Peng Challenge Thread - From Barbarous to Boring

[jd]

Lorak The Bard o' the Northland and I have achieved absolute equanimity in reaching our 4th or is it 5th DRAW *gack* A perfect game 50-50. Absolute stability, absolute ineptness. Scribe it thus

jd - draw

Seanachai - draw.

As for ElvenFooted, what he failed to mention is that he only managed a MINOR as in small, miniscule, barely worth anything but if we have to give it to him, I suppose type of victory. The hell with the numbers, statistics lie, CM summed it up a minor vioctory against a woefully unprepared and wrongfully suited OOB. If I had any sort of decent terrain the hedgehogs would be picking their teeth with his bones. Hell a minor (as in small) victory is NO victory at all!!!

[Stixx]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CMplayer:

the scenario ain't a million

turns long, yadda yadda yadda...

--Rett<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Isn't it?!? Damn!!! I was just going to wait for youe guys to die of old age.

Oh well looks like i better dust off the old Mauser.

[CMplayer]

Berli has generously provided a scenario

for my moniker challenge match against Lars.

It only involves advancing through about

3 km of bocage. Shld be a cinch.

I turned on landmarks and do find it a

_bit_ humiliating to find the lake in

the middle called the lagoon...I mean

it's not like I've lost yet! Also some

of the custom names...a miserable conscript

piat team is called Cpl.Gilligan. Also

there were some jokes in poor taste (about

2" tubes) in the briefing. I would like

to inform the designer that with mortars,

2" refers to the DIAMETER. Otherwise looks

like nice design work...way to go Berli!

On another front, Stixx's panthers are

dropping like flys, and my lads are already

singing 'It's a Long Way to Tipperary'

anticipating at least three days back

after repulsing this German attack.

Snacho Panza is MIA and presumed comatose

at this point. It's too bad...I really wanted

to see who's squire was the gamier boob,

Shaw's or Seanach ...

(sp. ?)

Finally, in the unlikely event that anyone

is still reading, I find myself undergoing

a bizare shift in perception after following

this thread for a while. I'm more and more

impatient with the discussions out on the

main boards. Reading stuff like 'how should

I best use my Archer?' and crud like that

I just want to shout 'point it at the

godd*** enemy and SHOOT fer cripessake!'

'But how should I position it on defence?'

they ask. 'If you don't want the other guy

to see it, HIDE IT BEHIND SOMETHING!' I

mean can it be sooooo complicated? Nuff

said, I'm done reporting for now, to your

mild relief I imagine.

--Rett

[ 08-19-2001: Message edited by: CMplayer ]

[MrPeng]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CMplayer:

Finally, in the unlikely event that anyone

is still reading, I find myself undergoing

a bizare shift in perception after following

this thread for a while. I'm more and more

impatient with the discussions out on the

main boards. Reading stuff like 'how should

I best use my Archer?' and crud like that

I just want to shout 'point it at the

godd*** enemy and SHOOT fer cripessake!'

'But how should I position it on defence?'

they ask. 'If you don't want the other guy

to see it, HIDE IT BEHIND SOMETHING!' I

mean can it be sooooo complicated? Nuff

said, I'm done reporting for now, to your

mild relief I imagine.

--Rett

[ 08-19-2001: Message edited by: CMplayer ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

There may be hope for this one. Doubtful, but a slim chance he will become a real pooler. Now if he showed the slightest bit of wit, charm, flair, horse-sense, verve, vim, vigor or something resembing a backbone or even a modicum of piss or vinegar - well who am I trying to kid, he is worthless and weak and should be ignored like the rest of the ssns

I can't believe I already wasted this much effort on him.

Feh!

Peng

[MrPeng]

PShaw?

How is everything in the valley these days? Have you managed to capture the bridge yet? Or are you all bottled up down there getting picked off like lice from a chimp's head?

Berli said you hated me and I was just wondering if it was the scenario I "designed" for the two of you to play that had you annoyed with me. I really really hope so you horrid person.

