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The Peng Challenge Thread The Chunder in Red Thunder!


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Of course, as my mother always told me, "there are no stupid countries, son; only stupid people."

She always told you that, eh? You mean she woke you in the morning with those words? And spoke them instead of saying grace before meals? And repeated them as she tucked you into bed at night? Plus several times a day whenever her gaze fell upon you? Maybe she was trying to give you a message. A very personal message. One that apparently went right over your little head.

Michael

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I've taken on a lot of estrogen and developed a fine set of donkey boobs. Look, see how they sway?

I am now eligible to be Emrys very own, personal Harpy.

*Quack*

I SWEAR TO FECKING CHRIST, IF I EVER HAVE THIS MUCH TROUBLE LOGGING IN AND POSTING AGAIN, I WILL BURY A HANDAXE INTO SOMEONE'S GODDAMN HEAD!

That being said, I wish all to remember that Emrys is not only a Senior Knight of the Peng Challenge Thread, but is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypso.

As such, he does not need to look at, comment on, or contemplate any donkey's hormone therapy results.

Yeknod. It is good to see that you are still alive. Emrys, I have missed you. To my credit, I have spent much of the time drunk, and/or working.

Boo Radley, step forward and remind me who is worthy enough for me to address.

Christ on a crutch. Who do i have to smite with a handaxe to get a goddamn drink around here?

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Seanachai graduated to "Mythical Beast" some while ago now, Alice. Maybe our resident 'crep can give us a date for his transmutation? Michael? I miss the songs. And poemry.

Did that f*cking little c*nt just call me 'mythical'?! Come gie us a hug, you little wanker, and I'll show you who's fecking 'mythical'.

Call me 'mythical'?! I won't hear that from you, Custard.

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Boo Radley, step forward and remind me who is worthy enough for me to address.

You're kidding, right? You get all likkered up and before you can say "Boo's your uncle" you're hanging off of clueless Japanese tourists, crying like the gate guard at the Wizard's Palace in the Emerald City, telling them about your dear old Aunt Em.

Get a couple of Cuba Libres into you and you suddenly become everybody's best friend, inviting yourself over, declaring their drinks cabinet as your personal fiefdom.

The thing is, you may be a tramp, but you're OUR tramp.

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You're kidding, right? You get all likkered up and before you can say "Boo's your uncle" you're hanging off of clueless Japanese tourists, crying like the gate guard at the Wizard's Palace in the Emerald City, telling them about your dear old Aunt Em.

Get a couple of Cuba Libres into you and you suddenly become everybody's best friend, inviting yourself over, declaring their drinks cabinet as your personal fiefdom.

The thing is, you may be a tramp, but you're OUR tramp.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got 'Father Issues', sure. And I understand your resentment, given that I 'abandoned' you to the ministrations of Joe Shaw and that raised up a whole host of ghosts that brought you 'round to abusing me.

But you know what, Oh, Boo? I am NOT a tramp. I'm an Old One of the Peng Challenge Thread, and I left a number of you apparently useless wankers in charge of the Kingdom I'd created, and now I've come back, to see what you've made of it.

Good lord. Is that a rusted child's tricycle lying in a pile of stale dog-****?!

Oh. Well done. Stout fellows, backbone of England, give every Finn a pinecone, etc, etc. etc.

You and Joe Shaw were left a Stewardship. And what have you made of it?

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Sigh...

I'm going to need a list of the Real Knights, who are still posting, and I'm going to need a list of the 'Not Completely Useless Fecking Wankers' that are currently posting, and I'm going to need a list of those who are simply Useless Fecking ****es, who post whether anyone wants them to or not. You know the drill.

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You want to know who's posting here??? Take a look around. There's about a half dozen or so who still wander in to bay at the moon on occasion. And the operative word is "occasion". This thing slips onto page 3 and beyond on a regular basis. And then, like some cataclysmically drunk guy at a party who's been comatose for the last hour and a half, a couple of random synapses fire and the thing lurches up, spews some nonsense around the room, giggles, hiccoughs and then sinks back into oblivion.

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Things change, and yet remain the same.

There was, upon a time, a great and worthy place. It existed between the 'Everyday', and the 'What a Strange Place'. People posted there. Some, by choice, were given over to strangeness, and some simply wondered.

If you have been here, you know where you are. If you think you know where you are, then you actually know nothing.

THE PENG CHALLENGE THREAD WOULD HAVE BEEN CANCELLED BY FOX TV AFTER 3OO POSTS.

But that's not where you are, is it? I'm pretty sure there are no 'new' posters here. Probably not for a long time. Why would there be? Nothing to draw them in.

Except this. We are one of the longest running Threads anywhere.

Here, you will encounter it all. Mythology, magic, abuse, mockery. Song and poetry. Hatred of the Norwegians, Swedes and Finns! C'mon, fer chrissake! EVERYONE hates the Squareheads!

And yet, here...you will come to grips with all your hatreds. And you will, one by one, put them aside. Because, here, as you learn to understand the Peng Challenge, you will learn to understand those you've always despised.

For some of you, that will be your father (quite a lot of you bastards, I'm willing to bet), and for some of you, your mother. Some of you will despise some, or all of your siblings.

But here in the Peng Challenge Thread, we're going to take you, by the process of SERIOUSLY DESPISING A NEW BROTHERHOOD OF USELESS FECKS, to an acceptance of the people who've, hopefully, loved you all your lives. And then you can embrace them.

So, don't worry about that Bad Christmas with your parents, when your brother came out as gay, or the year your sister admitted she'd been working as a prostitute for the last three years, or when your father admitted he'd been screwing your 18 year old cousin for the last 2 years.

Because, if you qualify as a Knight of the Peng Challenge Thread, you can rest assured of one thing. We hate you. And we'll never go back on the promise of that.

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Yeknod - does that mean you got wings too? Oh joy, the possibilities! Donkey ploppers from on high, burying the Emrys in moist creaminess! Pics, or it didn't happen.

Seanachai, good to see you back you old bastard. And by good, I mean really, really mediocre.

I watched a crocodile show today - a couple of louts tempting fate for the entertainment of the masses. I whiled away the time dreaming that the plucked pullet offered as bait was Emrys at his motherlovin' best. Sensible croc must have tuned in to my thoughts - wouldn't touch it.

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Yeknod - does that mean ...

It means that

*slap*

when I prance

*slap*

across the Paddock

*slap* *slap*

one can hear

*slap*

the rhythmic slap

*slap* *slap*

of donkey boob on donkey boob

*slap*

but when one trots or canters all hell breaks loose and me donkey boobs jiggle and bounce all over in unpredicted ways that can be quite alarming.

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I see the Australians are still here. Good. That means the place hasn't completely gone into the ****ter.

Well you got something right, without us the place is Cactus.

But I don't know how you think Emrys (Spelt, not Bolded) is anything other than a complete waste of time, bandwidth and oxygen. How the heck can you think he is a Seniour Knight?

HE DOESN'T PLAY AGAINST ANYONE.

HE PLAYS WITH HIMSELF!!

Therefore he never got made Squire or anyfink worth while...

Sigh. It must be hard dragging yourself from the Drunk Tank and even remembering who you really are, let alone making up all the fiction.

Noba.

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