some truths about Pengers: they all hate me and won't play

Rule number one... taunts to the group in general will be met with scorn.

Rule number two... taunts made by slack ass poster boys such as yourself will be met with scorn.

Toddle off now

[This message has been edited by Berlichtingen (edited 02-22-2001).]

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Originally posted by Aragorn:

I shall mount my steed and be gone from this dreadful place!

Well, Fairygone, enough about your sex life! Call us when you actually grow the cajones to properly challenge The Poolâ„¢.

Until then, mount your steed bull-legged.

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Originally posted by Geier:

[sNIP]...especially if they think we actually care about our win/loss ratio or...[sNIP]

I care...

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When nuclear weapons are frozen then only freezers will have nuclear weapons.

[This message has been edited by jshandorf (edited 02-22-2001).]

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It looks like Germangirl and I may finish our current game via TCP/IP today at 7pm GMT (2pm EST). In about 45 minutes to an hour I will be making my beer run to put on an afternoon load to level the playing field for him....This beer run can be watched at:

http://www.onlinevenue.com/onlinestore/stellacam/stellacam_index.asp

The bar I will be going to is O'neal's in Philadelphia, Pa. From this site you can witness the purchase through streaming video, chat to me and even buy me a beer through the web site. I will post again as I leave to go there so none of you will miss the event. It promises to be a gala affair.....I may even do a shot.

------------------

"When they finally put you in the ground..I'll stand on your grave and tramp the dirt down" Elvis Costello

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Originally posted by PawBroon:

here you are, dubbing a Panther/GreyHound exchange a trade off!!

Dear Pb, while I am very late for work, having complete the piddling details of Elvis' demise, I need to clarify something.

At the risk of violating FOW and the honor of all that I hold sacred, most of which is currently aging in great oaken casks, may I point out that only the hysterical myopia of the deeply frightened could interpret that Thing as a Panther. You Idiot.

Bone germ and have a nice day.

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Originally posted by Elvis:

It looks like Germangirl and I may finish our current game via TCP/IP today at 7pm GMT (2pm EST). In about 45 minutes to an hour I will be making my beer run to put on an afternoon load to level the playing field for him....This beer run can be watched at:

http://www.onlinevenue.com/onlinestore/stellacam/stellacam_index.asp

The bar I will be going to is O'neal's in Philadelphia, Pa. From this site you can witness the purchase through streaming video, chat to me and even buy me a beer through the web site. I will post again as I leave to go there so none of you will miss the event. It promises to be a gala affair.....I may even do a shot.

Could someone call ahead with an anonymous tip on a possible armed robbery? We have Elivis's picture to use to give a rough description of the "Perp". It could be like an episode of Cops except with someone we know.

Jeff

------------------

When nuclear weapons are frozen then only freezers will have nuclear weapons.

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A busy week for me here in Washington as my deal with the Russians for $1.6 million in walking around money came unraveled. Things looked grim for a while until I successfully shifted the blame to some poor schmuck at the FBI named Robert Hanssen. Now he's busy taking the fall while I get back to CM stuff. He'll be slingin' hash in Lewisburg for a long time while bunking with one of Iksander's missing link relatives from Bum****, KY. Justice prevails once again.

My belated response to that doofus Michael Dorass question "Why is there a Peng thread?

Well, Michael, using the questionable questioning method of that all-original Greek-lovin' wild guy Socrates (whose answer avoidance scam was worthy of a shrink or a lawyer), I respond as follows:

Why are there mosquitos, and why do they always know where you are?

Why are cockroaches the most successful species on earth?

Why are there hemorrhoids, and why do they never go away?

Why is Regis Philbin popular?

Why does Britney Spears assault my aural senses instead of performing a satisfying sensual duet with Mr. Happy at my house?

Why is that arrogant moron Chrisl permitted access to the internet?

Why does jd's hair look like it was transplanted from his pubic area?

Why is Croda's dirty talk babbling so titillating to pool members?

For that matter, why is Joe Shaw so funny when he doesn't use dirty words?

Why hasn't Meeks been banned from the CM forum and the human race?

Why do the Chinese kill innocent rhinos for sex potions instead of grinding up the enormous tusks displayed by Mace?

Why is Peng such a Pod when there is no money in it?

Why, oh why, oh why, dear nitwit Dorash? The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind... or maybe it's blowing in the porcelain convenience down the hall. Go stick your head in and have a look, okay?

Now, a brief update:

Ghrisl is methodically blowing up a lovely German city because he has not the skill to match my tactics in real fighting. Unfortunately, those buildings held a convent of nuns and some priests with their private stock of boy scouts. Tsk Tsk. It's all a trap to demonstrate that rocket science is not based upon common sense or winning. Lawyer holds the flags in this one.

Icky Sandmanstarted our game by demonstrating his concept of massed armor -- he put about six tanks in one foxhole so I would know where to shoot them. Now he is sacrificing the rest of his poor hillbillies one unit at a time. Put your money on Lawyer by sending it to me for safekeeping.

