speedbump2
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Posts posted by speedbump2
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I blame you all for not providing more UPDATES!!
After Noba gamily killed one of my lead tanks on the only bridge in the scenario (bottling up my entire assault force), I nobly allowed him the satisfaction of an ignoble win (after all, he gamily killed one of my tanks on the only bridge in the scenario). Now Noba is preparing to ignobly lose in a new scenario where there appears to be two bridges!!
Boo Radley gamily offered a game in which my goal is to move a regiments worth of artillery, trucks, half tracks, jeeps and universal carriers in a retreat using a single zig zag road. He is ignobly sitting back and laughing as I have to set multi point pathways for a hundred vehicles every turn (because the damn things either don't move because of all of the confusion or they wander in random paths around perceived obstacles). I think he has killed a couple of trucks in 30 turns and I have scared a couple of his troopers. His maniacal laughter is getting on my nerves....
Nidan1 finally laid his weapons down and admitted defeat to the noble hordes from the East. After slogging through mud and forests, I was successful in overcoming the gamey use of mobile anti-aircraft guns in the anti-personnel role. After leaving half of my force immobilized in the mud, we finally overcame the resistance by throwing our mess kits at his scattered troops. Now I prepare to defend a military town against a similarly gamey force....
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Your hate is weak.
Boo, seanachai and I are coming to sleep on your porch in a few weeks.
Deal with it.
{Full body shiver and mild nausea...}
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Hey Speedbumpkin!
How's that whole big artillery barrage in the middle of your open-topped Sextons working out for you?
Am I raining on your parade of hopelessness?
Well, Boo-Boo. I know you are cavorting over there, over the moon on finally shooting those big, bad guns towards the enemy instead of towards your own tents. However, I must point out that to be successful, you must actually hit something. Instead, you are doing a wonderful job aerating that field for the farmers. But to be fair, you did hit a jeep that had a broken oil line. Congrats!!
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Shouldn't there be some kind of penance required of speedhump for loosing his handle? Did he already make amends? If only we had something like a Justicar to help us understand the proper procedures for these cases....
If memory serves, they retired my handle with honor. Now it hangs in the rafters with all of the other championship banners.
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I have vague memories of respecting your game play and your posting style. Even for a shavian. Especially for a shavian.
Sad, what age does to one's memory. In some ways it is clear as day (my posting style), yet other memories fade or become distorted (my game play). There is a reason my nom de guerre is speedbump, as in slow down the opponent as much as....
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speedbump, did not we tangle a few years ago in some sort of CMAK-based tournament?
Sir dalem, we tangled head to head, in a tournament. You may remember me by my original handle: speedbump.
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Of course you will. And do you want to know why, Speedbumpkin?
Yabba-dabba-muchado_about_nuffink: As was previously stated, you hacked the initial game to put your forces on the same side of the map as my forces.
Numero Deux: You also hacked the game to give me a non-existant AT gun which may be labeled as an AT gun, but which will not disembark from the HT and another AT gun which only has LOS to your units when it is limbered, not to mention Shermans who, no matter how many times might hit your armor, it's like throwing spit balls at something with the relative density of Joe Shaw's head, while your tanks are able to one-shot my tanks 9 out of 10 times, and
Mitzy Gaynor: Even a blind pig* can find a truffle once in awhile.
*Apologies to blind pigs world-wide.
E pluribus unum: We prefer to think of it as your troops were placed on MY side of the map. We simply chose to adapt and overcome…
Operendus secundus: This would be the AT gun that one-shotteted my noble Stug? Or the AT gun that appears in my LOS, only to disappear immediately prior to the orders phase? And please be careful, you are bordering on starting a grognardian conversation on optics and relative armor angles. This is a no-no in the Pool.
The Tertiary Period: You are correct sir, dalem loves Minnesota truffles….
Do these jeans make my Postremus look fat?: Joes Shaw is the Knight Champion of the M.B.T., Justicar for Life of the Peng Challenge Thread, Creator of the Peng Challenge Thread Podcast, CessPool Drain Commissioner and Founder of the Shavian House
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Clearly, CessPool members are not posting as they are waiting with bated breath for UPDATES!!!