Peng

[Joe Shaw]

I'm becoming frightened, very frightened in fact. I found myself agreeing with Peng virtually word for word on the recent post by SimPlayer and his fitness for the 'pool ... I may have to seek professional help. Speaking of Peng: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>PShaw?

How is everything in the valley these days? Have you managed to capture the bridge yet? Or are you all bottled up down there getting picked off like lice from a chimp's head? Berli said you hated me and I was just wondering if it was the scenario I "designed" for the two of you to play that had you annoyed with me. I really really hope so you horrid person.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Before I get to the issue at hand may I politely inquire as to the status of OUR match? I did MY part some weeks ago and was even so kind as to advise you as to the correct procedure for continuing but, alas, I see no game ... Wanker!

Now ... No Peng I do not hate you, nor am I annoyed with you ... neither word comes even close to describing the depth of my disgust with you. The "map" you created, in and of itself, is as vile a bit of creation as I've seen barring, of course, your own self.

But that wasn't good enough was it, no you had to toss in the elements of a boresighted IG and a trapped convoy, then you brought in PANTHERS! The other tanks are ID'ed as Tigers but you know how that is. This is the gamiest and most poorly designed scenario it's ever been my ill fortune to play, and I'm playing a couple by Berli.

Oh I'll likely lose this one, but then no one's been victorious in Jabo! as the Germans either. Mind you I'm not suggesting that the scenario is rigged ... oh no ... I'd NEVER do that.

If you ever DO get around to actually starting our game ... there are scores to be settled.

Joe

[Mark IV]

As you can see, the boringly-named one is a devotee of my omnidestructivist school of tactics, the motto and entire credo of which is "Kill Them All".

On the other hand, we have one of those typewriter-formatting dolts who still thinks he must hit the Return key at the end of each line of type, for fear that his sentences will begin protruding out the vents on the side of his monitor.

Since no one unable to grasp the notion of "text wrap" could possibly comprehend the subtle complexities of omnidestructivism, I can only conclude that he is an idiot. He was probably attracted by the patina of glory associated with this radical and innovative tactical style.

Next he'll be saying that infantry can be coaxed to use their panzerfausts, that horses add nothing to the front line experience, and that paratroops who jump into active battlefields have a life expectancy of 0 seconds (i.e., that of horses). Since it appears he won't simply go away, we'll be watching this one.

[dalem]

to all my PBEM opponents:

Once again, the DSL provider I chose is in its death throes (aren't they all?). My email service will be iffy until I repoint everything, so bear with me. If something bounces, resend, and if you wait for a while for a turn back, abuse your squires and wait a little longer.

That is all.

[CMplayer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mark IV:

Since no one unable to grasp the notion of

"text wrap" could possibly comprehend the

subtle complexities of omnidestructivism, I

can only conclude that he is an

idiot.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Who the feck are you, oh brilliantly

named one? I don't know why I bother

explaining this to someone from Fresno,

but here goes. Listen up!

FYI:

Omnidestructivism is a synthesis of the

finest tactical traditions of German

Blitzkrieg and Yankee Juggernaut warmaking.

Basically, you start with all those deep

thoughts in the books like, 'fix enemy in

place', 'bring force to bear on critical

vectors', 'sow confusion', 'assault

Schwerpunkt', etc etc, and reduce them to

their overriding principle:

War 101: Shoot EVERYTHING YOU GOT at him

ALL AT ONCE, and he WILL die (a lot)

FYI(2):

'Text Wrap' otoh, is a modern convenience

for slugs who can't be bothered to move

their pinky 6mm to hit the return key. We

who need to keep our pinkys in good

trim (to get maximum performance out of

bolt-action rifles, for example, or other

purposes...never mind the other

purposes) ANYWAY! we shun text wrap like

the plague. We shun it like any decent

mother's son would shun most of the creeps

in this thread.