BTW, we are accurately modelling the effects of booze in WWII decision-making as we go along in this match. Icky sucks down Bud Lite's while sending me descriptions of more exotic drinks that he reads about in Cosmopolitan magazine. All lies, of course. The Lawyer proudly imbibes 3 Monts ale from Flanders, and plots turns accordingly.

KiwiPNZ doesn't say much, but then there's not much to say when his gamey defense is simply to run an HT around the map until it gets shot dead or runs out of gas. To be honest, I think he moved all his units off the map in a preemptive strike to avoid humiliation from losing to the Lawyer.

Babra seems non-plussed about wearing the monicker of an aging diva. Right now, he's proud of gunning down a busload of unarmed visiting firemen who thought his Nazi's were selling lemonade at the roadside stand outside of town. Of course, my main attack and the victory flags are on the other side of town, where he thinks a Tiger Target Tank will carry the day against my land armada of AFV's. Ain't gonna happen.

Well, back to screwing the public. Hugh Rodham tells me there's still some money to be made off the Clinton pardons.

Why don't you all bend over and examine yourselves for rectal "tension" after a big bowl of chili?

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Men were shot down for the sake of fun,

Or just to hear the noise of their .44 guns...

-- Marshall Tucker Band

[This message has been edited by Lawyer (edited 02-22-2001).]

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[setting: Space. A generic spaceship model floats over back-projected footage of gyrating, swimsuit-clad coeds cavorting on a beach. It still has the "MTV Spring Break" logo in the corner.]

[Cut to: Bridge of spaceship. The CAPTAIN GUY is wearing an Aloha shirt over his uniform and watching the "Spring Break" footage, while ENSIGN NYE (THE SCIENCE GUY) mixes Mai-Tais.]

CG: I like the new Cesspool sector. More babes in bikinis, and less Kraftwerk and men in leather pants. What's our current situation? And don't put so much orgeat in this batch.

EN(TSG): Aye, sir. Major Tom's attack hasn't progressed any further and stevetherat is still a horrible, smelly, pus-faced git who uses gamey panzershreck recon and has not yet begun to die.

CG: Is Croda still a brainless prat?

EN(TSG): I believe so, sir.

CG: What about the recent lookie-lous?

EN(TSG): We're virtual paragons of mediocrity by comparison, Captain.

CG: Excellent. And don't say 'paragon'-- it sounds too much like 'Aragorn.' Any reply to our challenge to Seanachai?

EN(TSG): Uh, that was two threads ago, sir.

CG: Right, then. Load a new batch of guantlets into the Pseudo-Science Torpedo Flinger and prepare to throw down.

[The CAPTAIN GUY and ENSIGN NYE (THE SCIENCE GUY) push buttons and look serious, while a voiceover of the CAPTAIN GUY plays.]

CG: Seanachai, you unrepentent pederast and inveterate cat-fancier, I challenge you. You're a stale biscuithead drenched in a gravy of cess, and the chicken-fried steak you come with is definitely off. In fact, I would walk out of any waffle house that served your gustatory equivalent--without even paying for my coffee. Your entry in the Zagat Guide would read something like:

While the 'oppressively cramped' and 'tastelessly decorated' interior features 'unappetizing odors,' the 'slow, incompetent service' and 'inedible fare' make it the best part of the experience.

I understand you've finally managed to get the string and tin can connected to your computer, so send me a setup.

[Fade to black]

Agua Perdido

[Edited to appease uncaring network weenies with script approval.]

[Edited again to further profane the name of Juan Valdez.]

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Feel the pain of outlaw cinema!

[This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 02-22-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Agua Perdido (edited 02-22-2001).]

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Originally posted by Agua Perdido:

Crap more useless than normal crap.

You get 1 point for persistance

You lose 1000 points for being utterly annoying.

You lose another 1000 points for never finding your fricking Agua.

You get 2 points for referencing me in your post.

You lose 1000 points for it being a derogatory reference.

Go play SteveTheRat on Crodaburg, and then people may stop to wonder why you're here.

------------------

Woot! - Maximus2k

The New CessPool

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Originally posted by Lawyer:

Lookee lookee, I'm topical! You know what they say about topical comedy, don't you?

My first two questions make it sound like Socrates was some insect obsessed gay man.

This is followed by lamenting the torn skin around my anus as well as the fact that a bald midget and a prepubescent girl with big boobies are both having a better time in life than I ever will, probably related to the torn skin around my anus.

Now I talk about a bunch of second-stringers, except maybe jd, who I'm jealous of because he's a real lawyer and I just play one in the Pool.

Why hasn't Meeks been banned from the CM forum and the human race?

Now I talk about Mace's tusk. I think I've forgotten about my anal ruptures and don't realize that this would cause further inflammation.

And finally, I quote some idiotic Jewish hippie and his song about weather.

In answer to the only pertinent question, you jello-spouting whore, I have not and can not be banned from the forum because I am as a god here. Steve, Charles, Madmatt and Kwazy all have little altars for me in their houses and occasionally ask that I influence events in their favor, such as dice rolls, women's responses and the occasional marshmallow mix in their Lucky Charms (Madmatt sure loves his purple horseshoes). I cannot be banned from the human race because, unfortuneately, my vote counts for, roughly 5.5 billion votes from normal people, like you. As we all know, the Chinese would never vote against me because they love me, so I cannot be voted off the island, you Survivor fanatic.