Noba continues to preen. Unjustly proud of the use of 16" artillery, from battleships no doubt. Meanwhile, I am stuck in the Conscript loop. Turn 1 = Enemy fires a pistol, Turn 2 = Conscripts panic, run away, Turn 3 = Conscripts recover, push them back forward, Turn 4 = Conscripts return randomly to enemy's LOS, Turn 5 = Rinse and Repeat. We will still win.
Nidan1 continues to fall back, pressed by my ravening hordes of the Motherland. He too used the gamey tactic of using accurate artillery. And it appears he hacked the source code to immobilize over half of my armored units in mud. We will still win.
My neighbor, Boo Radley, continues to wander aimlessly across the river trying to achieve LOS on my master PanzerTruppen. The combination of low slung Stugs and bocage has him frothing at the mouth. He was unable to use the same hacks as Nidan1 and Noba. He simply dropped his arty on empty roads. We will still win.
speedbump
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This thread needs more UPDATES:
Noba is attempting to storm a small village in France defended by my press-ganged Russian conscripts. His hearty Americans have succeeded in fording the stream fronting the village, but appear to have forgotten ammunition, as Noba is complaining he is out. His Forward Observer appears to have forgotten his glasses, as well, as he is doing a nice job tearing up the terrain off map to my rear.
Boo Radley has already commented on my tactical genius as my Panthers rule the battlefield. As far as they are concerned, his Shermans are made of paper and have the hitting power of a fly swatter. I sit comfortably ensconced on both river crossings, giggling at his last hope to sneak infantry across two unmarked fords. Little does he know that I have a committee waiting for him...oh, and even when I screw up, he loses. My artillery dropped a perfect strike in the wrong field, but still scored a basket when I dropped a shell squarely in the back of a half track.
Nidan1 is putting up a stiffer battle. He is defending three villages against my asiatic hordes. He has defended the gaps in the heavy forest well, but after slogging through the mud and trees, my faithful pixeltruppen are about to seize the victory objectives...or run away. I hate Russian infantry....
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Update! UpDAte! uPDAte!
Speedbump actually did something correct for a change, by moving his assets up to the fight quickly, instead of dawdling as he is wont to do. By doing so, he actually has been able to knock out some of my Shermies and rattle my men who thought they had plenty of time to set up.
And apparently he's been able to hack into the game to the point where he's been one-shotting my armor while his Panthers and StuGs are impervious to my guns.
"some of my Shermies" = all that have shown their face....
{Speedbump Drops the microphone and exits stage left} -
I have been lax my friends, not to be confused with Ex Lax though the results of that are much the same as one sees here.
My young friend and protege, sburke has been toiling valiantly in the vineyards that are the Cesspool and I ... well, I have not. But he has upheld the honor and glory that is the Shavian House and is to be commended for that.
As a result, and in my capacity as Beloved Justicar for Life of the Peng Challenge Thread, I hereby announce to one and all that the Squire sburke is now and shall be known as Sir sburke.
He is and shall always now be, a full fledged Knight of the CessPool and a fully accredited and promoted Knight of the Shavian House.
Arise Sir sburke and serve your House well.
Sir Joe Shaw, JFLPCT.
Congratulations, Sir sburke (or should it be Sir Sburke?)! Welcome to full kanigetthood!! Now who will clean the filth from my boots.....
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Update Time:
It's time to expose the complete and utter nincompoop-ness of those members of the Shavian House.
Not only do they smell, they can't play the Great Game at any level of competence. Incompetence and
no doubt, incontinence is their modus operandi. An example....
You would think when faced with hordes of rampaging Churchill's that to retire gracefully would be the
better part of valour. The only graceful part of Speedbump's Stug manoeuvres was the turning
360 degrees in place. Twice. This no doubt was ordered by the said Speedbump to prove that the denizens
of the Shavian house like to show their rear to all and sundry. This piece of decadence is then topped
off by moving past a gap in the walls separating our two forces, a gap cunningly prepared by my cleverly
placed Engineers who had blasted said gap with uncanny accuracy. Praaang One dead StuG.
Nice work, sunshine.
In other news, my poor Para's are not winning their battle vs Nidan1's stealth - cloaked Germans.
Noba.