HOpe this helps

--Rett

[ 08-19-2001: Message edited by: CMplayer ]

[MrSpkr]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CMplayer:

FYI(2):

'Text Wrap' otoh, is a modern convenience

for slugs who can't be bothered to move

their pinky 6mm to hit the return key. We

who need to keep our pinkys in good

trim (to get maximum performance out of

bolt-action rifles, for example, or other

purposes...never mind the other

purposes) ANYWAY! we shun text wrap like

the plague. We shun it like any decent

mother's son would shun most of the creeps

in this thread.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

In other words, "I am CMPlayer (haven't we got a new name for this feeb yet?) I am too bloody dim to figure out how this text wrap thingie works. Its strange ways confuse and frighten me."

On to other news:

In a gallant display reminiscent of the charge of the Light Brigade or Pickett's Charge, my glorious Veteran Fallschirmjagers were reduced to tiny bits by the evil and conniving, unchivalrous fop, Aitken. However, I did manage to save a portion fo my force, so we will return to fight another day.

Lorak, scribe thusly:

Evil, slimy, crass forces of Aitken: Major Victory

Gallant and courageous forces of MrSpkr: Glorious Defeat that will be sung about for generations to come.

[BFCElvis]

Mr. jdmorse is obviously trying to deflect the fact that he lost 57-35. There were 6 VLs (3 large, 3 small) of which I controlled all but one large one. Yes he may have purchased incorrectly (I have no idea) but so did I. I purchased 4 tanks in a game so heavily covered by woods that they couldn't move anywhere and were basically useless. And another thing...He could not have had better terrain to defend.

jdmorse is a coward and scoundrel....there I said it..and I won't take it back.

[Mark IV]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CMplayer:

Who the feck are you, oh brilliantly

named one? I don't know why I bother

explaining this to someone from Fresno... Omnidestructivism is a synthesis of the

finest tactical traditions of German

Blitzkrieg and Yankee Juggernaut warmaking... War 101: Shoot EVERYTHING YOU GOT at him ALL AT ONCE, and he WILL die (a lot)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

(Edited to correct formatting errors caused by doltish typewriter formatting)

Hmm, possibly an idiot savant.

Were it not a Peng Thread flash-in-the-pan, it would know that I am not from Fresno, only held here against my will, and soon to be gone from it forever. No matter where I go, the sight of Fresno growing smaller in my rear-view mirror will remain one of my fondest memories. It would also know that I have been here almost since the very Elders themselves, that I have seen mountains form and fall to dust again, and seen suns burn themselves to ash, and seen fish take their first hesitant steps ashore, and that his entire Peng Thread existence has been but a highly dissatisfactory eyeblink, to me.

The imperfect but dim grasp of omnidestructivist doctrine (what part of ALL does it find incomprehensible?), leavened by an inability to understand the helping editorial hand proffered it, indicates a dull sort of animal cunning beneath the restraining straps and muzzle. Let's poke it with sticks and see what it does.

[David Aitken]

British/Commonwealth Infantry weapons...poor?

I present for the benefit of the outerboards (as if they'd care to come in, or we'd care to let them), evidence from my recently concluded scrap with MrSpnky.

MrSpnky's Fallschirmjäger, gamily using CM's FOW to disguise themselves as regular infantry, jog across open ground with the wind blowing through their hair, and Vickers .303in rounds and 3in mortar bombs blowing through everything else.

MrSpnky's veteran übermensch decorate the ground as they are enveloped by my regular rifle troops.

MrSpnky's secrets revealed! Pictured is half the force he managed to save, by virtue of being exactly 2.731 inches from the map edge. Here his last surviving field gun is saved by a gaggle of Panzerschrecks(!).

[MrSpkr]

David. David, David-

It wasn't your rifles that won the day. It was the fact you stole American troops to help you out.

I mean, it is rather obvious that whoever was shooting those 'one shot, one killed German field gun' mortars HAD to be a direct descendant of Davy Crockett.

Please. Your infantry weapons ARE poor -- as in real life, had you not gotten help from the Americans, you would have lost.

[MrSpkr]

HAH! I *knew* I could find the proof.