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Fionn has his rule of 76, I have mine. Mine is much simpler, I get to buy whatever I want ... you get 76 points.

-Joe Shaw

[Edited to capitalize Survivor which, though a craptacular show, is a proper noun]

[This message has been edited by Elijah Meeks (edited 02-22-2001).]

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[setting: Space. A generic spaceship model floats over back-projected footage of

gyrating, swimsuit-clad coeds cavorting on a beach. It still has the "MTV Spring Break"

logo in the corner.]

Now see ... THAT'S what we're talking about. A challenge with some style, some panache, some spirit. A challenge that has some (granted not much, but still SOME) wit about it. A SPECIFIC challenge to a CessPooler, his choice of Senility shows a deplorable lack of taste ... so he should fit right in. Well said AP, Senility give this lad a game.

Joe

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I heartily admit you are a swine, Joe. But you are OUR swine. (Goanna)

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OK, I'm heading out the door in about 5 minutes so I should be there in 6. I'll be wearing a bright green sweater and expect to be sitting infront of the monitor on the bar (assuming the fat bastard sitting there now moves by the time I egt there. I've decided to have a beer while I'm there on the off chance that any of you slackers wants to buy me one (to purchase Elvis a beer on line is $7 US for a beer and chat and $2 US just to chat). Like you Mr Lawyermoneybags. Take one for the team and buy me a damn beer for Christsake.

The link once again is:

http://www.onlinevenue.com/onlinestore/stellacam/stellacam_index.asp

------------------

"When they finally put you in the ground..I'll stand on your grave and tramp the dirt down" Elvis Costello

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As at just mae, or do Elvis ha' a strikin' resemblance tae Mr Bean? Ah thank tha wee lassies next tae ham an the bar fancied him a bit. Every tam he turned has back on thaim, tha blonde began tae fondle her ain breasts, an' tha brunette were lickin' her lips. Did ye nae notice any o' tha', Elvis?

SirMacOberGruppenBloodyStompinSicFuehrerBastardABCD

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First of all I am 5' 11" and 168...most people tell me I have to put on weight.

Next the they were pigs...I wouldn't have touched one of them with your peepee let alone mine.

And most importantly, I would like to thank Peter. The man bought me two beers in addition to the one I started with. Germangirl may have a shot at besting me today. But the window of opportunity will only be open for a short time.

Again, Peter thank you very much...that was very kind of you.

------------------

"When they finally put you in the ground..I'll stand on your grave and tramp the dirt down" Elvis Costello

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Originally posted by Mark IV:

Good work lads, in getting rid of that twinkie before I had to get involved.

Old Petey holsters his .38, gives Aragroan's lifeless body a kick, and wanders back to his chair in the corner of at Doc. Croda's for a little nap.

On to more important matters - Game updates:

Croda - In our gargantuan River of Death battle, Croda's boys are dropping like flies before my armored onslaught. The map has a river down the middle, with a double bridge in the center, and a single one on the right and left. We each assaulted one of the bridges on the ends, the only difference is that his assault has turned into a killing field for his brave but mislead gum-smackers, while mine has been a masterstroke that would do Rommel proud.

jd - The gamiest gamey bastard to ever gamely play CM, is running into a little trouble in his attack (although I suspect he sent me an assault QB rather than an attack QB given the entire panzer division that is poised to crush the 3 boy scouts and 2 horse carts that I have as defender). He has lost all three of his Pumas and a 75 mm HT before they have even crossed the line of departure. I'm still a little pissed that he stuck me with Canucks rather than my beloved Yanks (with their wonderful Garands rather than those piece of crap Enfields) on a heavily wooded map. Did I mention that he is a gamey bastard.

Steve the Rat Faced Boy - Says I am losing, but I haven't even seen the movie for the first turn.

Wildman - I am attacking with no cover to speak of in the face of AT pillboxes. I am winning anyway.

dalem - The second gamiest bastard to ever play the game (see jd above) and by far the luckiest, is poised to pull a draw out of what should have been a humiliating defeat. His tanks come traipsing into ambush kill zones, my gunners decide that hitting the target is not in their job description, and pay the ultimate price for their incompetence.

Peter of dying computer fame has not been able to properly update our file to 1.12.

Goanna is helping me playtest a scenario, otherwise I would be beating the crap out of him.

Shandy Duncan is having a little trouble finding my guys. I see that he has take all Hetzers as the armor support for his attack. This suits me fine as they carry only 3 rounds of HE apiece, and I have not purchaced any tanks.

I was beating Hiram handily until he disappeared from the face of the earth.

Nijis and I have begun "Knight of the Engineers."

Speedy the third gamiest bastard that ever lived (see jd and dalem above) is beating the crap out of me. A rare occurrence I might note, as most of you have the IQ of a kumquat.

If I am forgetting anyone, its only because you are irrelevant.

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