Dear Ms. Schmidt,
It is with great sorrow that I must report the death of your son, Hans. My sorrow comes from the fact that had he not died in battle, I would have enjoyed slowly roasting him over a hot fire, after breaking all of the small bones in his body and testing the point of my bayonet in his soft, squishy parts. Why, you may ask? It seems Hans (may he forever wander as a shade through the Six Point Brewery, never able to taste the nectar of the gods) could not understand the simple command to "Reverse". He seemed to think it was appropriate to turn his Stug (a turretless vehicle) backend to the enemy. Not once, but twice. As a result of his actions, he and the rest of his crew were killed by an infantry support tank, infantry support!?!?! His personal affects, including his collection of kindergarten literature will follow.
Leutnant Bader
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Abandoned by Seanachai and Berli
Is anyone here really surprised? No, didn't think so...
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Yes but I have a nifty new cap!
Oh my...just when I thought he was getting close...
Eeeh, totally unnoticed. Sure. Right
Piffle. That's right...piffle.
"Impenetrable Panthers"? Those must not be the ones you holed early in the game with your nasty AT guns.
And CM must have thought the tracks on StuGs were over-modeled because I've had TWO of them go lame after going through wooden fences.
Wooden fences.
You know what you call a lame StuG? A target.
A target for what? Harsh words? About all I have left...
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Just as a confirmation, I had a Soviet 57MM AT gun do the same thing. So it appears this is the method for all units of this class.
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I step away for a week or so and you miscreants attempt to run away and hide. Who are you, former neighbors of my youth? Well I have plenty of experience in tracking you down and forcing my presence upon you....
Now, Panzermike, while I appreciate and encourage your abuse of sburke (after all, he is a squire), I strongly take umbrage with your attempted disparagement of Sir Joe Shaw JFLPCT Knight Champion of the M.B.T., Justicar for Life of the Peng Challenge Thread, Creator of the Peng Challenge Thread Podcast, CessPool Drain Commissioner and Founder of the Shavian House. First, as a member of the house I must point out that your attempts at denigration are pitiful, and as such fall beneath our notice. sburke is still learning this critical lesson, hence a squire. Secondly, ppffffffffttttt...and meh.
Now speaking of Olde Ones. As scary as this may sound, could it be a coincidence that Emrys disappears and Seanachi drags himself up out of the drug and alcohol induced haze that is his life? The world wonders...
Finally...UPDATES!!
Noba is attempting to attack my village with Canadian armor. I say attempting because it appears that he cannot find his way out of bocage hedged fields. His tanks wander aimlessly, finding their way into fields only to drive in circles looking for the exit. My greatest joy is sitting in the church steeple watching this repeated comedy of errors.
Nidan1 is also attacking my Soviet held village. He appears to scout his approaches better than Noba, as he is edge rushing over 2km away from my limited anti-tank defenses. I would argue gamey tactics, but my greatest joy is sitting on the hill watching him expend large numbers of shells on isolated infantry squads while the clock ticks down.
Boo Radley is attacking my Canadian held village. My poor Canadians, armed with Enfield rifles, PIATS and Vickers machine guns (I didn't realize that CM had a WWI module) are bravely holding off Panthers, Stugs, 75MM support half-tracks, heavy artillery and what appears to be an invisible tank. I would argue an unbalanced scenario, but my greatest joy is watching him sit outside of the village with his impenetrable Panthers for over half the game waiting for I don't know what...a platoon of Hitler Youth could have over run me.
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Hmmmm...back from Spring Break, back from the Beach which is South. What a lovely place now that LeBron has returned home...
What is that stench?!? It smells of antiseptic, Preparation H and back cream. Rune?!?! He really exists? Even 10 years ago, he was a whisper, a myth, a story told to young children at night to teach them to avoid the combination of candy and strange cars. {Shiver} I thought the name of the house Rune was related to a confused member who played card games at the mall on weekends.
More importantly....UPDATES!!
After another embarrassing defeat, Noba was rattled and chose to attack as Canadians...Canadians!! Everyone knows they are too nice to hurt anyone. We all know how this one will end...
Nidan is grinding forward against my staunch defenses. His gamey selection of a scenario where I defend against his armor with Soviet Breach squads does not deter me. Oh, and he is a map edge hugger as well! No problem, we all know how this will end....
Boo Radley coordinated with Nidan, it appears. My brave but under gunned Canucks are defending against what appears to be a German armored division. We are not worried, after all we are Canucks, and who can be mean to nice Canucks?!? So yes, we all know how this will end....