Observe the photograph below, taken by a Fallschirmjager trooper who managed to escape his Allied captors just after dark:

Although the quality of the Leica photograph is poor, this soldier is unmistakably one of Davy Crockett's descendants!

In other words, David Aitken, gamey bastiche that he is, MIXED FORCES after we had agreed not too, and even more damning, surreptitiously pulled in AMERICAN troops to save his gamey English arse!

Oh, how low he stoops to ensure a victory. I bet he'll even DENY that he did this!

Well, David, a picture is worth a thousand words -- and this pictures has 'David is a gamey rat bastiche!' written all over it.

I hope you are proud of yourself.

[edited to point out one more time how GAMEY Aitken is]

[ 08-19-2001: Message edited by: MrSpkr ]

[Juardis]

EGADS!!!! I cannot believe what has happened. I'm watching the movie Friday a.m. from my battle with Triumvir when my computer, so disgusted at having to play this lurking vermin, spewed out it's video cord, wrapped it around it's cpu, and killed itself. That's right, my computer decided enough was enough and powered off during the middle of the movie phase. Triumvir, you are the epitome of gamey when even my computer decides to commit suicide while playing you. I cannot now, nor ever in the future (or until I fix it which might not ever be never), turn my puter on.

I demand recompense (which one of you louts is a lawyer?). 100 USD for a 300W power supply this Sunday afternoon plus another 50 USD for Black Sabbath's greatest hits, and Crosby Still's Nash and Youngs greatest hits. Yes, I'm throwing the cost of the CDs in there because, well, if I didn't have to go to Best Buy to buy the power supply I wouldn't have had to buy the CDs. You'll get your return movie if and when I receive payment in full (and even thrice again over) or I install the power supply (assuming it even IS the power supply), whichever occurs first. In the highly likely event that my computer just refuses to get assaulted by your gamey brits, then I must demand your immediate and unconditional surrender!

As for this other thing, this serf thing. I'd like to thank boohouse for giving me the motivation to continue. Without his support (private emails and such), my dream one day becoming a big and fearsome KNIGHT might have ended on the 3rd page of the last thread. My half-cocunut bag is full brave sir Robi...er...boohouse.

[CMplayer]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mark IV:

No matter where I go, the sight of Fresno growing smaller in my rear-view mirror will remain one of my fondest memories.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Fresno, while physically sprawling, has a

shrink-to-fit kind of mentality. You won't

leave there the same man you once were.

The signs are already all too obvious.

Sorry to be the one to break it to you...

[ 08-19-2001: Message edited by: CMplayer ]

[Buzzsaw]

MrSpkr

Feed me another squire!

It is not so much that Lars is disagreeable (although he is – greasy and in need of seasoning, much like the roast opossum served in Waxahachie’s finer restaurants), but rather that he is taking a long time to digest. Perhaps there is another toady that you can send my way?

It certainly doesn’t need to be a squire, but you must remember that SSNs and serfs require the proper leadership. If you place two of us side-by-side, it may be necessary to prod us with pointy sticks before we begin fighting. Left to our own devices, we tend to do a lot of standing around and drooling.

And remember, whoever does come my way will just be an appetizer. I won’t be sated until I have roasted you on a spit, and made your liver into a fine pâté.

[ 08-19-2001: Message edited by: Buzzsaw ]

[Stalin's Organ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Buzzsaw:

[QBbut you must remember that SSNs and serfs require the proper leadership. If you place two of us side-by-side, it may be necessary to prod us with pointy sticks before we begin fighting. Left to our own devices, we tend to do a lot of standing around and drooling.

[/QB]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

It's true - left to himself bumble bee does just stand around and drool.

So how about sending me a turn you drolling idiot - either that or get back to your village before someone else there aspires to yor job........

[Panzer Leader]

<big>I'm back and ready to KICK A$$!!!!!</big>

[Iskander]

From the depths of ennui, psychosis and incipient alcoholism brought on by an addition to the house, I present. . .

Gamey Updates!

As reported by the Lord formerly known as jd... that's not quite right, but nevermind: in a last minnit rush of men towards tall rigid objects not seen since the last time Bob Dole rode the 'Viagra' float at Boston's Queer Nation Parade, my ex-leige managed to win at the expense of looking like a gamey ****e-bag. You'd think that this was a GAME or sumfink and not the increadiblydetailedhistoricalsimulation that it is.... And speaking of bum rushes,

the Sassanach git, St. Rat (that's Steve the Rat to you bunghole-came-latelies) and I have finally, finally concluded a struggle that began, I not you kid (?) back in February (or so). Between RealLife poop and Mich bitching for "more time togther" it was lucky that we ever finished this frigging thing. In true Cesspuglian Tradition, everyone rushed every flag every time at once. Well, that's how it seemed though the bottom of my highball glass. It's over. I've held jobs for less time than that game.

And taking forever to do anything leads me to the Celt Brothers: Seanachai and OGSF (the crypto-Aussie). In the former, I have amazed the Bard of the Nord with just what one can do with more HT's than any stick could thereby be shook at them therefore. Regardless of what Rune's orders were for this scenario, I've seized the vinyards and consider the matter at an end... who needs those stupid bridges when the cellars are open for bidness?

Now for the latter - the marblegargling Scot, that is - we are way retro with All of Sumfink and he is showing me, in detail, how the Brits can take 75 turns and waste 30 of them sneaking up on a leaf. Pierson's Puppeteer? No, just a Scotsman in command, I'm afraid....

NoIstillhaventreadhisplays Marlow and I are setting up in the middle of the night. In the rain. To me, the map looks like it should have a HUGE sign that says "insert male generative organ here." I shall proceed with caution, until I'm drunk, then screw it.

I see that Pshaw's jaw is still flapping to no avail. "Rett" BUTTler a.k.a. Notorious S.W.E.D.E. prattles on, sucking just enough less for the PENGulator to scrape him off his foot. Still don't know what that Suckxx and a few others of this tripe set is all about, but we'll see.

Note of Solace: in a game with an Outerboarder (yes, I was slumming), I - and we all - received the complement: "My God! Are you drunk, or do all you Peng guys play like this?!" There is no end...

[Stixx]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Panzer Leader:

<big>I'm back and ready to KICK A$$!!!!!</big><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Well good luck. A$ (Australian Dollars) are quiet lite and i reckon you couldn't kick em any further than you could kick any Aussie CMer.

[Berlichtingen]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrPeng:

PShaw?

Berli said you hated me and I was just wondering if it was the scenario I "designed" for the two of you to play that had you annoyed with me. I really really hope so you horrid person.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Ignore him... He's just pissing and moaning about getting his ass kicked in a scenario that was obviously rigged in the Allied favor. To date, he has had a horde of armor trashed by a 7.5cm infantry gun... lost all his armor to crappy Mk IVs (and we all know what a useless sod he is). Basically he is showing all the tactical competance of... well... you

[Joe Shaw]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Ignore him... He's just pissing and moaning about getting his ass kicked in a scenario that was obviously rigged in the Allied favor.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Nonsense and fiddledeepoop, I don't have to listen to any more of your LIES ... {Joe holds hands over ears and starts humming loudly}

Joe

[Panzer Leader]

Look I don't have time for all the twaddle that normally spews forth around here. I gotta get my FIX! So, could Dame Achin' and Pushkin's Prostate please send me some turnes? They got lost in the meltdown.

I have turns from my venerable benefactor, from some SSN from 1979 or thereabouts, from My little Buddy and Dalem. Is there anyone else I need to be slapping aboot the head and shoulders?

Hey JD since your stupid file buggered my system, howsabouts another, maybe something actually PLAYABLE? There were so many units on that last one I realized someone actually managed to make CM a CORPS sized game. Sheesh.

As for the rest of you GITS, count and number all the words in the first post and act out what the highest counted word reads. Hmm its a tie between SOD and OFF.