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Speaking of car accidents....
UPDATES!!
Nidan's Neo-Soviets failed to force the river defended by my plucky Ukrainians. The horizon was beautiful...pillars of smoke from burning Russian vehicles. He even brought an SUV to the fight. After this fight Russian SUV's have a poor safety rating. Now he has selected a marathon 150 minute scenario that will draw out his pain...
Noba has fallen back on his setup zone after losing almost all of his Cats. His troops huddle in the dark, hoping the bogeyman Retro-Soviets will just go away....
Boo Radley is a gamey bastiche. He hacked the game, giving his troops cloaks of invisibility. He will pay...oh yes, he will pay...
Speedbump
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HAVOC as they let slip the dogs of war all over yo' ass.
You do realize that your halftracks are open-topped and that it's quite easy for my guys to toss grenades into them, don't you? Well... I mean, you do now, of course.
Nothing but net!
Feel good about that while you can. Actually, the gunner was killed and his brother the driver went berserker on me. I clearly did not order a lone HT to drive 75 meters ahead of my troops, up to your line of foxholes and stop. Yep, you taught me a lesson....
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What the hell??!! What hole did all these miscreants crawl out of? Seems Boo hasn't yet figured out that most cesspools are below ground. So where else would we locate the bar?
Speaking of which, where is the friggin bartender? Sir Speedbump2, seems I am meant to take on that role as well, what will you have... to drink. Let's toast your impending victories in the firelight of your enemies burning armor.
sburke, always the gentleman. Recently, I made reference to a Six Points Resin, IIPA, as my most recent favorite. However, I recently had the pleasure to imbibe it's big brother, Hi Res. Labeled an IIIPA, this beer was as close to glory as one can come. Let the Aussie's drink from their oil cans, they will never know the sophistication that a true knight takes for granted...
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sburke, get back in the Pool. And remember, just under the ribs!!
Speedbump
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{Light enters the dim ale house front room as the strong hand pushes the heavy wood door open}
Speedbump: "I have been away from the Pool but a week, and look what happens....in one corner we have a senile oldster, singing off-key ditties to himself and talking about the 'good' old days. In another corner, we have a stringy, long haired Minnesotan mumbling bad poetry and playing with a broken Hasbro child's computer. Under a table, we have a marketing "genius", pulling his hair out, still trying to come up with the perfect tag-line to sell 'as seen on TV' products to consumers that have a higher than room temperature IQ. Behind the bar we have an Aussie, no English person, no git, trying to figure out how the beer tap works (hint: pull the handle). Another sad sack sits in the middle of the room expounding on all matters great and small (see post count), but to the best of anyone's knowledge doesn't actually interact (play) with anyone.
Sburke, please enter and let these ner-do-wells know that true gentlemen have arrived. Better yet, put a boot into them....right under the ribs works well, I have found..."
Updates:
Noba is currently being investigated by PETA for his cruelty to his Cats. Most lay broken and burning.
Nidan is scurrying around like a mouse with his last two Russian T-90's while my Ukranians hunt him like Tom with a baseball bat (or is that Jerry?)
Boo Radley's Brits sit in their foxholes and cry.... -
I notice the conspicuous absence of any update reflecting the spanking your tank heavy American force took from my hardy panzergrenadiers. Outnumbered three to one they prevented you from taking your objectives, while inflicting heavy casualties. A lesson you wont soon forget I'm sure.
Simply a recognition of arbitrary victory conditions. I controlled 80% of the map, the entire village, both bridges and had far more than 20 men left at the end. My Americans were having a barbecue and a keg in the town square.
I will apologize to the scenario designer for not controlling the small copse of trees in the far corner of the map which represents 60% of the victory points...and then beat him about the head and neck.
Nidan, revel in your "tactical victory" as the highlight of your gaming career. You know, deep in your heart, that you were bettered...
Speedbump
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Well done little one, you are indeed feeling the wrath of my Panthers to the point where your infantry lie in place whilst the tank shells kill them and bury them at the same time.
German efficiency at it's best.
Noba
Piffle. Three conscripts are well worth watching two Panthers pretending to be bonfires....
The Peng Challenge Thread: Some one get me a drink, and tell me what's going on, eh?
in Combat Mission Red Thunder
Posted
See....gamey...